Sister's almost 2 yr old is driving her crazy

[mormontreehugger]

She has taken to using a spray bottle with water to mist him in the face to stop him from doing stuff he's not supposed to. She said she tried spanking (blech) but that he doesn't care. Probably because she wouldn't spank to cause actual physical pain. She said she's done lots of research on how to do things when he's older and can understand what she says but that right now she's at a loss to get him to behave. I'm hearing a little bit of unrealistic age expectations from her, but to be fair she's really stressed out right now because her husband is in the hospital with a bad case of pneumonia and she's also sick trying to keep up with a really energetic kid right now.

Anyway, I told her I'd ask around for book recommendations for that age group and see if I could find anything for her. I can't really help because I'm still cooking baby #1 so I really don't have the experience to suggest anything in particular. She's kind of open to my weird hippie ways, but probably has never heard of gentle discipline before. I'm trying to slowly ease her into some of the stuff I've learned as she does have a streak of stubbornness in her. Her mindset on discipline is pretty mainstream--kids have to behave, her toddler is turning into a spoiled brat, etc etc etc. Any good books out there that would speak to her?
TIA!

ETA: posting in toddlers forum as well

[Mylie]

You know it is funny that you mention the spray bottle method...

A cousin is a foster parent who got the idea out of a parenting magazine her agency sends her to give tips to handle the children..But she didn't ever spray in the face..Some kids thought it was a hoot!!! But it did work with a few that didn't ...

I have tried it a few times with L...It works for her..I always get her on her lower leg..And I was surprised it did work because she loves the water...But I was also frustrated with L...doing things like constantly pounding on my computer keyboard...Playing with tv buttons..And it isn't always easy to put up/put away out of reach..So I tried it with L with these two ongoing problems...I only had to do it twice each and now that I think about it,it has been a good 3 weeks since she has tried to bang on the keyboard or tv.

To me this was a gentle approach to helping L with a boundry..I was frustrated to point where I was going to swat her behind and I didn't want to do that..And redirection was not working..Guess I might get a few flames directed my way but we all have our own opinions when it comes to gentle disicipline...

I would encourage her not to squirt him in the face though as it might make him choke and be afraid of water....Not to mention that it just isn't very nice/or gentle in my opinion to get a face full of water.

Hope she is able to work it out and not be so stressed...That is never good for mom or child...

[kiwiva]

"Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp may help her have a clue about what is going on in the little toddler brain.

I think understanding what is reasonable behavior expectation goes a long way to helping us react reasonably to our kid's actions. If we know what they are doing is to be expected it can help us not to take it personally and get as angry.

Wow, it would never in a million years occur to me to squirt my kid with water. I've used that with my cats when they were young (and NOT in their faces!), but a human, no. I get that she is stressed bc DH is ill. DS is probably quite stressed as well, thus increasing bad behaviors. I don't think spanking, yelling or "misting" will be helpful in curbing the bad behaviors in any meaningful way. At best, they would stop a behavior right now. But so not worth it. (I don't use punishment, btw. DD is 2.5 so I totally get how frustrating some of these things can be).

Right now I am reading "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber. It is a quick and easy read with cartoons and stories to illustrate the points and much of it is geared towards how to communicate with older kids, but the ideas apply and there is a good discussion on punishment and why it can be not so useful. There are examples about 2 yo behaviors too.

I try to treat my DD as I would like to be treated. I cannot imagine how it would make me feel if someone I loved squirted me in the face with water. Yes it would probably make me stop what I was doing at that moment, but the lesson I would learn would not be that I shouldn't do whatever. I'd most likely be very confused about why my mother would do such a thing and not be feeling very positively about her at all.

Perhaps this article would be helpful, it's "Surviving the Toddler Years" http://www.naomialdort.com/articles8.html

[phathui5]

With twos, redirection is really where it's at. You have to be constantly supervising them and engaging them in things that they CAN do, so they don't come up with fun things they CAN'T do (like hitting the cat or eating dish soap).

When my almost two year old is making me batty, it's usually because I need to occupy him. I'll put him on the back porch with a bucket of water and a bunch of cups to pour it with. He has fun and I get a minute to do other things without chasing him around.

It would help if you could give more specific examples of behavior that she needs help addressing.

[mormontreehugger]

Thanks for all the replies! Haven't been on in a few days. I will look up the books recommended and send one to my sister. Seems like things are getting better for her now that her DH is on the mend, but I know she'd appreciate some more insight into how DS's mind is working right now.
So thanks again!

[mom2grrls]

Louise Bates Ames has a series of books on each year explaining what kind of behavior is normal for that year. it helps to see what's appropriate for a 2 y/o to start with. A book I like for the younger ones is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey or Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso.