Anxiety about donor's physical characteristics

[citygirl144]

This original post is edited for privacy reasons - thanks!

[whoabethy]

congrats on finding a donor!

about the weight thing: i think if you're modeling good choices about eating and exercise, your child will probably be fine. although if neither of you have ever struggled with your weight, you might have to be little more sensitive to your child's struggles.

we have the opposite problem. our donor is a little guy, so our baby will probably be pretty short. i figure that kids will make fun of each other for something no matter what. the amazing qualities our donor has FAR outweigh our concerns.

i see you're in brooklyn! so are we!

[frontierpsych]

I wouldn't worry too much. I am 5' tall and 102 lbs. My husband is 5'11" and 270lbs. Our son is lovely and adorable.

http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b1...se/family1.jpg

I do worry about him having issues with his weight in the future, but there's always some issue or other that you'll have to worry about, no genes are perfect, kwim?

[EviesMom]

I wouldn't worry about it for the future; your child will grow up in a very different environment, AND you're talking about 1/2 the child's genes too, not all of them!

Secondly, if you're worried about birth size, that actually has far less to do with the parent's adult size than their sizes at birth in my experience. My brothers are big strapping guys, but they were 7 and 8 -something pounds at birth, which is pretty average baby size. I was 7 pounds even at birth. DH who is tall and thin was 8 1/2 pounds at birth and long. DD was 6 pounds 6 ounces (slightly early-37 weeks) and DS was 8 pounds 8 ounces at 40 weeks. He completely has his father's toddler build as a toddler (50% percentile height 5% weight). I guess I might worry about a small Mama whose donor was a 12 pound baby, but even then, it's not a given the baby will be big.

[citygirl144]

Thanks all of you for your insights- i think its such an anxiety provoking time (though very exciting) that i keep finding things to fixate on/worry over.

[AngelaM]

My situation is a bit different, as I used a bank, not a KD. But, after trying with all these "dream donors" who weren't delivering the goods, I switched to a donor I wasn't as excited about- who had a very high sperm count. I vaguely remember noting that he seemed tall. I got pregnant right away, and basically forgot about the donor.

Now I have an 11-month-old DD who is the most amazing thing in the world. She is also literally off the charts in terms of her height, and pretty high up there for weight as well. I am 5'6" and skinny. My DP is 5'3". There is no doubt in my mind that she will tower over us. Possibly next month.

I do worry sometimes that this will cause her to feel even weirder about her already inherently weird family. (My DP identifies as trans/genderqueer, so we're not even a two-mom family, but rather, a mom/tranny daddy family.) But, I also figure, as others have noted, that she'll always have SOMETHING to feel awkward about. And, she's so perfect, I wouldn't change a thing about her.

In sum, my advice is to not sweat it. If it's meant to work out with this donor, it will, and you'll end up with exactly the baby that's meant for you.

Oh, and on the birthweight thing- even though she's a chunker now, my DD was only 7 lbs 7 oz when she was born.

Good luck!

[Snapdragon]

I think your concern is totally legitimate. I would say find another donor and it does not seem shallow to me. It seems like careful consideration. I think being careful about the genetic traits you want your baby to inherit is very reasonable.

[FtMPapa]

I had a similar but opposite struggle - my former KD is quite thin, and small, though not short, probably average male height - while I am quite tall, even by guy standards I'm fairly tall, and quite large, as are all the dominant traits from my mother's side (my father's side is quite tiny).

I decided that it was more important to me to have a KD than to sweat his physical characteristics, beyond obvious health concerns, like a strong family history of diabetes or other diseases that are present in my family.

You can buck genetics - while having a large frame is genetic, being fat has been shown to be more closely linked to one's social network than one's genes, it's probably more about what you eat, how you eat, and that is tied to class and culture, not genes.

Perhaps I'm more able to overlook genetic issues because I am a sociologist, and that's the frame through which I view the world.