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Help Please

post #1 of 97
Thread Starter 
*cant post in Parents as Partners yet*

I don't want to get into details on why, but what do you do when you have three kids, no money, no job, and no where to go, and you want to get away from your husband. It is not an emergency situation, so going to a shelter would do more harm then good, but my husband isn't going to let us stay here if he knows I want to leave, and so getting a job to keep the money or trying to get set up somewhere else isn't going to work. I just need to go straight from here to somewhere else, but obviously you can't do that without money.

Maybe there is no solution for a problem like this, but if you've been in these shoes please let me know, even if you rather do it by PM.
post #2 of 97
could you go to a family member's or friend's house?
post #3 of 97
Thread Starter 
no family, and honestly my family is worse thn my husband. and only 1 friend who I don't know if I could go there or not, but I guess I could ask,
post #4 of 97
Could you get a job and tell your husband a different reason why you want a job? Even if you won't save as much money, when you're ready to leave you'll have a job history to show potential landlords, and maybe a kindhearted one will waive the security deposit.

How old are your kids? Depending on how old they are and how much training/skill/job experience you had pre-kids, it might take a while of working to get to the point where you're making more than your childcare costs. If you start now, you have a better chance of being at the point before you're ready to leave.

If your kids are very young and you have very little job experience or training, maybe you could take care of other people's kids in your home. It won't give you a leg-up on a rental application, but you'll be able to save more money and maybe use the experience to get a job at a preschool or daycare when you're ready to leave.
post #5 of 97
For a period of time I had debated leaving dh (we worked on things though, so right now it's ok) and I had two young ones and no money and nowhere to go. Since he wasn't abusive etc. I had time to make a plan.

I looked into temping. Temp to hire is an easy way to find a permanent job and you can build up your skills. You can just say that you miss being able to work and really would like a job. It may raise red flags to your dh but just keep on the path that you need.

Save every.single.dime from your job. Save some money on groceries and pocket a stash. Open up your own checking account (he will never know you did that until the divorce). Find a cheap one bedroom apartment once you have a month of savings in place.

When you do divorce there will be some alimony and childcare payments to you that will help fill the gap from your employment.

Don't rush things, it is too easy for SAHM's of small kids to fall through the cracks. Have support in place as well for back-up childcare and emotional support.

Look into foodstamps until the divorce is through to help with groceries? I don't know about that, but it is something to look into.

Good luck and hugs.
post #6 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by IntrovertExtrovert View Post
Could you get a job and tell your husband a different reason why you want a job? Even if you won't save as much money, when you're ready to leave you'll have a job history to show potential landlords, and maybe a kindhearted one will waive the security deposit.

How old are your kids? Depending on how old they are and how much training/skill/job experience you had pre-kids, it might take a while of working to get to the point where you're making more than your childcare costs. If you start now, you have a better chance of being at the point before you're ready to leave.

If your kids are very young and you have very little job experience or training, maybe you could take care of other people's kids in your home. It won't give you a leg-up on a rental application, but you'll be able to save more money and maybe use the experience to get a job at a preschool or daycare when you're ready to leave.
1) if I'm being honest I will absolutely need child support because the pay rate for what I do down here will not cover the bills for me and 3 children.
2) if I get a job he will expect the money from that job, considering once we pay for child care it would only be me making $50

My kids are 4, 3, and 1. I used to make $13 an hour, but now where I live I would only make $9. Here, its over $800 a month just for a 1 bedroom. Though, no one is saying I have to stay in the area, but I do want the kids to be able to see their dad easily, and if I don't have the money to move in town I sure don't to move out of town.

If I'm making any money, he's going to want it to help pay our bills.
post #7 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemoon View Post
For a period of time I had debated leaving dh (we worked on things though, so right now it's ok) and I had two young ones and no money and nowhere to go. Since he wasn't abusive etc. I had time to make a plan.

I looked into temping. Temp to hire is an easy way to find a permanent job and you can build up your skills. You can just say that you miss being able to work and really would like a job. It may raise red flags to your dh but just keep on the path that you need.

Save every.single.dime from your job. Save some money on groceries and pocket a stash. Open up your own checking account (he will never know you did that until the divorce). Find a cheap one bedroom apartment once you have a month of savings in place.

When you do divorce there will be some alimony and childcare payments to you that will help fill the gap from your employment.

