my 4yo ignores me

[klt]

Sorry if I am repeating a problem with 4yo, I am sure this has come up before. But I am having a problem with my 4yo ignoring my requests.....sometimes. Not always, he does "give in" at some point, or we can negotiate some things. I am concerned with my tactics however. Like having to negotiate in the first place. It gets really drawn out sometimes. Or I find myself withholding something to "punish" him if he doesn't do "it." Like, no more toys if you can't get dressed. He is also starting to yell really loudly "I am talking first" if I keep asking for him to do something. And it's over typical things like: we have to get dressed so to go to school. Or brush teeth. He will keep doing whatever he is doing, not talk to me, not look at me, or will blow up in a loud voice like I am super mean or something.

Anyway. I am at a loss. I don't like playing the game of negotiating. And it seems silly to threaten him "no more dvds" if it immediately shakes him from his ignorance. I know I shouldn't threaten if it is not carried through also.

Like I said, he is a great kid and this is our first snag. We do a lot together as I am a single mom and he is doing really well socially and in school.

This is newish--but has been going on this summer where I feel like we need to be on better grounds. I do feel, even though he is 4, that he should know certain routines. And I also feel that he should listen to his mom, or other adults, and communicate rather than yell. I am flexible (obviously, I negotiate probably too much) and am all into non-violent communication But....I need some help.

What has worked with your 4 yo.? Is this a stage

[zeldamomma]

Things that have worked for my kids.

1. Get down on his level, look him in the eye and tell him it's time for him to stop doing X and start doing Y.
2. Make predictions, not requests, for example "After we pick up these toys, we'll eat lunch" not "Will you please pick up your toys, so we can eat lunch?"
3. Make sure I'm treating the things I'm asking him to do as important, not just barking out commands and then checking out (this is something I struggle with-- you may not).

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Things that have worked for my kids.

1. Get down on his level, look him in the eye and tell him it's time for him to stop doing X and start doing Y.
2. Make predictions, not requests, for example "After we pick up these toys, we'll eat lunch" not "Will you please pick up your toys, so we can eat lunch?"
3. Make sure I'm treating the things I'm asking him to do as important, not just barking out commands and then checking out (this is something I struggle with-- you may not).

Great post.

I would just like to chime in that I think it is a phase, and tends to be at its worst around 4.5 (the half years are supposed to be periods of "disequilibrium" and this does seem to be true for many children).

My DD right now is needing more time to process the request or make the transition. I often get annoyed, thinking she is deliberately ignoring me, only to have her say, 3-4 minutes later, "I'm ready now." It helps me if I slow down, patiently help her stay on track, and not feel rushed myself.

Modulating voice tone seems to be a Great Four Year Old Experiment, as well as experimenting with varying ways to ask for what they want. If I can step back, I can sort of see it as amusing. For example,

DD: "I DEMAND that you get me some tea right now!"
Me: "I think you meant to ask me nicely. Could you try again?"
DD: "I DEMAND that you get me some tea right now, please."

She just doesn't get that the words sound ruder than she means, or which of the words are rudest, and how to ask nicely.

Getting ready for anything in the morning is just difficult for 4 years olds. Don't really know why. I usually end up telling DD (nicely, not meant as a threat, but as a real choice) "We need to get into the car. Do you want to put your clothes on yourself or would you like my help?" If after 3-4 minutes we're not making any progress, I'll get firmer: "Looks like you need my help" and help her. While I'm helping her, I might say, "After we get dressed, we'll get into the car. Is there anything you'd like to take with you in the car today?" or something to help her move forward and not resist my help.