or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Help Please
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Help Please - Page 5

post #81 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosedotcom View Post
This is easily fixable. Get an alarm clock. Don't set yourself up every morning.
yes but the alarm doesnt wake up and he blames me. I can not do it, and I know I am not wrong, but that doesn't mean hes going to be nice to me.
post #82 of 97
Thread Starter 
no, actually, he doesn't do this to many people. mostly just me. everyone else it seems the opposite - like they can do no wrong in his eyes.

Thank you so much Lavendar - now I know I'm not crazy. That site, it was like reading about my husband in so many parts...

This example:

Abuser: Why is it taking so long to get out of the house?
Partner: I think the kids are still searching for their mittens.
Abuser angrily: I didn’t ask you!
Partner: What are you angry about?
Abuser with rage: You knew it was a rhetorical question!

I could have written that!

And the thing about "bad jokes"


and just a lot of the info on there, it's weird...
post #83 of 97
Quote:
yes but the alarm doesnt wake up and he blames me. I can not do it, and I know I am not wrong, but that doesn't mean hes going to be nice to me.
Yes but he isn't being nice to you either way. Let him wake up on his own a few mornings with the alarm clock. He'll learn.
post #84 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosedotcom View Post
Yes but he isn't being nice to you either way. Let him wake up on his own a few mornings with the alarm clock. He'll learn.
no, he'll just blame me for losing his job and try to "stick it to me" but probably still find a way to buy his cigarettes. I'll try this once I have a job and we can afford for him to lose his. I really don't want it on my shoulders that there is no money for groceries or rent. I realize he knows this, and this is why he does that, but I kind of feel backed into a corner right now.
post #85 of 97
Thread Starter 
Okay.... Eileen must have dated my husband before I married him. I'm reading the conversations, but I really suck at the whole "reveal abuse" thing.
post #86 of 97
Thread Starter 
Lavendar- is there a section on the site that tells you how you should respond to these things? It's hard to rehash what happens here clearly, but some of you seem to understand... He controls the conversation... I don't know what else to do? If I ignore him he's mad I'm giving him the cold shoulder, if I take all the blame he just shines on the opportunity to rub in how its all my fault, if I point out what he does he just turns it back around to be about me again. We could be talking about elephants and somehow he'll make it about confetti. I know I'm not explaining this well, but you seem to actually understand the situation, so if you have any advice on how to respond to him in these situations I'm all ears.
post #87 of 97
Quote:
no, he'll just blame me for losing his job and try to "stick it to me" but probably still find a way to buy his cigarettes. I'll try this once I have a job and we can afford for him to lose his. I really don't want it on my shoulders that there is no money for groceries or rent. I realize he knows this, and this is why he does that, but I kind of feel backed into a corner right now.
Can you set the alarm earlier than normal so he has a chance to be woken up by the alarm and you can be the back up? You might give yourself a little more power if he's forced to wake himself up.
post #88 of 97
Thread Starter 
That's a good idea. I'd still end up waking him up every time (we've done this before) but it's worth a try. though, then he'd probably tell me it's fauly he doesn't get good sleep because the alarm goes off to early...

One time he was supposed to pick me and the kids up from the airport. I was 16 or weeks pregnant, and had 2 toddlers with me. I ended up trapped at the airport for several hours because he was sleeping. I called and called and called and called but he didn't answer. Even my family tried called when I realized my phone was going to die (they lived too far to get me themselves - they were the ones I had just taken a plane home from visiting) He ended up mad at me for having my family call him.
post #89 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosedotcom View Post
Can you set the alarm earlier than normal so he has a chance to be woken up by the alarm and you can be the back up? You might give yourself a little more power if he's forced to wake himself up.
But it's not really about the alarm or how to do it better. There's no way to do it right in her case. He's not going to wake up for her and he's not going to take that responsibility on himself and he will blame not waking up on her. There's no getting around it or doing it right.

OP, I don't think your husband can kick you out. He can refuse to pay the bills and rent, but that hurts him too. He can refuse to leave and you'll have to deal with the divorce that way. Worst case scenario is that you all get evicted and get another ding on your credit report. You keep taking this all on yourself saying your backed into a corner. He's bluffing. He can't kick you out. If you're worried about it, ask the police if he can kick you out. Even if you're not on the lease, he can't kick you out. Get a legal separation and temporary custody orders. You can go to your states supreme court site and search for link until you get to how to file for all of these things. Look at how to do it and see if you can do any of it yourself. Delete all downloads and history, Clear your trash. Clear cookies afterwards. OR do all of this at the library.

