Questions: Life After Birth

[TransDad27]

Hi all! I don't post much, and in fact don't have much of a chance to get on here often. Mostly my partner keeps me updated.

I had some questions about how our life is going to be different after birth, and was hoping some of you who already have 2 (or more) children could offer me ideas, tips, suggestions or just sharing stories about how their life changed for better or worse and how they coped.

A bit about us: I'm a transguy (no t or surgery so most people read me as a girl) and my partner is a genetic female. We have a 5 1/2 yr old daughter who needs a lot of attention and has a hard time entertaining herself. My partner is due at the end of August with our second child. I had not yet met my partner when she had her first child. I came into the picture when she was about 2 1/2. We both work part-time (me working a little more than my partner). When the baby comes my partner will go on maternity leave and I will be taking (hopefully) 2 wks off work so we can all be home to get adjusted.

I'm wondering how different it is with the second child changing the picture, as well as examples of how life will be with a newborn. I'm not really worried about caring for the newborn, and understand what their needs will mostly be. I'm wondering how your relationship changed with your partner because of the addition to the family (alone/adult time, sex, etc). How did your 1st born adjust? (I realize all kids are different in this aspect). Also (and I know this is a hard one to answer because all births are different) but how long was your recovery time after birth? Did you spend a lot of time in bed? How long if so? How did you deal with taking care of the 1st born (along with the newborn as well as your partner)? Anything that can speed up the recovery process (herbs, vitamins, etc?). I want my baby and my partner to be healthy and have a speedy recovery so we can get back to our normal everyday family life as soon as possible. I love my family very much...and I just want to get some ideas ahead of time of what to expect so that I can be more ready. We've already had a challenging pregnancy (with some complications) which has put my partner on bedrest many times already so I'm trying to summon up what caregiver energy that I have left.

I much appreciate it! Thanks!

[megincl]

Welcome and congrats on the upcoming addition to your family!

I'm not fully qualified to answer, as #2 remains elusive for us, but I can answer as the non-bio parent about life post-birth. And, my kiddo is rather intense, so maybe some ideas on that front too.

First off, with your daughter, I would do as much talking, reading about, imagining about, etc what life will be like once there's a new babe. You can role play situations. Like, "tonight you can get your teeth brushed, hands and face washed all by yourself, just like after the baby comes. You're going to be such a great big sister!" Something that gives a nudge towards independence but also acknowledges that it's happening for an exciting reason. You could also make a list together of things your daughter likes to do that are a bit independent. You could talk about how sometimes her parents will be busy with the new babe/resting/etc and that one way she can help is by choosing something from the list. But also let her know that she'll STILL get lots of one-on-one time, lots of cuddles, etc. Because the thought of losing that can make a kiddo (at least it would mine) even MORe clingy. You might also investigate audio books (great ones at the library or online), podcasts, etc that could provide a bit of diversion.

In terms of life getting "back to normal," I'd have to say that there was no return to how life was. I think there will be a period of adjustment until you all fall into the new normal, but you have no idea what that new normal will be. I know for me that's a bit terrifying, but also exciting (and #2 isn't even "in the oven" yet!). My wife wasn't physically back to normal for 6-8 weeks post partum. She was tired physically and emotionally from birth, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation. I fed her, made sure she was hydrated, cuddled our babe, assured her it was fine if we BOTH ignored our house. Don't try to keep everything perfect or cook great food or anything like that. Focus on the baby, your wife, and your daughter, and then do the bare minimum for everything else. I don't think you'll regret that focus and that time.

Good luck!
megin

[lexbeach]

Our fourth baby is one month old, and I think life feels "normal" again, but it's pretty recent. My wife had a natural birth with only one small tear (no stitches needed), but it took her a full two weeks to feel comfortable moving around, and more like 4 weeks before she could go on even relatively short walks (i.e. 1.5 miles). She has needed to nap with the baby every afternoon since his birth. She definitely doesn't feel "normal" yet, physically.

