Commuting: How far is too far?

[grniys]

DH and I are currently shopping for our first home. We live in San Diego just a few miles from where he works. I love the city. But while we can afford a place here, we can't afford our dream home here. So we've started looking at nearby towns. And then we expanded our search just a bit. Dh works with several guys who commute about 50 miles each way to work every day. It takes about an hour to get there in the mornings and 90+ minutes to get home every evening. Plus there's the cost of gas.

But the houses...oh the beautiful houses! We could easily, easily afford a dream home by moving an hour north of here.

So, I guess I'm just wondering everyone's opinions on longer commutes. Personally, I don't want to be that far from the city. I love being so close to downtown and all the attractions here. It makes life so rich and interesting. But I know it's more important to dh to have a wonderful, large house.

If we do move that far, we'll be getting a prius for him, to make the cost of gas a bit easier. If you do a long commute, do you regret it? Was it worth the financial perks?

Any other advice about it is appreciated!

[4evermom]

Personally, I wouldn't want a commute that took more than an hour. Even just being 10 miles away, dh's commute is 30 minutes. My commutes on public transportation always took about 45 minutes just to go 7 miles. I really liked it when dh was only 10 minutes away. That meant we could drive him to work and have the car. And he had time and energy to spend with ds after work. Its really a matter of personal preference.

[Amys1st]

We love visiting San Diego and we would love to live there but the cost of Real estate, it will just be a great place to visit!

I have noticed in SoCal, everyone has smaller homes or most because the weather allows for you to spend a great deal of time outdoors. Do you spend a lot of time outdoors or would you prefer to spend it inside? Does you DH realize that a bigger home would cost more because he would be away more to have it thus not really being able to appeciate it anyhow-make sense?

I know people IRL with longer commutes and its hard on the family, esp if there is an accident, bad weather or whtever to make the commute even longer.

If your life lends itself to being in a distance suburb, then yes go for it. But if all you're doing is to have a bigger house I would rethink that one esp since you enjoy the atmosphere of the city.

[HeatherAtHome]

Can he carpool with a coworker? That would help cut the cost of gas (and the purchase of a new vehicle!)

What about mentioning to him that sure, he'll have a big house, but with the extra hours from the commute he won't be spending very much time there?

Ok, I have to say it, this bothers me:

Personally, I don't want to be that far from the city. I love being so close to downtown and all the attractions here. It makes life so rich and interesting. But I know it's more important to dh to have a wonderful, large house.

1-Sounds like he wants a trophy house and 2-why are his wants more important than yours?

[newbymom05]

I wouldn't want to be more than 15 minutes away. DH is about a 10 minute drive away and by 5:30 I'm reaaaalllly glad he's on his way home (I'm a SAHM). Another thing to consider is what you'll do during the day. We're in the suburbs close to DH's work, but 20+ minutes away from every one of our playgroup friends. That's a mighty PIA for me. If we were to do it again, I'd take both into consideration--not just Dh's commute but what the kids and I do during the day. We bought our house pre-kids and that was something we didn't consider. Oh, and child-friendly neighborhoods/a neighborhood w/ similar-aged kids. That would be another big thing to consider, were we to move.

[Avani]

With San Diego you are easily looking at a more substantial commute because of the traffic situation. Rush hour can tack on an hour pretty easily and accidents happen often. Are you thinking of the Temecula area. They have amazing, huge homes but i often have gotten stuck on the freeway for hours. I would talk with my neighbors who did the daily commute and some were happy to have their home and some weren't because they ended up only seeing their families on the weekends and later at night.

[Smocked]

Dh commutes an hour to work and he carpools often. Any longer than that would be too much and the carpooling definitely sweetens the deal We chose to buy our house here because we could buy more house for our money and it's been worth it for us because we have our backyard and cozy neighborhood that we wouldn't be able to afford in the city he works in.

