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since when is "single mom" an insult? - Page 2

post #21 of 42
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your wisdom, josybear, thismama and Dar.

Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
seasons is that the first time you have come across that attitude?....so far i have never come across a single mom feeling insulted. instead it immediately forms a bond - connects us. i cant imagine why a single mom would be insulted - unless she did not have the empowering experience like many here do.
Hmmm, probably the first time I've phrased that question to someone, so yeah. Once she realized I was complimenting her, though, and that I was a (happy!) single mom myself, she ended up sharing a lot about her family, how the adjustment to a stepdad was hard for her daughter, how in many ways they were still just a twosome (as on this group weekend event I shared with her, where her husband wasn't along).

It's sadly not the first or hundredth time I've heard single moms themselves [not just Tom Leykus!] talk about themselves as somehow lesser compared to married moms, or suggest that their kids are someone missing something or less healthy than kids with married parents. It almost seems like single moms are polarized in some ways, with one subset of us happy and thriving and excited about empowering others, and another subset in great pain and anger and shame about being single moms. Of course some of us have a foot in each group, or move from the second to the first with time.

To my surprise, whether one is in the first or second group doesn't seem a result of whether one chose single motherhood or not. Instead, I think that stable, $ufficient employment - enough money, to be blunt - and absence of conflict with the ex does a lot to place women in the "mostly happy and empowered" group. It's probably easier to live in wonder and peace and have energy to change the world, when you know your family's fed, you know?
post #22 of 42
If someone asked me that question, I would proudly say "Yes! I am a single mom! Thank you for noticing!"
I may be missing something in your observation, but I would take it as a compliment.
post #23 of 42
Ok, I will say, I have noticed a complete difference in my child since it has just been her and I. Our bond is completely different, when she is the only thing I have to worry about.

Offensive, you want to hear offensive, I was in one of my college courses and was told statistically my child has a higher chance of being a juvenile delinquent, being socially emotionally and mentally behind her peers, be more likely to get sick injured or DIE, even being a violent criminal because she is in a single parent home.

THAT is offensive. I also want to know HOW and who they are studying to come to that conclusion.

I cannot tell you how many times married moms have made rude, assuming, nasty comments about my parenting or my child because I am not married.

It goes both ways.

I would have been FLATTERED by the OP's statement.

When there is no significant romantic relationship to nurture (marriage takes work), the result may be that your child-mother relationship gets more attention, therefore resulting in a closer bond.
post #24 of 42
I have seen that negative response to the words 'single mom' before, I think it just comes from the stigma that you had a baby without a husband (old fashioned, I know) or that you can't keep a man. (stupid, I know)
post #25 of 42
single motherhood is VERY stigmatized in our culture.
post #26 of 42
naturalmindedmomma articulated what i meant perfectly. we single parents are blamed for so many societal ills and generally ignored otherwise. no matter how good our kids are, they're always compared unfavourably to kids from 2 parent households. it's pathetic.

oh, and the studies that say our kids will end up on drugs, in gangs, in jail? they're not taking into account the family income. when compared to kids from the same income bracket, single parent-raised kids come out about average or a bit better.
post #27 of 42
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by josybear View Post
oh, and the studies that say our kids will end up on drugs, in gangs, in jail? they're not taking into account the family income. when compared to kids from the same income bracket, single parent-raised kids come out about average or a bit better.
Yup. Unfortunately, our kids' teachers and coaches - and our kids themselves - could hear these untrue "statistics" and change their expectations of our children accordingly. : That's a primary reason I am so vocal in battling the anti-single-parent stigma and presenting the alternative, positive view of our families.
post #28 of 42
Single mom is a label I am so proud of that if I got remarried I would be sad to give it up. Because single moms kick ass. This forum is proof.
post #29 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
Single mom is a label I am so proud of that if I got remarried I would be sad to give it up. Because single moms kick ass. This forum is proof.
I'm not figuring on being ashamed of the label...but for some of us, it represents a lost dream and a painful past in addition to hope for the future.
post #30 of 42
even though the stigma has not crossed my path i know it exists.

or not even stigma but a huge oh poor thing. doing it all alone. the whole attitude that a single mom must be pitied or fixed.

