I am starting to dislike my 14 month old HELP! Any insight would be great

[taraknyc]

I am having such a difficult time with my 14 month old daughter. Where to start? If she doesn't like something she has a fit, if I take her off a tricycle she is riding that is not hers she has a fit, if someone wants to share some of her food she won't let them, when she gets frustrated she throws things, if someone isn't listening/paying attention to her she bites, if I don't do what she wants immediately she screams at me and hits me, she is constantly hitting me, should I go on? She won't let me put her in clothes right now. She won't let me put a diaper on her, yet she isn't completely reliable without one. She wouldn't let me put her diaper back on her in the middle of the night last night and she had a major fit. She didn't want to come home from the park today and she started to have a fit- this went on for longer than a half an hour after we got home. She throws herself around, arches her back, pulls out her hair, bangs her head. I just have to sit quietly with her on our bed until she calms down. Usually, what I have been doing with her is just redirecting, saying gentle hands, we don't bite, asking her to talk in a quiet voice and sitting with her when she is having a fit. She also wants to be carried around all the time and when I put her down she has a fit. I'm exhausted.

She is extremely physical and very coordinated- she behaves more like a two year old in those respects. She doesn't speak yet, though and I think this is frustrating her. I am going to try signing.

I also have a four year old son and he is very patient with her, but she bites and hits him. I never went through any of this with him, and I am at my wits end.

Please, someone help me out. I am really not enjoying her as much as I wish I could.

Thanks,
Tara

[amber913]

Big hugs to you, first off.

Have you mentioned anything to a doctor? I'd want to rule everything out--ex. sensitivity issues.

It sounds as though you're handling things well--sounds like you're remaining calm and trying to help her through her frustrations. I think you hit the nail on the head: it seems as though she's frustrated over her lack of language skills. So go ahead with those signs. She sounds like a bright little girl, so she'll pick up the signs in no time at all.

Sometimes, also, what appears to be a child's personality may just be a phase, and it may help you to look at it this way. She didn't turn into a monster, she's just testing her boundaries, she's stressed over her inablitity to communicate, she's asserting her independence.

If she is testing her boundaries, gaining independence, i think it's important to decide where you stand and enforce the rules. There are a lot of things you can let go, but there are some things she just simply must do (wear a diaper, perhaps, and not bite). This looks like a key time in her development to establish your role as a parent.

Don't know if any of that helped you, but i wish you luck and success at whatever you try.

[AutumnAir]

Mama. It sounds like you're having a hard time right now.

Has she always been like this, or is this a recent development?

Could she be a 'spirited child'? I know my DD is, and she sounds very like yours. They are just so much "more' than other kids - more sensitive, more easily upset, more energetic...

Might there be a physical cause? Like allergies or intolerances? Does she have food issues, GERD, eczema?

Can you see a pattern to her outbursts? Do they happen at similar times of the day? Could they be linked to her being tired, or hungry? At times of transition?

Do you think offering her more control over her environment would help? I've found that offering my DD choices wherever possible help her to feel that she's in charge - e.g. do you want to wear jeans or a dress today? blue cup or green? Also trying to pick my battles and not say no to her all the time (which is kind of difficult as we're living in rented accommodation so I need to look after stuff more than if it were our own)

I hope that's been of some help. I'm sure some more experienced mamas will be along with more suggestions soon.

[Aliyahsmommy]

