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I'm so selfish

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
Made an appointment for therapy..I don't know how I missed that this is probably PPD...I guess cause it's different than the typical depression sypmtoms I know about. Had a talk with Dh about it last night, unfortunatly he's feeling quite crummy to, mostly work and our lack of connection. I kinda felt bummed, like I had expected him to care for me instead of me feeling guilty about his feelings. Anyone else had this? I hate how selfish I sound lately. I hope we can get this figured out soon. I'm tired of living in my head.
or tryiin to live in the cyber world that doesn't really exist.
post #2 of 34
Yep. Dh and I were both depressed at the same time (we've also been hypomanic at the same time...yay)

But try not to feel too guilty, it's OK to get yourself help it is NOT being selfish!!! Encourage him to get help, go together to therapy!
post #3 of 34
Thread Starter 
He's not depressed enough to need therapy right now, it's more situational for him, just a few down days and then he bounces back. It's more that it's my lack of interest in physical touch in any form right now that makes him feel depressed and therefor makes me feel guilty and even more emotinoal because I cause his depressive moments...a visicious cycle. And I'm selfish because I keep wanting to do MY thing, for him to worry about ME, for my 4 year old to just go play so I can keep chatting on the computer...I feel like I'm being wanted by everyone...DH wants more physical attention and for me not to be online when he's home and P wants me to play and go places and read and hold her and all the other things little 4 year old girls want to do with their moms and should get from their moms...right now the baby is the only one who really gets my attetion.

P stayed at grandma's last night and I woke at 3am missing her and in a panick that grandma may have left the windows open in her ground floor apartment and someone may have hurt or taken P. I texted and called her at 3am till she called me back and said all windows are shut and P is sleeping soundly. I want her to be gone but I miss her and worry when she's not here...

So since P was gone, DH assumed it was okay for DTD...I gave in and he's happy as a clam..but I guess it wasnt as bad for me once we started either.
post #4 of 34
Thread Starter 
Noone cares anyway...64 views and one response, typical of my life LATELY when it comes to relationships... I'M SO LONELY AND FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE even my cyber world is ignoring me and I really have no reason to feel this crummy, my baby is here, we are all healthy, i get to stay home with them, my DH is great, I do have some friends....WHY, WHY CAN'T I GET A GRIP?????
post #5 of 34
can't say much as i'm typing one hand, distracted by constant 3.5yr old chatter, holding baby and ppd myself. hugs - you are not alone. making a therapy appt is a great step .
post #6 of 34
You definitely aren't alone. I don't know if I actually have ppd or not, but I'm definitely feeling sad and lonely. And like you my dh has his own issues going on, so not much support there. He suggested to me that I go visit my mom so we can have some time apart. So I'm going to do that. It sucks because I want to vent to him and have him take care of me, but I can't, because I know he's not in a position to help me right now
post #7 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShineliketheSon View Post
Noone cares anyway...64 views and one response,
Honey, just because people look and don't respond doesn't mean they don't care. I know I for one started reading the post before this and then I had to leave before I could finish reading it and respond.

Quote:
WHY, WHY CAN'T I GET A GRIP?????
Because you need help. You need to make an appointment with at the very least a therapist, someone you can talk to, who will listen. It's this persons job to listen and analyze what you're saying so they can figure out how to help you get better.

Call the insurance company or your general practice doc and get a referral to a psychiatrist and have an evaluation done for PPD, and if you decide medication is the route you need to go on, do it. I'm thankful that I got medication when I needed it, it made a big difference. But it didn't heal me.

Quote:
He's not depressed enough to need therapy right now, it's more situational for him, just a few down days and then he bounces back. It's more that it's my lack of interest in physical touch in any form right now that makes him feel depressed and therefor makes me feel guilty and even more emotinoal because I cause his depressive moments...a vicious cycle.
And this is such a difficult cycle to be in! Like you said vicious. Talk to him and tell him why you may not be interested in sex right now, but you two can sit together and watch a movie, hold hands, lean into him and have his arm around you. It doesn't replace an physically intimate relationship, but it helps keep the contact going. Cuddling sometimes just makes the movie that much better, and then you go to sleep. Try to hold hands when ever you can, in the car, walking in the store etc

