Did anyone else refuse consent even though their so wanted to circ? - Page 3

[abiyhayil]

We only mentioned circ once, the LC who taught our baby class told us that circ is unnecessary and showed us pictures We both looked at each other and shook our heads in disbelief. At the hospital right after birth, DH says he would really like DS circed (in a thats final kind of way) I said it was up to him and signed consent and the numbing cream was put on. The dr had just finished telling us that it is medically unnecessary and barbaric. Dh said 'do it and I want to be there' he left to eat with his parents and i broke down with my mom there. She stood up for me and reassured me that its ok to protect my baby and say no. DH is always very headstrong and I knew he had made up his mind, but I told him no (probably the first time ever and its been easier standing up for myself ever since1) and he told me basically what your DH said. The next month every one he told everyone how I was responsible for my sons future social isolation because he was intact. I cried A LOT thinking how close I came to letting my perfectly innocent baby be hurt and irrevocably changed. I took to the task of researching intact care and found MDC He now acknowledges the research and facts but is still not convinced that he won't have a penis problem at school and with girls

[Yaliina]

Originally Posted by Momalea

I wasn't in the same situation because my dh was fine with not circumcising, however he didn't see what the big deal was all about. However, once ds was born he felt very strongly about not circ because he couldn't imagine intentionally causing his baby pain. So, maybe your dh will have a change of heart once your ds is born.

My heart goes out to you, if my dh felt strongly about circ I would have fought him as well and that's hardly the stress you need when you're pregnant/post-partum.

:

[ashleedio]

DH and I have not revisited the topic, and I don't plan on being the one to bring it up. I spoke to my pediatrician and also to my ob to find out exactly what to expect, regarding the hospital's policies on consent, etc. My OB said this, "OUR group (4 doctors) are the only ones permitted to do the circumcision. We'll come by and ask you about it the morning after you give birth when we do our check up on you - and if you don't want it, you don't sign anything, we just don't do it. NO ONE else has permission or authority at that hospital to TOUCH him, except us, and ONLY us with YOUR consent. In fact, you have to sign a consent, then *I* have to sign a consent form stating that I SAW your consent form, and the nurse that assists me has to sign one that she saw ME read your form and sign my own. It WILL NOT happen unless YOU want it to, and your husband can not consent to it - only YOU can. I'll write it in your chart right now that you don't want it, and if you want to, you can mention it at every appointment until he's born and we'll continue to write it down so it's on the top of your chart every week and we likely won't even ASK you at the hospital if we see it noted in the chart."

So, basically, it's not happening - I'm refusing to allow it to happen to my son. If my dh has an issue with it, he'll learn to accept it, and realize that I am allowing this decision to belong to our son, not to either of us. I really think that it will become a non-issue fairly quickly, because when I DID try to bring it back up, he said he didn't want to talk about it, which to me, means that he realizes that it's something we won't see eye-to-eye on and he's just letting it go.

Thanks for all of your advice and support!

[Quirky]

: Great news, mama! I think it will become a non-issue over time once your dh meets and loves your ds *as a person and an individual, i.e. his son* and not just as the baby *you're* pregnant with.

[ShadowMoon]

I was in your exact same position. We had all the same arguments and dp gave the same reasons for wanting to circ as your dh did. I refused to budge and ds remains intact
Dp still resents me for it. It sometimes comes out in arguments or unrelated conversations if he gets upset enough. He still feels he was in the right and his son should have been circed. I still don't regret my decision and I hope that in time, dp comes around. Good luck and stay strong

[ElliesMomma]

Originally Posted by ashleedio

I spoke to my pediatrician and also to my ob to find out exactly what to expect, regarding the hospital's policies on consent, etc. My OB said this, "OUR group (4 doctors) are the only ones permitted to do the circumcision. We'll come by and ask you about it the morning after you give birth when we do our check up on you - and if you don't want it, you don't sign anything, we just don't do it. NO ONE else has permission or authority at that hospital to TOUCH him, except us, and ONLY us with YOUR consent. In fact, you have to sign a consent, then *I* have to sign a consent form stating that I SAW your consent form, and the nurse that assists me has to sign one that she saw ME read your form and sign my own. It WILL NOT happen unless YOU want it to, and your husband can not consent to it - only YOU can. I'll write it in your chart right now that you don't want it, and if you want to, you can mention it at every appointment until he's born and we'll continue to write it down so it's on the top of your chart every week and we likely won't even ASK you at the hospital if we see it noted in the chart."