singlehood is looked down upon and single mom even more.

so whenever i get a chance i express how much i am enjoying my singledom. what a blast i am having with my dd. with my friends. without a partner.

society still hasnt seen too much of us to really understand.

i assume my dd's generation will do better.

however whenever i talk about how much i am enjoying life - which really has nothing to do with singlehood or not (meaning that life is not MORE fun because i am single), many are blown away with how i can be happy without a current boyfriend, or actively chasing one.

many also feel (those who have not been single parents) single parenthood is so hard its a definite no no. with divorces going up so much, i expect at some time for this way of thinking to change.
post #31 of 42
as ever, ani says it best.
Quote:
I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

^that's what being a single mama means to me.
post #32 of 42
josybear, exactly.
post #33 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama View Post
I'm not figuring on being ashamed of the label...but for some of us, it represents a lost dream and a painful past in addition to hope for the future.
when i was first going thru the separation and divorce i felt that exactly. but after i got myself together i was like i dont need a man in my life, i can do it alone and screw all the naysayer. being a single mother had been the most the most mentally painful experience but in the end it was very empowering becase i suvrived and came out on TOP.
post #34 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
Single mom is a label I am so proud of that if I got remarried I would be sad to give it up. Because single moms kick ass. This forum is proof.
you rock it.
post #35 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
when i was first going thru the separation and divorce i felt that exactly. but after i got myself together i was like i dont need a man in my life, i can do it alone and screw all the naysayer. being a single mother had been the most the most mentally painful experience but in the end it was very empowering becase i suvrived and came out on TOP.
I already know it will be easier than it's been being married. I already do it all plus put out all the fires. The most relaxing and peaceful time of my life recently was when STBX was deployed last year. :P I'm glad to hear the sting fades. I figured it would, but it's still nice to hear!
post #36 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama View Post
for some of us, it represents a lost dream and a painful past in addition to hope for the future.
I agree with this, but see where the OP's viewpoint came from and I'd like to participate with reclaiming the phrase 'single mom' and putting our own positive feelings on it. I have positive feelings about it, but they are not purely positive. Life is never so black and white, is it....?

I also agree with the pp that said that being judged and having assumptions made (based on just a few moments exposure) would irk me. Even if there was no negative connotation to the judgment. I don't know why but it just would.
post #37 of 42
It wasn't a compliment. It wasn't an insult. It was simply an inappropriate comment.
post #38 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
Single mom is a label I am so proud of that if I got remarried I would be sad to give it up. Because single moms kick ass.


I got married this past April after being a single mom since my dd was born, 6.5 years ago. Losing the "single mom" badge after all that time has been really hard for me. I find myself feeling very weird when meeting new people, who assume that this whole married family thing has always been the norm for us.

Anyway, I get the idea of making a single parent into a compliment, and I think it rocks.
post #39 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by josybear View Post
and it's no insult to two-parent families to observe that single parents have different relationships with their kids. of course we do, our circumstances are different.
I agree with this.
I am newly single on paper but have parented alone through more than half of my kids' lives due to repeated military deployments so I can sort of see both sides, because even though I wasn't a truly single mama during deployments, my relationships with my kids and the way we communicate were always very different from the "working relationship" side of my friends whose partners were usually on the same continent.
And being single so far seems like a continuation of that. My kids have to be very responsible and I rely on that in a way I wouldn't have to if there was another grownup around and I'm sure that is both good and bad depending on how you look at it.
I wouldn't be offended if someone I met assumed I was a single mama before the separation but I have heard people use it in a very prejudiced way and I know that for some people it is considered a bad thing. I doubt the OP meant to belittle partnered parents even if it came out a little awkwardly.
layne
post #40 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by mocha09 View Post
I got married this past April after being a single mom since my dd was born, 6.5 years ago. Losing the "single mom" badge after all that time has been really hard for me. I find myself feeling very weird when meeting new people, who assume that this whole married family thing has always been the norm for us.

Anyway, I get the idea of making a single parent into a compliment, and I think it rocks.
Aw, I was just listening to the song "babymama" this morning on a playlist I made to cheer myself up through the divorce and it made me so happy. I think single parents have a lot to be proud of as a group.
layne
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