training your young child to do housework

[ScarletBegonias]

i'm not sure where to start, so if my post is scattered, please bear with me!

i believe that my children should learn housework and garden work at an early age and be contributing to the household. i also believe not teaching them these things contributes to laziness, whining and entitlement.

i have ocd and cannot relinquish control of the housework. i am germ phobic and although we have a small house/household, i do many more chores than families with huge houses and many more children. for example, i wash about 60 loads of laundry per week for our family of 4. not because it's actually dirty, but because if it falls on the floor or comes out of the drawer, it needs to be rewashed. i vacuum/sweep/mop the floors 3+ times per day.

i am working at changing this neurotic behavior, but the most difficult aspect is "allowing" the kids (3 and 1) to learn the housework.

in our culture it seems to me that most children do no chores. from what i've read, not that long ago in our country, children as young as 2 washed dishes, clothes etc.,.

i am having huge issues with my kids having no responsibilities, talking back (3 yo dd), being generally whiny and spoiled. again, all these "undesireable" traits are dh and i's fault as parents.

i know 3 yo dd is perfectly capable of putting away dishes/clothes, taking care of the cats, dusting, picking up toys/books etc.,.

the biggest problem is, we don't "make" her/haven't trained her to do these things yet. we feel like failures. trying to get her to do anything she's not interested in is a battle. it's not worth my mental stress. she is high needs and highly sensitive.

but it's hard on me because i believe that children should work around the house. i just don't know how to go about it, because, honestly, i didn't have any real chores as a younger child (except cleaning my room) until i was 11 and my parents split up. then i did EVERYTHING. cleaning, cooking, taking care of a baby, shopping for food/cleaning supplies, keeping track of what our household needed.

so my question is, how and when do *you* train your children to do housework/yardwork?

[Slabobbin]

From one OCD person to another - you are going to *have* to get a handle on that stuff or it is going to spill over onto your kids. They already stand a good chance of being neurotic simply from genetics but to witness that type of behavior really plays a toll on them. I know this because my eight year old has the tendencies. I'm not sure how much of it is genetic and how much of it came from watching me. It isn't healthy though, not by any stretch of the imagination. It is easy to kind of gloss over it when you are living it but when you look at it from an outside perspective, it is way over the top. I know how difficult it can be and I'm not 100% yet but I have gotten better and it can be done.

That said, I have found the best way to teach them to do house work is to include them with whatever you are doing, when they are little. Then when they get older they will already know how to do the work and you can say "Okay, X,Y and Z is going to be your job from now on".

[alegna]

Wow. I think you need to get a handle on your issues before you can be a good teacher for them on the subject.

Good starting places for little ones, IME, include- helping with folding- washcloths or wipes that only need to be folded twice- in half, laying panties in a pile all facing the same way, wiping off a child-sized table, putting away silverware, putting away 1 or two toys at a time (or 1 or two catagories- the blocks and the cars)

good luck!

-Angela

[mamazee]

IMO you need to relax a bit as far as your expectations go. 3-year-olds talk back, and it isn't anyone's fault. They learn language before they learn social skills like being polite. The 3-year-old will pick up on politeness if it's expected and used around/with her.

Second, you need to get some level of control of this or you're going to pass the OCD onto them, or at least don't pass those expectations onto them. A 1-year-old needs no responsibilities, and a 3-year-old needs very few. You can have the three-year-old match socks and that kind of thing, but if you're that anxious about cleaning she'll pick up on it and it'll either make her equally anxious, or completely rebellious and turn her into the opposite.

[flapjack]

Stop. Breathe. My 10yo and 8yo do housework. My 1yo will join in the game of "putting the toys in the toy box" and can then be distracted onto the next thing before he starts on the even better game of "turning the toybox upside down so the toys are on the floor." My 3yo is stuck in an awkward state of half baby, half big girl and does not want to help about the house at all. And you know what? She'll grow out of it.

Jobs that my 3yo does enjoy: cleaning windows, wiping down woodwork, anything involving a squirty bottle, drying dishes, washing dishes (but she's really bad at it and we don't let her do it. Drying is terrifying.) feeding the dog, watering plants. The stuff that she could, maybe should be doing, like putting her own stuff away, not so much. It's just not fun enough.

And yes, my 3yo is also very rude. She'll grow out of it. When she loses her nice voice, though, she gets to go and think about things until she finds it again.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias

in our culture it seems to me that most children do no chores. from what i've read, not that long ago in our country, children as young as 2 washed dishes, clothes etc.,.

