Stealing

[two_sets_of_twins]

I'm sure this has been addressed in this forum before, but I don't have the time {or the energy...I'm sure you all understand} to read through all the posts to find what I'm looking for. So please indulge me...

All of my children {ages 4 to 7 1/2} have been stealing. They get into my garage where I keep things I don't want them getting into. They take things from my purse {including money}. They take special treats DH or I have been saving for ourselves. They take things from friends' houses without asking. It's so bad that DH and I don't feel like we can even trust what they tell us about where things came from. Stuff just keeps appearing in our house that doesn't belong to us.

My 7-year-old DD even tried to take some lip gloss from Wal Mart today. The only reason she didn't get out of the store with it is that I saw her zipping up her purse and figured she had stolen something. I made her take it to an employee and apologize for trying to steal it. I explained that if she had made it out of the store with it, they had every right to call the police and that people who steal go to jail. {Scare tactic, I know, but my arsenal's a little bare right now.}

How have you all handled stealing? I'm just not sure what will get through to them because I feel like we've tried a few things and nothing seems to work. I need some fresh ideas!

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Janet

[Deer Hunter]

If they steal from you and others, then they have to pay back restitution. For instance, if they stole money out of your purse, then they have to work to earn the money and then pay it back to you. Ouch! That hurts. Do they get an allowance? If so, make them pay for everything that they stole, including the things they steal from you. If they steal from others, and you find out who it is they stole from, make them go and appologize to the people they stole from, and then make them work it all off to repay their debt. The best way for a child to learn is if he is held accountable for his actions.

Then, get locks for everything. Lock everything down in your house. If they ask why you are doing that, be honest and say that you cannot trust them right now because they are very dishonest and steal. Tell them that you love them and want to trust them and that what they are doing really upsets you, but you have no choice to keep things locked up for now. Only when they can prove to you that they can be trusted will you loosen up. That is natural and logical, too. If you break trust, you can't be trusted. Just like if a child does not know how to treat a toy, he loses it. Understand? It is not an unreasonable consequence, but it is natural and logical, as it is what occurs in the real world.

Have you tried sitting them down and asking why they steal? If not, you should. Ask them why they feel they need to steal. Ask them what good they think it does for them. Ask what makes them feel like they have to steal things. Then, ask how they would feel if a friend or some other child just came over and steal their toys. Ask what they'd do about it. Such discussions are good, as you can better help the children and address whatever the problem is. If they say something obnoxious, do not get angry at them. Just listen. Getting angry will cause them to just lie to you further and shut down. Then, you can forget about getting them to open up to you. A good, calm, reasonable conversation works best. You might have an easier time with the four year olds, as they are still moldable and are still young. The tough parts will be dealing with the seven year olds, as they are a little older and can better understand why they are doing what they are doing and are more set in their ways. It is not as inocent as it would be with the four year olds. But, don't give up. I feel like if they truly understand how their actions affect others, they will stop this. I'd even suggest having them also talk to the people they stole from, so those people can have an opportunity to tell the children how they feel about their actions.

If all else fails, and if it is out of hand as you say it is, take the children down to the police station for a day. They need to know what will really happen if this continues. For the seven year olds, let them know that they only have a little bit of time until they are old enough to go to Juvie, as the age is eight. No, it is not wrong to do this. You are being a good parent by being honest. The wrong thing to do is to shelter them from the world and not be truthful about how their actions could effect others and themselves. They have to see it for what it really is. They have to own up for what they have done.

I like how you handled the Walmart incident. I'd have done it the same way.

Hope this helps.

I'm interested as to what others can add to the mix here.

Here is to hoping that this ends soon!

P.S. If this is out of line with gentle discipline standards, then I appologize. It is just that i feel like this is the most practical way to handle something like this. I don't know everything and am still learning, and i'm sure that you guys will let me know if this is out of line and incorrect. I did this with one of my friend's children when I was watching him for the summer, and it worked like a charm, hence the reason i'm suggesting it again here. I feel like these consequences are very logical for the circumstances and fit these actions and are good teaching tools. But, if I'm wrong, I'm SURE someone will let me know. Take care and blessings to all

[LynnS6]

Someone posted awhile back concerning lying that they put up the letters T-R-U-S-T on the fridge and each time their child lied, they took down one of the letters. This was a visual demonstration of losing trust because of the lies.

I'm wondering if something similar could be done with the stealing? What you'd have to do then, is brainstorm ways to rebuild the trust.

Clearly they have lost your trust (the fact that you suspected your daughter of stealing when you saw her zipping her purse demonstrates that). What can they do to demonstrate that they are trustworthy again? How will you know? That, IMO, is as important as the consequences for stealing. If you can never recover, then why bother stopping?

In terms of stealing, I agree that you need to attack this from several fronts: Why are they stealing? What can you do to prevent it? How can you make them take responsibility for it?>