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since when is "single mom" an insult?

2K views 41 replies 27 participants last post by  mocha09 
#1 ·
Yesterday, watching a new aquaintance interacting with her tween daughter, I complimented the mom: "You must be a single mom." I was smiling when I said it. She got all huffy: "I'm NOT! Not for three years now - I used to be. Why would you say that?" I explained, "Because of how tight your bond is with your daughter. It's mostly two-person families that have that, in my experience." She relaxed then and we gabbed a bit, but I was surprised - since when is "you must be a single mom" an insult, rather than a mere misidentification? I suspect if I'd said "Oh, you must be a Dr. Sears follower" or "you must be Methodist" she wouldn't have gotten as huffy.
 
#2 ·
I think it just comes from the fact that when people see "bad" children out, they are from single parent homes. While I don't always agree with that, in small towns (like where I live) this seems to be the case! At least that mom chilled after you told her why you thought that!
 
#3 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MommaKitten21 View Post
I think it just comes from the fact that when people see "bad" children out, they are from single parent homes.
I knew that was a sick stereotype, but I thought it existed only on fathers-rights boards - and in the mind of Tom Leykus.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
I explained, "Because of how tight your bond is with your daughter. It's mostly two-person families that have that, in my experience."
Wow... I would have been VERY insulted (and feel some pity because of your experience) by that explanation more than anything else.


Talk about reverse prejudice.
I sure hope that no married mothers of tweens are perusing these boards and read this.

I know some of the most amazing, tightly bonded mothers of tweens, teens and all ages for that matter... who happen to be both married and single.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Wow... I would have been VERY insulted (and feel some pity because of your experience) by that explanation more than anything else.


Talk about reverse prejudice.
I sure hope that no married mothers of tweens are perusing these boards and read this.

I know some of the most amazing, tightly bonded mothers of tweens, teens and all ages for that matter... who happen to be both married and single.
Yeah, I'm not sure I'd jump to a conclusion either way based on a good interaction. It's the same thing as someone looking at your child behaving well and commenting "Wow, you must be from a happily married home" or "you must be a SAHM" or something equally non-relevant---even if you meant it as a compliment, or general observation, it comes across as disbelief that someone in a two parent home could have the time to create such a tight bond with their kid.

Compliment or not, married or single, I don't think I'd take that one very well myself either.

And it's just not a safe thing to say...even if you're right about her being a single mom, you don't know the back-story. Maybe that's my midwestern passive-ness showing, but you seemed genuinely surprised at the reaction, so I thought I'd throw out alternative interpretations that might explain why that's perhaps not going to be well received.
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Wow... I would have been VERY insulted (and feel some pity because of your experience) by that explanation more than anything else.


Talk about reverse prejudice.
I sure hope that no married mothers of tweens are perusing these boards and read this.

I know some of the most amazing, tightly bonded mothers of tweens, teens and all ages for that matter... who happen to be both married and single.


Wow I am speechless , and sad at the hint that a married mother would not have the same bond with her children as a single mother would..

My sisters are married and have very STRONG and unbreakable bonds with their teen / tween daughters ..
 
#8 ·
. This is a SINGLE MOMS forum, so I talk here about my SINGLE MOM experience. Disagree as you please. I simply thought it was sad that even a former single mom thought that being "like a single mom" was an insult. Shame. It should be a badge of pride (and close families).
 
#9 ·
I am now a single mom but was married before DS was born. I have not been a mom in a married relationship but if I were and someone asked me if i was a single mom, I might be inclined to get upset about it. Only because of the association of being a single mom and having premarital relations (I know thats not the only way but its what comes to mind first) and that is really looked down upon in my religion so I would feel judged. However, being a single mom now, if someone asked me that now, I totally would not be insulted. I am not as closed minded now. just my $0.02.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
I might be inclined to get upset about it. Only because of the association of being a single mom and having premarital relations (I know thats not the only way but its what comes to mind first)
Interesting, the prevalence of that incorrect stereotype, eh?

The statistics are that never-marrieds are the minority of single moms; 2/3 of us are single as a result of widowhood, divorce or separation. (Similarly, teen single moms are the exception rather than the rule; 2/3 of single moms are over 21.)
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
. This is a SINGLE MOMS forum, so I talk here about my SINGLE MOM experience. Disagree as you please. I simply thought it was sad that even a former single mom thought that being "like a single mom" was an insult. Shame. It should be a badge of pride (and close families).
Yes, single mamas should take pride in being a single parent... BUT not at the expense of judging and diminishing 2-parent families as being less than (or lacking in a closeness with their children).

Is that not what you have gotten upset about, in regards to married mamas speaking about single mamas? Are you not doing the same, Seasons?

Additionally, just because this is a single PARENTS forum, does not give us ANY right to judge other family structures as better or worse than our own.
 
#13 ·
honestly, i hear so much muttering about single mothers being societal leeches and get treated so condescendingly all the time, i'd be thrilled to death if someone acknowledged that my kids have a good life and i do well in this role.

and it's no insult to two-parent families to observe that single parents have different relationships with their kids. of course we do, our circumstances are different.
 