I was raised in that culture.

DH and I have struggled with the backlash from that culture, from having to learn to shift our priorities in order to take care of ourselves. Depression, anxiety, and rigid thinking are just a few of the issues we deal with now. Our parents kept perfect houses. We dusted, vaccuumed, washed dishes, took out the trash, did all the yard work, made our beds every day, and kept the house tidy starting at very young ages.

We have new house rules, now, that we struggle to keep. Its amazingly difficult to overcome what has been ingrained since childhood. But they seem to be essential to overcoming depression and rigidity.

Rule Number One: Creative projects come before housework. Hard rule to follow, honoring our creative selves and disregarding, or delaying, what our culture has said is important. But critical for us to on-going mental health.

Rule Number Two: Playing with our child comes before housework. Unless the child wants to do housework, then we do it together, for as long as its fun.

Rule Number Three: There is no such thing as laziness or spoiling. Underneath behaviors that might look lazy or spoiled are needs that are being neglected. Everyone wants a neat and tidy house. So if the house isn't neat and tidy, and there aren't creative projects going on at the moment, something is not quite right, and its not laziness or entitlement issues, and it doesn't require a stern kick in the pants.

One book I read as a teen that really had an impact on me was "The Children on the Hill" http://www.amazon.com/Children-Hill-...8038990&sr=8-1

Our house is reasonably clean (not a health hazard, anyway); our beds are usually unmade, for example, and our priorities are creativity, mental health, and following one's happiness. Its quite a battle to constantly come up against our own culture which prioritizes otherwise.

[HappyMommy2]

My kids put away their toys ... but for now it is often because they want to do or play with something else, and we say that is a pre-requisite. For the most part, though, I think you have to make it fun.

My 3.9 yo is our "upstairs trash guy". On tuesdays, he gets to dump all the little trash barrels into the big one. Dumping is fun!

He takes turns with the 1.10 yo putting soap in the washer. It is fun to dig out a half cup and dump it in.

Watering outdoor plants is a great one. I had the 3yo get his kid scissors and help me cut the deadheads off the flowers.

3 yo can put his clothes in the hamper after getting naked before bed/bath. He has just started wanting to help fold the towels. He started with his pillowcase with cars on it. And he gets bored quickly.

Cooking is a great one! Of course, learning to wash hands first, but dumping ingredients is a good "job". For example, I will pour the rice into the measuring cup, and they will pour it in the pan.

Good luck mama!

[ScarletBegonias]

thank you very much for the suggestions and keep them coming!!!

i should add a few bits of info:

both dh and i are ocd, this is something we work on and continue to work on. dd has shown signs of ocd from an eraly age.

although i am crazy about the house being clean, it is usually a COMPLETE disaster. not dirty, but projects EVERYWHERE. i sew, garden, paint, crochet and knit, read lots and cook/bake lots. i have insomnia and so does dh. i usually stay up most the night cleaning after the days' activities.

dh is disabled and so our whole family is home all the time. we spend almost the whole day playing and doing art projects.

we do not have any sort of schedule and we live with the seasons as much as we can.

dd draws, colors, paints, cuts paper, builds rock houses, digs, plays in the water and dirt, cooks with me and we read books constantly also. we sing and dance and do yoga. we do virtually every activity together.

we have LOTS of fun, but our values are such that we want our children to know how to do basic household/garden work. we always nurture creativity and fun, but i guess we are old-fashioned in that there needs to be *some* level of responsibility, reality and understanding of the way the world works. even at a young age.

maybe my expectations are too high, but it kills me to live in a world where a 3 year old child in africa is caring for a younger sibling and fetching water, cooking and working, when in our culture children play all day, speak rudely and do not appreciate ANYTHING. i do not want my children growing up how the typical american child is raised. i do not believe it is healthy or natural. honestly, it disgusts me. i don't mean to offend. it's only how *i* feel.

i suppose i'm at a loss on how to implement my values without squashing creativity and being a dictator. i certainly don't expect the kids to work all day or anything like that. i just want to keep doing most things together, *including* housework/yardwork while accomplishing essential tasks AND teaching life skills while having fun.

hope that made some sense.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias

i suppose i'm at a loss on how to implement my values without squashing creativity and being a dictator. i certainly don't expect the kids to work all day or anything like that. i just want to keep doing most things together, *including* housework/yardwork while accomplishing essential tasks AND teaching life skills while having fun.

hope that made some sense.

