What is your 6 year old like?

[dillonandmarasmom]

DS turned 6 in April. He is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde. He goes from being a sweet, thoughtful and articluate boy to a screaming and pinching monster in less than 30 seconds.

I know a lot of it is because he and his sister tend to butt heads over little things. But, it also can come from nowhere.

The other day at our neighbor's (the kids visit the 5 year old there often and vice versa), apparently the 5 year old girl wasn't ready to play, was sitting on her couch sucking her thumb and otherwise ignoring DS and DD. Well, DD just wandered into the 5 year old's room while DS decides to start calling her stupid and telling her that he hates her. Lovely, yes? It wasn't until the five year old's mom told DS he'd have to return home that he said he was sorry and they began playing fine.

These episodes where he is saying someone is stupid or an idiot, yelling at me that he hates me, etc, coem and go throughout the day. Typically there is a trigger, something happens he isn't happy about, whatever.

FTR, he eats very well, sleeps well, and is generally very healthy.


So....what's your 6 year old like (or what were they like)?

[Valval]

Mine is a a whiny, complaining, mean, nothing is good enough, woe is me, mess, if she doesn't clock 11 hours of sleep at night. She turned 6 in June and I guess about the beginning of July she basically went a bit manic on us. Waking up in a foul mood and the rest of us just had better get out of her way. I have a home daycare and the other children look at her like she's a nut when she really gets going.

She also went through a heck of a growth spurt and was lucky that gypsies weren't passing through town.

It's been rough, but it has finally smoothed out. We are making rootin-tootin sure she is in bed by 8:30 and she probably won't be allowed back on the computer until she is married with her own children. I don't know why that works with her, but it's like she's soothed by me limiting her media time. She doesn't get a lot so it's usually a complete break and when I have to resort to it she just seems so relaxed by it, almost relieved. She's already past when I said she would be allowed to use the computer again, but I'll just wait until she asks to use it.
She's pretty much back to her sweet self, but we're not tempting the gods by messing with her bedtime anytime soon.

Anyway, six is rough. Two of my Daycare girls will be turning 6 soon and I guess I should just outfit the other kids with earplugs and bubble wrap. I'm actually pretty apprehensive about it. 3 six year olds?
Oh the poor 1st grade teachers.

[jenners26]

Oh...thank god it's not just mine! It's been bad enough, that DH and I were even reevaluating Radically Unschooling for a time!

Like Val said, nothing is EVER good enough. He's volitile and cranky and seriously more demanding than my two toddlers put together! He's loud and sssoooooo persistant! And suddenly, me saying, "I'm in the middle of changing Autumn's diaper, give me a minute and I'll get you a glass of milk," will lead to a screaming, crying why-do-you-hate-me temper tantrum.

The personality change caught us so off guard that I did a little research on child developement, and apparently Six is similar in many ways to puberty. Lots of hormonal-type changes going on. Not that it makes it any more pleasant to deal with, but I'm trying to approach him as I would a moody, PMS'y teenage girl! (You know, offer comfort, ignore the for-no-reason crankiness, and then come gripe about it on MDC!)

[dillonandmarasmom]

Okay, feeling a bit better.

It's funny how some days it just feels like he has to have his explosion of emotion before he can settle into the day. I went out to a meeting tonight, after a hellish day, and when I returned, he was so calm and loving. Hmm.

Yes, the unschooling has been under the microscope lately. We are very close to putting him in a school situation--more because he'd like to than because we want to. But, it's very much a relief to think I may do that and have some relief from his moodiness.

Thanks for the responses...

[meemee]

mine is v. close to her 7th bday.

how is she?

totally hormonal.

like a teenager.

mood swing like PMSing.

everyone around her does not understand her. no one gets what she wants.

and she is a big girl. why wont anyone just let her do the thing she wants like walking over to our neighbours house two doors down without mommy following.

full of angst adn frustration. she feels alone. all those feelings coursing thru her.

life is unfair she says. she hates making choices because they are not choices. she wants both. 'why cant i have both mommy. its so hard mommy. you decide for me.'

[jsneuser]

Mine will be 6 in Dec. and in the last month has really become unbearable at times. She freaks out at the drop of a hat. I feel bad for her 3yo sister because she doesn't have to do much more than go near her and gets yelled at or hit. She's been talking back a lot and saying that I'm a bully when I discuss something with her that she'd rather not talk about. I can't stand it- the best I can come up with is "stop with your attitude" and "we don't talk to you like that".
I'm hoping that since so many others are having the same issue it's something she'll grow out of. We are going to try getting her to bed earlier and hope it makes a difference

[waiflywaif]

I'll be the dissenter---six is great. Way better than 5. I find my DD to be helpful, funny, interesting, and pretty much all-around good company. She has her moments, but they are much fewer than they were at 5.

