What do you say to redirect WHINING??

[CariS]

Hi all -

I have a 2.5 yo ds and 4.5 yo dd. Wow. It seems like someone is whining every 10 mins - about what drink (rice milk or water here), about what food, about transition (brushing teeth, getting dressed). They're great, happy, healthy kids but wow! I'm suuuuure its me and I whine and don't know it or something - but please -

What do you do, what to you say when your children whine?

[hopefulfaith]

Damn. I was hoping there would be a thousand replies to this, because I'm having the same problem.

Mine are almost-4 and 2.5, and I feel like I'm constantly saying "How can you ask me nicely?" and "Ooh. Try again." and "Can you ask me in a more pleasant way?", etc., etc.

It's been a long week. My 2.5 y/o girl goes from whining to simply dropping herself on the floor and wailing. Clearly, my strategies are not working lately! I wish you luck with this as well.

[lamairs81]

Same here. Hopefully someone comes along with something that they've found has worked. My 5yo niece is a nonstop whiner...at us, at her brother, & at our kids. If I had a buck for everytime I've heard 'so & so won't play with me', 'so & so doesn't like me/isn't my friend anymore', 'so & so hurt my feelings', we'd be rich. At least we're slowly getting somewhere with the fights over their character plates. Good luck . Maybe we'll all manage to get some good advice off this thread. :-)

[ssh]

I've said "I can hear your words better if you use a calm voice", but my 3.5 year old kinda growls her complaints when she's upset. I really can't understand her sometimes when she's upset or angry. I think I prefer it to whining though. 2.5 was a really rough age for tantrums, our worst so far.

[GuildJenn]

I have a birth defect and I am unable to hear whining. It's sad, but my son is learning to cope.

(And yes, I know it's the age and I know that usually I am much more hardcore about not sweating the small stuff! But whining is one of the few things that drives me mad.)

[lifeguard]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I have a birth defect and I am unable to hear whining. It's sad, but my son is learning to cope.

Fabulous!

[patricegonzales]

My DD was whining one day to dh, I was in the other room and it sounded like a monkey!
I came in and talked to this "monkey", asked if R was in there, told him I was going to eat him up if he didnt come out and so on. Now when she whines, we say something like "...did you hear that monkey? R, is that monkey back? Look! There he goes! go catch him!" (great for redirecting her to dh "...I think he just went in dads mouth!" ) or "Monkey, ,I dont understand you." It makes her giggle!
hang in there!

[momma_unlimited]

Maybe it would help to look at this situation a little differently. Rather than "re-directing", can you find it out WHY it's happening in the first place?

Without assuming, can you play detective and figure out how your children are feeling which prompts them to use a whiny voice?

For instance, I can think of reasons why I have whined in the past:

I was feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't have much confidence that I would get what I wanted to begin with, so I didn't sound confident in asking for it.
I was frustrated I had to be dependent on someone else and felt frustrated that I *had* to ask, so my tone of voice reflected all this anxiety about asking.
I was apprehensive to ask in the first place because I knew the person I was asking would feel put upon, or had previously made me feel like a burden when I asked for things.

I could think of other reasons too. Now if you can figure out why, then you can figure out how to meet the emotional needs causing the behaviour. Being able to laugh at yourself can be useful (not to take yourself too seriously), but redirecting can potentially be ignoring how things really are, a lack of validation and working through the negative thought process to resolve it... I guess as their mama only you can know which approach is needed here.

[patricegonzales]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

Maybe it would help to look at this situation a little differently. Rather than "re-directing", can you find it out WHY it's happening in the first place?

Without assuming, can you play detective and figure out how your children are feeling which prompts them to use a whiny voice?

For instance, I can think of reasons why I have whined in the past:

I was feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't have much confidence that I would get what I wanted to begin with, so I didn't sound confident in asking for it.
I was frustrated I had to be dependent on someone else and felt frustrated that I *had* to ask, so my tone of voice reflected all this anxiety about asking.
I was apprehensive to ask in the first place because I knew the person I was asking would feel put upon, or had previously made me feel like a burden when I asked for things.

I could think of other reasons too. Now if you can figure out why, then you can figure out how to meet the emotional needs causing the behaviour. Being able to laugh at yourself can be useful (not to take yourself too seriously), but redirecting can potentially be ignoring how things really are, a lack of validation and working through the negative thought process to resolve it... I guess as their mama only you can know which approach is needed here.

WOW! Very well put and thought out! Thank you for the insight!

[Funny Face]

Originally Posted by patricegonzales

My DD was whining one day to dh, I was in the other room and it sounded like a monkey!
I came in and talked to this "monkey", asked if R was in there, told him I was going to eat him up if he didnt come out and so on. Now when she whines, we say something like "...did you hear that monkey? R, is that monkey back? Look! There he goes! go catch him!" (great for redirecting her to dh "...I think he just went in dads mouth!" ) or "Monkey, ,I dont understand you." It makes her giggle!
hang in there!