The easiest way is to just live your life. Look for ways for your child to work beside you with whatever you're doing.

-Angela

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias

dd draws, colors, paints, cuts paper, builds rock houses, digs, plays in the water and dirt, cooks with me and we read books constantly also. we sing and dance and do yoga. we do virtually every activity together

...

i do not want my children growing up how the typical american child is raised. i do not believe it is healthy or natural. honestly, it disgusts me. i don't mean to offend. it's only how *i* feel.

I think you are already so far away from the way the typical american child is raised that you needn't worry.

The typical American child is spanked and punished, is subject to many arbitrary and non-child-friendly rules and regulations, and doesn't spend a whole lot of time with the parents, who are generally tired after work and need the children to play by themselves. The parents basically step in when there is a problem, and most interactions between parents and typical American children are corrective, with little time given to attachments.

I would like to challenge your assumption that playing all day and not being expected to contribute to the family's chores equals laziness, entitlement issues, rudeness, and being whiny and "spoiled." I respectfully disagree. Those negative traits are more likely to come about as a result of not having attentive, caring, attached parents. Well, except for "whiny," which is a 3-6 year old thing.

In childhood, there doesn't have to be the same division between work and play that we adults make. In fact, if you can find a way to make "work" fun, it is far more likely to stick into adulthood than if its seen as drudgery.

Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias

i suppose i'm at a loss on how to implement my values without squashing creativity and being a dictator. i certainly don't expect the kids to work all day or anything like that. i just want to keep doing most things together, *including* housework/yardwork while accomplishing essential tasks AND teaching life skills while having fun.

That's exactly what I want for my family, too. Even if the house isn't always perfect, and we often prioritize play and creativity, I still want DD to have the skills to keep her own space clean and tidy, so that she will know how to do so if that is something she values.

I don't have many answers and I think accomplishing essential tasks and teaching life skills while having fun is something most of us non-mainstream parents struggle with.

One concept that has been helpful to us is the "clean canvas." It is satisfying, when beginning a new project, to have the workspace clean and tidy and ready for our project. DD is motivated to help clean up (she loves to spray down the table and wipe it clean, and will put things away if given a little help) if she knows we are creating a clean canvas and soon we will be doing something there. In order to bake muffins, for example, its so much nicer to have the dishes done and put away, and the counters clear. Then we can bake! And while the muffins are baking, we can clean up our dishes because we'd love to have a nice space to put our freshly-baked treats.

For my DD, it is helpful for me to remember that we are each on our own timetable. There are times when I feel like cleaning and she doesn't. Trying again later can bring different results. I need to remind myself to be flexible. Even when she is willing to help, I can still expect to have to do 60 to 90% of the work myself, and since my need to have things tidy is greater than hers, this is okay with me.

I really like some of the Montessori activities that teach cleaning. Take a look at some of these cleaning activities: http://www.montessoriservices.com/st...h=4423_108_217 They are broken down into steps for the child, and the child usually greatly enjoys the activity.

For example, there is an activity for mopping the floor, broken down into steps. First the child fills the bucket. Then adds soap. Then dips the mop in. Squeezes out excess water. Mops a small space. Etc. I suspect that you and your child would have a wonderful time together doing these cleaning activities, and I think that your child might even take ownership of that activity ("its MY job to wash the windows!").

I respect the child's desire to play all the time. After all, all young mammals play every second they are awake (unless they are eating or sick). Its hardwired, and seems to be essential to their development. There doesn't have to be a division between what is play and what is work, at least not while so young.

[princesslooney]

There was a study on the internet a ways back that showed that young children are hardwired to help out, and when a scientist pretended to be helpless, the children stepped in. However, when the scientist acted capable of doing the chores himself, the children ignored him. Due to DD's actions in the past, I think they might be onto something. I've found that if I seem to be too stressed out or rushing a lot, she starts cleaning a table, sorting the laundry, or picking up clutter. However, if I'm doing my one chore at a time thing and buzzing along, she totally ignores what I'm trying to do and actually hinders. And when it comes to needing it just right, I have a tendency to sneak back when she's left the room and go over it myself if it isn't up to par. That way, she is happy she helped and will help again, and my mind is at ease that it's right, with no real time lost. This is of course assuming she hasn't decided that the bottle of soap from the bathroom makes the perfect carpet cleaner. I *usually* catch that one and put a stop to it.

