"but Daddy didn't ask me to..."

[pumpkinseed]

I have an almost 5 year old and a 13 month old. My almost 5 yr old dd is very intense-always has been. Which for the most part is tons of fun-but it definitely has its challenges. Anyway-she has always been a Daddy's girl - but she is now at that age where Daddy is everything. In play, she has told me that I need to move out with my "new" husband and go to the new house and that family needs me and that she would stay here with Daddy. I realize this is completely age appropriate and that isn't what bothers me. Its that she will not listen to me-she is now completely ignoring me-and will only do things if asked by dh.
As an aside-dh and I have a great marriage and we completely agree about our parenting, etc...we don't let her play one of us off the other.
Last night getting ready for bed was just ugly. She was running around and laughing and screaming at me that she didn't have to listen to me - that Daddy hasn't asked her to get ready for bed so she wasn't going to. I finally grabbed her (had to-she was running full speed from across our room onto the bed and was going to hurt herself) Then screamed that I hurt her. She does this often-I have to physically stop her from something where she is going to either hurt herself or someone else. I ask her to stop first and she doesn't - and then screams at me that I am hurting her when I get her to calm down. I know I am not hurting her. There isn't an option to let her hurt me, herself or her sister...
What can I do? I am at my wits end with her. Its so sad. I realize that I also have to take care of my 13 month old and that is a lot of the problem. If I stop giving her any attention at all-she flips out. And its worse unfortunately on days where I have had something special planned for just the two of us. My dh works at home one day a week and I try to get her out while my youngest is napping-yesterday I took her to a show and of course we had a great time. And then last night was horrible. This is a common pattern for her. This morning we were all having fun-I was doing the laundry and playing with them. I had to go in the kitchen to clean up for two minutes (really-just 2 minutes) and the next thing I know she is dragging her sister by her ankles almost upside down while she was screaming She did this yesterday as well...
After I calmed down this morning-I tried to get her to draw her feelings on paper-I am not sure she really gets it-but I really want to help her.
Help!

[EnviroBecca]

Doesn't it seem sometimes like they just can't stand having fun and have to do something to end it? :

About the Daddy problem, I think your best bet is to have Daddy sit her down, when you're not around, and explain to her that it's important TO HIM for her to cooperate with you and that will make HIM happy. Sort of set up a standing order from Daddy to do what you say. Would that work?

[pumpkinseed]

Thanks for your reply-I really appreciate it. I know I can't be the only one with this issue!

I think that might work-if he is home-he always comes in and asks her to listen to me. At first I was thinking that was belittling my voice-but in reality it gets it done.

We talk a lot about respect in our house. And she says she is trying-she is working on it. We - like most families probably- have some of our best heart to hearts while snuggling at night right before going to bed. Dh has been putting her to bed almost every night since I had my youngest. I think this is part of the problem. We used to take turns-but my youngest obviously needs me to get her down-and some nights it takes forever-so he gets to put older dd down. The rare time that I get to put her down-when dh goes out- is wonderful. Tiring, but great that I get to spend that special time with her. I think I need to try to figure out how to put her to bed more often. I think it would help tremendously.

[mom2grrls]

Although I think all kids are a mommy or daddy's child at some point this sounds a bit extreme. Perhaps the 2 of you need more of a "fun" connection? Are you a SAHM? I know my kids get all excited when dad gets homeb/c they see me all the time lol.

[Deer Hunter]

Both the baby and your older one need a parent to put them down, so why can't both of you take turns putting them to bed? Like, one night, you put the baby to bed and her puts your older one to bed. The next night, you put the older one to bed and he will put the thirteen month old down. My fiance and I already discussed that we will take turns with the children on everything, this way, they do not get too attached to one parent, can learn to adjust better, and we both get an equal break period so we do not become psychotic from the kids driving us batty. Perhaps, this may work for you, too? Keep us updated.

[pumpkinseed]

mom2grrls-I am a SAHM and we definitely need a "fun" connection. She definitely craves that from me. Its hard though-whenever we do something fun-and I try to make sure she has fun 1 on 1 time with me everyday-she has a really hard time afterwards when I have to cook, clean, do something with my littlest one, etc...