Quote:
And I'm selfish because I keep wanting to do MY thing, for him to worry about ME, for my 4 year old to just go play so I can keep chatting on the computer...I feel like I'm being wanted by everyone...DH wants more physical attention and for me not to be online when he's home and P wants me to play and go places and read and hold her and all the other things little 4 year old girls want to do with their moms and should get from their moms...right now the baby is the only one who really gets my attetion.
When you're depressed it's hard to get excited about doing ANYTHING. Much less playing with your 4 yr old. I promise I've been there! Think of something that YOU want to and then invite her to play. I personally prefer watching my children play and enjoy themselves. Beyond that we read together, play board games, card games, puzzles, building blocks. I'm just really not that great at imaginative play. I try to follow my kids lead, but they usally tell me I'm not doing it right and we move on.

I can see where your dh is coming from, I know I don't like to stay here behind the laptop after the kids go to bed. Even if we're just watching tv, I'd rather be able to give him my attention on commercials. We can talk and ignore the tv, but it's hard to talk to someone, and feel like their listening when they're looking at the computer.

And the baby is, well a baby! They're GREAT attentions suckers! (I can't think of a better way to put this. I don't mean it in a negative fashion). They can't get by with out your attention. Your four year old can ask daddy for a drink of water or a snack or attention. Your infant can not, and often it's mom that learns the baby's language first. So it's ok that the baby gets the majority of your attention, thta's how it should be right now. And I feel for a lot mothers of more than 1 child, it's learning how to divide your attention among the other family members after a baby is born that is the hardest.

Quote:
P stayed at grandma's last night and I woke at 3am missing her and in a panick that grandma may have left the windows open in her ground floor apartment and someone may have hurt or taken P. I texted and called her at 3am till she called me back and said all windows are shut and P is sleeping soundly. I want her to be gone but I miss her and worry when she's not here...

So since P was gone, DH assumed it was okay for DTD...I gave in and he's happy as a clam..but I guess it wasnt as bad for me once we started either.
I haven't spent the night away from my kids. My husband and son went out for a weekend once, but I was healthy at the time, so I didn't worry. It's natural to worry about your kids and want to make sure they're ok, and it's hard to learn that if they're with someone you trust they're going to stay safe. No one can do as good of a job as you do and that's that. But it's good that you got that break, and got some 'alone' time with dh. Sometimes giving in helps 'break the ice' and get communication or at least some hand holding rolling.
post #8 of 34
Thread Starter 
thsnk you all..baby's callin but wanted to acknowlede the posts...therapy is thur and AF started today, probablt part of my mood...
post #9 of 34
You don't sound selfish! Also, from my outside perspective, it sounds like you are coping reasonably well. One of the things my therapist told me really helped: do things that will make you feel better whether you feel like it or not. It may take a while, but it is one step to improve your mood. Give yourself the assignment of playing with your daughter for 30 minutes a day. Be intimate with your husband as often as you are able, etc. Emotions often follow actions, not the other way around. I needed lots of therapy and medication in the beginning to put these things into practice. Now that I am off meds and go to less therapy I get a huge mood lift from following the principal that emotions/moods are a result of thoughts and actions. But seriously, you don't sound too selfish. You need to take care of yourself! Keep us posted, please!
post #10 of 34
post #11 of 34
I could have written your second post - just take out the 4yo (I only have a 6mo). My BF complains about me being on the computer, but we don't talk if I'm not on the comp yk? It's awful - he'll tell me about all the monotonous parts of his work, or basketball neither of which are interesting to me (it can be, but I just hate it when he gets into all the little teensy details that are just tedious - the other stuff I can handle)

We have started couples counseling, we had our first session yesterday, so hopefully it will help once we've been going for a bit. Maybe thats something you and your hubby can look into? Even if he doesn't need therapy for himself, it could be beneficial to your relationship if you go together?
post #12 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Autumn Breeze View Post
Honey, just because people look and don't respond doesn't mean they don't care. I know I for one started reading the post before this and then I had to leave before I could finish reading it and respond.
I know this, I just want to belong somewhere, I miss feeling connected to a group of women...my DDC is about to end and its changing anyway...they were my lifeline while preggo since mty local connections fell apart. Just when I have something good goin things change and I have a hard time dealing with that.

