or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Grief and Loss › Suicide Survivors~loved ones who died by their own hand
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Suicide Survivors~loved ones who died by their own hand

post #1 of 61
Thread Starter 
Any other Suicide Survivors out there? I think that dealing with suicide in a loved one is a unique challenge, and different from other forms of grief.

My mama killed herself 2 years ago, Feb 07. This is the first time I've really reached out about it. She was only 49. She had bipolar disorder. She was involved with a very bad man. She became addicted to painkillers in the last few years (not that different from her alcohol addiction of years prior). Her, and his, life was/were falling apart due to their addictions. He left her in their previous home (that was in foreclosure) with his gun. He said he didn't love her anymore. She had been in rehab (and jail) a few months prior. He left her with a loaded gun. She pulled the trigger while sitting on a mattress on a dirty floor. She left a note to him, only him.

Those last years were the absolute worst years of her life.

She was a talented, self taught artist. Extremely talented, could do anyone's portrait in pencil or paint. She was eccentric and a hippie chick, leftover from the seventies. She breastfed 3 children, and naturally birthed us all. She bf'd my brother till he was 3 or so. She was very intelligent, had a MS in Public Health. Could debate anyone over anything.

But her weakness was her emotions. They ruled her life. In the end, they took it.

I know I've read a few posts over the years about suicide survivors and thought that we should have a tribe. Any of you out there?
post #2 of 61

Unending support

I support you...........warmly, ZM9

Quote:
Originally Posted by marimara View Post
Any other Suicide Survivors out there? I think that dealing with suicide in a loved one is a unique challenge, and different from other forms of grief.

My mama killed herself 2 years ago, Feb 07. This is the first time I've really reached out about it. She was only 49. She had bipolar disorder. She was involved with a very bad man. She became addicted to painkillers in the last few years (not that different from her alcohol addiction of years prior). Her, and his, life was/were falling apart due to their addictions. He left her in their previous home (that was in foreclosure) with his gun. He said he didn't love her anymore. She had been in rehab (and jail) a few months prior. He left her with a loaded gun. She pulled the trigger while sitting on a mattress on a dirty floor. She left a note to him, only him.

Those last years were the absolute worst years of her life.

She was a talented, self taught artist. Extremely talented, could do anyone's portrait in pencil or paint. She was eccentric and a hippie chick, leftover from the seventies. She breastfed 3 children, and naturally birthed us all. She bf'd my brother till he was 3 or so. She was very intelligent, had a MS in Public Health. Could debate anyone over anything.

But her weakness was her emotions. They ruled her life. In the end, they took it.

I know I've read a few posts over the years about suicide survivors and thought that we should have a tribe. Any of you out there?
post #3 of 61
I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother Alex to suicide last October. He had a very hard life, though most of us didn't know how bad it was until after his death. He had health issues that were affecting his ability to work and so he was about to be discharged from the military, he had legal issues that would have put him in jail for 10 years, the mother of his two kids was mentally and emotionally blackmailing him to try to get him to pay her outrageous amounts of child support, he was recently divorced after nearly 12 years of marriage, he was in trouble for letting a woman married to a military officer stay in his house, etc. It was just a lot of stuff all at once and I guess he could not take it anymore. He pulled the trigger in front of the gates to the Naval base in his car.

The day I got the call from my sister was one of the most heartbreaking ones I've ever had. It still hurts.
post #4 of 61
My niece committed suicide a year ago, April. I still cannot go to the store where I received the phone call, as irrational as that may be.
post #5 of 61
My brother, Erik, committed suicide Jan 2005. He was 23, bipolar and most likely at least one other undiagnosed mental illness. His life was pretty difficult. On the other hand, he had a wicked sense of humor and the most phonographic memory of anyone I ever knew. Everything he ever heard he could remember.

Funny I was just watching the video this weekend of the last time all 8 of us were together.
post #6 of 61
I'm so sorry for your losses.

Jeff, my stepfather (since I was 5) committed suicide December 9, 2007. When he was good, he was really really good. When he was bad, he was terribly abusive. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was also a wonderful gardener, very kind to animals, and was amazingly intelligent. He taught me to cook and would have made a brilliant chef. He also screamed at me daily that I would never amount to anything, threatened me, and beat me. I work hard every day not to believe him. I'm finally in therapy to help me with his suicide and the abuse and I have not had a drink since he killed himself. I forgave him long before his suicide, but I had a dream that night that he finally accepted my forgiveness. I wish that he had chosen a healing path.

Thanks for this space.
post #7 of 61
My cousin hung herself five years ago yesterday...she was 28 years old. She had a brain tumor years before which was removed and in remission. She then struggled with depression and an abusive situation with her husband. Poor thing had battled depression for the last several years, in and out of hospitals due to prior attempts.

Our family will never be the same and to see how this has affected her parents is most sad.

RIP Tracy - 5 years gone.
post #8 of 61
Thread Starter 
I wanted to say Thank You and offer my condolences to all that have posted here and lost someone. Thanks for posting and sharing
post #9 of 61
My dearest friend and bio dad to my 15 yo committed suicide 16 years ago this october. He died 9 days after conceiving my daughter. He was 22.
I was the last one to talk to him, the last one to see him. It really messed me up in a lot of ways. He was a brilliant artist, a brilliant student-he was also bipolar and talked about suicide for years from what I understand. He had a neglectful/abusive background. He also had a near death experience when he was 16 that I don't think he ever recovered from.

