DP's mother says DP's father will have a stroke and die if we TTC...and she's not kidding.

[feministabarista]

:

New here, but I thought that I should post.
2 1/2 years ago I met DP. At the same time she was also in the process of coming out late in life, divorcing her ex-husband. DP is a mom to a child, age 8, from the marriage (we have her 60% of the time). Long story short of that is that her parents (who are in their mid 60s) blamed their heart attacks on DP's awakening. Not kidding. Even though we held off telling them about us for some time.

Her parents are very conservative and traditional in family values but have accepted (possibly tolerated) me at holiday meals and so forth. They still have a fabulous relationship with DP's ex husband and exalt his achievements, career, always asking about him, inviting him to holidays and events, etc....They act like they think DP and he are still married.

Where does that leave me? I do realize as a co-parent I do have to accept that some aspects of family life will be hard, but when it comes to me wanting to get pregnant in the near future--it is basically like this= If DP and I have a child it will give DP's pop a stroke and then DP's mom will be left to deal with it. She actually said this to DP, who thought her mom was kidding. But she wasn't, and then jokingly begged her "puh-leeeeze" not to have me get pregnant. Meanwhile, she worships DP's nephews (18 and 21) and had JUST been saying how pleased she was for DP's best friend (same age as DP) who just found great man and had a baby. Basically, she is very proud of how the best friend turned out, and then there's us...

So, in essence this woman is trying to strip me of my right to have a child with DP and in my eyes it seems like if I want a child I will have to do it on my own without DP or her child in my life.

It's really tearing me up and I know I should not let someone's opinion of me direct my actions, but...I love DP and DP's daughter. They are my life. I want to create life with them. and DP's daughter begs us to have a baby nearly every day!

She also says that it may be best for me to wait 10 or so years to have a baby. This partly due to our ages-myself, 25 -DP, 36 and the fact that in 10 years DP's father with be gone. If I let someone dictate when I have a child- the next thing I know it will be "wait 15 more years" "he's still alive." They also said in reference to the waiting 10 years that it would be fine for DP since she would be 46 and I would still be young enough to take care of the baby. Assuming that I would not be getting help from DP since we're just 2 women....Gah.

DP hasn't talked to her mother since this "episode" or shall I say outlandish request. She thinks her father would be okay with a baby. He was okay with us after a day or 2 to think.

Who in their right mind would see a beautiful baby and think anything negative??

At loss for words or feelings.

[wazzmum]

hi feministabarista,
your situation sounds really hurtful and frustrating. if you want to have a baby, it is your choice and if DP's parents can't accept it, then they probably won't see their grandchild very often. you can't let DPs mom/dad guilt you into waiting to make them happy, it doesn't sound like you would do that anyway. things take time with parents and now they are aware you want to have a baby so let them get familiar with the idea. when you become pregnant you can figure out when the best time to tell them is. her parents' heart attacks have nothing to do w/ her sexuality and any subsequent heart attacks won't be because of any baby announcement. don't get scared by this. it sounds like the parents are still having a hard time w/ DP's sexuality, esp if they are still putting her ex on a pedestal. it hurts to not feel approval from people, esp important people. but this is your life and her parents will come around, just give it time and don't expect them to be jumping for joy. i'm not sure how long it's been since DP talked to her mom - don't leave things unsettled for too long. be strong and confident in your decision to have a baby together. you may just not share that much about your pregnancy with DP's mom and that is her loss. once they get used to the idea, they may come around too, you never know. do what you want!!! keep us posted.

[milletpuff]

Two points to keep in mind as you go forward here:

1. You are in a relationship with your partner, not your partners mother. The decision to have kids (or not) is between you and your partner. Ultimately it's up to your partner to work out the parent aspect, although you can support her through that process. Her mother's aversion to you having kids is really between her and your partner. You also have to decide what *you* want, and then figure out how that fits with what your partner wants (or is comfortable with, given the parent situation), then see if those two are compatible.

2. Her parents heart attacks were not caused by The Gay. It is possible that the stress of The Gay contributed, but only because of her parents judgment, ignorance and close-mindedness. If your partners mom wants to avoid her husband having another incident, then the best thing that SHE can do (and your partner can support), is to work on acceptance, love and willingness. If they are UNWILLING to do that, they the repercussions that they experience based on someone else's choices are their own responsibility.

, that sounds like a really awful situation! if I sound cold and angry, it's cos I am -- not at either of you obviously, it just seems like such a childish, passive-aggressive, manipulative thing of your partners mom to do!! Gr!

