Terminally ill parent and survivorship/house

[barefootmama0709]

My DH's father is terminally ill. He has a lot of health issues brought on by some unhealthy habits (chain smoking, heavy drinking) and at this point he is not going to get better. My DH will be taking him to a lawyer soon to get a right of survivorship document filled out. DH is already grieving the loss of his father-he was only raised by his dad and when he goes he will no longer have a supportive parental figure in his life. The fact that we don't have any real estimate of how long he's going to live only adds to the stress. I am also worried because DH already intends to move into his father's house as soon as his dad is gone and unfortunately I can't agree with that. The house is almost 40 years old and hasn't had any new windows, flooring or appliances in that time. The septic is also too small to run more than one or two loads of laundry a week-with two small children in diapers and DH being a farmer, this is completely unrealistic. The house has also been inhabited by a heavy smoker-all of the carpets would need to be ripped out, all the furniture taken out and the entire house thoroughly deep-cleaned in order to be even habitable. Without this, I cannot have my children living there-it would compromise their health for sure. There are MANY more issues with the house but these are the top ones. When do I bring this up to DH? I know there really isn't a "good" time to talk about something like this, but I think it would be better to talk about it now than after when DH will be too sad to think clearly. Are there others here who have been in a similar situation? What should I do?

[ThirdEyeMom]

DH is in "anticipatory grief"

I am very sorry that you are losing your father-in-law. This is a very stressful time with no way around it. Hubby is in what is called "anticipatory grief". Whether now or later, or both, the grief will come and it is personal, and can take many forms. He will need to deal with the grief through all of this and any other decisions he'll have to take. As long as his dad is still alive and with you, if DH and FIL can make decisions together (kind of funeral, monument, collecting documents and photos, etc.) it may be theraputic for him to the extent that their last memories will be knowing DH and your family has done all the best that can be done under your circumstances. Hubby needs to feel that there are no regrets once his dad passes. Just know that what you are going through is "normal" grief process.

About the house: The best advice I ever heard was to not make decisions for about a year, and I would suggest this to hubby. In that time, he may change his mind about what to do many times over. In that year, DH and you can visit the house. DH can relive memories. Once the house changes with updates, etc., which sounds like it is needed anyway, it might not be the same to him as it once was. Just suggest this as a coping mechanism and support. I am sorry I have nothing else to offer. (I have had six deaths in my family over two-and one-half years. The manifestation of losing a loved one takes on all kinds of family twists and turns as everyone deals with their grief and the hole left in their life.) I hope I have helped in some way.