Is it normal?

[jodieh68]

I previously posted a thread in about this problem in the family section but this is a different part of the problem. I have an eight year(soon to be 9) old stepdaughter who is extremely spoiled. Some of the things she does I am not sure if it is all just a part of being so spoiled or something else. She insists that she can't take bath on her own. Her grandmother has to give her a bath. She has to be served her food most of the time and she won't sleep in her own room or bed. After a battle to sleep in the bed with us, she finally will sleep in the lounge chair in the living room without a fuss. She also is very clingy to her dad or even me sometimes especially out public. Even in the movie theatre she has to be laying in her fathers lap. If my bf and I hold hands she will break our hands apart and hold hands with us between us. She sits between us at restaurants. I'm not sure if she is jealous of me or if she just feels like she is not getting enough attention. I have several people who have observed her say that her actions are not age appropriate. I don't know what to think at this point.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Well, I think all kids are jealous of parent to parent attention sometimes, so yeah, that part is normal. But normal does not mean that you have to just accept it.

Some things you mention I probably wouldn't worry about, like being clingy in public or not wanting to sleep in her bed (though I think its good not to have her in yours at this age).

Overall it sounds like perhaps a way to give her more one-on-one attention (especially from her dad) might be good -- but I don't knwo what you are doing now. If she isn't with you all the time, maybe allowing her to sit with her dad in restaurants, with you on the other side of the table, might be a good idea.

Things like breaking you apart I think I would probably not allow, though I would probably say having her hold one of her dad's hand and you holding the other one is an obvious solution.

When you say served her food, what do you mean? I plate things in the kitchen and put plates down in front of all of us. If I'm serving family style I frequently dish to the kid's plates because they can't manage the heavy bowls and serving at the same time. That seems normal to me. But if you mean that at 9 she won't get herself a snack, then I would say that is just being spoiled. Same with the bath thing -- there isn't any reason that a 9 YO can't bathe or shower on her own, though she might genuinely need help with her hair if it is really long or thick.

[jodieh68]

Thanks for your insight. To bit more clear about being served....she expects her father to fix a plate and bring it to her in the living room (because she refuses to eat at the table). I don't mind helping her cutting meat, spooning out and plating difficult things, ect. but I refuse to be her personal maid and that is what she expects.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by jodieh68

Thanks for your insight. To bit more clear about being served....she expects her father to fix a plate and bring it to her in the living room (because she refuses to eat at the table). I don't mind helping her cutting meat, spooning out and plating difficult things, ect. but I refuse to be her personal maid and that is what she expects.

Hm... I will say that there are definitely days when I will fix the kids a plate for lunch and deliver it to the family room as a special treat. But dinner is always eaten as a family at the table. Except maybe once a month when we have a family movie night and we all eat in the family room. On those nights I will fix everyone's plate and deliver to the family room. But then I generally fix everyone's plate and deliver to the dining room table anyway.

I would have a much harder time with "refuses to eat at the table" than I would about fixing her a plate. Provided, of course, that the request for a plate was made politely.

Take all together, it sounds like she is doing everything she can to take his attention from you and toward herself. If this is a recent family change I might have patience because it must be hard to adjust. If its been this way for a while (months, years) then I think I would start putting my foot down on some things.

[jodieh68]

It has been 2 years since her mom and dad split up and her dad and I have been together over a year. She does refuse to eat at the table and expects to be catered to. Most of the time she gets her plate and then says how she is not gonna eat that anyway and doesn't and then 20 minutes later she complains of being hungry and wants food that is not good for her or that comes from fast food places....perhaps that is more of my frustration than the making the plate thing.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Take all together, it sounds like she is doing everything she can to take his attention from you and toward herself. If this is a recent family change I might have patience because it must be hard to adjust. If its been this way for a while (months, years) then I think I would start putting my foot down on some things.

I agree. It's hard for a child to accept a step-parent for a while. I remember it being very hard for me to accept my stepmom. In fact took me several years to get used to the fact that my mom and dad were never going to be together again. However, I didn't react the way your DSD is. So I have no advice really. Just be there for her and hope that she will grow out of it. If you discipline her for every little thing then that could cause her to hold it against you as she gets older.

Originally Posted by jodieh68

It has been 2 years since her mom and dad split up and her dad and I have been together over a year. She does refuse to eat at the table and expects to be catered to. Most of the time she gets her plate and then says how she is not gonna eat that anyway and doesn't and then 20 minutes later she complains of being hungry and wants food that is not good for her or that comes from fast food places....perhaps that is more of my frustration than the making the plate thing.

this part sounds like she is just spoiled. It sounds like she has been catered to up until this point and expects it from everyone. I'd probably put my foot down and require her to sit at the table to eat meals and if she doesn't eat at the appropriate time then she has to go hungry. She will get the hint after a few times of going hungry and at her age it's not like she's going to starve. She's definitely old enough to know better. I have a 7 yr old that wouldn't pull that on me because she knows the rules by now.

You didn't mention how your DH feels about this behavior? Is he doing anything to try and stop her from behaving this way? My DH would definitely not tolerate it. The only time our kids eat outside the kitchen is lunch because we home school and that is one meal that I'm flexible on. They eat it where they want but it's usually still at the kitchen table. But breakfast and dinner have to be eaten at the table. Either way, it's your house, your rules need to be followed.