When you're depressed it's hard to get excited about doing ANYTHING. Much less playing with your 4 yr old. I promise I've been there! Think of something that YOU want to and then invite her to play. I personally prefer watching my children play and enjoy themselves. Beyond that we read together, play board games, card games, puzzles, building blocks. I'm just really not that great at imaginative play. I try to follow my kids lead, but they usally tell me I'm not doing it right and we move on.
read to her today, met some friends at the park, didn't want to go but went for her sake.

I can see where your dh is coming from, I know I don't like to stay here behind the laptop after the kids go to bed. Even if we're just watching tv, I'd rather be able to give him my attention on commercials. We can talk and ignore the tv, but it's hard to talk to someone, and feel like their listening when they're looking at the computer.
I guess the cyber world is my escape...

And the baby is, well a baby! They're GREAT attentions suckers! So it's ok that the baby gets the majority of your attention, thta's how it should be right now. Thank you, I tought that was the one thing I really shouldn't feel guilty about.

It's natural to worry about your kids and want to make sure they're ok, and it's hard to learn that if they're with someone you trust they're going to stay safe.
She's stayed with grandma lots since age 3...so I know it was an anxiety thing I usually am fine.
thanks so much for puting alot of time into your response, I get into that poor me stuff way to deep somedays.

Quote:
Originally Posted by azgirl View Post
You don't sound selfish! Also, from my outside perspective, it sounds like you are coping reasonably well. One of the things my therapist told me really helped: do things that will make you feel better whether you feel like it or not. It may take a while, but it is one step to improve your mood. Give yourself the assignment of playing with your daughter for 30 minutes a day. Be intimate with your husband as often as you are able, etc. Emotions often follow actions, not the other way around. I needed lots of therapy and medication in the beginning to put these things into practice. Now that I am off meds and go to less therapy I get a huge mood lift from following the principal that emotions/moods are a result of thoughts and actions. But seriously, you don't sound too selfish. You need to take care of yourself! Keep us posted, please!
thank you!, I forced myself to go to playdate at the park for P sake. she had fun. I didn't feel connected but it was nice to get out. I don't think I need meds at this time, I just really need to talk things through. we'll see what the therapist says. I hope I can find a sitter for P!

Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
We have started couples counseling, we had our first session yesterday, so hopefully it will help once we've been going for a bit. Maybe thats something you and your hubby can look into? Even if he doesn't need therapy for himself, it could be beneficial to your relationship if you go together?
It really is me...he bounced back after I showed some affection ( mainly non sexual) this weekend, gave him some attention by not using computer much, and just getting out and doing stuff as a family. I'm the one with the issues in my head...I really think therapy will help me. Thanks for responding, I''m so glad you are seeking help for you both! I think thats really hard for alot of men to agree to do!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gillian28 View Post
You definitely aren't alone. I don't know if I actually have ppd or not, but I'm definitely feeling sad and lonely. And like you my dh has his own issues going on, so not much support there. He suggested to me that I go visit my mom so we can have some time apart. So I'm going to do that. It sucks because I want to vent to him and have him take care of me, but I can't, because I know he's not in a position to help me right now
I saw your post,I'm so sorry you have to be apart Mine was DH wanted more closeness from me...hard to do when your being touched all day by a 4yo and baby...but I forced it some this weekend, and wouldn't you know DH bounced back. I actuallly had a good weekend too, it'a the weekdays I have a hard time with, when there is not another adult to talk to I escape into my cyber world or my head. DH cares, but takes it so personal when Im not doing well emotionally, if he can't fix it, he gets depressed or thinks he causes my emotions, so therapy for me will be good for both of us to talk to someone who can help me and doesn't take mt stuff to heart kwim?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limabean1975 View Post
can't say much as i'm typing one hand, distracted by constant 3.5yr old chatter, holding baby and ppd myself. hugs - you are not alone. making a therapy appt is a great step .

thanks, makes sense other PPD mamas may not feel like responding and those with new LO especially with a chatterbox too(mines 4), don't have time...I hear ya, thanks for the hugs!
post #13 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nummies View Post
thank you!
post #14 of 34
Shine. I hope that things go well for you on Thursday.

