Daily Groove...HOW do I love this behavior (tormenting cats)?

[Rasa]

So, I subscribe to Scott Noelle's Daily Groove message and am having difficulty with the implementation of part of today's message. Here is the bulk of it:
"Our behavior is a reflection of who we are at the moment. Hating your child's behavior is like saying you don't love the part of your child that wants to behave that way. To love unconditionally, you must find a way to love the behavior, too.

Fortunately, *loving* unwanted behavior doesn't mean *wanting* it or even tolerating it. You can love unwanted behavior even as you take steps to change it!"

So, HOW do I get to the place where I can love the behavior of my 4 year old when she is tormenting the cats, for example? I must admit--the cat thing really sends me over the edge sometime...we have two VERY gentle house-bound, middle-aged cats and they can't seem to get away from our child in time. She talks about how she gets 'confused' sometimes and just wants to pet them but then goes overboard, picking them up, squeezing them too hard, running around with them while they are giving her every signal they can that they are unhappy. I feel like we've talked it to death and if we try to react in the moment to remove her stranglehold, she gets even more determined to not let them go. I feel sorry for these helpless animals--they reach up as if to scratch her sometimes and then it's like they realize she's a child and don't go through with it. I've tried to involve her in their care/playing more or less but nothing seems to change it. It doesn't seem to be an attention-getting thing (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't).

Part of me knows this is a phase but hates the cruelty that these animals must endure until she outgrows this phase. We get out quite a bit, but I don't want to avoid our home all the time--we love it and enjoy our time here.

TIA for your suggestions!

[readytobedone]

i mostly delete those daily groove things without reading them these days

they tend to seem overly idealistic to me, and they make me feel like...a bad parent :

if you usually like them, but i guess my point is, you don't necessarily have to agree with his idea about that. i mean, obviously you know that. but...

if it makes you feel any better, DD bit me on the face today, and i didn't love it

i guess i love that she gets excited (she did it because she was excited/playful, not out of upsetness--though she's done that too!), but i still don't love being bitten. maybe that's the distinction? trying to love the place it's coming from? but even then...i mean, there are surely things people do that you don't like on any level. i think that's fine

[Rasa]

I'm average pretty neutral about the daily groove things--some things hit home and I like the gentle reminders about trying to have more positive thinking, etc. (change your perspective about the behavior rather than trying to change the behavior, etc.) and some things I think 'and exactly HOW am I supposed to implement this vague and idealistic suggestion' and then quickly think 'oh yeah, I'm supposed to subscribe to your parenting coaching!'

Guess I was just wondering if anyone had reached the level of mastery to love their kids behavior, even the kind we love to hate.

That's a good tip to try and love where the behavior is coming from. In my example, I know DD loves these cats...so do I...that makes it hard when her love turns to strangle holds!

[Magella]

"Our behavior is a reflection of who we are at the moment. Hating your child's behavior is like saying you don't love the part of your child that wants to behave that way. To love unconditionally, you must find a way to love the behavior, too.

Fortunately, *loving* unwanted behavior doesn't mean *wanting* it or even tolerating it. You can love unwanted behavior even as you take steps to change it!"

My kids do some things I definitely do not love. I think of it this difficult behavior in terms of accepting this behavior as sort of part of who our kids are, and loving our kids as they are. I think it's easy to get caught up focusing on just wanting to end the behavior, to think that this isn't what you want to see your kid doing (to wish things were different), and it's hard (for me, anyway) to accept that this is part of who your child is (even if it's a temporary thing). And somehow, for me, things are a little easier and a lot more peaceful when I'm really accepting that this is the reality of my kid. And, too, I find it helps to see the kid behind the behavior-the needs, the lack of skill, the wants, the feelings that drive that behavior. If I can look at it from a place of empathy then not only can I more effectively address the behavior, but I'm less focused on hating that behavior and more engaged in problem solving with my kid (like a pp said, loving where the behavior is coming from, rather than the behavior itself).

I am suspicious of people who profess to love that really difficult behavior itself, and tell others that they should too. That's awfully idealistic, imo. I absolutely believe you can love your kid unconditionally and really dislike some of their behavior. I do not think you need to love their most difficult behavior in order to love them unconditionally.

[heartmama]

I agree with the idea that we should not approach discipline from a place of anger and/or with an unloving attitude towards our child. I guess I see that as a separate issue from whether a behavior must stop/change. I can firmly make up my mind that a behavior needs to stop without getting angry or feeling hateful towards ds.

I am going to find out about putting a sticky in this forum for kids and pets. I always give the same advice. It boils down to talk less, do more.

1). No more access to the cats. The cats get free range of the house when the child is in bed or at school. The cats are restricted to one room when the child is awake and playing. Yes it is a sacrifice the cats have to make. It is a small price to pay to end the constant rough handling and harassment from the child. Cats are nocturnal. They will be just fine sleeping the day away in a comfy bedroom (or other room where you can close and lock the door).

2). As many supervised training sessions as you can do with the child and cat. You are in control. You show the child exactly what they can do with the cat. Child gets to practice (brushing, gentle petting, feeding). End the sessions before your child tries to get rough. Your child is 4 so it may only a year of this before she outgrows her compulsion to rough house with the cats. It may happen even sooner. I also think she is old enough to invoke the "outside authority" approach. Take her to see the vet, and ask the vet to speak to her about the rough handling of the cats. Encourage the vet to tell her, in child's terms, why she should not be rough with them etc. This can be VERY effective with preschool/kindy aged children.