From your post she sounds exactly like my daughter who has been going in and out of these "phases" since she was 9 months old. I do believe she is just a spirited child. She expresses her feelings of dislike or even happiness in stronger ways than other children. My daughter is now almost 2 and she throws things when she is mad, she will hit me or her father, she will yell at us etc. She definetely makes her wants known.
I have found that giving her two choices really really helps, but more than that and she gets overwhelmed. She likes to feel like she has some control. If I give her one choice she will not want it, but when given two choices including the choice I had already offered her she will generally choose the first choice. The thing is she wanted to be able to feel like it truly was her choice.
I can say it has gotten much easier most days now that she can speak. Also now that I have really learned her personality and what works with her. Really listening to her and trying to accommodate her needs is very helpful when it comes to her behavior. And sometimes I just have to let certain things go and choose my battles. For example I hate when she runs around outside without shoes and gets her socks black, but ultimately that is not as bad as fighting with her to keep her shoes on.
She also is very independent and really wants to be given the chance to do things by herself and she gets very frustrated if I try and take over and do not give her that chance.
I would definetely recommend the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I am currently reading it and it gives you a different perspective.
With a spirited child you really have to learn what sets them off and think of creative ways to avoid that. Let her make the decision to get off the bike after explaining it belongs to someone else instead of just pulling her off. Offer her another bike to replace the one that belongs to someone else. Let her help you put on the diaper or clothes or tell her she can throw away the dirty one/put in hamper. Or just get it done very quickly and move on. I usually find that when my daughter throws a tantrum the more I feed into it the worse it gets and same goes for if I walk away. I really just need to sit quietly next to her , acknowledge her feelings, and eventually when I sense she is ready I move in with a distraction. As for leaving the park or somewhere fun my daughter needs a lot of notice. I spend the last ten minutes reminding her it will soon be time to leave and then when it is time to leave I let her go down the slide one more time. I then let her hold my keys or play with my phone on the way to the car as a distraction to the fact that we are leaving.
When my daughter is tired or hungry none of these things work, she is completely at a place where she is out of control of her behavior so it is very important for me to make sure she gets enough sleep etc. or else we will both be miserable. On those days I just try and keep my patience and breathe very deeply lol.

[honey-lilac]

You mean all 14 month olds aren't like that?

I'm not being snarky, just surprised at the replies. Not in a bad way, just a... surprised way! My first was definitely high needs. My second I consider super mellow in comparison but she sounds identical if not harder than your DD. I figured this was completely normal for the age.

Am I wrong?

[Devaya]

I agree with Kaleanani to some extent, although I only have one child. I've read that the period around just after a year can be particularly difficult. I found that my now 21 month old was having a lot more tantrums at around that age, and I found it very challenging. He still tends to struggle with transitions from one thing to another, and never wants to leave something he's enjoying, and throwing objects and hitting (usually me, at least not other people I suppose!) can occur when he's frustrated. I think he IS quite 'spirited' (and certainly high needs, judging by his personality since a baby) but I also think children of this age struggle with making their wants known and accepting, it's just that some are more determined than others, or less easily distractable.

I found that as my son's language skills improved, and hence our communication, it has improved things so much, so that even though there are still tantrums at this point, often I can 'talk him down' out of one as it is brewing and before he gets to the unreachable point. Was your elder child verbal at an earlier stage? Perhaps that helped? Is your daughter the kind of child who needs to get a lot of energy out physically, and run around a lot? I also agree that giving choices between two things is helpful.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in sitting with your daughter through these emotions. It must be very draining. I wish I had some more helpful, concrete suggestions but am still learning my way through all of this myself. Good luck with the signing, and hope you get some more helpful suggestions.

[taraknyc]

Thank you all for your insightful replies.

I have not brought her to the doctor- I really am hoping beyond hope that this is a stage that she will outgrow... We have dairy issues in our family and I have been a little lax in my abstaining from hidden dairy as of late (I am still nursing), so I'm wondering if that is maybe affecting her. I will definitely cut it all out NOW!

Amber- what kind of sensitivity issues? This is interesting to me.

I am going to check out Raising Your Spirited Child. Sounds like it will be helpful.

Kaleanani- No, all 14 month olds are not like this. I'm not sure how many you have been around, but this is not typical. I have been around a lot and she is a little extreme. My son was nothing like this and he too was 14 months old once. He was talking in full sentences by 2 years, so we really didn't have too many communication issues.

Something else I am looking at is sleep issues. She doesn't nap well- especially when my son is around, and I think she may be a little sleep deprived. Could that be causing this behavior?

Thank you again for all your help,

Tara

[amber913]

Originally Posted by taraknyc

Amber- what kind of sensitivity issues? This is interesting to me.

Tara

I meant that she may be overly-sensitive to certain things. I'm not an expert by any means, but when my dd was eligible for speech therapy, i added occupational therapy to help her catch up physically, and the therapist handed her a koosh ball and had her play in rice, thinking--mistakenly--that she was sensitive to textures. Kids can be overly-sensitive to all sorts of things. But i have no idea if that applies--just thought perhaps it could be formally ruled out. I think AutumnAir had better ideas in regards to seeing a doctor--allergies, etc. Just to rule that stuff out.

Oh, and you may be on to something: sleep deprivation turns my sweet little things into MONSTERS!!!

I wouldn't worry; i'd just start doing things differently than how you did them with your son (read the book!). I think these behaviors are common, as someone had mentioned, but not universal. It seems that she just needs things done a little differently, parenting-wise, and it also seems like you're using your motherly instincts--keep doing that!

