2 YO DD clawing baby's face

[KendallY]

Please help! How do I deal with this in a GD way?

Example situation: My two year old DD and I went in to get the baby (2 month old DD) after her nap. The baby was lying on the bed wearing a shirt that had a butterfly on it. The 2 YO and I were talking about how DD liked butterflies. My DD was happy and fine. Out of the blue, DD claws at the baby's face. I grabbed her arm and yelled "NO" (gut reaction) so she was only able to make limited contact. I immediately picked up the baby to soothe her... fortunately she was more startled than hurt. I said to my daughter, "please don't grab at the baby. It can give her owies and it scares me". I kept soothing the baby, but then asked my daughter if she wanted to get dressed for a party we were going to.

This is not the first time that my daughter has violently reached out to swipe/grab/claw at the baby. I can tell there is some jealousy there, so I've been trying to really focus on DD even when I'm holding the baby. Usually I can see it coming and can move the baby out of harm's way, but sometimes I have to grab my DD or move her quickly so she doesn't cause any real damage.

Every time she does it, I try to put words to her emotions (you're mad, you don't want mommy to hold the baby, etc.), and I give her other suggestions of ways to express those emotions than using her words. I also try to avoid creating resentment of my DD toward the baby by focusing too much on the baby or removing myself from my DD. I'm trying to follow the GD principles. Is this just a wait until she's older and it will go away, or is there something else I can do?

Suggestions, tips, advice, all greatly appreciated. Thanks mamas.

[Deer Hunter]

It definitely is jealousy. I say this because I did the exact same thing to my brother when I was two. I remember it like it was yesterday--the pure and utter hatred I felt, and anger for my mom bringing another baby into the house, and all that. I hated him so much that I wanted him dead! Yes, I understood what dead meant at that age. I tried to hurt him in every way I could. I actually DID claw his face. I did more than that. I gouged his face. He has scars today from me. i feel so terrible that I did such a thing to him, but I comfort myself by telling myself that I was just a child then and that I felt unloved. I can comfort myself all that I want, but it does not stop me from feeling bad about how I hurt him so bad. After all, he has scars on his face because of me! Thank goodness they are not too noticeable. Could you imagine how much worse I'd feel if I actually ruined his appearance?!

It took until the fourth child for my mom to realize where she was going wrong. It took until the fourth child for her to finally get the point that I was needing some extra love and needed to be included. Sure, she did let me regress and all that. Sure, she even gave me a bassinet, cradle, and crib to sleep in. Sure, she allowed me to have all the baby things i wanted. She did not try to stop me or chide me for acting childish. She did that right--just let me be and not try to change things; however, when she began including me, I felt better about having siblings in my midsts. I felt like I was not isolated. Perhaps, she is feeling like this? Can you two do special outings without the baby present? My mom did this for me down the line, and it did work out well. the firstborn needs to know that she is still a priority to her parents and that the baby will not make them love her any less. This is how I felt as a firstborn child.

One article that works very well is called "Firstborn Jealousy." It is found at http://parentingweb.com/discipline/ep_jealousy.htm Trying applying what you see here and see if things do not get better.

[KendallY]

Thank you Deer Hunter. I was a first born too, but don't remember having this degree of jealousy. I spend lots of time with just her and I try to limit the times I say no, or that I can't do something because of the baby. I'll keep trying to do things only with my DD so she has lots of mommy time.

[heatherweh]

Hugs- it is hard! I have a just-3 year old and a 3 month old and feel torn all the time too. I try and tell him about when he was a abby and look at pictures with him when he was a baby and that seems to be helping him relate a little. He sometimes calls his brother "little Caleb" and that seems a step in the right direction. Giving him a doll has helped. Being ready with lots of distractions helps too- toys I have up on shelves he can't get that I pull down when he starts acting out towards baby (play-doh, puzzles, waterpaints, blocks, beads). Hang in there- I figure everyone else did it so I can do it too.

I was an oldest and remember being jealous of the baby (I was 3 1/2) and wanting to hurt baby.