[ScarletBegonias]

BellinghamCrunchie - thank you for your post, i feel like you really got what i was trying (unsuccesfully) to say. :

i appreciate your suggestions and the link was really neat. thanks!

i find the clean canvas something that i have always done, even as a child. dd does it in her own way too. she just uses her arm to swipe the area.

Originally Posted by princesslooney

There was a study on the internet a ways back that showed that young children are hardwired to help out, and when a scientist pretended to be helpless, the children stepped in. However, when the scientist acted capable of doing the chores himself, the children ignored him. Due to DD's actions in the past, I think they might be onto something. I've found that if I seem to be too stressed out or rushing a lot, she starts cleaning a table, sorting the laundry, or picking up clutter. However, if I'm doing my one chore at a time thing and buzzing along, she totally ignores what I'm trying to do and actually hinders. And when it comes to needing it just right, I have a tendency to sneak back when she's left the room and go over it myself if it isn't up to par. That way, she is happy she helped and will help again, and my mind is at ease that it's right, with no real time lost. This is of course assuming she hasn't decided that the bottle of soap from the bathroom makes the perfect carpet cleaner. I *usually* catch that one and put a stop to it.

interesting study! makes sense to me though!

soap is the *best* carpet cleaner

[Surfacing]

[NiteNicole]

My daughter is four and while she doesn't have chores she does unsupervised (I find that telling her something like "go clean your room" or "pick up your toys" leaves her just kind of spinning in circles, whereas if I say let's pick up the toys and then direct her, she does fine) but she does help out quite a lot. Of course, at four the "help" tends to be slower and less thorough than if I just did it myself but I want her to feel confident that she can do things and know that everyone who lives in this house helps.

I've been doing this with her since she could walk and it takes longer (way longer) to let the one year old carry some of the towels and you may have to refold them. It takes longer to let the two year old put away the cutlery (one spoon at a time), but at least they get the idea that the house doesn't clean itself. She puts her own clothes in her hamper and brings it to the laundry room when I tell her (it's on wheels, which helps). She can help me sort and put into the machines. She can sort of help fold (as someone else said, washcloths and panties). This mostly involves her tailing me all day and just doing what I do.

I would warn you not to get too invested in expecting your three year old to do much unprompted or very thoroughly. Your expectations seem awfully high - it is not all or nothing. A three year old who isn't helping with housework is not going to turn into a 25 year old who sleeps all day and won't get a job and can't do her own laundry

[maddymama]

Haven't read all the replies.....
http://www.housefairy.org/
This is a great way to encourage your child to help out around the house and learn to do their chores in a cheerful, not domineering way. It's basically positive reinforcement for a job well done.
The best part is is that it actually helps my DH to help out around the house, bc HE wants to earn a reward.

[puddle]

I agree with what everyone else has said.
My DD is almost 3, and loves to "help." The helping makes everything take a lot longer and tends to be more work than if I did things myself, but I think it's worth it to let her. The one suggestion I'll add that I haven't seen specifically mentioned is to get your kids their own tools that are child-sized. My DD has a functional child's broom and mop, for example, and loves to use them. In fact, when she spills crumbs all over the floor, a lot of times she'll run to grab her broom to sweep up the mess. She's not a good sweeper and I have to redo it myself later, but she gets the idea of cleaning up her mess. She also loves squirt bottles and toilet brushes. She can almost clean the toilet herself! (Although she usually ends up splashing water on the floor that I have to clean up.) She helps dust and carry towels to put away, and when I do her laundry, I give her the folded piles of clothes to put away in her drawers one at a time. She loves to help me cook, especially when she gets to wear her "kitchen costume"--an apron and goofy paper chef's hat. She helps put dishes away, especially when I ask her if she can come help me. She helps pick up toys and clothes. She doesn't have any responsibilities that she has to do all by herself--right now she's just my helper. As she gets older and more capable, we'll adjust.
My DH and I have always tended to divide chores according to the things we individually prefer, so I don't have a problem with my kid doing the same right now. She helps me by doing the things she prefers to do for as long as her attention span allows.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Ds is 2.5 and helps out around the house. I find that child sized implements help a lot. So we have kid sized broom, kid sized shovel, hoe and rake for outside, I took the middle two pieces out of the swiffer handle so now that is kid sized.

Garden work is the easiest to get him to do because its fun! You did in the dirt, you pull things out (with close supervision!) and you get to spray water! How could you stop a kid from doing that?

[LynnS6]

If you can get a handle on the OCD stuff, then I think having your kids work with you is a great idea.