Don't rush things, it is too easy for SAHM's of small kids to fall through the cracks. Have support in place as well for back-up childcare and emotional support.

Look into foodstamps until the divorce is through to help with groceries? I don't know about that, but it is something to look into.

Good luck and hugs.
I know once I'm on my own I will be fine. I can get temporary assistance if I need it. Getting to that point is th hard part. He gives me a credit card for grocery shopping, so there is no cash to pocket there either..
post #8 of 97
Well, if you are trying to be clandestine about things...

How about doing something else to make money other than a job- something you can do while he's gone all day and doesn't really "know" you are making money?
Things that come to mind are selling things on E-bay, or consignment shops, Craigslist, newspaper, ect. Consider selling plasma or White blood cells as well.

"Most" people are clutterbugs- they have tons of stuff laying around that can be sold- even if it's only for a few bucks. It's the letting go and the organizing of said stuff that can be hard. Act like you are decluttering and taking stuff to goodwill when you are in fact selling it instead. Sell baby swings, baby clothes, - figure out what you can make do without- and sell if. Like a changing table, most people can change diapers on the floor- sell yours. A 1 year old can sleep in a toddler bed or on a mattress on the floor. Tell hubby that 1 year old is climbing the crib and you are afraid he will fall and hurt himself and you want to donate it or give it to a friend. Sell the crib. Keep the dough.

Other things you may or may not be able to do to "make" money without hubby knowing are upping your deductible on car insurance, and homeowners insurance, or consolidating credit card debt into one account, canceling subscriptions to gyms, magazines, and other services that he won't miss, and you pocket what you save on these. For example, call waiting on my phone, I have it, but DH would never notice if I canceled it and thus paid less on the phone bill -This depends on who pays bills in the house though.

The best way to handle this is figure out, before you leave, how much money you will need- go as far as finding an apartment, and saving the money for first month's rent, deposit, ect before you leave. Also, go to the public library computers ( no record of your activity) and research income requirements and paperwork required to apply for food stamps, WIC and other such assistance.
post #9 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommysarah5 View Post
I know once I'm on my own I will be fine. I can get temporary assistance if I need it. Getting to that point is th hard part. He gives me a credit card for grocery shopping, so there is no cash to pocket there either..
My grocery store is supposed to return your money however you paid when you return something. But they always give me cash instead of putting it back on my credit card. Possibly they would be more careful with a bigger ticket item but that's what they do at my Giant with $5 and $10 dollar purchases.

I guess it is probably debit cards, not credit cards, where I see people asking to get charged a greater amount and get cash back...

Good luck figuring things out.
post #10 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcella_Moxley View Post
Well, if you are trying to be clandestine about things...

How about doing something else to make money other than a job- something you can do while he's gone all day and doesn't really "know" you are making money?
Things that come to mind are selling things on E-bay, or consignment shops, Craigslist, newspaper, ect. Consider selling plasma or White blood cells as well.

"Most" people are clutterbugs- they have tons of stuff laying around that can be sold- even if it's only for a few bucks. It's the letting go and the organizing of said stuff that can be hard. Act like you are decluttering and taking stuff to goodwill when you are in fact selling it instead. Sell baby swings, baby clothes, - figure out what you can make do without- and sell if. Like a changing table, most people can change diapers on the floor- sell yours. A 1 year old can sleep in a toddler bed or on a mattress on the floor. Tell hubby that 1 year old is climbing the crib and you are afraid he will fall and hurt himself and you want to donate it or give it to a friend. Sell the crib. Keep the dough.

Other things you may or may not be able to do to "make" money without hubby knowing are upping your deductible on car insurance, and homeowners insurance, or consolidating credit card debt into one account, canceling subscriptions to gyms, magazines, and other services that he won't miss, and you pocket what you save on these. For example, call waiting on my phone, I have it, but DH would never notice if I canceled it and thus paid less on the phone bill -This depends on who pays bills in the house though.

