Would I be crazy to try SMC now?

[KCMommy]

I could use a little feedback. I have a 4.5 yo DD and a 20 mo DD. The littlest is still nursing every few hours but I just got my period back this week. Sooooo.. now that I am fertile again I am thinking babies again.

The problem is that I have been seperated for about 10 months but we have barely scratched the surface of the seperation/divorce proceedings. We don't even have a formal custody or child support order yet. STBX still retains all our assets and most of our debt is in my name. Once division of property occurs, this debt will most likely be covered but he is clinging tightly to every investment, and vehicle and piece of property we own at the moment.

I live in the same town as my two sisters, who have kids, and my mother. So I do have a support network in spite of being a solo mama. I have actually never been away from my 20 mo for more than 3 hours straight and only ever spent one night away from my 4.5 yo (when giving birth to DD2), but this is mainly by choice.

Aside from the old marital debt that will hopefully work itselft out in the divorce proceedings, I am on fairly stable financial ground. I own a small commercial daycare with a few child care workers and I am not actually responsible for a group myself unless giving breaks or if a worker calls in sick. So, in theory, I shouldn't have to take any time off after a new baby was born.

I am about 30 lbs overweight, to be thinking about conceiving, but am healthy. I am 30 years old and want my kiddos to be fairly close in ages. I have zero interest in entering another relationship.

I don't want to ask my family what they think about this plan yet, because they will probably say I am nuts, but what do you Mamas think.... should I start looking into a donor sperm pregnancy?

[josybear]

i would wait until the divorce is final. in some places any child a woman has is automatically the child of her husband, too, regardless of paternity. things are going to be complicated enough for a while without adding another baby to the mix. if i were you i would aggressively pursue a divorce and get everything finalized, then get on with my life.

[RasJi7]

Your childcare set-up sounds great. I also haven't been away from my little one for more than 3 hours I am working on getting a child or two to look after and other wokr from home (local) opportunities.
Your plan sounds good to me. If this is what you want to do- just tell your family when you are ready. It doesn't matter if they think you are nuts- if you feel in your heart that there is one missing from your family- then I feel you have to act on that. I feel like there is more than one missing from mine

^^oh! agree with poster above- divorce, then another kiddo. I missed that part. For your own closure- right?

[lilyka]

i think you have a lot going on in your life right now. I think it would be a bad idea to bring a baby into the mix now. not fair to anyone involved. and really in the middle of the divorce you want your head in the game. not distracted by a pregnancy. and no matter what your dh says now he could change his tune. and being pregnant with another child in the middle of all this could look irresponsible to a court if it comes down to a custody battle.

why not wait until you really are through the divorce and then some. i can't believe what a roller coaster ride tha last year has been!! and just when i think, ok ...here is where I am at and this is ok, EVERTHING changes!

really i would at least wait until every detail of the divorce and custody was finalized. until the last hearing was heard and the last paper signed. but I would really recommend longer.

[Shiloh]

I agree, divorce then when all the dust has settled evaluate your life.

What about adopting or fostering?

[KCMommy]

Thanks so much for the replies.

I agree it would make sense to wait until the divorce is settled, but that could take years. My littlest might be in school before the babe would even be born.

I just love how my two DDs are best friends right now and I don't want the third to be a way younger after-thought. I had a full brother who was significantly older than me and I never really got to know him. He was off to college before my earliest memories.

I guess I figured that with donor insemination it takes a few months to chart cycles, etc, then several months of trying to conceive, then of course 9 months of pregnancy. So babe wouldn't arrive until at least a year and a half from now. Or is the process easier/faster than that?

Thanks!

[ElliesMomma]

talk with a divorce lawyer. it is pretty standard clause that the wife is not pregnant, and if you are, it will complicate matters a lot.

focus on getting the divorce final. it sounds like you are well and truly done with your STBX -- so why will it take years to finalize the divorce? if you both want it done, get it done.

so what if your kids are 3 years apart, or 4 years apart? i can't imagine how your divorce could take 10 or more years to finalize, and your kids would be 15 years apart....

[KCMommy]

Well, I guess I am just figuring the divorce will take years since its been 10 months without accomplishing anything - not even an interim custody arrangement - except spending $5600 on lawyers. And now my lawyer wants us to wait until December to start any proceedings so that my residency will be in my current territory and the children's status quo living arrangements will be unquestionable.

But deep down I know everyone is right. I suppose it would be like entering into a rebound relationship before dust had settled. I especially don't want to do anything that would look bad for a judge. Since STBX and I are on complete unspeaking terms, I am sure most every decision will have to be court ordered.

[lilyka]

there is just so much more to consider than how far apart they are. how will having different father effect them? when the older ones go off to dads who will the third feel? how will that effect their closeness?

if every decision is going to be court ordered anyway why not just get to court? my divorce seemed to be going no where and then all of a sudden it was over. but if your lawyer isn't moving you may want to consider a new lawyer....

also if you haven't gotten anywhere in 10 months whose to say you will have gotten anywhere in a year? what if you end up in court post partum? how will that effect you?

also owning your own business in a divorce is tricky. i could have completely crashed my xh business. it would have been stupi as it is what supports my children and I so I wouldn't have touched it with a 10 foot pole but your husband may not be that kind of smart. depending on how the court order goes you could lose your business. in which case you would lose your job. its not likely but it is possible. technically he is entitled to half your business. what if he asks for it? do you have that kind of money?