It was hard for me at first to feel like the older kids were my responsibility and the baby was dw's responsibility; I wanted to just be spending time with him too! But it helped to remind myself repeatedly that soon enough things would balance out, dw would be able to resume her duties with the big kids, and there would be more space for me to take care of the baby. And we're definitely already at that point, dw puts our two oldest kids to bed every night, and I usually wear the baby while I do the dishes, and most of the time we move through the world as a six-pack.

Re: sex, adult time, etc. I think that really varies from family to family. For couples for whom those things are critical, there's surely a way to make time from very early on (though it will require baby-sitters or friends/family helping out). We get alone-with-baby (no big kids) time every evening when the big kids are in bed, and that feels like enough for right now. We'll probably start a weekly date night (bringing baby with us) in the fall, and probably won't start leaving him behind until he's a year old. But we have plenty of friends who have left their new babies before they're even two months old, to go out to dinner or a movie or whatever, and I think it will just depend on your comfort level.

Congrats on becoming a Papa!

Lex

ETA: For me, I do feel like my wife is more her normal self post-birth than she was pregnant, and she has more energy, and is happier too.

[simcon]

To me, it was looking for a new "normal" too (like Megin)--but in terms of major physical recovery, it also took me 6 weeks or so for my energy level and stamina to be closer to what it had been. That said, emotionally, I was so relieved to have the baby out that I was "back* in that way right away (those last few weeks of pregancy were tough for me!) But others have more of an issue with baby blues, etc., so that's not universal. And I think having the time and space to recover is crucial--your dp will have more bleeding if she pushes herself too much, and possibly issues with breastfeeding, etc. I don't think there's really a way of speeding it up, except by honoring the process and by your partner listening to her body and calibrating her activity (i.e. if you rush things, it's possible to have the recovery take longer)

I have found that with two, where we used to get a break sometimes, now it's mostly that one of us takes care of one child and one the other (i.e. bedtimes). So that's a bit tougher. That said, our 6 y.o. loves engaging the (now 7 month) baby, and the baby is very entertained by her, so that is lovely to see, and lets us out of the "entertainer" role at times. I also think encouraging independence where age appropriate with things like tooth brushing, getting in and out of the car, getting dressed, bathing/showering is a great idea, though I might stay away from linking it to the baby's arrival as far as possible.

Keeping bedtime for the older one early enough so that we can get some us time or baby-only time in the evening seems to be the way to go for us, though we are not always as disciplined as I'd like to be with that. When we do well with it, though, things feel better, for sure. As far as things like sex go, if you read the dd clubs here of those with newborns, I think you'll see a wide range of experiences with levels of interest/physical comfort with penetration/being "touched out" with breastfeeding--I suspect our queer experiences have a similar range.

Good luck with the transition--I hope it all goes well! And though newborn care seems all-consuming at times, it's good to keep in mind that it is also a brief period--I find that perspective easier to keep with #2 than I did with #1, so you and your partner may have different perspectives on that since if I'm reading you correctly, this will be your first newborn.

And congrats!!

[lyn_ftst]

We are two months into our second kiddo (I gave birth) and have a 3 year old daughter (my wife gave birth).

It is much different this time. Does your daughter have any outside care? I.e. will she, say, be in school some of the time once the baby arrives? Our daughter is in preschool 3 days a week, and it was a good idea to keep her in even though we both had leave for these first couple months. For us, that has been critical for our sanity, to get some time just us with the baby, and I think it's been really important for our daughter to have someplace that is still "normal" and a space where it's not all-baby-all-the-time. We have found the transition with her to be somewhat challenging, but it's been much more about our lack of sleep than any real problems on her part. We just have much much less patience for a typical three-year-old than we used to. On the nights I get decent sleep, I am a much better parent to her, and the same goes for my wife.

In terms of recovery, I am only now, at almost 10 weeks, getting back to something approximating recovered (I rode my bike for the first time today!), but I also had a very intense birth with a lot of repair work and recovery needed. My care providers were very insistent that I not even leave the house for two weeks, and I mostly laid down or sat in my "nursing chair" for those two weeks. That was definitely an intense time for my wife as well. We had family and community support (and our family actually helps ). but it was still quite hard for her to try to balance the needs of our older daughter, the house, me and the baby. By 3-ish weeks I was doing short walks.

