how do you "make it clear this is unacceptable"?

[SweetPotato]

I've seen this phrase used a lot on this forum when people are dealing with unpleasant behaviors (usually when parents are looking for alternatives to punishment), and I guess I'm ready for a bit more detail. Seriously- exactly how do you impress upon a young child that something is unacceptable? I'll give you an example- my 3.5 yo dd was just an absolute pill at Target. She has always been very sensitive about receiving attention from adults she doesn't know, and this morning she got herself riled up and started saying yelling "I hate you" to every adult who happened to come near us- tried to spit on them, etc. It was horrible, I talked to her during and after about how it is not okay to yell and spit at people, told her she can always whisper to ME if she's uncomfortable with someone nearby, she can look away, etc.- and I finished shopping and got out of dodge as quickly as possible.

There are many other examples I can think of- so I'm not really looking for something specific to this one example. I'd love some concrete ideas for helping her understand that some behaviors are NOT OKAY. She doesn't seem to give a rip if I say something is "unacceptable."

[LynnS6]

For my kids, there has to be an ACTION accompanying the words. My ds is 8, and he is now able to 'get it' when I give him the evil eye and say "that is unacceptable" ("okay, okay"). But that's within the last 2 years or so. My dd is 5, and she'll understand the words, but it might not affect her behavior.

Young children are physical learners. That means they need to experience the consequence. Very often that means removing them from the situation. Once they're out of control, nothing can be learned till we've regained a little control, and that often takes a different location. So, for example, dd would not stop trying to throw her legs over her brother when sitting on the couch with him. Ds asked her to stop. I told her to stop. Nope. So, I took her off the couch and sat her next to me. She was furious, but I explained that if she couldn't stop, she couldn't sit there.

Sometimes it means avoiding situations until my kids are old enough to handle them. Neither of my kids does well shopping. We usually had 1-2 stops before they would melt down. I shopped for groceries at 9 pm a lot when they were little.

I've only had to haul my kids out of stores once or twice. I'm lucky in that while ds gets easily overstimulated, his reaction usually is to freeze. It looks like your dd's reaction is to lash out to 'protect' herself from what her brain is perceiving as a threat. So, the flight or fight mechanism kicks in. My son's reaction is 'flight', your dd's is 'fight'. Both natural, it's just yours looks more like 'bad' behavior.

You might want to read "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. It's a great book and might help you understand your dd a little better. I'm highly sensitive myself, and found the book very insightful for me and my kids.

[oceanbaby]

Well, I know this is easier said than done, but in that situation we would have left the store. That's how you let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.

I find this approach a lot easier when it's between you and a kid - you can leave the room or the store, etc. It gets a lot trickier when it's between kids. I mean, if a kid bops his little brother over the head, short of punishment, there's not any clear cut way to let them know it's unacceptable other than to explain it to them, and most of the time they are ignoring you. I find this the trickiest area to negotiate - siblings.

[eirual]

In your case, she must have been feeling pretty awful to react that way and she was dealing with that the best she could given the circumstances. If that's a recurring theme, I'd discuss the issue with her (including asking for her insight as to why and what else she could do instead) and give her at least a dozen more appropriate things she could do (wearing a hat or glasses? a book to read? something empowering to hold? a scarf of yours? more appropriate words to say, etc.

If you've set her up for success in all the ways that you can, and the behaviour still continues I'd show my DS that something was 'unacceptable' by not tollerating it. I'd remove him from the situation and discuss it with him further.

I also think your emotional response to the situation are valid. There have been instances where DS has done things which genuinely upset me, and that's a pretty real consequence to see mommy upset or angry. Using it as bait or leverage, especially consistently is not okay, but a true emotional reaction/consequence is quite valid, I think.

[JolieC]

I'm so sorry that this happened - it's so hard, isn't it? And I am having the same dilemma here with my 3 yo twins and figuring out how to make things clear. So thank you for posting the question.

[philomom]

Leave the store immediately. Shop without her for a time. Then, give her a talk about appropriate store behavior and try her on a few short outings. Be prepared to leave again should the need arise.