His mother and sister refuse to have anything to do with my daughter-they are convinced she is my husbands (we were separated at the time). I had a dna test done to prove she was not my husband, and she is most definitely not. I've offered time and again to do a grandparent's dna test and they won't. I think they are afraid she will go after their money or something.

He was really, really beautiful.
post #10 of 61
I'm here, and offer my condolences to everyone who's surviving suicide. My husband took his own life last fall. Still processing, still healing. While chasing a toddler who looks just like him.
post #11 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbamama View Post
I'm here, and offer my condolences to everyone who's surviving suicide. My husband took his own life last fall. Still processing, still healing. While chasing a toddler who looks just like him.
I am so sorry. My dd looks just like her bio dad, too, It is so very hard. A lot of love and hugs to you.
post #12 of 61
I lost my only sibling, my brother, 7 years ago. My first child was just a few days old. My brother was depressed, going through his second divorce, had five kids. I guess he was overwhelmed with his debts. After he died his ex wife said that he had talked to her about being suicidal but she never mentioned it to anyone! I'm not sure if he really meant to die that day. He had bought a gun and left money in an envelope but no letter or explanation or other clues about his behaviour that morning. He was living with my mom for months and sometimes I'm angry at her still for not noticing or trying to prevent this. Maybe she caused it all from the very beginning because she was abusive to us. Or the fact that the whole family thinks seeing a counselor is taboo.

My whole life I wanted a closer relationship with him but now I'll never have the chance. We don't even know where some of his kids are. My mom never told me where she buried him. I feel so disconnected and yet he is still in my heart and so missed.

I read No Time to Say Goodbye a few months ago and it was very helpful.
post #13 of 61
Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.
post #14 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by VBMama View Post
Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is very hard for the adults as well as the kids. Just be there. They may want to talk, they may not. They may say weird, inappropriate things - just listen. They need to get it all out.

Today, August 3, was my stepfather's birthday. It would have been his 51st.
post #15 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by VBMama View Post
Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.
Please don't feel like you need to apologize (at least IMO) for not being in the "primary grief zone." Grief is grief, and loss is loss. Period. Just being there for your friend and children will be wonderful; offering to take the kids so that their mom has time to grieve out of their view was priceless for me.

Also, remember that its a process, and that many well-wishers disappear after the funeral is over, back to business as usual. Which is, of course, their right. But what has been wonderful for me are the folks who "get" that it's not back to business as usual for me, and, months later, are still open and available to me -- whether it's for childcare or just a shoulder to lean on or an listening ear. Or impromptu dinner on the deck on a beautiful night that otherwise would be kind of lonely.
post #16 of 61
next month for the first time, at my bro's death anniv. he will have been dead more years than he was alive.

he was my only sibling. and we were v. close.

my dd reminds me a lot of him. when she was a baby she looked soo much like him, people did a double take. they couldnt tell from baby pictures which one was my bro and which one was my dd.

i miss him sooo much. every single day as i look at my dd and know she missed out on knowing him. he was nicknamed sunny because he was so fun and caring. no one knew about his inner turmoil.

my dad never recovered and took his grieving heart to his grave.
post #17 of 61
I am so sorry for everyone's losses.

My life has been greatly impacted by two suicides--my mother's and her sister's (my aunt).

My mother committed suicide when I was 13 months old, possibly as a result of PPD. She was very young--only 20, newly married (to someone she wouldn't have married had she not become pregnant), with a baby who was born 10 weeks premature, with lots of money stress, and a family history of depression. She took a lethal dose of prescription painkillers while I napped in the room with her. When they found her, she had the phone in her hand.

My aunt committed suicide when I was 18 years old. She had a history of mental illness, physical illness, and substance abuse. She shot herself with her husband and 8 year old son in the next room. I had just visited her 3 days before she died. I still feel guilty for being angry with her for her belligerent, self-pitying behavior during that weekend.
post #18 of 61
I lost my brother nine years ago this coming September.

He struggled with schizophrenia his whole life. His mother lost her life to her own hands, too.. as the result of schizophrenia.

Suicide is such a terrible thing.. Hurts so many, but I half to kind of understand where they're coming from.. they just need the pain and confusion to be gone.. to finally have their minds at peace. Too bad there isn't another way.
post #19 of 61
My husband committed suicide on January 18th this year while I was on the phone w/ him. We were seperated and moving towards a divorce. He shot himself while talking to me after he told me where to find him in his car.

I still don't sleep properly at night.
post #20 of 61
I'm so very sorry to read these stories.

I came here tonight to possibly gain some insight into what to say and do when someone close to you loses someone close to them to suicide. A dear friend of mine lost her son last night. While it's not a complete shock to hear...he's been talking about it for a couple months, admitted himself to a program for addiction and then promptly checked himself out and was even more sure of carrying out his intentions. He leaves behind a 7 yo son who adores him. My friend is basically in the fetal position and crying all the time. She cannot talk yet. She has to make a long distance trip soon since he lived a great distance from her. I cannot imagine what it feels like to lose a child. No matter the circumstances. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't do it justice, and it's not something that can be fixed. What are some nice gestures in this situation? I am at a loss.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Grief and Loss
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Grief and Loss › Suicide Survivors~loved ones who died by their own hand