San Diego has a lot of traffic though compared to where we live now. I used to live there and remember sitting in traffic on the 8 every morning forever. A 50 mile straight shot is way different than 50 miles where you are sitting in traffic for 30 of them.

[Chloe'sMama]

I don't know how far is too far. My DH works about 20 miles from home and it takes 20 minutes no traffic, 45 minutes with traffic. We also live in SD, so the traffic is seriously a factor. I think we are at the end of our limit with travel time and most days DH goes in early to miss the traffic and can make it home in 20 minutes. Have you looked in neighboring cities.... La Mesa is so cute, Lemon Grove is nice. Those are both just 10-15 minutes from downtown and very affordable. You can get a much bigger house up north, but I wouldn't personally sacrifice an extra 1 hour per day that he gets with DD for a bigger house. That is just me.

[Chamomile Girl]

I did the 50 mile drive for a year (from San Francisco to Napa) and it was hell. Plus it ended up costing me $500 a month is gas and fares! As much as we loved living in SF we ended up moving to Napa within walking distance of my job, just to save my sanity.

[dsaucone]

No longer than 30 minutes for us. We've already decided. An hour commute adds another hour away from the family each day. I'd have to get up 1/2 earlier too. Yuck! One of the places were looking at has DH 30 minutes away and me 50 minutes. I'm thinking about a different job. (I want one anyways!)

[KatWrangler]

We use to live in Southern Cal (Orange County) so I know what you are talking about.

Question, can your husband work from home 1-2 days a week?

[alegna]

For us it had to do with what every day would look like. Do you plan for him to eat with the family at night? What time would dinner be? Would he have time to decompress when he walks in? Will he loose out on sleep with what time he would need to get up? Or would he need an earlier bedtime and lose out on time with you?

-Angela

[DanaDane]

It's not something I could do. It's very important to me to have a home/lifestyle that refelcts the way we want to live day in and day out--and that includes the shortest commute that we can afford without sacrificing too much of the amenities we enjoy and space we like. I have friends who commute that much (outer DC suburbs) and they barely get to enjoy their homes or have much of a life during the week beyond work and sleep (they also work long hours). And then their weekends are exhausting from having to squeeze in everything they don't have time for during the week.

[annethcz]

We chose to move further out for a nicer property, and we're mostly happy with the decision. But we're lucky that traffic doesn't really factor into DH's commute because he drives through the country to a suburb and doesn't hit much traffic.

I'd think hard about how much you're REALLY going to be spending on gas. Not only for your DH to commute, but for you to drive to meet friends/family, go shopping, go to museums and playgroups, etc. How much would it affect you if gas prices shot up again? What if gas is $4 or $5/gallon? Could you still afford your house? It is 35+ miles for DH to drive to work or for me to shop at larger stores. When we first moved here and my kids were still going to homeschool co-ops and other activites in the city, we were easily spending $500-600/month on gas. That's a LOT of money that could be better spent elsewhere, IMO.

[GuildJenn]

Random thoughts. We live in a not-horrifically-far suburb (still within public transit boundaries, but only just), where we have things we can walk to:

The 'drive until you can afford it' rule doesn't always take actual costs into account very well (and keep in mind that gas prices are probably going to keep going up).

It's not just gas and parking but maintenance and wear and tear. These are *depreciating* costs (a car loses value each year) where paying that much more in mortgage tends over time to appreciate (err, within the housing market which is not foolproof). (On the other hand if you lose your job, it is easier to lose a car than a house... but it's also easier to rent out a room if you're in the city.)

Even if he can carpool now, keep in mind that means that if the other person he's carpooling with loses his/her job or changes his/her routine, that might dry up. So you have to be able to swing the costs just in case.

Also these big beautiful homes bring their own costs - increased utility bills, maintenance, furniture, cleaning time, yardwork, and so on.

