Attachment question

[candm]

DH, DD2 and I are going to Haiti on Monday to visit our two kiddos there (8 y.o. DS, 5 y.o. DD1). DH and I have both been to visit them once, separately close to 2 years ago. We decided not to go again until they were coming home b/c we hated them getting attached to us only for us to leave again. However, our son's health has not been that great (losing weight) and since it's been so long since we've seen them, we felt it was necessary to go on this trip. Now for my question. I am afraid of doing more damage to them by letting them start to attach to us and then leaving them again. I'd love to start implementing some of the attachment tools from Adopting/Parenting the Hurt Child, but don't know if I should. Should I just focus on having fun w/them right now and not attaching (easier said than done)?

Any advice?

FWIW, we hope they will be home in a few months, but do not know for sure. Our son's file just exited the Haitian Ministry of the Interior (MOI--last major Haitian step of the process), but our daughter's file is still in MOI. B/c they are bio siblings and very closely attached to each other, we do not want to bring them home one at a time.

Thanks.

[Sierra]

That's a good question. Let me think about it. With which tools were you thinking you might start?

[Diane B]

How long are you staying? Do you have any contact in between visits (letters, photos)? What exactly were you thinking of doing with them?

[candm]

Thanks for helping guys. The only contact we have had since our last visits almost 2 years ago is a care package every 3 months.

I'm just talking lots of intensive holding, snuggling, lotion rubs, just all of hte little activities mentioned in the books.

[pumpkingirl71]

I don't know about the attachment and then leaving part, but those ideas sound REALLY intense. I would think that gradually working them in would be the best. It doesn't sound to me like this trip is the right time...

[SundayCrepes]

I'd think start out fun and see what happens. Whether it's there or here. Too intense could be overwhelming no matter how long the stay.

[Polliwog]

I have to agree. I would not jump in with physical contact. Just have fun with them and see how it goes.

Although, if I remember correctly, you've already adopted these children and are waiting to take them home. Aren't you able to have more frequent contact then care packages every three months?

[RedOakMomma]

Isn't there another mama (she just had a baby recently, right after bringing her son home) who did a lot of visiting of her children while they were in Haiti? Years' worth? And her son is home, but her daughter is still there? Does anyone remember her username or blog? She might be of some help here.

[Aridel]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Isn't there another mama (she just had a baby recently, right after bringing her son home) who did a lot of visiting of her children while they were in Haiti? Years' worth? And her son is home, but her daughter is still there? Does anyone remember her username or blog? She might be of some help here.

I don't remember her MDC username, but I lurk on her blog sometimes.

http://bringinghomekenley.blogspot.com/

I love reading about adoption, but it's just not a possibility for us right now, so I mostly lurk and learn in case that changes!

[Polliwog]

You know what, that's who I was thinking of. But still, is there a way that you can have more frequent contact with the children.

[candm]

We are back from Haiti. We ended up doing lots of snuggling and bonding--at the kids' initiation, not ours. They are starved for affection and wanted lots of snuggling/babying.

Yes, we could have more contact than a care package every 3 months--we could go visit every 3 months. But it costs $5K a trip and we simply cannot afford $20k/year in visits. Plus I do not feel it is beneficial to repeatedly bond with them and then leave. We went this time b/c we were concerned about their health and wanted to see their condition for ourselves (fortunately, our son has put back on most of the weight he lost). We will not go again until we can bring them home. We are now 100% done with the Haitian portion of the process (received the kids' Haitian passports while we were in Haiti). Now we have to wait for USCIS approval and visas which I am told can take 1 to 9 months. We found out while we were there (DH went to USCIS and inspected our file) that our O lied about turning in proof the kids are wards of the state to USCIS. They told us it was done in April. The point was to have USCIS confirm their orphan status while we were still in the Haitian gov't process. Now we still have to wait to go through that.

[Polliwog]

I'm glad your trip went well. I hope that the US stuff gets done quickly so you can bring the kids home.

BTW, I didn't mean that you should visit more often. I know that's not logistically possible. But I was wondering if you were allowed to send regular letters, photos and small packages as well as make phone calls.

[tiffani]

oh my goodness candm, that is so upsetting, to have mistakes like that made. though the orphanage may not have lied, USCIS is not always super on the ball... I can't imagine it taking too long if everything is in place, though if they have to investigate, I guess that's where the 9 month end of the spectrum happens...

hoping for super speedy USCIS processing for you!!!!! glad to hear your babies are doing well, and can't wait to hear you're going to get them!!!!

[candm]

Tiffani, fortunately, I now don't think our orphanage lied. I recontacted USCIS once we returned and asked them to clarify whether the documentation had been filed (didn't want to accuse the O of lying without being 100% sure). USCIS told me there must have been some misunderstanding b/c they DO have the documentation (why they told my husband they didn't is anyone's guess). So, we're still keeping our fingers crossed.

[tiffani]

candm, I've been wondering about your case lately -- what's going on with you guys?

[candm]

Hey Tiffani.

Great news! Our kids have been home for 2 1/2 months. Our files sailed through USCIS the quickest I've heard of. We were shocked and thrilled to travel to pick them up 6 weeks after we returned from our visit in July/August.

Things are going well. The kids seem to have adjusted very well with surprisingly little mourning (though I know it could still manifest itself). They are both excited for Christmas and to start school in January.

It is such a relief to no longer have to worry whether they are getting enough food or are sick.

What is the latest on your adoption? Sorry, I don't follow much on here anymore. Time is so limited.

[tiffani]

oh that's wonderful, I'm so glad they're home with you now and adjusting well so far!!

we're waiting for USCIS approval (I-171h or whatever it's called) to be able to get a court date in Uganda and travel to go get our kids, who are a baby girl, 5 months old, and a little boy around 2.5. I'm hoping to go in January, and I think that's a pretty realistic target. courts close for several weeks in dec/early jan, so we should have all our stuff by the time they re-open in january. very exciting!!!

[RedOakMomma]

candm, is there any word on your children's orphanage? Is there anything we can do directly? I'm so glad your children are home.

[tiffani]

I've been thinking of you as well, glad your kids are safe, and hoping you hear good news about loved ones in Haiti.

[Mamacitac]

Originally Posted by Aridel

I don't remember her MDC username, but I lurk on her blog sometimes.

http://bringinghomekenley.blogspot.com/

I love reading about adoption, but it's just not a possibility for us right now, so I mostly lurk and learn in case that changes!

Ugh Like I need yet ANOTHER awesome blog to read!!
Thanks for posting! she is AMAZING! XO

And OP, I'm so glad your children are home with you. AND safe!