Is it me? Is it her? Is it normal and I just need to deal?

[amcal]

My 6 yo has always been very whiny. Exhaustingly whiny. The whining has now been partially replaced by complaining and tattling.

I can't take it anymore. It's to the point that I don't like to be around her a lot of the time.

She constantly tattles/complains that someone touched her, pushed her, ignored her, wouldn't play with her etc....

She tattles on her older sister constantly without ever giving the whole story - she never tells what she did, only what her sister did.

She complained the second I pick her up from any fun activity - she went to VBS, had a fabulous time but, instead of talking about that, the moment I pick her up she has to tell me about this kid who she felt was rude to her.

They played at the IKEA play center today and I checked on them a couple times - she's running around having a great time but, the second I pick her up, she starts acting like a whipped puppy telling me that someone ignored her in this sad, pitiful tone.

I try to ignore it. I try to get her to focus on the positive. I try to validate her feelings by acknowledging her feelings but then asking her about fun times she had, I try to acknoledge the event and brainstorm with her ways she could handle it if it happened again but, it doesn't work. She is a complete victim. Everyone is mean, everyone slights her, everyone hurts her and there is nothing she can do.

I can't take it anymore. But, I don't know what to do about it. Is this just normal kid behavior? Am I getting irritated for nothing? Is this concerning?

I just can't stand to see her act like a victim. I want her to be a strong, confident child who learns to deal with perceived slights, who can brush off the inconsequential things but, that's just not her and I don't know how to help her.

[Centura]

I can honestly start with, I have no idea how to handle it, but I too, would -really- want to know how... My husbands teenage daughter is and has been just like this her whole life, since childhood, and I agree that it is very frustrating and hard to cope with. Even more so in an older child where you can in a more complex way talk to her and she still do not "get it"...
The reason I would very much want to know what to do, is that my own 3 year old is starting to show the same tendencies.
The older daughter do not live with us so it is not an influence thing, obviously, its a personality trait. My husband also shows this same behaviour but being an adult, he can hide it better.
I really dont want our little girl to grow up to be the same way, I see what this teenage girl is missing out on, and what problems this is causing for her.
We also have a 4 year old daughter and she is not like this at all.

[anj7]

My 6.5 year old has just started this. We put her to bed early tonight because all she did today it seemed was whine, we figured she must be overtired. Or maybe it's a new phase. I'm relieved to see your post as it makes me think it might be more of a phase rather than some new character trait. I know at least one of her friend's moms have mentioned that her daughter has become somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster these days too.

Solutions, I don''t have as I'm in the same spot as you!

[pinksprklybarefoot]

My 6 yo DSD has always been this way, and we've been working on it a lot lately. She has always been a very "glass is half-empty" kind of girl.

One thing that seemed to work was telling her that when she only complains when we do fun things, then it makes us not want to take her to do them. We also praise her a lot when she remembers to say, "Thank you" or something positive about her experience. I know some MDCers don't do praise, but it has worked for us in this case.

If she gets in a complaining streak, we do sometimes tell her that we don't want to hear about it. Because, in all honesty, sometimes she complains just because she wants to complain. And we can only listen to it for so long. Validating her feelings usually doesn't work in these instances. And in all honestly, I think that the constant validating of her feelings when she was younger may have contributed to this.

WRT tattling, for the most part, I try to stay out of it unless someone is physically hurting or really taking advantage of the other. I just tell them to work it out between themselves (which is interesting considering the age difference between the kids - DS is 2 - but it works for the most part). So although I hear them get into disagreements, at this point she knows I probably won't step in.

[amcal]

Thank you for your thoughts!

This is where I'm really strugging. I just don't know how to handle it. I want her to feel like she can vent to me or tell me about things that hurt her feelings but the problem is that everything hurts her feelings. I don't want her to feel like she cant tell me things but, I don't know how to help her learn to just let minor things go and not focus on the negative so that when something really happens, we can talk about it.

Same with the tattling - it's so hard to know what to do. She tattles about things that really happen ie.....her sister kicked her. So, how much to you tell them to just figure out or how much do you intervene? Obviously, kicking someone is not acceptable but there was no blood drawn so, can't they just be encouraged to handle it?

[bl987ue]

Part of the problem is also her age. Six is a difficult age--they are really starting to get a feel for rules, and there is a lot of testing limits, drama, and acting out. Fortunately, it gets better when they turn seven.

[LynnS6]

My dd (5) does a lot of this too. Her saving grace is that she IS excited about things a lot too. But when she's perceived a slight, she has to get it out. I can't tell you the number of complaints I've fielded about the "bossy twins" at daycare. (They're perfectly fine children, BTW, they just have strong personalities too.) The good news for me is that we're usually driving when these come up, so there isn't anything I CAN do other than listen and make sympathetic noises.

Several random thoughts here. First, is she getting enough sleep? My dd is infinitely more tetchy when she's not had enough sleep, and things that she might have shrugged off, she can't.