From my experience as a non-gestating parent, especially if you only have two weeks home, prioritize your time with the baby. Certainly prioritize this over house maintenance, and try to balance with the needs of your older daughter. In the times that the baby isn't nursing, take the time to snuggle and connect. Maybe your partner can use this time to do something quiet with your older child, read a book or play a game. In all of the chaos, and with everyone needing so much from you, it can be hard to remember that you need to bond with the baby, too. This was important with our first, but it's even more important for the second kid, because there are so many pressures, and so many more needs, that your relationship with your new baby really can get lost in the shuffle.

Here are a couple posts by my wife about her experiences these few months:
http://firsttimesecondtime.blogspot....m-is-hard.html
http://firsttimesecondtime.blogspot....to-parent.html

Good luck!
--Lyn

[[Edited to fix links]]

[TransDad27]

Thanks

Thanks everyone for your responses. A bit more to answer everyone's questions...

No, our daughter doesn't have outside care. She's in half day summer camps right now, but they end next week. In the fall she won't be in school, as my wife plans on home schooling her. We don't really have a "community" here, which I know is surprising for Ithaca...but most gay people I know here are young and kid-less. We had some friends for back up watch daughter during labor and/or a few hrs here or there after birth but several of those friends have had 1st babies of their own over the last few months and now feel unable to watch our kid on top of. My parents live out of town, and are both partially disabled. My wife's mom lives in town, but they are not talking and haven't been for several months. Her other family lives half way across the country.

The healing part seems pretty intense-esp for you Lyn. I really hope and pray that all goes well and "easy" for my wife, as other adjustments will be tricky enough without other physical stuff going on as well with her (I already have a broken wrist, luckily it's on the mend-finally!)

I do too, worry about how the baby won't "need" me. It's already that way with our daughter and my wife (since I didn't come into the picture until she was 2 1/2 and already fully and totally bonded to Mama). Some days that's still really hard for me, although sometimes in the back of my head hope that this one might be "for" me. You know, how different babies come for different people and all that. We were talking to our midwife about that at our last appt and she thinks that one of her children came for her and the other for her husband. Still, it will be really tricky because the baby doesn't really have a need for me. I won't be the one with the milk and smell good smells.

Thanks again...

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by TransDad27

I do too, worry about how the baby won't "need" me. It's already that way with our daughter and my wife (since I didn't come into the picture until she was 2 1/2 and already fully and totally bonded to Mama). Some days that's still really hard for me, although sometimes in the back of my head hope that this one might be "for" me. You know, how different babies come for different people and all that. We were talking to our midwife about that at our last appt and she thinks that one of her children came for her and the other for her husband. Still, it will be really tricky because the baby doesn't really have a need for me. I won't be the one with the milk and smell good smells.

This was definitely an issue for me in the days immediately following our baby's birth . . . probably up until the 2 or 3 week mark. But now, at 6 weeks, I absolutely feel like our baby needs me. Our care of him feels very balanced even though dw is the primary breastfeeder (I nurse him mostly just for comfort, once or twice a day, never in place of a feed) and does all of his nighttime parenting. I think it shifted once he started being awake more and needing more than just someone to lie next to in bed. He needs to be entertained, walked around, bounced, etc. nearly all day long, and I can't imagine how a single parent would do it, even without older children to care for.

So, yes, definitely be prepared to feel less-needed in the first few weeks, but know that that will shift very soon. Our baby ds cries in my wife's arms just as often as he cries in my arms, and settles instantly for each of us when we pass him off to each other. Sometimes he wants dw, and sometimes he wants me. It really doesn't feel any different at this point than it did with the babies I gave birth to, aside from the fact that dw is much more involved this time (she was working super full-time when our other babies were born).

Blessings for your birth!

Lex