What do you do DURING a tantrum?

[MittensKittens]

I have been trying things to intercept tantrums before they are happening, which works sometimes. But I am also aware of the fact that my toddler just has to get her angry/ negative feelings out sometimes, and that tantrums serve a purpose. I am interested to hear what other mamas do while their child is in the midst of a tantrum, whether at home or in public. I am not necessarily looking for ideas on how to make it stop ASAP (though I wouldn't mind ), rather how to make my toddler feel loved and supported, and how to keep myself from getting annoyed.

[LilyGrace]

I make myself available. For some kids, I just sit on the floor with them. Others like to be held and cuddled. Getting down to their level seems to make a huge difference no matter what, though. When they've gotten calm enough I start in with some empathy and try to gauge their cues better - do they need to cry more, do they want distraction, relief..? Usually their body language tells what they need at that moment.

[Redheaded_Momma]

I don't think I'll be much help here but I'll try. My DS's tantrums are so different each time. Sometimes he wants me close by or in bed w/him other times he trys kicking and flailing around so I cannot be close to him. I usually offer words. "I know you are mad/upset/frustrated/sad about X so it's good you are expressing your feelings. Do you want Mommy to stay with you or give you time to be alone?"

Sometimes I HAVE to walk away to laugh or prevent myself from yelling at him.

[Shannie77]

DD is 26 months and usually I just have to leave her to let it out. I stay close and keep her safe. Often during the onset if I look at her or talk to her it gets her more mad. Once she has gotten the initial anger out I will offer hugs, or will commiserate with her. Sometimes just saying "wow that mad you feel really mad" will help snap her out, and she will be ready to talk about it and have a hug.

The cool thing is now that she is more verbal she will point out where she had a tantrum (a day or week later) and "talk" about it. I will say "ya you were really mad, and stuck your head under the chair" and she will laugh. Or she will reinact the tantrum (minus the anger).

[Ruthla]

I take a step back, mentally, so I can ride out the tantrum without getting sucked in. At home I'll often let the child thrash around on the floor and walk away. In public, I make sure the child is safe and stand close by- physically restraining the child if necessary to keep him or her from running off, otherwise just staying nearby until the child calms down enough to "act reasonably." Sometimes that meant they would sit nicely in the stroller but were too mad to want to be touched, sometimes they wanted to go into a soft carrier, and sometimes (especially if they were too big for the carrier and/or I was just to exhausted to wear a child while managing other kids/stuff I was carrying) I'll give the child a hug, maybe sit and cuddle for a few minutes, before we continued on our way.

I remember once sitting on the floor of the mall with DS while he had a tantrum because I wouldn't let him go down the escalator a 3rd time (it was time to go home and the escalator led into a store where we were NOT shopping.) I sat there holding him so he wouldn't run towards the escalator. He finally calmed down enough to nurse for a few minutes, and then he was ready to walk to the car nicely.

Once a tantrum starts, you just need to let the child express his or her frustration and do your best not to get into a negative mood yourself. It's best to keep yourself calm, so you're ready to comfort the child once he or she is ready to accept comfort.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I take a step back, mentally, so I can ride out the tantrum without getting sucked in.

<snip>

Once a tantrum starts, you just need to let the child express his or her frustration and do your best not to get into a negative mood yourself. It's best to keep yourself calm, so you're ready to comfort the child once he or she is ready to accept comfort.

That's what I do. Though, I will say that it's REALLY hard some days for me to keep myself calm. It has everything to do with my own level of tiredness and stress. That's why taking care of my needs is so important. If I don't, I simply compound the problem.

[Snuzzmom]

Try to move him someplace safe/ soft if I can, keep touching him if he'll let me at all, give him words for what he's feeling, be there while he cries.

Sometimes distraction works, but sometimes it just seems to piss him off even more.

[Mrsboyko]

See ,these methods are all well and good for the occasional tantrumer, but what do you do when your kids has one every 5 mins?

