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Spoiled eight year old -HELP - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
wow....ladies you have really helped with the last two posts. I can't thank you enough.
post #22 of 28
I would buy "parenting with love and logic" and read it. Then I would offer it to your husband to read. If it sounds like something he would like to try (it does emphasize giving the child choices when it doesn't effect your life, and keeping the very important choices for yourself...but also other things), do it together. BUT ALSO, if you choose to do it, then you ALSO have to give a copy to his mother (grandma) and have HER read it and agree to parenting his daughter that way when she is with her.

My girlfriend did this with all the families on her block, so that every child knew that no matter whose house they were in, they would get the same response to poor choices. It is heaven on their block now! Kids love boundaries and they love to feel as if they have security...and at the same time they want choices. This book really helps to do all of that.
post #23 of 28
Wow, jodieh68, I think you are living with my DH and DSD! It really sounded like you are describing exactly what I'm living with. So at least you know you aren't the only one!

I wish I had more advice, but after six years, my situation has only gotten more difficult, probably because noone (DH) has done anything to correct it. I've given up on trying to influence DH and DSD's behavior in any way because that only makes things worse, but just by refusing to pamper her the way most people do I have become the wicked stepmother in my family and I HATE IT SO BAD! I love DH very much but if we did not have a little 3yo together I would leave in a heartbeat.

There is some good advice in this thread (I hope to use some of it myself). Most importantly I would just tell you to do SOMETHING because right now you can't imagine walking away but if nothing is done it will only get worse until you are just completely sunburned and it will be too late. Will your DH agree to counseling (mine won't)

Sorry if I sound too harsh! I wish you lots of luck.
post #24 of 28
Sorry to go off-topic, but I looked up Parenting with Love and Logic (because I always pursue parenting book recs) and was very disturbed by what I read about it. Apparently this book condones spanking - but says it must be as painful as possible to be effective. It also suggests letting your kids go without basic needs like food or a coat as a natural consequence. And it has a chapter on german shepard basic training where young kids are taught to obey parental commands on cue.

These all seem very far from the attachment parenting principles advocated at MDC. There are so many positive reviews and it seems like such a brand (always a scary thing imo) that I wanted to give a warning. I guess I also think it's important because I think in step and blended family situations it is much harder to practice attachment parenting - because the attachment is much weaker. So we should really steer clear of parenting methods that are more authoritarian.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronxmom View Post
Sorry to go off-topic, but I looked up Parenting with Love and Logic (because I always pursue parenting book recs) and was very disturbed by what I read about it. Apparently this book condones spanking - but says it must be as painful as possible to be effective. It also suggests letting your kids go without basic needs like food or a coat as a natural consequence. And it has a chapter on german shepard basic training where young kids are taught to obey parental commands on cue.

These all seem very far from the attachment parenting principles advocated at MDC. There are so many positive reviews and it seems like such a brand (always a scary thing imo) that I wanted to give a warning. I guess I also think it's important because I think in step and blended family situations it is much harder to practice attachment parenting - because the attachment is much weaker. So we should really steer clear of parenting methods that are more authoritarian.
Thanks for the info. I was going to get on and order it tonight off amazon. Not anymore.
post #26 of 28

Let him make the decision

As a stepmother myself, I feel for you. When I first married DH, almost 10 years ago, I really had no ideas what I was getting myself into. Since then I had learned a lot in order to survive. My stepkids are now 21 and 18 so they are no longer my responsibility. I survived but it's not easy.

I guess the bottom line is not how willing you are to work with your SD, it's more so how willing your DP is to work with you. The two of you MUST be on the same sideline or this relationship will not work. You need to sit down and to make agreement in terms of house rules and disciplines. Better yet, write them down. Your partner needs to understand how you feel and that he respects you and your feelings. Loving his child is important to him but he also needs to remember his love to your should not come second. Believe me, if the situation doesn't improve for you, your love will gradually lose its strength in sustaining such relationship because a constant stress is stretching the trust between you and your partner.

When I first married I was naive enough to believe that things would work out as we lived together. By the time DH told me to back off and hands off disciplining his children I knew I had made a mistake. It was then too late, our marriage had produced a third child of our own. I suffered being a stepmother who was asked only to perform parental responsibility without parental rights. I resented very minute of it but I didn't want our son to have to experience what my stepchildren did so I stuck with my husband.

Now that both of my stepchildren are out of the house, my husband and I still have a lot of issues, related to all those years when my stepkids lived in the house, to deal with. Our child is the only glue that keeps us together now. Yet almost every day we both feel bitter about what we did or not for each other. This is not what I'd call a happy marriage. If you believe by putting up with the situation until she's old enough to be out of your life, I can tell you right now, the happy ending will never come. What you're going through and how your man is treating you right now will impact your relationship for many years to come.

My opinion is that if you can get your partner to agree or compromise to a level where you both feel comfortable, by all means give it a try. If you partner has his heart set on letting his daughter do whatever and whenever she's pleased, you might as well have a back up plan. A lot of time men don't understand how important it is for a woman to feel respected and appreciated. By not listening to you he is not showing you his respect, and he doesn't seem to appreciate the effort you put in trying to make the relationship to work.

Talk to him and give him a choice. You don't have to be the one to make the decision. He should be the one and you just respond accordingly. Best of luck!
post #27 of 28
Thread Starter 
It really helps to hear others who live in a similiar situation as this. My DP told me this weekend that he was going to to have to make some changes with the way that he was raising his DD because he felt as if it were out of control so hopefully things are looking up. My Dp's mom is a big part of the problem too and she recognizes her fault as well. I know it is a long road ahead but it is a start.
post #28 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakah View Post
Thanks for the info. I was going to get on and order it tonight off amazon. Not anymore.
Here's that thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=311148 unless it was this one: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=705536

I would see if your library has the book if you want to read it. It does have some ideas that I've found useful. However, I find many things about it to be very inappropriate (to say the least). I actually took one class and then stopped because of the age-inappropriate expectations, the rigidity of the instructors, and the lack of empathy and absence of love (both from the videos and the instructors). And a lot of the consequences are not at all logical!
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