[EzzysMom]

My DD is the same age and yes she gets MUCH worse when she's sleep deprived. I also try to offer a lot of choices and have her 'help' me in any way possible. I also try to get her outside and running as often as possible to burn off some of the physical energy.

My DD is also experimenting with biting, so I say 'no biting, biting hurts' but then go and find something that she can bite on (teething toy). She's definitely teething now!

I also give lots of warnings, i.e. we're going to leave the park in 5 minutes, we're going to leave the park in 2 minutes. I know some would say she doesn't understand this idea, but it really seems to help. For instance the other day she was having a ball climbing up and down on a folding chair, but we wanted to leave the pool. We took the chair away and she threw a fit. (insert lecture from mother about how she is trying to 'control me' here.) So I gave her the chair back and let her do it again, and then told her she could do it two more times and then we're saying 'bye bye' to the chair. Then I counted down the climbs. The second time I took it away, she was upset for about 5 seconds and then she moved on happilly.

[nina_yyc]

The transition from baby to toddler was tough for my DD too.

[Kagrish]

Is this just normal behavior? It sounds like it. I only have a 10 month old so I can't say for sure, but he is starting to get like that.

[sunshadow]

My daughter is another spirited child. She goes through really hard periods like you describe on and off. There is almost nothing to do other than ride them out. My daughter seems more like this when she is tired regardless and I wonder when she is going through something developmental if she is just tired more often and can not deal with anything. I am afraid to take her anywhere when she is the slightest bit tired because there is no way we are getting back into the car/stroller or even walking home. She just freaks out.

Since you mentioned she isn't talking yet, have you tried sign language? At 14 months my daughter was picking up sign quickly and I think it did help.

Hang in there!

[betsyj]

My 14 mo old fights the diaper, fights getting dressed/undressed, bites when frustrated, freaks out when we do any kind of transition. Many of the kids at daycare are the exact same way. It seems to be pretty typical of little ones who are pre-verbal and don't have a lot of control over their environment.

[starlightsound]

My 13 month old is going through the exact same things!!! The biting has gotten a bit better (we say No Bite! or: No Bite Mama/Papa/Cat/Dog/Friend! and then offer some biting alternative, from a pillow, celery stalk or other handy item. It's the fits of the "screamies" as I've been calling them that is driving DH and me to the edge. Today in a fit of the screamies he threw himself down so hard that he bumped his head, then began crying in ernest.

Sigh. I keep trying to put it into perspective, but DH is having a hard time with this. Tonight he suggested ignoring him, not picking him up or giving him attention every time he starts to have a tantrum. In my mind there's a reason for DS's reaction and ignoring him is just going to make it worse. In my opinion if I respond to DS he will see that his needs and frustrations are being consistently met (even if I have no idea why he's unhappy/frustrated/grumpy) and taken seriously and will get through it quicker.

Sigh... now I'm nervous about leaving DH in charge of DS while I'm a work.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by betsyj

My 14 mo old fights the diaper, fights getting dressed/undressed, bites when frustrated, freaks out when we do any kind of transition. Many of the kids at daycare are the exact same way. It seems to be pretty typical of little ones who are pre-verbal and don't have a lot of control over their environment.

Thanks for posting this. DD is 14 months and fights changing and being dressed. She is also all of a sudden very difficult at meal times. For changing I make sure she has a toy she likes to play with. Sometimes that doesn't help but I just change her anyway. She also hits my face when she's upset about something. I take her hand, hold it against my body and tell her we don't hit. I won't hit her in her face so don't hit mommy in her face. This seems to be working for us.

At mealtime she will only eat if she can pick up the food herself so I only feed her food she can pick up. Sometimes that's a problem. She'll throw it on the floor. I asked the doctor about it. I wondered if DD had some issue that needed to be investigated now. The doc says all kids this age are like this. They are fighting for their autonomy and some act out more so than the others. Good luck to the original poster. I have definitely had some days with DD where I've said to myself, "where is that delightful child people see at the drugstore?"

[Pirate Nicole]

Egads, this sounds more common than I thought! LOL! I am thankfull that only one out of my three was/is like this. I think you're on the right track. Just stay as calm and consistent as possible. The consistancy is really key though with them testing their limits. If they get the same answer/reaction/etc each and every time they are likely to stop pushing that particular thing, hopefully anyway!