Seriously, we walk in the door from DC and she heads straight for the fridge. (BTW- I know she just had a snack 20 mins earlier so she isn't THAT hungry) I tell her dinner will be ready in 10 mins and she may not have an apple right now. She falls on the floor freaking out, kicking and flailing everywhere. She then decides she wants to play outside. Again, dinner will be ready in 5 mins, please go wash your hands and take off your shoes (or whatever). Again she falls on the floor screaming and freaking out. Dinner is ready so I ask her to get in her chair to eat. She does, but then I take a millisecond too long to put the plate in front of her and she is freaking out again so when the plate gets there she pushes it away or throws her cup (covered sippy thank goodness). WTF do you do with all that?

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

See ,these methods are all well and good for the occasional tantrumer, but what do you do when your kids has one every 5 mins?

Seriously, we walk in the door from DC and she heads straight for the fridge. (BTW- I know she just had a snack 20 mins earlier so she isn't THAT hungry) I tell her dinner will be ready in 10 mins and she may not have an apple right now. She falls on the floor freaking out, kicking and flailing everywhere. She then decides she wants to play outside. Again, dinner will be ready in 5 mins, please go wash your hands and take off your shoes (or whatever). Again she falls on the floor screaming and freaking out. Dinner is ready so I ask her to get in her chair to eat. She does, but then I take a millisecond too long to put the plate in front of her and she is freaking out again so when the plate gets there she pushes it away or throws her cup (covered sippy thank goodness). WTF do you do with all that?

It sounds to me like there are some underlying needs that aren't being addressed. Assuming "DC" in this context means "daycare", and that she hasn't seen you all day, she's probably overtired, hungry, and really, really misses you! Meanwhile, you're probably tired from a long day's work and have little patience for her.

If this is happening every night (or close to it), you may need a change in routine. Maybe give her a snack or a cup of milk in the car, then spend a few minutes snuggling together before having dinner?

And how do you know for sure that "she isn't THAT hungry" just because she had a snack 20 minutes before? If the snack was all carbs, she could very well be having a blood sugar crash after 20 minutes. If she didn't have enough to eat (because she was only offered a limited amount of food and/or a limited amount of time to eat), she might have still been hungry when she finished, and absolutely FAMISHED now. Waiting an extra 5 minutes could have truly been more than she could handle.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

See ,these methods are all well and good for the occasional tantrumer, but what do you do when your kids has one every 5 mins?

Seriously, we walk in the door from DC and she heads straight for the fridge. (BTW- I know she just had a snack 20 mins earlier so she isn't THAT hungry) I tell her dinner will be ready in 10 mins and she may not have an apple right now. She falls on the floor freaking out, kicking and flailing everywhere. She then decides she wants to play outside. Again, dinner will be ready in 5 mins, please go wash your hands and take off your shoes (or whatever). Again she falls on the floor screaming and freaking out. Dinner is ready so I ask her to get in her chair to eat. She does, but then I take a millisecond too long to put the plate in front of her and she is freaking out again so when the plate gets there she pushes it away or throws her cup (covered sippy thank goodness). WTF do you do with all that?

I change our coming home routine. Dh cooks dinner on days when I'm on campus til 5:30. That means we get home about 6ish. For a while, dinner would be ready the second I walked in the door. Great, right? Wrong. I needed a few minutes to go to the bathroom, change my clothes, read my mail and sort of veg out. So, after getting testy a couple of times I said "you know, I need a few minutes to gather myself before I sit down to dinner." That's what your dd is trying to tell you, only in a very 3 year old way.

My kids have been in daycare. They NEED a snack on the way home. They also NEED decompression time when they get home. And if I give them an apple on the way home, then I have time for the connection or whatever my kids want to do before dinner. Spending 30 minutes doing that makes a huge difference.

IMO, it's worth pushing dinner back, giving her an apple and going out in the backyard to play or going for a short walk before dinner. Our car ride home is about 20 minutes. I bring a piece of fruit for my kids and they eat it in the car on the way home. When we get home, they need a little time to decompress from the day, just like I do. Dd often watches TV. Ds, when he was in daycare, needed to go outside and play or play by himself. He spent a lot of time driving vehicles around during that 1/2 hour. Now when ds gets home from school, he goes out to the swing in the backyard, has a snack and then he's ready to face the world.