#14 ·
I think that most comments that start with "You must be a ..." are followed by an assumption or generalization which, by definition, don't take into account the specifics of the individual or situation you're addressing. I think it ruffles feathers to make assumptions or generalizations about people based on what little you can see right then and there.
 
#15 ·
I would have been offended by that. why would anyone assume I was single? also your assumption included single parents are better but since she wasn't a single mom her having a tight bond with her dd was some how a fluke?! nice. I don't want or appreciate anyone looking at me and deciding, based on anything in my life, that I must be single or must be married. I was a great mom when I was married and I am a great mom now that I am doing this alone and my bond with my kids has not changed one bit.
 
#16 ·
seasons is that the first time you have come across that attitude?

i think it might be some personal stuff that must be happening to her. maybe single hood was painful to her - maybe she is happy she partnered again. whatever reason might be a personal reaction. maybe someone was mean to her when she was a single mom with harsh comments and so she is sensitive about it.

so far i have never come across a single mom feeling insulted. instead it immediately forms a bond - connects us.

i cant imagine why a single mom would be insulted - unless she did not have the empowering experience like many here do.
 
#17 ·
I'd be pretty taken-aback by ANY statement that started with, "You must be a ...", regardless of what followed or whether or not it was true. As PP have pointed out, it's rather intrusive, and over-generalizing.

Try not to take it personally that she was offended; it doesn't neccessarily speak of a negative view of single moms!
 
#19 ·
Yeah, I get what you meant, too, and I agree... in larger families (3 or more people) there are many relationships among family members - mom and dad (or mom and mom, or dad and dad), mom to child, child to other child, child to dad... but in a two-person family, there's only one relationship, and I think that therefore it tends to be stronger... not stronger in a "better" sense of the word, but more central.

Anyway, I have seen this with other single moms of one kid, too, especially with moms who have been single for many years. People comment on how close Rain and I are often.

I think meemee is right, though - for many single moms, the experience isn't one of empowerment. Some people see single moms as failures - as in, we're single moms because we failed to get and/or keep a man. Some single moms iternalize that - society reinforces that message pretty clearly. It sounds like maybe some of that was going on with the woman you spoke with, because she was so quick to tell you that she had, in fact, gotten married.
 
#21 ·
Thank you for your wisdom, josybear, thismama and Dar.


Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
seasons is that the first time you have come across that attitude?....so far i have never come across a single mom feeling insulted. instead it immediately forms a bond - connects us. i cant imagine why a single mom would be insulted - unless she did not have the empowering experience like many here do.
Hmmm, probably the first time I've phrased that question to someone, so yeah. Once she realized I was complimenting her, though, and that I was a (happy!) single mom myself, she ended up sharing a lot about her family, how the adjustment to a stepdad was hard for her daughter, how in many ways they were still just a twosome (as on this group weekend event I shared with her, where her husband wasn't along).

It's sadly not the first or hundredth time I've heard single moms themselves [not just Tom Leykus!] talk about themselves as somehow lesser compared to married moms, or suggest that their kids are someone missing something or less healthy than kids with married parents. It almost seems like single moms are polarized in some ways, with one subset of us happy and thriving and excited about empowering others, and another subset in great pain and anger and shame about being single moms. Of course some of us have a foot in each group, or move from the second to the first with time.

To my surprise, whether one is in the first or second group doesn't seem a result of whether one chose single motherhood or not. Instead, I think that stable, $ufficient employment - enough money, to be blunt - and absence of conflict with the ex does a lot to place women in the "mostly happy and empowered" group. It's probably easier to live in wonder and peace and have energy to change the world, when you know your family's fed, you know?
 
#23 ·
Ok, I will say, I have noticed a complete difference in my child since it has just been her and I. Our bond is completely different, when she is the only thing I have to worry about.

Offensive, you want to hear offensive, I was in one of my college courses and was told statistically my child has a higher chance of being a juvenile delinquent, being socially emotionally and mentally behind her peers, be more likely to get sick injured or DIE, even being a violent criminal because she is in a single parent home.

THAT is offensive. I also want to know HOW and who they are studying to come to that conclusion.

I cannot tell you how many times married moms have made rude, assuming, nasty comments about my parenting or my child because I am not married.

It goes both ways.

I would have been FLATTERED by the OP's statement.

When there is no significant romantic relationship to nurture (marriage takes work), the result may be that your child-mother relationship gets more attention, therefore resulting in a closer bond.
 
#26 ·
naturalmindedmomma articulated what i meant perfectly. we single parents are blamed for so many societal ills and generally ignored otherwise. no matter how good our kids are, they're always compared unfavourably to kids from 2 parent households. it's pathetic.

oh, and the studies that say our kids will end up on drugs, in gangs, in jail? they're not taking into account the family income. when compared to kids from the same income bracket, single parent-raised kids come out about average or a bit better.
 
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