The moms over on the single mothering board have all been here and done this. You should ask some questions over there.
post #90 of 97
Thread Starter 
thanks, its hard to get out of the habit of not trying to figure out what I can do differently... I know he's capable of having a good relationship, i just wish we could get back to that, i wish there was something I can do. Im not trying to be impossible though - it just seems like there really is nothing I can do sometimes, like no matter what, I could take the best advice from this thread that some people are so sure would work - but he's still find a way to be mean
post #91 of 97
I'm so sorry you got some rather...not so nice responses. I know where you're coming from since I've been through it myself. Heck, even now that I'm divorced, I STILL hear it-my ex keeps making a big deal out of the fact that he has no furniture (I kept the kids furniture and the living room stuff; he took the bedroom stuff and most of the kitchen stuff), yet he makes $30 an hour, works full time...and guess what? He just bought a big screen plasma TV. But its my fault he still doesnt have furniture. : Nevermind that we're sleeping on the floor, on a futon mattress, and have NO other bedroom stuff-and no income at the moment. The sad thing is, we'll most likely replace the stuff he took well before he gets himself stuff.

Some people absolutely refuse to see themselves as having any fault in anything. He's one of those people. I understand learning to get around and work with someones personality-I mean, even my fiance has this quirk where something small will make him mad and its like...wow, why? But I've learned how to get around it-I just go in, kiss him, and tell him to stop being so emo, until he smiles. But it sounds like your husband is really LOOKING for something to start. He wants to fight. He wants conflict. Or, at the very least, he wants to make you feel like crap, which is definately abusive behavior.

I'd definately get yourself a job. Even if you cant save any money up for moving, you can at least already have a job if you do leave him.

My fiance told me once that when a guy feels guilty or is doing something he knows is wrong, they'll get snippy over everything. They try to belittle you, because they dont like knowing they're wrong. Obviously he's home most of the time right? So, I doubt he's cheating on you now, but maybe he kept cheating longer than he admits? Perhaps he is just thinking about doing something, which makes him feel guilty? I dont know...I never, ever thought my ex cheated on me until I found out I had an STD last week. How humiliating...even moreso that I had zero clue.

Anyway, if I were you, I'd start making plans to leave, but just hold off saying anything yet. Keep trying to make it work if you can. Maybe he needs you to just become an uncaring UA violation for him to see what you do for him. I mean, trying to be caring hasnt worked, right? (By the way, I tried that and all I got was complaining, it didnt make him see anything different)

I dont know what else you can do. Good luck~
post #92 of 97
Thread Starter 
Thank you so so much Cari. For sharing with me and for offering support and understanding. Your advice on getting the job just in case even if I can't save money you are right, thats a really smart move
post #93 of 97
s:
post #94 of 97
i read your conversations....stop apologizing. he is abusing you and you are laying yourself on a platter for him.

your replies drag out. you trip over yourself in your rush to be the bad guy.

instead of going all drawn out, try:

'take the baby' period.

'do you want food?" period

he is grabbing at everything you are giving him. obviously he is responsible for his behavior and it is wrong no matter what others have said on here, but you can do a lot for yourself by not playing into it.

you are doing the verbal version of flinching before being slapped. he knows he has you.



me, personally, i would tell him to get out and come back when he has signed up for help of some sort. again, even your original question comes from a perspective of being the bad guy...you and your innocent children shouldn't even consider being tossed onto the streets. he needs to get his butt out of there.

here's my take: he's abusive, always has been abusive. you are just now learning from this thread what 'abusive' means. he has you emotionally under his thumb b/c you had an issue. he is twisting your mistake to abuse the heck out of you. you feel like you were in the wrong and you are taking it. you've hit your limit for tolerating it, but you believe he is the winner in this game so you are trying to run away.

change your perspective. i guarantee he won't change his.
post #95 of 97
Thread Starter 
Thanks claddaghmom. I know they say, the first act of war is defense.. it's hard not to try to "show him" that im not the bad guy he thinks i am. I am going to take your advice of just giving simple statements and dropping it.
post #96 of 97
I agree with everything Claddaghmom wrote. I hope you understand that a lot of people really have no clue about abuse and so their advice although well intended is not going to be helpful and could in fact be more damaging to you.
post #97 of 97
Thread Starter 
I see that Lavendar lol. Thanks though, because there were still a lot of people who gave me great advice and direction. I feel a lot better, now I just have some habits of my own to break... the habit of letting myself be the bad guy.

Thanks again to everyone who took the timeto reply and to those who offered support, encouragement, and great resources and information. I feel better and I don't want to clog up the parenting board with this post anymore. Great group of peopel here
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Help Please