Our kids are 5 and 8 (soon to be 6 and 9). For the last 2 years, we have 'chore time' right after dinner. I write chores on craft sticks (popsicle sticks) and sort the ones that need to be done into a bag. They pull out a chore and do it. Other methods work too, but this one is good for us.

Some are very specific and can easily be done by a young child, e.g., "Pick up 10 toys in the living room" or "Put away everything on the couch". Others are more complicated and require some parental help, e.g., "Start a load of laundry" or "Mop the dining room floor" or "Clean the sinks in the bathroom". But, our 8 year old is now capable of getting a laundry basket, determining what laundry needs to be most done, sorting it, bringing the laundry downstairs, putting the soap in, turning it on (he's only been tall enough for than in the last 6 months) and putting the clothes in. We (the parents) usually then take care of transferring it to the dryer, but that's more because chore time is over. As he gets older, he will do that too.

When teaching kids to do chores a couple of things are important:
1. Break it down into very manageable steps. Our kids now know that to vacuum the carpet, you need to pick up everything on the floor first. When they first started, they didn't, so we broke those steps down. When they learn to clean sinks, they needed to be taught how to squeeze out a rag, how to turn the rag over and use both sides, how to rinse it out, and start again.

2. Work with them. For a 1 and 3 year old, you're going to have to be right next to them directing them 99% of the time. You may have to give your 1 year old a toy to put away and walk with him to the toy bin.

3. Keep your expectations low. Let's face it, a floor mopped by a 5 year old isn't that clean. They miss the corners. They forget to rinse out the mop until reminded. Or, they forget to squeeze out the mop and so you get a lot of water on the floor. So, I'll often do it with them and show them the steps or the areas that I'm getting that they missed. But sometimes, it's more efficient for me to do other things and accept a mostly clean sink. Our son is old enough now that he can do a decent job with some reminders.

I suspect keeping your expectations low is going to be the hardest part for you. You can't go back and redo what they've done or they'll just quit trying.

[Mosaic]

Really? We need to "teach" kids to do "chores"?

I haven't "trained" my DD to do anything, but she cleans up her dinner plates, helps fold and put away laundry, feeds the cat, cleans up toys, etc. She's not a miracle kid and I'm not a perfect parent: she just wants to help, and if I don't let her "help" then I can't get anything done because then she wants my attention some other way.

1) Model the behavior. I didn't teach her or train her to put things away; I just do it myself and she likes to copy us and be a "big girl". I do ask her to do things from time to time, but she's always eager to do it, even when I'm way less eager to have her do it (because no, it's not always done very well, but at least I didn't have to do it)!

2) "chores" don't have to be boring or geared at making kids "work" and feel less entitled. Right now we're just giving her tasks to do, which lets us spend more quality time together AND she still thinks they are fun. And I admit, I don't make her fold shirts that are twice her size; but a stack of messily-folded washclothes sitting in my closet makes me smile because she did it herself and she's proud of it. As she grows older, hopefully doing these little things will become second nature, and we will have already established that this family is a team!

ETA: my DD is 3, btw. So you never know, I might be eating these words in 4 years, or 10, or 15...

[One_Girl]

Kids this age sometimes whine and they don't often understand why you can buy whatever you want at the store and they can't. They also tend to stand up for what they want and their opinions especially when faced with unrealistic expecatations or expectations that are too stressful. They are still little and not at the age where they can do much beyond helping you do little things that you will have to secretly go back over again.

I think you need to try to find someone to help you manage your OCD so your dislike of any mess at all doesn't cause you to continue to view your child as whiny and spoiled. Reading about child development may also help you know what to expect her to be able to do and what to leave off on. If it is presented as a stressful thing she may pull back from being willing to do it or she may just not be able to do it because the worry about your reaction is too much. Seeing you cleaning all the time instead of interacting and playing with her may be making her more resistant to cleaning. Even though she is so little, I can't imagine her seeing how much time cleaning takes away from fun and relationships and wanting to spend any time doing it. I certainly wouldn't want any part in something that made my mother act obssessive and grumpy.

When my dd was very little I started by modeling how to do chores and making chores fun and easy then slowly let dd take more responsibility as she was able to manage it. Slowly the jobs evolved into her jobs. She views housework as fun and is eager to do her share now that she is seven. You can make it a misery and just make her do the work, but either way it will be a while before she can do it well and you will have the same result of it being done with very different emotions attached to housework. I suggest finding a way to make it fun.