There are numerous posts here from people who did not think they could do this, then did it, and voila, the problems over pets went away. No more tension, no more ongoing angst. You are in control of the situation. It is your job to keep the pets safe and teach your child how to behave around them. This cannot be accomplished when the child and cats are unsupervised together. Retake control of the situation and implement a routine for keeping the cats safe and teaching your child how to treat them. Good luck!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Great post, Heartmama

[juneweaver]

Yes, Heartmama, thanks.

[SaraMum]

Yes thank you for that.

[Rasa]

DH and I love the idea of taking DD to the vet with us so our vet can talk about appropriate/non-appropriate ways to be with the cats...both cats are due for a checkup anyway. We mentioned the idea to her in a non-threatening way but she's too clever--knew what we were up to and got very defensive and scared about going to the vet. From this I take that she KNOWS what she is doing is over the top and I have a feeling she's on the brink of self-control. She's been able to teach herself to stop self-destructive behavior in the past (a vigorous nail-peeling episode) and I'm hoping she'll reign in this one soon too. In the meantime, I'm already being way more vigilant about monitoring her interactions with the cats and that's helping too (I so wanted to trust her at this age but I'll have to wait a bit!)

Thanks for the helpful suggestions!!

[tinuviel_k]

Originally Posted by Rasa

"Our behavior is a reflection of who we are at the moment. Hating your child's behavior is like saying you don't love the part of your child that wants to behave that way. To love unconditionally, you must find a way to love the behavior, too.

Well, I think this concept is kinda ridiculous and very preachy-idealistic. Just because I dislike someone's behavior does NOT mean I dislike them. Saying that if I hate an action that my child chooses to do does not mean I hate a part of my child.

What if my teen started doing hard drugs? (Hypothetical, as my little cutie is only six ) If she started breaking into cars, robbing my parents, or sexually assaulted a person? Should I find a way to "love" that behavior? I think not. And just because I may not love drug use does not mean I don't love my child.

So don't beat yourself up over the fact that you don't love the fact that your child torments the cat! Take positive steps to see that the behavior is corrected or that the cat is not in the same space. (Heartmama's advice is great!) Love your little one even though you are frustrated, and don't feel guilty because some email told you you are "doing it wrong."

[poiyt]

I think the issue is not that hating the behaviour means hating the child - but that *that* is how the child percieved it. They are unable to differentiate their behaviour from who they are - so if they are able to tell you hate their behaviour, they will internalize it and believe that you also dislike them (even though we know its not true)

[AngelBee]

:

[Magella]

Originally Posted by poiyt

I think the issue is not that hating the behaviour means hating the child - but that *that* is how the child percieved it. They are unable to differentiate their behaviour from who they are - so if they are able to tell you hate their behaviour, they will internalize it and believe that you also dislike them (even though we know its not true)

I think this is an excellent point, and he does make that point earlier in that particular daily groove (went to his site to read it). Kids can feel that we dislike them when we dislike the behavior. I do think, though, that we can be careful with how and what we communicate to our kids to minimize that. And no matter what, we only have so much control over how another person perceives our words, tone, body language, and actions. Additionally, we can nurture our relationship with our kids so that they do trust that we love them no matter what.

I do think it helps to lighten up about some behaviors, and to change how we think about those behaviors. For example, sometimes I get frustrated when my son gets all bouncy and silly, and his body is just everywhere all at once and his voice is getting loud, and it's dinnertime. If I'm reprimanding him a lot for that, it's discouraging for him. He is a bouncy, energetic kid who naturally and easily find the humor and fun in everything. He's playful. That's who he is, and to frequently get very frustrated with his dinnertime playfulness does sometimes seem to feel to him like a rejection of who he is. So, I can choose to change how I look at it, to enjoy it a little more. To see the fun, lovingness of it-to remember that this fun-lovingness makes him who he is, and to cherish that. And it bothers me less. And I can still ask him to just turn the volume down a notch. Or we can get our sillies out before dinner. Or something. But changing how I think about it changes the whole dynamic. I can learn to love this behavior, even if I want to redirect it at dinnertime.

OTOH, there are behaviors that I cannot love. Some behaviors are very serious and even dangerous. And in these cases, it's not important that I love the behavior itself. What is important is that I approach addressing that behavior from a place of love and compassion for my child. Often that means dealing with my own emotions about it first (or at the same time) so that I'm not unwittingly communicating contempt for or resentment of my child through my tone or body language. It means learning to deal with my own anger in healthy ways, and learning to see where my kid's behavior is coming from, and learning new and effective ways of responding to that behavior that maintain my child's dignity. I think in some situations, you just do the best you can to ensure that your words and actions communicate love for your child even when the behavior is difficult. I think if the relationship is loving and trusting overall, then a child can handle it when a parent is frustrated with one or two behaviors and wants to work toward changing them.

I very much disagree with Noelle's statement that "To love unconditionally, you must find a way to love the behavior, too." Sure, if we're talking about my son's bouncy silliness this makes sense. But to me this makes no sense in the real world of addressing many of the more serious difficult behaviors we encounter in parenting.