How do you handle tattling?

[amcal]

What are your rules with regards to tattling?

Are your kids allowed to come and tattle to you about everything? Are they only allowed to tattle if someone has actually been hurt or is in danger of being hurt?

How do you respond to tattling? Do you tell them to just work it out themselves? At what point do you step in?

We are having a huge problem with tattling in our family and I'm just not sure how to handle it. I want my kids to feel like they can come and talk to me if they feel they've been hurt or if they're upset about something but, I also want to them to learn to figure out how to resolve conflicts on their own.

[Teensy]

I try to make the kids understand the difference between telling to keep a sibling out of trouble/harm/danger (J's on the roof) and telling to get a sibling in trouble (J's eating a cookie). I want to know about the first. I am not interested in hearing about the second. The first I do take action, the second I just tell the tattle-teller that I don't want to hear tattle-telling.

Of course there is a huge grey area in between when the children's actions are affecting each other (J hid the TV remote, J dumped the legos and K'nex all over the playroom, J took my stuffed animal) and this I don't have a consistant answer for.

[LynnS6]

The basic question I ask my kids is "Are you telling me this to get someone in trouble or out of trouble?" If you're telling me to get someone out of trouble, I'm all ears. If you're telling me to get someone in trouble, I'll reflect your feelings back to you "You sound really mad that T knocked over your tower."

Now that my kids are older and better able to understand, I have begun to ask whether they want me just to listen or whether they want help solving the problem. But, I make it clear that the problem is between the two kids, not me.

And honestly, sometimes I just send them to play alone because I can't stand the complaints. (Note: it's my dd who does the tattling/complaining 95% of the time. She's just that kind of kid.)

[wemoon]

I don't think of telling to keep someone from getting hurt as tattling. This is watching out for one another, so I usually show gratitude for the child who came to me to keep the other one safe.

Tattling... I essentially tell them that I am not going to do anything about it, so it isn't worth your time. Sometimes, when the tattling is just out of control, I dig into it a little and it turns out that both did something wrong, so they both get sent to their rooms. That shows the tattler that sometimes it is just better to deal with it on their own.

[Juuulie]

I agree with the PPs. Whether or not it's "tattling" depends on the child's reason for telling. If they are telling for the purpose of getting the other child in trouble, that's tattling and I don't want to hear it! OTOH, if they are telling because someone is hurt, or about to get hurt, or because the child needs your help to resolve a conflict, it's not tattling.

Originally Posted by Teensy

Of course there is a huge grey area in between when the children's actions are affecting each other (J hid the TV remote, J dumped the legos and K'nex all over the playroom, J took my stuffed animal) and this I don't have a consistant answer for.

I know what you mean! But I think even in those kinds of situations, you can still look at the child's intent. Is she telling you that J took her stuffed animal because she wants your help to get it back, or is she telling you because she wants J to get in trouble?

[faythe]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

The basic question I ask my kids is "Are you telling me this to get someone in trouble or out of trouble?" If you're telling me to get someone out of trouble, I'm all ears. If you're telling me to get someone in trouble, I'll reflect your feelings back to you "You sound really mad that T knocked over your tower."

Now that my kids are older and better able to understand, I have begun to ask whether they want me just to listen or whether they want help solving the problem. But, I make it clear that the problem is between the two kids, not me.

And honestly, sometimes I just send them to play alone because I can't stand the complaints. (Note: it's my dd who does the tattling/complaining 95% of the time. She's just that kind of kid.)

I do the same thing and it works pretty well! My youngest just turned 5 and she occasionally needs a little extra prompting of "do you want to share the trouble?" to help her see the difference.

I also don't listen to any complaint that begins with "She made me..." I make them rephrase it in a way that doesn't try to lay blame on a sister. Usually something like "she made me fall and hurt my leg!" gets reworked as "I hurt my leg on the pony statue that was left on the floor".

Dealing with this is definitely a work in progress!

[eirual]

Just from a weekend at the cottage where all of my neices and nephews were there along with my DS, I say there's a lot to be said for letting them know that they need to handle that situation themselves (when appropriate). There was soooo much "so and so did whatever" as a 1st step when conflict arose and so many parents are so quick to intervene right then. When I started saying that they'll have to talk with that person, they usually did just that and sorted it out between themselves and moved on.

It was interesting that my grandparents realised from watching from afar that one of them would initiate the conflict, then tattle, which resulted in that child getting in trouble. Their motivation in the matter is a big factor. I really like what previous posters have said about whether they're telling to get the other "in" or "out" of trouble, that's a fantastic question to ask oneself.