The best way to handle this is figure out, before you leave, how much money you will need- go as far as finding an apartment, and saving the money for first month's rent, deposit, ect before you leave. Also, go to the public library computers ( no record of your activity) and research income requirements and paperwork required to apply for food stamps, WIC and other such assistance.
That might work, but my husband works from home

I don't have a car, my husband does all the bill paying, my name isn't even on our bank account. I can research from home no problem, I have my own computer. I will figure out how much I need, then I'll just have to find a way to come up with the cash. Maybe somehow I could borrow some from family... but they are all usually broke.
post #11 of 97
online revenue possibilities include article writing for Helium.com, mechanical turk (mturk.com) or adsense through blogspot. All of these I have toyed with and they are slow revenue builders unless you can dedicate the time... but you could have the earnings deposited to paypal or a bank account of your own which you could set up online.... and all notices could come to you through an email account.
post #12 of 97
Call a local shelter and talk to them. You don't have to actually go there, from what I understand you can talk to them about your options and see what info they can give you. Also, here's a link on safety planning and steps you can take while you're still living with your spouse.

http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning/
post #13 of 97
Thread Starter 
thanks so much for all the great advice

Ideally, we could work out our problems, but its been years and the problems keeping coming back and its worse every time.
post #14 of 97
Maybe you could look in the paper or online for someone who is looking for a roommate. Perhaps you could borrow the money for the first month and then get a job or have one lined up by the time you move. It would certainly be easier to share rent than to pay it all by yourself----and, furniture and cooking supplies and things would most likely would already be there, except a bed for you and your kids.

You don't want to get into details, BUT----plotting and planning and sneaking away and just not being there one day when he shows up isn't a good thing to do, especially with 3 children. Unless you can prove that he is abusive to you or the children and is a danger to you or them, it is just a BAD IDEA. He can allege that you kidnapped them. If "things" have been bad for a while, and they don't get better, then he must know it too. "Things" in a marriage usually are not bad for just one party----both people are usually miserable and want out or want to work on things. Your husband CAN'T kick you out if you have been living there legally with him and the kids. Just upping and leaving is not a good thing to do, IMHO. If things are THAT bad, and you are THAT unhappy, he obviously must know. And, if you sneak away and leave one day without any notice, he's is going to be PISSED, and it won't make things easy for you when it comes time to talk about temporary child support or alimony. And, once you "leave", do expect that the locks will be changed and you won't be able to get back in. He can't "kick you out", but if you leave, he can certainly "keep you out". It is always my policy that things are always better if they are talked out, no matter what the end result is.

Open a bank account in your name only----or better yet, if you can open a bank account under a family member or friend that you can trust, do that. This way---he has no claim to any of the money in it. And, remember---just because your name is not on anything (the house, bank accounts, etc.) doesn't mean that you are not entitled to any of it in a divorce. I don't know what state you live in, but in *most*(some being more "liberal" than others), you are legally entitled to up to half, sometimes more, of whatever income has been generated and saved during the marriage; you are legally entitled to half of what the house is worth if it was purchased after your marriage (no matter whose name it is in) and if it was your husband's house before you got married, you are entitled to at least 50% of the equity that the house has gotten since you got married; you are legally entitled to half of what the car is worth----pretty much, anything and everything that you and your husband have, you are legally entitled to half of (sometimes more, depending on the state you live in). Your work in the home/household---although, perhaps, your husband does not appreciate it or think it is worth much---is looked on in a court of law as an "occupation", and your "contribution" to the household is definitely taken into consideration in a divorce proceeding. Men hate it---but, that's what happens. I read your other posts, and you were pretty clear that you do everything in the house and your husband works at home. Taking care of a house and 3 children is quite a responsible "job", and in the "real world", it would garner a very sizable salary!!

I guess I shouldn't be asking this, but---why, and more importantly, HOW, have you gone so long without a bank account of your own? I understand you don't have a job so you wouldn't have any income to deposit into it......but, do you get an "allowance" to spend? You mentioned having a credit card for groceries----can you use that credit card to do things that you want to do? How have you gone so long without your own car, bank account---it sounds like you have allowed him to control you for a good many years. It is time to take back the control of your own life. And, just MAYBE if you talked to your husband about this, you would actually be able to get some of your independence back and feel better about yourself by having a job.

In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you. I don't know what he does, but I get the feeling that all the bills are paid for and you don't need/ want for anything, even though you don't have your own car or bank account or anything. Have you ever talked to him about having your own checking account and putting some money in it every week or month--you know, "mad money"? Or, have you ever talked to him about getting a job? You mentioned that you worked before.......maybe you could work again and make your own money. It is only fair that if you were working that you contribute toward the household expenses....you would expect it if he worked that he would contribute to the expenses, so it is the same for you...but, he can't "make" you do anything, and he certainly can't steal your money. If you had a job, you could have direct deposit and he wouldn't be exposed to how much you make or anything. He would have *NO* control over that money whatsoever. But, it sounds like he has a whole lot of control over you, for whatever reason that may be.