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

See ,these methods are all well and good for the occasional tantrumer, but what do you do when your kids has one every 5 mins?

Seriously, we walk in the door from DC and she heads straight for the fridge. (BTW- I know she just had a snack 20 mins earlier so she isn't THAT hungry) I tell her dinner will be ready in 10 mins and she may not have an apple right now. She falls on the floor freaking out, kicking and flailing everywhere. She then decides she wants to play outside. Again, dinner will be ready in 5 mins, please go wash your hands and take off your shoes (or whatever). Again she falls on the floor screaming and freaking out. Dinner is ready so I ask her to get in her chair to eat. She does, but then I take a millisecond too long to put the plate in front of her and she is freaking out again so when the plate gets there she pushes it away or throws her cup (covered sippy thank goodness). WTF do you do with all that?

If my kid wanted an apple, I honestly couldn't see myself picking a fight with her about it.

If she's that frustrated, maybe you can help by letting the little things go.

[webjefita]

Originally Posted by LilyGrace

I make myself available. For some kids, I just sit on the floor with them. Others like to be held and cuddled. Getting down to their level seems to make a huge difference no matter what, though. When they've gotten calm enough I start in with some empathy and try to gauge their cues better - do they need to cry more, do they want distraction, relief..? Usually their body language tells what they need at that moment.

Pretty much this. That's a good way to put it: I make myself available. I do look for clues as to the reason of the tantrum. And I do try to talk them through it. "It seems you're very tired. Let's sit and rock for awhile." or, "I know you really want that, but the answer is still no." With one of mine, I can talk to him this way during the tantrum. I think it's important to present a "wall of futility" when there actually is one and there actually are no viable alternatives, then let them cry through their feelings.

With my older one, whose tantrums I did not handle well when he was in that stage, I just have to stay close but not too close and he does not want me to talk or console, just be close, but he becomes very controlling and manipulative "stay here, no go away, no sit down, no carry me, no hold my hand" and on and on and I do my best to stay near and stay calm and not engage too much. If he tries to hit I intervene and hold his hands for a few seconds and then he screams bloody murder and that seems to help him get over it. At least that way (screaming) he doesn't hit.

[Mrsboyko]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

If this is happening every night (or close to it), you may need a change in routine. Maybe give her a snack or a cup of milk in the car, then spend a few minutes snuggling together before having dinner?

And how do you know for sure that "she isn't THAT hungry" just because she had a snack 20 minutes before? If the snack was all carbs, she could very well be having a blood sugar crash after 20 minutes. If she didn't have enough to eat (because she was only offered a limited amount of food and/or a limited amount of time to eat), she might have still been hungry when she finished, and absolutely FAMISHED now. Waiting an extra 5 minutes could have truly been more than she could handle.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I change our coming home routine. Dh cooks dinner on days when I'm on campus til 5:30. That means we get home about 6ish. For a while, dinner would be ready the second I walked in the door. Great, right? Wrong. I needed a few minutes to go to the bathroom, change my clothes, read my mail and sort of veg out. So, after getting testy a couple of times I said "you know, I need a few minutes to gather myself before I sit down to dinner." That's what your dd is trying to tell you, only in a very 3 year old way.

My kids have been in daycare. They NEED a snack on the way home. They also NEED decompression time when they get home. And if I give them an apple on the way home, then I have time for the connection or whatever my kids want to do before dinner. Spending 30 minutes doing that makes a huge difference.

IMO, it's worth pushing dinner back, giving her an apple and going out in the backyard to play or going for a short walk before dinner. Our car ride home is about 20 minutes. I bring a piece of fruit for my kids and they eat it in the car on the way home. When we get home, they need a little time to decompress from the day, just like I do.

Originally Posted by chfriend

If my kid wanted an apple, I honestly couldn't see myself picking a fight with her about it.

If she's that frustrated, maybe you can help by letting the little things go.

See, I knew I should have posted about this before (BTW- sorry for the thread hijack )

Our evening is much like Lynn said, I get home with the kids around 6 and DH usually cooks dinner and has it ready pretty soon after we are home. I don't want her to have a snack because then she won't eat her dinner, but that extra 10 mins wait just ruins the evening for her.