It may seem strange to say, but I feel like I know you online and am really glad that you're getting some help. I really hope that you can find the support that you need. I'm so glad that you are taking the steps that you are to look after yourself and your family. You're a strong, strong mama, even when you're not feeling that way!
post #15 of 34
Selfish isn't it at all...you have a medical condition that needs treatment. I felt the same way when I was in the throes of PPD.

You will get through it tho - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad that you are going Thurs and yep, AF can wreak havoc on your emotions. Are you taking any supplements? I found that B-12 was vitally important, and once I started drinking/eating a lot of dark, leafy greens, I felt a lot better too.

I also wanted to say that there were times I had to force myself to DTD and if I could go into it with an open mind and even fake it till I made it, I usually had a pretty good time and felt better for awhile. It went against everything in me, to do it when I didn't want to, but once things got rolling, they generally were just fine. I'm not saying anyone should force you or you should have to force yourself, but I found that if it wasn't absolutely repulsive to me, I could smile through the beginning and then find some kind of relief and CONNECTION to someone I felt nothing for or towards most of the time.

s. I hope your appt goes well.
post #16 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MelW View Post
Shine. I hope that things go well for you on Thursday.

It may seem strange to say, but I feel like I know you online and am really glad that you're getting some help. I really hope that you can find the support that you need. I'm so glad that you are taking the steps that you are to look after yourself and your family. You're a strong, strong mama, even when you're not feeling that way!
me too, I feel so conected to our DDC, I'm having trouble with it endin. Also workin through the losses on our DDC...wish somedays I wasn't such an emotional person. Are you on the FB group? thanks for the kind words, that last line is somethin I needed to hear! Since your here, how are you doing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kalisis View Post

I also wanted to say that there were times I had to force myself to DTD and if I could go into it with an open mind and even fake it till I made it, I usually had a pretty good time and felt better for awhile. It went against everything in me, to do it when I didn't want to, but once things got rolling, they generally were just fine. I'm not saying anyone should force you or you should have to force yourself, but I found that if it wasn't absolutely repulsive to me, I could smile through the beginning and then find some kind of relief and CONNECTION to someone I felt nothing for or towards most of the time.

s. I hope your appt goes well.
This is exactly how it is...I guess I'll just have to force myself at least a few times a month...glad to know i'm not the only one!
post #17 of 34
Quote:
Selfish isn't it at all...you have a medical condition that needs treatment. I felt the same way when I was in the throes of PPD.


ITA! It does get better....even though it might not feel like it right now. I hope everything goes well at your appt. and you feel a little better just having gone. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending lots of love your way
post #18 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgia View Post


ITA! It does get better....even though it might not feel like it right now. I hope everything goes well at your appt. and you feel a little better just having gone. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending lots of love your way
Thank you!

I had my first therapy appt this morning, I really like her! She has a 5 yo and 4mo so knows exactly where I am. she said it was good I came in and gave me a few things to think about and discuss next week. I cried quite a bit but was so glad I printed my blog posts for her so when I couldn't talk through the tears I could show her, she kept them to read. Will be easier to discuss once she knows my background. She also validated my computer use. She said it sounded like good therapy to get stuff out and connect with other moms, though I do need to find a good local group as well. And as long as the computer use isn't consuming my entire day where I neglect family time or household issues (sometimes I do but not all the time) then it's fine. DH needs to hear this one!

ETA joined a local PPD meetup group...though first in person meeting isn't till end of aug
post #19 of 34
yay! So glad to hear that it went well.
post #20 of 34
Shine, I have been suffering right along with you. I have trouble with changes too, and am also sad about the DDC ending. I am glad there is a FB group to still connect through.

I know you recently lost your playgroup. Have you tried www.meetup.com ? That was how I found my playgroup, although they eventually moved to www.raisingthem.com so you might want to look there too. Have you tried a LLL meeting?

My DH is military and we move all the time, plus my military friends move alot so I find myself needing to make friends almost constantly. I am shy so it is hard. I do rely on the internet to filll the gap or get me through days I cannot get house of the house (almost everyday anymore).

Even though, I don't always post know that I am reading your journey, and feeling for you.
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