Without any "resources", like family or friends that can help you, you are pretty much left to go to a shelter---and, if you can avoid that, you probably should. Like I said---you haven't given much information on the why's and how's, so it is hard to give "advice"...........if you are just generally unhappy in the marriage, then chances are, he is too. Maybe he is afraid to talk to you about it--I don't know. For the most part, just sneaking around and all of a sudden leaving is a pretty lousy thing to do---and, your ability to qualify for any "emergency" assistance would probably be slim unless he is abusing you or the children. I don't think that just because you were unhappy and felt like leaving would qualify as an "emergency". However--abuse does.

It's hard to answer when you don't want to give an "explanation" about your siituation........however, I think everybody on here would agree with me that if he is abusing you or any of your 3 children, you have to get out of there IMMEDIATELY, no matter what----and staying with your parents or a friend or even a shelter is better than enduring any sort of abuse from ANYONE!!
post #15 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DianeMarie View Post

You don't want to get into details, BUT----plotting and planning and sneaking away and just not being there one day when he shows up isn't a good thing to do, especially with 3 children.
dont worry, that was never part of the plan. I just don't want to tell him we are splitting up without having the money to leave if he says "fine then get out" (which he has said before and I ended up staying because I'm not going to take the kids to the streets obviously) He would have no desire to keep the kids, this I know, unless it was to spite me, but honestly I don't think he would even do that because i doubt spiting me would be worth the amount of money he would have to pay to have someone take care of them while he works and the amount of diapers he would have to change and just the whole "parent thing" that he isn't doing right now.

Quote:
I guess I shouldn't be asking this, but---why, and more importantly, HOW, have you gone so long without a bank account of your own?
About 5 years ago, I overdrew like $30-$40 from the bank. I was broke and didn't get to pay it back until two months later. By then they had reported me to check systems or something like that (which by the way, they are not supposed to do in such short time over such a short amount of money) But I paid it back and still I have to wait 7 years from that time before they will let me open up an account, which is again, NOT how its supposed to be done according to the laws I looked up, but I'm not exactly going to pay to hire a lawyer for it, it's never been a big deal... but I can get a friend to open an account for me I think, like you suggested if I can get some money.


Quote:
I understand you don't have a job so you wouldn't have any income to deposit into it......but, do you get an "allowance" to spend?
he lends me the card for groceries, then I give it back. If I want something, I ask for it and he buys it for me. Sometimes he gives me money to go to lunch or something with my friend, and my friend usually ends up paying, and then I give the money back. I could start hanging onto the money - but this only happens like less than once a month because for me to go he has to watch the kids and it always causes a fight because he doesn't like to.

Quote:
In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you. I don't know what he does, but I get the feeling that all the bills are paid for and you don't need/ want for anything, even though you don't have your own car or bank account or anything.
I know you are right, but I feel like thats the ONLY reason Ive been staying with him at this point, and that is not fair to anyone involved. See to him, he realizes he does these things and thinks that is "enough". But he talks down to me, he acts completely uninterested in me and the children, and he is rude to the kids if I ask him for help, its like he is mad at me so he is mean to them so that I wont ask him for help again. And to be honest, I very rarely ask him for help. Once a week I ask him to help so I can take a nap on one of his 3 days off. Today he took a nap and told me to wake him up in 45 minutes. I woke him up an hour later. We were outside for at least half that time. When we came in I needed his help and it had been time to wake him up anyway. He was SUPER mad, walked into the room, took a toy my son was playing with in the living room (he says the toy annoys him) and tossed it into the playroom. It wasn't violent, but he did it because he was mad I woke him up (he said he never fell asleep because we were too loud - but we had been outside most of the time) and when he threw the toy it broke the window. : It was just the last drop. My son walks around saying "daddy scare me daddy scare me" and "daddy broke the window. no throw daddy." He was once a wonderful husband and father. I don't know what happened, I feel like he doesn't even care to try anymore. Don't get me wrong I know he loves our kids, thats why he works so much. I know work stresses him out. I get stressed out too. I don't think either of us are especially nice to each other lately, but I'm tired of turning the other cheek. Today he told me he needs me to either be nice to him, leave him alone, or for our son to stop being retarded ::: I can't tell you how much that hurt and how angry it made me, as you can imagine. I told him NO I can't do that for you, that I was NOT willing to be his emotional punching bag and that NO I am not going to treat you with respect when you talk to me the way you do. I can't explain it but he is just very argumentative even when we are agreeing?? He's always on edge, I'm afraid to ask him anything because I don't want to fight. And at this point, there are no good moments to balance all this out. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, it's just true. He has no interest in me in ANY way, he is not nice to me, he is not nice to the kids. Where is the man I married? Where is the man who I used to stand smiling, watching him play with the kids, or snuggle with them on the couch watching a movie. Who the heck is this guy sorry im just so upset talking about it even though I didnt want to, I just... I dont want it to sound worse then it is, but it's still bad. I feel like it sounds worse on paper.