DeerHunter-although that sounds like a great idea-I am still nursing the littlest one to sleep. So dh is unable to do that Although there are some nights when she doesn't nurse to sleep-but I then rock her to sleep-I just don't know how its going to go until I am done nursing her. So until she stays awake consistantly after nursing at bed time-its not an option.

[EnviroBecca]

Dh has been putting her to bed almost every night since I had my youngest. I think this is part of the problem. We used to take turns-but my youngest obviously needs me to get her down-and some nights it takes forever-so he gets to put older dd down. The rare time that I get to put her down-when dh goes out- is wonderful. Tiring, but great that I get to spend that special time with her. I think I need to try to figure out how to put her to bed more often. I think it would help tremendously.

Likely you're on to something here. In my family we've been struggling to get away from my being the bedtime parent all the time. It used to be about nursing, but the kid's been weaned for over 2 years, and I still was doing about 4 out of 5 bedtimes. There are various related issues, but the ones that might be applicable to your situation as well are that EnviroKid was getting the impression that only I could provide this special time for him, that he felt like EnviroDaddy couldn't be bothered with him and other things were more important to him (in your case, what seems more important would be baby sister), and that all of us were acting as if his preference for me meant that he had to have me.

I'm finding that when EnviroDaddy does bedtime or another serious one-on-one time (like they go to the museum together, without me), I can see the difference in EnviroKid's behavior toward him AND in general for about 24 hours afterward! He seems more centered and secure and much more interested in spending MORE time with Daddy, being like Daddy, and having Daddy do things for him.

Does your little one still take more naps than her big sister? Could you use her naptime for a special activity, such as playing a game with small pieces?

[pumpkinseed]

Older dd gave up naps the week she turned 3 and I found out I was pregnant with my little one-great timing

I have been trying to do fun stuff with her during littlest one's morning nap-and being with her-but having quiet time (me doing my own thing quietly-knitting, computer, cooking, cleaning, etc...while she is doing her own quiet thing-reading, coloring, painting, etc...) during her shorter afternoon nap. I admit there are days that I am with her but not actively engaging her these days because everything out of her mouth to me those days have been rude. I know that mean she needs more of me-but it is so hard when she is literally sitting there yelling, scowling and making faces at me. I have tried to "lighten the mood" by being silly-but that just makes her more mad- "why are you laughing-its not funny-you shouldn't laugh at people..." unless I catch it in time-then it works. She is just such a sensitive, funny, smart kid-that thinks sooooooo much.

I always go into her room after I put little one down if she is still awake to give her another hug and kiss goodnight. The past few nights I have gone in and laid down with her and chatted with her for a little while. Its been nice-maybe if I at least keep trying to do this and trying really hard to maintain my temper when she gets out of hand...things will turn around in a few weeks. Wish me luck!

Thanks again for all of your input!

[Surfacing]

Honestly one of the best things that worked for us was putting dd1 (4 y.o.) in a wonderful daycare only two days a week. Somehow it seemed to click in her mind that sometimes we need to follow routines and rules and it isn't just Mommy and Daddy who says we have to do them. Somehow it has made her MUCH happier and MORE cooperative. Is this an option for you right now? Have you considered doing this?

As for the parental preference - these things swing (over here anyway). Have you been the apple of her eye before, and now it's Daddy's turn?

Also I think it's about boundaries and consistency. She may say those things and act out, but it's still time to get ready for bed. I'll say things like, "Okay you don't want to get your PJ's? Then I guess I'll get to pick them out!" and immediately she says, "NO!" and is charging to chose her PJ's (same with toothbrush/toothpaste).

Just some thoughts. It's so hard when they're on an extremely negative kick. She may need to do some things that increase her sense of power. Inviting her to participate/do stuff that she likes while you work, eg. working at the sink with the water just doing cutlery, or setting the table, or wiping down the table, or spraying glass cleaner and wiping the windows. This increases her sense of self-esteem and power, also you can say how helpful it is that's she's doing such and such.