Why does DS keep "playing dumb"?

[minkajane]

I am beyond frustrated. DS is 4 1/2. I've been trying to teach him his letters for months, but I am making very little progress because every time we go over the letters, DS acts like he's never heard of half of them. I know he knows them because I've seen him talking to himself or to his grandmother and he can point them out just fine. He did the same thing this morning with counting. I showed him three fingers on one hand and two fingers on the other and asked him how many that was. He started to count them and said "One, two, three, ummm...seven? Three?" I stopped him and said "DS, stop pretending you don't know how to count. You can count just fine." And he did. He counted them perfectly fine. It's infuriating to try and teach him something when five seconds later he acts like he's never heard of it, then another five seconds pass and he gets all huffy and says "I KNOW, you already did that one!"

It's not just with learning stuff either. I'll tell him not to do something and he'll immediately go and do it, then say "Oooohhh" like he didn't get it when I remind him that I just told him not to do it. Or he'll just ignore me altogether. Today, he knocked a soda off the table and stood there staring at it as it poured all over the carpet and I said "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up," then came across the room and picked it up myself. Then I told him to go get a towel and had time to go in the kitchen, get one myself, and clean it up before he got back from the closet ten feet away.

I'm at the end of my rope with this kid. He's SO smart and I feel like he's just shutting his brain off. I feel like I'm yelling all the time just to get his attention, then stand over him to get him to do things he's been doing independently for two years. PLEASE tell me this is a normal phase and there's something I can do!

[green betty]

Yes, it's normal (although not really a phase), and yes, there's something you can do. Stop trying to force learning.

As you say, he already knows letters and numbers and demonstrates that knowledge... when HE wants to. You know what? Playing around with letters and numbers, learning what they are and what you can do with them, is fun. He'll do it no matter what. We live in a letter and number saturated environment--it's obvious that they're important and meaningful, and he is hard-wired to notice that and figure them out. About the only way you can mess that up is by sitting him down and trying to make him do it your way. So (and I say this with respect and affection, as a long time fan of your posts) knock it off. It sounds like he's sending a clear message that he doesn't want to do that with you. Listen. He'll be much happier and so will you. And you can use your energies for something you enjoy, instead!

[minkajane]

OK, so what about the rest of the time? Like when he pretends he didn't hear me tell him to do/not to do something? Or I have to stand over him and force him to do something he's done independently for years? For example, we just had to make him start sitting down to pee again because he randomly stopped putting the lid down and flushing after doing it on his own for over a year. At least this way the seat is down. Or I'll ask him to hand me something and he'll stare right at it and say he doesn't see it. Etc. It's not just with the sit-down learning (which he always loved until the past several weeks and asked to do, so it's not like I'm forcing learning).

[Flower of Bliss]

DD does this too. I'm a former high school math teacher and it always reminds me of my girls doing a coy playing dumb thing to look cool or whatever. She especially does it with puzzles. She'll go through a phase of loving puzzles and playing with them all the time. The challenging ones will quickly become easy. Then suddenly we'll pull out puzzles and she'll stop half way and behave as though it's too hard for her and demand that I help If she's not being challenged, she'll quickly start the playing dumb game. I just take it as a cue to stop doing that activity for awhile or else make the activity more challenging (get harder puzzles...). Generally I do both - get the harder puzzles, but not encourage her to use them and let her come back to them when she's ready.

She also does it sometimes when I'm encouraging her to "show off" a bit. For example, she adores reciting nursery rhymes with me. It's an obsession very driven by her and we do it all the time for fun. However, sometimes if I start it in front of someone she'll pretend she doesn't know the rhyme that we recite all the time.

I get very frustrated with the playing dumb. I'd much prefer her say "I don't want to do this right now mom." However, it is still a pretty clear communication.

I hope at least the basic behavior part of this stops for you soon. Not following basic simple instructions and pretending they're just too hard makes me absolutely insane (and is likely why my DD tends to keep up that misbehavior for awhile).

[Phoenix~Mama]

My DSD does this too! And it is frustrating... especially over the last few months how she has "forgotten" how to get dressed. She has been dressing herself for 2.5 years and now all of a sudden she cannot put her panties on the right way to save her life... I don't get it.

I just hope this passes soon...