Ideally I would like this to work. I would like to go to counseling but he wont go. Or he doesn't have time. It's just a lot. I feel like I've put up with a lot over the years. I'm just at my breaking point. I stayed with him even after he cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be a friend ON MY SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY none the less. I stayed with him through times where he was heavy into alcohol - peeing in dresser drawers and closets when he was drunk, not coming home until 9 or 10 the next morning and missing work sometimes. God, I should have left THEN. But I stayed because there were good times too, and because I knew he loved me, and because when things got bad he tried to change or he got better. But this, this I can't do. I can't be with someone who I can't even trust loves me or my children. Part of me knows he does, but then I wonder if it's just because it would hurt to much to know otherwise? The kids don't even want to be around him much anymore, not that he makes any effort to be around them anyway. Maybe I'm dreaming, but part of me hopes if me and the kids leave that when he visits with them that he will make the most of it, like they might get more out of his father if we lived apart then together. I've even considered trying to stay married, just living separately. IDK anymore...
post #16 of 97
From what you have described, I would advise you to go to a shelter. Now.

Your husband cannot throw you out on the street just because tell him you want out of the marriage. The fact that you believe he will/can actually do this says a lot about how intimidated you are. Call a shelter and get out.
post #17 of 97
Go to a shelter. Get counseling. Get your kids out of there. This is not a healthy situation for you or them! I speak from a place of love. I left my first husband because he was abusive. I did not want to get a divorce but he was never going to change. I left, and I left all my furniture, things I had worked hard for before I married him..everything but my clothes and photo albums stayed. I did not tell him I was divorcing him. I told him I was going for a trip to see my mom, out of state. And then I called him when I got there and told him I wasn't coming back. Granted we did not have children. But my advice to you is to just leave, as quickly as you can. Call the shelter, the police can even come and escort you in an unmarked vehicle..or someone from the shelter. You wont have to do it alone. Just go. You deserve better and your children deserve better. You know it. So do it.
post #18 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by DianeMarie View Post
In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you.
(bolding mine)

As a single parent, yeah I do everything on my own, and most days it's overwhelming. BUT there is no price for being in control of your own life. In a good loving relationship a woman would never be told "fine then get out". I'm sorry that's not being "lucky" that's being controlled.

Last month I had shut off notices for all my utilities, and was close to being evicted, and I still feel blessed that I'm on my own.

Talk to a shelter, even thought your not in a physically abusive relationship they will be able to tell you what you can do to get on your own feet. They might be able to help you make a plan.

Being kept as a SAHM sometimes is made into a trap, and nobody is lucky to be trapped. Mama you deserve to be valued, if your husband can't, then you will have to do it for yourself.
post #19 of 97
mama

I've just PMed you. It's tough, it's really tough. In your shoes, if you know in your heart it's time to go, then I don't think taking time to build an exit plan is an option for you. I think that the control that he is exerting, financially and physically, is such that your best option is the shelter and a lawyer. Are you in a joint property state, btw?

Whilst you do this, however, I'd talk to different banks. After five years, I would anticipate that an alternative bank would give you a basic account, which allows money to be paid in and out and an ATM card. That's all you need.
post #20 of 97
While you said you weren't being abused(physically) there are other kinds of abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, sexual, verbal . It sounds to me you ARE at the very least being emotionally, and financially taken advatage of. I view these kinds of abuse just as bad as physical and you need to get out. Please take your kids and yourself to a shelter.
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