So I'm back... A lot happened today and I am feeling pretty crappy and run down and just discouraged.
I have a highly anxious personality. My contractions have been going on for 4 days and I have had preterm and prodomal labor since about week 32.
I am tired. Plus I have a fear of my body not doing what it is supposed to do (birth trauma left over from Abrielle).
Anyway, so everytime I was having a BM, I was getting bright red blood from the bearing down, which scared me. Especially not knowing if the cervix is actually effacing and dialating and with my placenta being an issue, I talked with my HB MW and she suggested I called my OB whom I had an appt with today. My contractions were painful and regular at 5 minutes apart. So they asked me to head up to Worcester and go to L&D, which I did.
Now I get on a monitor and because I have not eaten and not had a bm for a little while the blood is now brown. They don't want to check my cervix because they do not have my records, but the process of admitting me and making a decision on how I and they wanted to manage my care depended on it. So they end up leaving me on the monitor for like 3 hours of which I am having regular contractions. So FINALLY they get my records and check me, the resident doesn;t even REACH the cervix (I can feel where her finger is) and says your about a finger tip. So they want me to walk and come back in an hour. I ask her to get the chief resident in my room. I complained that if they plan on managing my care as a vaginal birth, then they need to manage it that way and ACTUALLY check me, because for how much blood I am having, a finger tip is not normal. So the chief resident checks me, I am a tight 1 and 4 CM thick and she tells me it is not a laboring cervix. At this point I lose it, WHY am I bleeding so much when I am not dialating, WHY am I contracting and it is doing nothing.
I swear had they dangled pitocin in my face I might have taken it. I become a completely different person in the hospital. I walk in and immediatly feel demoralized and ignorant. I am also emotional and exhausted. I also miss my primary MW who is coming home tomorrow.
So I get discharged with instructions to return if I am bleeding,WTF???? or if my contractions are 5 minutes apart, painful, and last an hour that way (oh you mean like the monitor said I was for the last 3 hours). This is a JOKE.
So I come home, angry at myself for feeling this way, knowing I want a HB. I am just concerned for my little girl and completely losing faith in my body.
So here I am contracting, bleeding, but FINALLY the runs have stopped. I feel like an idiot, I feel silly and stupid for being so desperate.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get this out.