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Am I Out of Line? - Page 2

post #21 of 26
Thread Starter 
If you read all of my posts, you would know that its not a lifetime commitment. its a temporary one to wean them off of him so its not so shocking for them. I am planning things to save up and prepare to leave if necessary. I am not going into this blindly. DP was really hurt by the fact that I might want to leave because he isn't ready because he is growing into things well. We both want to continue and see how things go, As of now, no one is leaving and we are happy, I don't want to ruin that because it MAY not work out. There is still a good chance it will. Anything has to potential to not work out, even marriages, one can never be 100% sure about anything. I will say again we have a GOOD relationship. DPs only worry is the kids. He also wasn't even worried until I said something about it. This is something I brought up not him. It's something to ponder and consider, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or that I should leave out of fear. I try not to make fear-based decisions. I don't think people are judging ME, mostly judging HIM. He does not feel trapped. If he did he would let me know. Also, even if we do break up, I will not be forced to leave. I can still live here as long as I need. That was the plan before we started our relationship.
post #22 of 26
Originally Posted by natural_mama89 View Post
I don't think people are judging ME, mostly judging HIM...
I didn't have the impression anyone was judging him. If a young man says he's not ready to get married, or acknowledges that kids who are not his aren't his, he's not doing anything wrong. It's not exactly stellar of him to live with kids and let them get attached to him if he has no idea whether he's going to be a permanent part of their life, but looking after their best interests is their parent's job, not really his.

I think some people's concern - based on your original post - was that instead of accepting what he told you (that he wasn't ready to make a commitment), you were trying to convince yourself he meant the opposite of what he said, or trying to convince him to change his position...and that if he then turned around and said, "No, I do feel committed to your kids," he might be just telling you what you want to hear, because he feels pressured. The larger concern being, if your kids already have problems with their dad, it will be hard on them to have a better father-figure come along, but then also pass out of their lives.

However, from reading your additional posts, it sounds like you are still working out what you think commitment should mean and you've concluded you are satisfied with the way things stand between the two of you? Again, I wish you all the best.
post #23 of 26
Thread Starter 
it wasn't that I didn't accept that he wasn't ready. it was that I initially felt that the fact that he isn't ready meant that he doesn't love me. Although some people on here seem to think that is the case, I know him and I know it is not. That was the problem I was having. I didn't really understand him at that point so I thought his feelings must have meant that he didn't love me or want to be with me, in which case I didn't know if I should just leave to spare the impending doom. Now I really know how he actually feels and the fact that he never didn't love me. I was more questioning myself than him, wondering about similar situations, if my feelings were normal, etc. Though I still may feel compelled at some point in the future to leave If I cant handle it anymore, that will be because I cannot wait anymore, not because he is wrong for not being ready. At this point I am perfectly content continuing the relationship as is while preparing for the potential of leaving at some point. It not like he will never be ready. But i need to give him the time to come to whatever conclusion he can on his own without me bothering him about it. If its meant to be it will be, if not I am definitely not worse off from having this relationship. I am in a far better position now than I was a year ago, and so are my children.
post #24 of 26
You are not out of line
post #25 of 26
I'm also a "young mama" (I'm 24, had DS 3 months before my 21st). When I first started dating my now husband, that was a major concern of mine also. I told DH that I was concerned about the effect it would have on DS if we were to break up. We were also friends for about 3 years before we started dating. We moved in about 6-8 months after we started dating, (he proposed a week before we agreed to move in together), and got married a year after we moved in together. Anyways, when we first started dating, I remember specifically leaving DS with him (DS was about 6 months old) at the boat landing while I went to get the boat. DS cried and cried (he was at that age), and DH said "I don't think I can do kid's, I really don't think I can do this". DH now is DS' Daddy, we are foster parents, ttc, etc. He fell head over heals for DS, and can't imagine life without him. I gave my DH the same pep talk it sounds like you gave your partner. I told him that I would not progress with a relationship if he wasn't fully committed to DS. When we got married, DH "married" my son as well as me. I asked him if we broke up, that he still be a part of DS's life, or transition out. I think those are normal things that single mama's do to protect their children.

As far as OP's talking about the conditions in which you moved in with your friend/boyfriend. If I had the choice to become homeless, live in a shelter, live with my abusive ex, or move in with my friend, I would chose move in with my friend. Because it is the most cleanest/safest/reliable choice out of the above. Infact, DH (before we started dating) almost moved in together as a roommate kind of thing, just because it would have benefited BOTH of us. I made the personal choice to live on my own with DS for many reasons, one of which I needed to prove to myself before getting in a relationship that I could fully support my son and me. I needed to know that if anything happened to DH, like we broke up, that I could support DS by myself.

I would say to have a back up plan. If you two broke up now, would you have somewhere to go, or would you be faced with the same choices as before?
post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you Tynme. I was going crazy with the people saying I did not make a reasonable choice to begin with. I trust my BF and his family and that is why I chose to move in here, though originally, it was supposed to be temporary.

As of now I do not have an alternative living arrangement, but I am more financially able to find another place now if need be. I also think I mentioned before that I would not be put out on the street. I am still allowed to stay here as long as I need as a roommate situation no matter where our relationship goes. I am planning to save as much as I can to have something to fall back on if I do end up needing to move out. I am also trying to get to a point where I can be ok with it if things do end up not working out. I will not hate him. I understand why he isnt ready right now and that is ok. I have made it very clear that I may find the need to call it quits at some point, not sure when that may be or if it will even happen.

Right now, I really do not thinks that is in the cards. All of his plans still include me. He will be driving the kiddos to Montessori School each day as I have a class a half hour before they need to be at school. He is still helping me and the kids in every way possible. We have talked a lot about this and he has never said he does not want to be with me, or that he will never want kids. He does want kids of his own even, just not right now. Most of my worry I think was my own issues surrounding rejection and abandonment from my childhood. I have gotten so used to loosing everything that I started to panic that he must be next, just out of what I am used to. We are both learning and growing in this process and I do not want to bail out now out of insecurity only. He has not wronged me, and I am preparing for the worst.
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