mamamille, I applaud you for looking for ways to teach your dd in ways different than those that were used on you. When our twins were toddlers, my DH used to say "I'm going to be the greatest paretn in the world - all I have to do is the opposite of what my parents did!" Unfortunately, knowing what NOT to do is not the same as knowing what TO do, and it is very difficult to learn new ways of behaving when our biggest role models (our own parents) did something else.
You hit the nail on the head when you distinguished between punishment and discipline. Punishment is designed to get a child to NOT do something - discipline helps them learn what TO do.
There are a ton of resources out there, but for me my whole parenting philosophy boils down to two words: trust and respect. I want my children to respect me, but I understand that respect has to be EARNED, and the way to earn respect from a child is to be consistent, fair, encouraging, adnd gentle. Treating my children with respect also shows them how I want them to treat others. One way this works in our house is that most rules apply equally to kids and grownups. No one is allowed to hit in our family - not kids or grownups. No one is allowed to leave the dinner table until everyone is finished eating - no matter how many things I have to do after supper, and no matter how slowly the kids eat! Everyone is required to do jobs around the house - even a 3-yr-old can help set or clear the table, or help put clothes from the washer to the dryer. We don't have chores because we are looking for slave labor - we all pitch in because we all benefit from getting things done - and the sooner the table is cleared, the sooner we can play a board game together.
Trust is the other huge thing, and consistency and fairness help develop trust as well. Of course you have to have rules, boundaries, and limits, but in our house rules were almost exclusively designed to keep our toddlers safe and healthy. If you maintain a set of rules that are fair and consistent - and if the child understands WHY the rule is important (for example, you MUST hold Mommy's hand crossing the street or in a parking lot, so you don't get hit by a car), and if the rules don't change from day to day depending on Mommy's mood, the child learns to trust that Mom's rules are there for a reason. As they get older, they more begin to understand and appreciate why we have certain rules.
A couple of examples: we are very careful about what our kids see on TV. Until they were about 10, my kids were crazy about dinosaurs, and when they saw a picture from the movie "Jurassic Park", they were fascinated, since they had believed that humans and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time. Obviously JP was too intense for a 5-yr-old, so DH and I made a g-rated version, editing out the violent bits, but leaving the story line intact. Years later they watched the uncut version, and both commented that they were VERY glad that we had not let them watch it that way when they were little! They trusted that we had made the right decision for them, to keep them safe (from nightmares, in this case).
Another example: in elementary school, every year our kids would grouse about wanting a later bed time, because their friends got to stay up later. Every time I gave them the same explanation: if you can wake up every morning without an alarm (or me waking you up), and you are well-rested, than you are getting enough sleep, and you can stay up later. If I have to drag you out of bed in the morning, then you need to go to bed early. Bedtime isn't arbitrary - it's determined by how much sleep your body needs, and what time you need to get to school in the morning. Eventually they realized that they were happier when they got more sleep, and now, as teenagers, they still go to bed at a reasonable time most nights - even on weekends.
The more often your child sees that the rules are there for a reason, the more the child will trust that new rules are also there for a reason.