[osker]

How frustrating! It sounds like a tough situation all the way around.
I agree with the things that the pp have said, and might add a bit.
You said that your DP thinks her dad would be okay with you having a baby, can she talk directly to him about it?
I have to say, if her mom is holding his health over her head, I would suggest DP going directly to him and saying "dad, we're not near even trying yet, but we're thinking about decisions to expand our family in the future and want you to be okay with the choices that we make. what would you think about the possibility of us having a baby together?" Of course, this leaves open the possibility that he may actually think it's horrible... and say so... but he's won't have a stroke because it's just a conversation, and when it actually does happen he won't have a stroke because it won't be anything new, you will have talked about it already!

I agree that it's between you and DP and her mother is not a part of it. Most of the time, when people bring an adorable snuggly baby around, those who had issue with it forget their problems and love that baby anyway!

[indigoscot]

oh i am so sorry you are going through this!! in our case, my parents (well, my mum) acted like she was cool with us having a commitment ceremony and having kids and then when i was pregnant and called to tell them the good news (they live in scotland) she said "well, i hope you're happy because i'm not" and handed the phone to my dad. since our son was born she has slowly come around and now actually talks about him on the phone with me and talks to him too. she still does not approve of our relationship however and thinks that children should have the mum/dad dynamic.

we just emailed mum and dad about dp being pregnant - i refused to have another awful telephone conversation with her - and already the tone of her emails to us has changed. i'm sure it will take her some time to get used to the idea of another baby. the saving grace is that we are thousands of miles away and don't have to deal with her on a daily basis.

if you really want to have a baby then discuss it with your dp and make sure you are both on the same page. i wouldn't wait 10 years - who knows what could happen in that time?

good luck!

g

[MeepyCat]

I think you should stop thinking of your DP's mom as being in her right mind. She's not. Everything she's said or suggested about you and your partner having a baby is ridiculous. I could break it down for you, but it seems like that would be giving it way more thought than it deserves.

And I think you should take what your partner tells you about her mom as a news report, not a statement about what the two of you should do next. Your DP needs to talk to someone about her mom being this kind of crazy, and she needs emotional support. Doesn't mean that she believes a thing her mom says, or is considering it as a factor in decision-making. If it's at all possible (and I understand that it's a major challenge), the best way to support her may be by *not* taking this stuff on emotionally yourself.

Or, possibly, take your emotions about this stuff (as opposed to your emotions about how this makes your partner feel) and vent about them on-line, so your DP won't feel like she's getting it from both sides.

[feministabarista]

Thanks for the support and all of the encouraging words.

I guess the hardest part is that I have moved 1500 miles away from anyone I am related to. Ex: Mom, Dad, sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Holidays are usually spent at DP's family's house. Where DP and I act friendly and far from romantic. I would say that they are somewhat accepting, but also have an underlying homophobic base. They tolerate.

The family celebrates birthdays each year of all members and as of last year they were still continuing to use the ceramic cake plate that had DP's ex's name inscribed in it.

One year we did choose to have our own Thanksgiving (which caused a ruckus)

I guess I could say that I got myself into this mess- knowing that I could be ostracized. But one can't help who they love.

I think some people are slow to warm up to anything that may challenge their "bubble." Being of a multiracial background and lesbian- I don't think that I even understand their issues that they have with this. I most certainly understand racism, sexism, and that most people are set to a heteronormative mindset. But for someone that you supposedly love?

Thanks again for the kind words.

I guess all I can do is take it one change at a time.

[hoping2bmoms]

I am so sorry that you have to go thru this people can be so hateful. My dps parents are "OK" with our decision for me to bring a child into our family. Not because they are realy okay with it but because DP didn't give them a choice to not be okay with it she just told them it was going to happen. If you and your dp are ok with ttc go for it they will come around or as another already said they will miss out on a beautiful gift. Go forth boldly into your future now and live each day as it were you last with no regrets.

[feministabarista]

[kalisis]

s to you. What an awful situation to find yourself in, but I think that standing up for yourself and your rights to do what you need/want to as AN ADULT are paramount here. There is probably some heavy self-examination needed - if you have a child with this woman, her family will be involved for the rest of your life. Are you willing to deal with that frustration forever? I'm not saying I have an opinion either way, but I think it's an important question to ask yourself.

[notjustmamie]

Wow. I'd have a really hard time not saying something rude in response, like, "Gee, we'll miss you, Pop."

I also feel the need to reiterate what PPs have said: it sounds like this is an issue DP needs to work out with her family separately from your own decision whether or not you two will have children.

Best wishes coming to the right decision for your family!

[crazyrunningmama]

Just wandered in, but that sounds crappy.

As an aside, we assume that we will be able to easily get pregnant whenever we want to, but the reality is that fertility decreases pretty rapidly after a certain age. You might think you can get pregnant at a certain time and then find it is too late. (Struggling with infertility myself - not fun). Good luck to you!