Oh how I wish playful parenting worked on my 3.5 dd. I love reading stories like this of how parents find a fun and cute way to connect with their child and help them end a 'bad habit'.

Dd gets soooooo mad if I do something playful when she is upset/annoying/angry/hungry/tired... you get the idea.


I think that is such a cute and creative idea!

[iamama]

I have been saying use a confident voice.

[momma_unlimited]

WOW! Very well put and thought out! Thank you for the insight!

I'll admit, I've just listened to 7 Naomi Aldort cd's in the past few days so I'm feeling rather idealistic.

[earthmama369]

Oh, sorry! My ears are broken. They don't hear whining. Want to try that again?

Change your tone, please.

I'd be happy to help you, but I couldn't understand your words through the whining.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

I'm a sarcastic mama. Luckily, that theory that kids don't understand sarcasm until they're seven doesn't hold true with my kids (4 and 3). It must be genetic. Double lucky, both my kids respond well to gentle sarcasm and humor most of the time, and they're quite capable of telling me if it's not what they want in the moment.

[crazylady]

Whining drives me crazy but my 3 year old is a huge fan of it! It's gotta stop!

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith

My 2.5 y/o girl goes from whining to simply dropping herself on the floor and wailing. Clearly, my strategies are not working lately! I wish you luck with this as well.

Mine does this, too. It's really hard to control/predict. Yesterday, my DS asked, "What you doing, mama?" and I said, "I'm slicing up this apple to take with us" (as a snack for a trip into town). He fell on the floor whining/sobbing, "No slice! No slice!"

We try to say, "You need to ask in a calm/quiet voice" or "I can't understand you when you talk like that."

It doesn't always work.

[sunshine1793]

We say: STOP WHINING, quite firmly, and then give an explanation and/or a 'command' to do something else. Or is possible, engage with them in doing something else.

"You already asked, and we said no. Go and play with your toys."

"The bagel is in the toaster, it will be ready in 3 minutes." Airplane ride around the house, playing with a ball, etc.

I find, dd doesn't really respond to polite requests when she is in one of those moods. We need to speak in more authoritative, commanding way to get her attention.

She is 2 and 3 months, and we are seeing a lot more resistance to our general requests (she has generally done whatever we asked, and happily), and dropping to the floor wailing over not getting something right then and there.

[newbymom05]

I'll say "Please use a different tone" or "Repeat that, please." We rarely have whining w/ our 4 y/o, so either the method works or he's holding them in until he explodes, lol.

Re: tantrums, both DH and I told DS that pleasant, logical persuasion *may* change our mind about something, but that once the tantrum happens, that's it, the answer is going to be no regardless. That seemed to be a light bulb moment for DS. When he does have the rare freak out, I see it more as he's having an insanely frustrating moment rather than a manipulative one, so it's easy for me to be patient, and I think it's easy for him to stop, rather than the full-on endless tantrum, waiting/hoping for fulfillment.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

Maybe it would help to look at this situation a little differently. Rather than "re-directing", can you find it out WHY it's happening in the first place?

Without assuming, can you play detective and figure out how your children are feeling which prompts them to use a whiny voice?

For instance, I can think of reasons why I have whined in the past:

I was feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't have much confidence that I would get what I wanted to begin with, so I didn't sound confident in asking for it.
I was frustrated I had to be dependent on someone else and felt frustrated that I *had* to ask, so my tone of voice reflected all this anxiety about asking.
I was apprehensive to ask in the first place because I knew the person I was asking would feel put upon, or had previously made me feel like a burden when I asked for things.

I could think of other reasons too. Now if you can figure out why, then you can figure out how to meet the emotional needs causing the behaviour. Being able to laugh at yourself can be useful (not to take yourself too seriously), but redirecting can potentially be ignoring how things really are, a lack of validation and working through the negative thought process to resolve it... I guess as their mama only you can know which approach is needed here.

I agree, there might be a reason why they are whining, might it not? I can remember feeling scared of asking or telling something because I might get told off for whining, and that fear made me talk with an unhappy, whiny voice. I coudn't manage to control it. The only thing left to do was to not talk to grownups about what bothered me.

I hate it when I'm upset and my husband starts focusing on my mood instead of on what I'm saying.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

I agree, there might be a reason why they are whining, might it not? I can remember feeling scared of asking or telling something because I might get told off for whining, and that fear made me talk with an unhappy, whiny voice. I coudn't manage to control it. The only thing left to do was to not talk to grownups about what bothered me.

I hate it when I'm upset and my husband starts focusing on my mood instead of on what I'm saying.

I agree with you in principle, but I also think there are some stages -- like around 4, where my son is right now -- where kids are testing the response to certain ways of interacting. We don't shame or anything but I do find that not responding to the whine is working pretty well for us... I also try to be careful to listen to the need so that we can be sure to meet that too. It's a fine line.

[SamGroom]

When my 4.5 year old whines I ask her in a calm voice:

"are you asking me something or whining?"

She usually always says "asking" and then restates her question in a better tone.

It has been really working for us, I think b/c sometimes she herself is unaware of how she sounds to others.