[jodieh68]

Thanks for your replies....my bf does not like her eating when and where she pleases but when he gets angry, she cries and curls up in ball on the chair until he feels bad and lets her get her way. She knows how to play him like fiddle but as I have read in many articles about extemely spoiled children... that is a big part of it. At first I thought She might have ADD because of the short attention span, but I don't think that is the case anymore.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by jodieh68

Thanks for your replies....my bf does not like her eating when and where she pleases but when he gets angry, she cries and curls up in ball on the chair until he feels bad and lets her get her way. She knows how to play him like fiddle but as I have read in many articles about extemely spoiled children... that is a big part of it. At first I thought She might have ADD because of the short attention span, but I don't think that is the case anymore.

Wait -- you said step daughter but not you are saying "BF", not "DH". You aren't married to this girl's father? That is going to severely limit your ability to do anything here. Does she live with you fulltime or only occassionally? Is her mother still in the picture? Unfortunately, all of the responses that I can think of would be inappropriate for a situation where you really don't have any authority.

[jodieh68]

No we are not married but have lived together for over a year. She lives with us full time and her mother sees her a few hours each Friday and sometimes on Saturdays. She doesn't go every weekend and very rarely spends the night just when she (the daughter) wants to. Her mom is not a bad person just has her priorities mixed up. I do realize that I have no authority to really do anything but sit back and watch...I am concerned for her and for her father that her behavior is not good for anyone. But when her behavior affects me directly I do try to encourage her to act differently. I do call her my stepdaughter even though she technically isn't. Makes things a bit more politically correct at school and other social functions. Perhaps that is wrong because a piece of paper is missing from our family unit but that is the choice we made.

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It's so hard, since she isn't your child, you can only suggest things to her dad.

She's behaving like a very jealous person. Of any age. She's just not handling it well in public. Unfortunately, this makes her look kind of bratty to others.

If her father is open to this, he could fix her a plate and leave it on the table. If she eats it, great! You'd really love to have her sit with you. But, if she refuses to leave the living room, and she's hungry later... Bummer for her! As my four year old daycare girl likes to say "Like or lump it, eat it or dump it". (she also says "sucks to be you", but we're working on that)

The jealousy behaviours, I think would be best to ignore it when possible. Go ahead and let it all be about her on her weekends. Hopefully you and her dad get a lot of one on one time without her. So, when she's there, let it be just them when possible.

Hang in there... I have seen this a lot.. and it does get better, but not for a while. I feel sorry for her, because I know what others think about her, and it makes it hard to REALLY enjoy her without trying hard.

ETA.. Ignore my thoughts about the weekends you have her... I just read that you have her all the time.

[chfriend]

I've read a couple of your threads on your "extremely spoiled" bf's daughter. Am I right in my impression that you have set your boundaries, but you object to the way your boyfriend and his daughter relate? That he's okay with how he interacts with her and she's okay with how she interacts with him?

I wonder if you've explored your own feelings of jealousy toward his close relationship with his daughter? Are you and your boyfriend planning to make a lifelong commitment at some point in the future? Are you wishing that you were higher on his list?

I wonder if you'd consider moving away from perceiving her as "spoiled." Sometimes just trying to see the situation from her perspective (rather than assuming that she is "playing [her father] like a fiddle") can be useful.

How would she describe your position in her life? Are you close? What have you done to help ease the adjustments of having another adult join her household? Your resentment of her is clear in your threads about her. Perhaps she resents you just as much?

[jodieh68]

Thanks...you seem like you really do understand what I am going through and her as well because no one likes her and they avoid her. That makes me feel so bad for her.

[jodieh68]

Originally Posted by chfriend

I've read a couple of your threads on your "extremely spoiled" bf's daughter. Am I right in my impression that you have set your boundaries, but you object to the way your boyfriend and his daughter relate? That he's okay with how he interacts with her and she's okay with how she interacts with him?

I wonder if you've explored your own feelings of jealousy toward his close relationship with his daughter? Are you and your boyfriend planning to make a lifelong commitment at some point in the future? Are you wishing that you were higher on his list?

I wonder if you'd consider moving away from perceiving her as "spoiled." Sometimes just trying to see the situation from her perspective (rather than assuming that she is "playing [her father] like a fiddle") can be useful.

How would she describe your position in her life? Are you close? What have you done to help ease the adjustments of having another adult join her household? Your resentment of her is clear in your threads about her. Perhaps she resents you just as much?

You seem as though you feel that I am the one with a problem and I guess youre right. I am very proud to be with someone who takes responsiblilty for his child. I encourage him to do things just him and her (father daughter days)because I thought that this might help things. So I wouldn't think that was jealousy of her. I love her very much but she is difficult sometimes and I was just looking to get some advice that might help with a situation that I am clueless because I have never encountered a challenge like this before.

I am sure youre right, she surely resents me. It is a hard adjustment with a new person moving in your home and taking a caregiver role and this person not being your mom. I don't resent her I just don't understand her. That is why I posted a question on this website to try and get some advice on how to deal with it from someone who has been there done that.

I'm fine with the way my relationship is. I am not number one on my bf's list. His daughter is and that is the way it should be. He told me from the git-go that she was number one. We do have plans for a longterm relationship. I do wish we had more mommy/daddy time but that is kinda out the window because we almost always have our kids.

I am not an evil stepmonster who is jealous of my bf's child. If that were the case I wouldn't be seeking advice on how to make things better. JMO