honestly spacing of your kids is really the least of the concerns here. There are so many ways your whole family will suffer if you intentionally bring another chind into the middle of this chaos. i had a pretty smooth and easy divorce compared to what it sounds like you are going through I cannot imagine how much it would have hurt my girls and I to add another one to the mix, not to mention the baby. I want more kids so badly but i just think it would have been selfish to add one in the middle of that kind of chaos. when babies come to us inexpectedly that happens and we make the best of really bad timing. but to intentionally do it.....just seems irresponsible and selfish. and htink your xh may see it that way and perhaps judges too. and if he even has the slightest inkling of fighting for custody this will definitely push him over the edge and likely give him leverage. you are in the middle of a battle (and it sounds like a tough one too) what are you willing to lose for this baby? really a few years here and there does not define how close siblings are. my friends family has good grief...23 years between the youngest and the oldest and they are all so very close. age is not an issue. it wil be your job to foster the bond between siblings regardless of their age gap but how will you do that if you are knee deep in the middle of a really ugly divorce battle?

[pinetree]

What's SMC?

I gather it has to do with getting pregnant... I'd wait on that until after the divorce is final. You don't want H trying to fight you for rights to this child.

[Shiloh]

Most family court judges are pretty old school. They might think oh she has her hands full with a new baby - give the ex the kids. I think you look like a great mother now to a judge now - works with kids, has good relationship with family. I also think your STBX might also suggest that you have a man and are hiding that fact and should give you less support.

Kids also go through the divorce process. If they are close and relatively stable now, don't rock that boat. They need your attention and a new baby really takes away your eyes and arms!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by lilyka

i think you have a lot going on in your life right now. I think it would be a bad idea to bring a baby into the mix now. not fair to anyone involved. and really in the middle of the divorce you want your head in the game. not distracted by a pregnancy. and no matter what your dh says now he could change his tune. and being pregnant with another child in the middle of all this could look irresponsible to a court if it comes down to a custody battle.

:

[Rosehip]

Not the time.

If you think you may be gearing up for a relatively nasty divorce, DEFINITELY not the time. Getting pregnant will throw huge legal and emotional wrenchs in the works, for both you and your kids.

Timing for potential future children should be low down on the priorities right now.

[guestmama9944]

If KC means Kansas City, and if that means Kansas City MO, I'll tell you that MO will not let you get divorced if you're pregnant AND MO will assume that the baby's father is your STBX.

For example, when a momma delivers in MO who is married but the baby is not the husband's, the husband has to sign an affidavit stating the baby is not his and the father of the baby has to sign one as well. Relatively simple, not sure how it'd work in your proposed situation though.

Just food for thought, not to mention that there are a ton of things going on in your life right now. I think people who are seperated but not-yet-divorced downplay how emotionally draining the divorce process actually is. They tend to think that the seperation is the hardest part (and for some, it probably is) and after that they "feel" divorced and don't need to give themselves much time afterwards to process it. Just my opinion, of course, as a seperated but not-yet-divorced momma Who can judge what you can and cannot handle right now but you?

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by wendyjoe

I think people who are seperated but not-yet-divorced downplay how emotionally draining the divorce process actually is. They tend to think that the seperation is the hardest part (and for some, it probably is) and after that they "feel" divorced and don't need to give themselves much time afterwards to process it.

As someone who has spent the last year and a half slogging through a physical separation, then divorce negotiations, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Even when the grief and shock of him moving out was behind me, the awfulness of the process itself (legal shockers, having to bare the ugliness of your marriage to strangers, the heft of making decisions that will impact your and your children's lives until they are at least 18 - 21 in my state, the expense of legal fees, and the hassle of having to juggle lawyer appointments and calls) was a real roller coaster.

[lilyka]

Amen to that.

[guestmama9944]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

As someone who has spent the last year and a half slogging through a physical separation, then divorce negotiations, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Even when the grief and shock of him moving out was behind me, the awfulness of the process itself (legal shockers, having to bare the ugliness of your marriage to strangers, the heft of making decisions that will impact your and your children's lives until they are at least 18 - 21 in my state, the expense of legal fees, and the hassle of having to juggle lawyer appointments and calls) was a real roller coaster.

I think the finality of the divorce and the decisions made have more impact than people tend to think they will, and people who end up with a somewhat amicable seperation can be blindsided by those feelings. They thought they were over it, come to find out they just weren't dealing with it. Not a good place to be making more long-term decisions, IMO. Once again, coming from someone who's not-yet-divorced. Haven't quite found my trigger finger

[lilyka]

i found this to be true. it took about 8 months between learning about the affair and finalizing the divorce. I had seen those papers a MILLION times. read. reviosed. swapped. read. revised. edited. I am still shocked by how hard it hit me when I signed them. it was possibly the most pain I experianced in the whole process short of watching him move his stuff out. it was awful. and things got pretty ugly in the divorce process. but there was something so grief filled in severing that last cord. it knocked me out for quite a while. I was a mess.

[KCMommy]

Thanks again for the thoughts. I know you are all right and I'm sure I will wait. But not too long, probably. We'll be a year seperated in December and able to move along on a divorce then, so I might revisit the issue then. At least after we settle custody. He has zero interest in our own children, so I can't imagine he would go after a donor sperm child, but I don't want to prejudice a judge against me, even if I think I am emotionally ready to conceive again.

As for a PPs mention of possibly losing my business and job - I started it well after seperation so I should be fine there.

[Shiloh]

I think its also a normal reaction to loss. (loss of the abilty to grow your brood)
When you are married you can in your mind "get pregnant anytime".
After a man leaves you think oh crap it might be years if ever again.