I am going to bring her a banana for the ride home today and see how it goes form there.

[kalisis]

I usually say things like, "Wow, you look really mad" or "Those are some big feelings you've got, aren't they." And then I let them tantrum away. It's not my job to stop them from expressing their feelings. They know that I'll be there when/if they want to talk it through, but honestly, sometimes I think they just need to throw a tantrum. I throw them sometimes myself, you know and it's better if I can just work through it, rather than have people try to appease me and make me feel better.

[MittensKittens]

Thanks for all the replies. Those things are my goal already, but I find myself getting frustrated at times, and instead of being there for her during a tantrum, I have to take myself to a parental time out to prevent yelling. I think some of the tantrums are caused by the fact my DD is still adjusting to sharing attention with her baby brother (six months now). She loves having her brother around, but hates I can't carry her so often anymore, that I am busy when she wants me... Any suggestions for that?

[ann_of_loxley]

I am just there for my son. Sometimes this means holding him or sometimes this means make sure he doesn't hurt himself (he went through a head banging phase) - but mostly it just means sitting there patiently - sometimes giving eye contact but mostly just letting him know I am here for him and I am listening and I love him uncondtionally. We ride out the storm. Afterwards, we can talk about it - the feeling, etc.

Not there yet...But I look after friends babies all the time - I am so broody (we have been trying for ages ) - So I have given it a lot of thought. My son doesn't seem to mind when I am holding a baby in a sling (hes not silly, he knows my arms/hands are still free to help him and hold him if needed! hehe) - It changes a bit more when you have a mobile baby though I imagine! I think its important then to make time for your older child. This may mean when the youngest is asleep or when daddy is home, etc (I think it can certainly mean less you-time but then there is only one of you and two of them - or more! hehe) - just squeeze it in. I nanny - so do get some experience with this ...I can see my sons behaviour change when he is feeling like he has not had enough of 'mummy time' - so I watch out for the signs and try and make sure we get some one on one time together. It certainly helps! - I imagine it will be the same when we finally have another little one to join our family! I feel glad he has a great relationship with Daddy and is happy to have some one on one time with him as well!

[nextcommercial]

I usually just ignore it... and make the occasional sympathetic sounds every now and then.

My own child HATED to be touched or spoken to during a tantrum... so we would just go watch TV or read a magazine until it was over, then she would sit with us.

[WinterStar]

Someone mentioned a wall of utility, and it definitely is necessary to be 100% clear about how you're reacting. Any hesitation or doubt and the child is aware of this and pushes against it. If I notice doubt in myself I quickly reconsider and make a clear decision one way or the other. If in doubt I always say yes.....the no can always come next time if necesary when I am clearer about my boundaries. A shaky and uncertain no is disastrous in my experience!

If the tantrum is about something that you simply cannot change, then taking yourself off to another activity can be helpful. Invite lo to join you, "I'm going to go and do some chopping now, shall I pull up a chair for you?"....or whatever - basically something that lo would normally like to join in with. Make it clear that they are more than welcome to join you, and then just happily get on ith it. This helps you to stay calm. It also provides a "way out" for the child. They can calm down in their own time, but they can see that there is a happy alternative waiting for them when they do.

It also makes it clear to them that life continues, their emotions haven't fazed you, you still want them in your world. It's not an active distraction, there's no cajoling or persuading, just giving them a happy alternative to come to when they are ready. I've really found this to be a very useful approach at times.

[happyhippy]

It was helpful for me to define a tantrum as a feeling instead of a behavior.
Tantrums would make me angry and all i could think of was wanting them to stop! They also trigger a bit of PTSD in me (the yelling) and i would freeze and not be able to parent very creatively during them due to the fear/trauma response. (Read: Id yell back "Stop that yelling!")

Now i look at tantrums as feelings that are being discharged and in need of help. Sometimes the help is in the moment and sometimes its later when we can talk about it and practice skills needed to express the feelings more appropriately.

I agree with pp's. I too need to step back and find my center before i get involved or i end up getting angry and want to punish the behavior.

[georgia]

Here's a great Mothering article on tantrums that I always find helpful

Crying for Connection