this is basically the same conversation i had with my midwife today. she also put it in my chart. she said that *I* am their patient, so what i say goes, not my husband's opinion on it. i'm still going to be vigilant in the hospital, however, to make sure there are no "medical errors" in this regard.

i was glad to read your post. i have a similar thread going now -- and your conversation with the OBs being almost the same as mine, gives me confidence.

i am also going around my husband's opinions on this matter. i don't think he realizes yet that it is incredibly painful for the baby, not medically necessary at all, and as you state the decision belongs to the child, not us.

what you and i are doing is not even making a decision. we are just letting our sons "be" the way they were born, for gosh sakes. we are refusing to surgically alter them, is all.

the husbands' "deciding" to have elective surgery on a newborn is a huge deal, versus the wives' "deciding" to simply take no action in that regard.

i'm right with you on this.

[dancindoula]

Originally Posted by abiyhayil

He now acknowledges the research and facts but is still not convinced that he won't have a penis problem at school and with girls

If it were me, the next time he brought it up I'd let him know that any girl that vapid wasn't worth my son's time. What other body part should he plan on surgically altering to be more attractive to "the girls"? Is that the message he wants to raise his son hearing? That we MUST always alter ourselves to fit EVERYONE ELSE'S notion of beauty? How shallow.

By the way, just how many girls does he want involved with your son's penis while he's in school???

Sorry if this sounds a bit strong, but that line of reasoning always hits a nerve with me.

[jenP]

Originally Posted by ashleedio

he'll learn to accept it, and realize that I am allowing this decision to belong to our son, not to either of us.

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

as you state the decision belongs to the child, not us.

what you and i are doing is not even making a decision. we are just letting our sons "be" the way they were born, for gosh sakes. we are refusing to surgically alter them, is all.

the husbands' "deciding" to have elective surgery on a newborn is a huge deal, versus the wives' "deciding" to simply take no action in that regard.

I had been thinking about this thread last night and came now to post, only to see you two saying basically what I was thinking!
You're right, as the mom not consenting to surgery you are not "making a decision" at all. You are simply leaving any decisions up to your son. It is the dad who wants to decide to do drastic surgery.

If your husband feels upset that you "get to make all the parenting decisions," maybe it would help for him to
A)Participate more in the decisions! If you are making most of the decisions, you are probably doing most of the research. He can read and research and discuss too and feel much more involved in his child's life
and
B) realize that, although as new parents you have many decisions to make, circumcision is NOT one of them! Circumcision is not a "parenting decision" that he is "letting" you make. It is a cosmetic body modification decision that your son can think about when he is older.

HTH, and all the best to you! Glad it sounds like things are working out!

Jen

[natural_mama89]

Originally Posted by perspective

Well, what it sounds like is from the start (in some in direct way) that "your idea was right, and his was wrong, and to prove it here is evidence why your wrong".

If thats true, I think a major issue he has here is less about the circumcision and more that (as he says) feels "betrayed" and hurt. Because instead of raising the baby together, you have picked it up and ran off saying you know whats best.

What you need to do is stop with the facts, and points proving your right. Instead sit down with him and ask him why he wants it done, let him express his side.

Here is a key line from your post, "However, my mind is made up and my son WILL remain intact."

Not to sound rude, but just as much as your husband has no right to circumcise him, you have no right to say he must be intact. Thats the wrong wording.

You need to make it clear to your husband that this is not about what he wants, or what you want either. That all you want is your son to get to make this personal decision about his body, for HIMSELF. And the only way of doing that is keeping him intact. Tell him you will support whatever your son wants when he is 18, because all your trying to protect here is his choice.


With that, the discussion moves off "whose right" (which can just lead to hurt feelings) and moves to the health and happiness of your son. And thats a point both of you can have an easier time agreeing on.