Quality of life is huge. Honestly we both WOH and I have a 45-min commute 4 days a week; my husband has a commute 1-2 days a week (one is 45 min & the other is an hr). Until you've done it /with kids/ you don't appreciate what a complication it is. When I didn't have kids, 45 min on public transit or even driving was just time to read, think, etc. Now it's a rushed feeling every day because being late means dinner is late and too close to bedtime, which means my son gets cranky and we have a battle, which means he stays up and is tired the next day... over a week that can mean he's behind on sleep by an hour or two!

If you're a SAHP, that means you will be covering the weekdays alone, effectively.

For me, the actual worst part of commuting is that it seems to suck the will to exercise out of me. My health is not quite the same as it would be otherwise.

Take a look at the neighbourhood - can you walk to stores, libraries, pools, and so on?

Also, remember that if he's carpooling he's on someone else's schedule and can't get home for an emergency at all; if he's driving his own vehicle he will still be 1+ hrs from where you and your kids are. This time goes for soccer games and other before & after school activities.

In case you haven't sorted out my bias yet, I wouldn't do it. I consider where my husband and I function - and we both work from home some days a week - is about at the limit we would choose. We are quite happy with our lakeside street but we do keep an eye for something affordable and closer to downtown.

[hillymum]

For about 6 months my dh drove for 2.5 hours each way. It almost killed him and our marriage. He was dreadfully tired and good for nothing once he got home. He spent most of the weekend trying to rest.
He has also had a commute of about an hour. He started out early morning and returned before rush hour traffic hit. His job was very flexible which helped a huge amount. He was also allowed to work from home one day a week. Would that be an option for your husband. My husband also used his driving time to relax as when he got home he would have 3 small boys and a tired stressed wife to face.
As long as you have taken into account finances, and you plan on living there for a number of years then I say go for it. Sometimes the hours lost in a commute are worth it to return home to a place you love and can truly relax in.

[sunflower.mama]

DH used to have an hour and a half drive each way to work. It wasn't easy. That was 3 hours he lost out being w/us. Personally, 45m to an hr isn't so bad, since that's what you'll spend on public transport generally. I love to zone out to a book on tape and relax. Could you rent for a year to make sure he can handle it?

[noobmom]

When I was single and straight out of college, I commuted 45 minutes each way to work on "good" days. If there was traffic or an accident it was significantly more. By the time I left that job, the commute was 1 hr+ and it was exhausting. I can't imagine commuting more than 45 minutes if I had a family at home waiting for me. Think of it this way...if you add a 1 hour commute (each way) to an 8 hour work day, you're essentially diluting your dollars/per hour by 20%. Not worth it to me. Now we have the luxury of living within walking distance of DH's work, but I know that's only because we live in a small town.

[HisBeautifulWife]

People do it all the time. DH commutes 35 miles each way which could be an hour or two per trip each day.

Do I wish we lived closer? - Yes

Am I willing to move to a neighborhood that's not as nice so we can live closer- no.

Is DH- no.

So though we wish he didn't travel so far, it's worth it for us. Though if you ask people around here if they would make that kind of trip most would say no as if it's impossible.

Everyone is different. And yes the cost of gas is annoying.

[mamatoakd]

We're friends with two families that moved up to Temecula several years ago and both families have moved back down to San Marcos. The commute takes a big toll on the person commuting and the family. We gave Temecula the briefest of considerations when we saw all those great new houses but knew right away that the commute would be killer. One accident on the 15 creates a disaster.

For us, we like being near the beach (20 minutes is far enough) and all the fun things that San Diego has to offer. Once you're up there, you're not really part of San Diego anymore. It's a nice area and plenty of people like it but, it's just not San Diego.

San Diego home prices still have a way to fall. You may not be able to afford much now, but it will get better. It may take a couple more years, but prices are still falling. North County Coastal (the nicer areas) are just starting to see things turn now. It's killing me too - I've been waiting for over four years now! Do you ever read the San Diego real estate blogs?