7yo and "backtalk"

[boysmom2]

So, we have a lot of discipline issues to work out lately, but I guess I'll start with this one, since it REALLY bothers me. My 7yo (and now my 4yo, from watching his big brother) has been responding really disrepectfully to DH and I. For example, DS1 and I both hear the dog bark at the door, so I will nicely ask that he please let the dog in, while he can clearly see I'm in the middle of something, like making his lunch. He'll answer, "NO!!!" Or whine that he "ALWAYS has to do it, why can't DS2 do it?!" I'll remind him that we all help out around the house, and I would do it but I'm in the middle of xyz right now. I've told him that it's ok to disagree with me, but that instead of yelling no he could calmly explain his side of things to me. He may or may not convince me to change my mind, he may still have to do/stop doing whatever it is, but it's not ok to scream no at me.

Now, I really want to be GD, but we've kind of gotten off track with it - not spanking or anything, but lots of timeouts and way too much yelling.) We've had a lot of stress in our family over the last 2 years and I fell into some bad habits with my kiddos. I'm slowly trying to work on different issues. I don't expect or want blind obedience, but I think we should all speak to each other in a respectful way. I know my yelling isn't helping anything, but I just get so frustrated. It seems like everything is met with resistence and a fight and this nasty tone is just more than I can take. He complains that I'm "being rotten" towards him. I'm often the "worst mother ever." And usually this is after I've done something horrible like tell him we need to run to the store at some point today to pick up milk.

Ugh. I know I have a lot to work on in myself. Any ideas of how to work on this with them would be greatly appreciated. I just want us to live happily and peacefully together. Thanks.

[Kirsten]

I think you are smart to start with just one issue - the one that is bugging you the most. Get that under control then start on another.

I agree that respect is something that you deserve and that he isn't too young to learn.

I have explained to my kids the "get more flies with honey" concept. When they yell or whine or complain in an over the top way, I ask them if they think that makes me feel more like helping them or less like helping them. This is a real world concept that holds true with our siblings, friends, bosses, etc.

I also find it helps to assign the younger sib a job when you give the older one one. Eventually you can drop the tit for tat with chores, but for now it might help.

Also, if you have to do something that he was supposed to, then he asks why lunch isn't ready - explain (VERY briefly - too many words will shut him down) you had to put that on hold to (xyz that he was asked to do).

I think kids will complain to see if they can get out of it. If you are consistent with it, he'll adjust and (hopefully) complain less.

And have you modeled for him how to tell you the same thing in a nice way?

"Ds, can you let the dog in, please?"
"NOOOOOO!!! You are always mean to me; I hate the stupid dog!"
"Sounds like you're mad about helping with the dog. But it's raining. Let her in and we'll talk about whether you might prefer (insert another chore/help here) instead. 'Cause we all have to help out around here." (said with a nice tone)

And sometimes I use a bit of humor to deflect a bad attitude. Same first two lines but then I'd say (in a funny voice "Mommy, you are just the most wonderful mother in the whole world and there is nothing I'd rather do right now than help with Scooter - but can I finish my game first?"

Have you tried giving a choice? "hey ds, I need a little help. Would you rather put silverware on the table or let the dog in?" Try to find a time when he doesn't complain, and make a point of making eye contact with a smile and a genuine "it really helps me when you xyz - thanks".

I really hear you on having an issue with disrespect and refusal to help; those make me super annoyed too! I hope something I mentioned is helpful. You may have tried them all - but maybe pick one and try it consistently?

And is your dp on the same page? Are the expectations the same?

[boysmom2]

Thank you! I really appreciate all your ideas! I'm going to have to try them. I think I've tried a couple here and there but nothing consistently. I'll have to work on that.

As for DH, he agrees that we have a problem, but that's about where the agreement ends. He is more authoritarian in his child-rearing beliefs. He thinks they should speak to us in a certain way simply because we're his parents. He honestly believes we're harming them by NOT spanking them (but I've put my foot down on that one and he hasn't done it). He was spanked as child and he believes it taught him to respect his father. So, with him (and me sometimes the disrespecful/defiant tone sets him off and the whole thing just escalates. I explained to him that I think there's an underlying issue with DS1 that's causing him to act this way. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it may have to do with my lack of mothering over the last 2 years. We had several m/c which left me pretty depressed/mentally absent and then finally a healthy pregnancy which caused me lots of anxiety and stress and exhaustion. Now we have a new baby whom DH and I fawn over all the time. The big boys love their new brother, but I think it's all been hard on them too. Anyway, I told DH that I think we really need to try to have more positive interactions with the older 2 and he agreed. But in the moment, when they're talking to us in a nasty way he just gets mad. He really is a good dad and loves them very much. He was just raised in a different way.