Second, my dd is also highly sensitive, so any time she's overwhelmed (either overstimulated or overtired or over-anything), we tend to get this kind of behavior. The book "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron is a good one.

Could you set up a bedtime ritual of talking about the 'worst' and the 'best' thing that happened that day? Make sure the BEST comes last so you end the day on a positive note. You make sure that YOU tell your highlights and lowlights too, so she can get a sense that everyone has these things.

What about a journal for her to write her feelings in? I think it's perfectly acceptable to say after 10 minutes or so, "you sound like you still have strong feelings about this. Why don't you write about it/draw about it in your journal?" That will help teach her skills to move on.

My favorite book for sibling stuff is "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me." It makes the point that a lot of tattling is vying for mom's (or dad's) attention. If you take yourself out of the equation for all except violence (I include verbal violence here too, but he just talks about physical violence), it reduces the amount of time they spend bickering and whining to you. It's true. When I can do this, it works. Note however, that it wasn't until my kids were both over 4 that I could implement a lot of his suggestions.

Finally, how much one-on-one time does she get with you? When my kids get 30 minutes a day with me where THEY direct the play, we're all much happier. Two books that are good for discussing this: Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen (my all time favorite parenting book, I think), and the Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan. Currently, dd wants to spend lots of time playing "finger family" where she pretends that our fingers are members of a family. I find this game deadly boring (we spend a lot of time repeating her day, which frankly, isn't all that interesting!). But she needs it. So, I suck it up and do it. At least when ds plays bus (he drives the bus, I ride), I can bring a novel and read on the bus (though I missed my 'stop' yesterday because I was too busy reading!).

[proudmamanow]

Dd age 4 shows signs of being like this too and I totally sympathize. She is also highly sensitive, and anxious, and it seems to manifest by negative talk about other kids, especially ones that are not on her very short list of best friends. It`s all I hate so and so, so and so will get hit in the head --we always say it's okay to talk about how you feel but you can`t say I hate, or I will hit etc. And we also get a lot of I dìdn`t like this one tiny little thing even though you know overall she had a fantastic time.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. It is extremely frustrating, we are working a lot on it from a manners standpoint...i.e. you need to be polite in talking about others, you can tell us how you feel but you need to say thank you, no thank you (not that`s gross! or I hate that!). It feels like talking to a brick wall (albeit a very chatty one) alot of the time. I know it`s part of my own temperament that I don't take well to complaining etc, so I need to be careful too....

But of course she is also our sweet little girl who does delight in lots of things and can be a very caring big sister etc. Sigh. Lots of empathy here.

[SuburbanHippie]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Could you set up a bedtime ritual of talking about the 'worst' and the 'best' thing that happened that day?

We do the same thing for each of our kids. My DD (6 in 2 weeks) really needs this to get out her emotions so she can wind down. She does whine/tattle all the time during the day and I remind her that I only want to hear about it if someone is physically hurt or in immediate danger. If they aren't, then she can mentally file it for now and tell me about it later. She usually forgets the small stuff and only the major thing makes it to her "list."

It is such a tough age. My ODS is 10 and never had these issues, but my DD is draining me mentally and physically. I never thought this age was going to be this tough.

[yogabug]

I am right there with you but unfortunately do not have the answer. My dd has usually been my joy-cooperating, trying to help out, very loving and affectionate. Lately she has been in such a mood. She is mean to her brother, complaining constantly, pouty, not listening and saying she doesn't like things that she has always liked before. Basically just being very negative. I hate to respond with negativity myself but I have tried being nice and it isn't working. I went out of my way to set up playdates for her and do things that she likes because I understand it isn't easy having a 3 year old little brother. It seems like the nicer I am the worse they act. It makes me sad too because I am normally so connected with her. I hope someone out there has some insight. I have tried talking to her about it and she just says she is having a bad day.

[griffin2004]

It sounds like she's gotten herself into a deeply entrenched habit. Maybe it would help adjust her attitude to be in a position of giving rather than just receiving all the time.

You mentioned VBS. Are there activities at your church you could work on and have her help you? Like sorting clothes for the shelter or food for the food bank or prepping the lessons and materials for Sunday school?

I think that 5-6-7 y.o. range is a great time to turn a child's perspective out into the world. How other children in the world live (the good and the bad), how to feed a family on $1, picking up litter, using her money to buy a box of kittie treats to take to the animal shelter, etc. Specific things she can learn or do to ease her out of that "I'm the center of the universe and all must cater to me" perspective.

Plus, I'd either 1) ignore her and not respond at all when she's in that mode, or 2) tell her I don't want to hear about it. When she isn't in that mode, be fully attentive and engaged to whatever she's talking about. The negativity will get worse for a while, but will eventually extinguish itself.

[proudmamanow]

I wanted to add that what griffin said seems to be working for us. I actually asked dd last night if she is saying "I hate so and so" so much because it makes me & dp pay attention to what she is saying and she said yes. So I will now do my best to ignore it and direct to other topics. It`s hard though! She recently told me before bed, "I am the universe of the family" lol! By which she meant master of the universe of the family....
such a 4 yo perspective.