[seriosa]

So relieved to read most of the posts (except yours, waifly ) I don't know a lot of kids IRL and was wondering why my lovely boy had suddenly become such a tantruming, demanding, bad-mannered brat. Not all time, perhaps not even most of the time, but when his mood goes bad (usually for the silliest most insignifcant reasons), I really don't know how to handle him. The comparison with a teenager is way helpful in understanding. As is knowing its "normal". Thanks for posting.

[treehugginhippie]

I thought this wouldn't happen to AP raised children . I tried to raise her very compasionately but she is NOT. DD (5.5 yrs) is currently screaming at me while she is getting dressed. She has made a total 180 since her sister was born. She is mean to her, yells and screams, refuses to do things we ask sometimes...no matter how it is presented. She is just plain unbearable at times. DH gets so mad at me because of how she acts.

[LifeIZBeautiful]

Me, me! I wan tot rant!

My DD is almost 7 and is finally turning a corner. Until now she has been unbearable!!

Hormones, YES!~ Yelling, kicking her brother, tellingme some pretty awful things, wanting to cut off heads...YIKES!!

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

I'll be the dissenter---six is great. Way better than 5. I find my DD to be helpful, funny, interesting, and pretty much all-around good company. She has her moments, but they are much fewer than they were at 5.

I agree. She does do this self-pity thing when she doesn't get what she wants where she says stuff like, "I understand everyone hates me." or "I'm stupid and I dont like myself." but for the vast majority of the time everything is great.

[dillonandmarasmom]

Well, that seals the deal...he's not alone.

[lovinlife1219]

I actually came on here looking for a thread similar to this one and I am relieved to find it. My son is 5.5 and we are having such a hard time figuring him out. He is so sweet, compassionate, articulate, and imaginative at times and (seems like more often than not) he is angry or frustrated, or grabbing things from someone or saying I'm a "meanie" or that I'm not his mom anymore. Totally out of nowhere. He and I were such buddies and it saddens my heart that I feel so much frustration towards him most of the time now.

We homeschool and love that aspect, but of course people around me tell me that his behavior is this way because he isn't in school. Today someone told me "put him in preschool so he can get out of the house!" It sucks. I don't believe that is the problem...

[treehugginhippie]

Originally Posted by lovinlife1219

I actually came on here looking for a thread similar to this one and I am relieved to find it. My son is 5.5 and we are having such a hard time figuring him out. He is so sweet, compassionate, articulate, and imaginative at times and (seems like more often than not) he is angry or frustrated, or grabbing things from someone or saying I'm a "meanie" or that I'm not his mom anymore. Totally out of nowhere. He and I were such buddies and it saddens my heart that I feel so much frustration towards him most of the time now.

We homeschool and love that aspect, but of course people around me tell me that his behavior is this way because he isn't in school. Today someone told me "put him in preschool so he can get out of the house!" It sucks. I don't believe that is the problem...

This is exactly our situation too. And I'll be HS this year. I'm going to try and socialize DD more come the school year...gymnastics and music class. She loves to be around other kids. I hope this will help. But yes, this is us too

OT: My screen name on another forum is lovinglife too

[KweenKrunch]

Is there any way your DD could be suffering from the effects of pregnancy or birth trauma? Was her pregnancy planned/well accepted? Did anything stressful happen while you were pregnant? How was the birth? Assisted home, hospital, UC? Any complications? Was the father involved? A lot of times unresolved issues from that time can manifest themselves as behavioral problems much later in life.

Alternatively, sometimes food sensitivities can cause erratic behavior. A lot of times you can find out the culprits by going on a strict TED.

I find 6 to be a good age. Not perfect, but certainly not difficult either. However, my 6-year-old has been rebirthed, and we are vegans, so I think that helps a lot of it. Not that she doesn't have her moments, though!

[transformed]

Um. I have a 19 month old, a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old. I am lucky to be alive.

(Sitting under my bed sucking my thumb.)

[transformed]

Originally Posted by KweenKrunch

However, my 6-year-old has been rebirthed, and we are vegans, so I think that helps a lot of it. Not that she doesn't have her moments, though!

what is rebirthed? :

[Viola]

Originally Posted by seriosa

So relieved to read most of the posts (except yours, waifly )

I think experiences and developmental stages can vary so much from child to child. My first daughter was so much fun at age 3, but age 4 was horrible for me. My sister's kids seemed easier at 4 than 3, however, and 3 was much worse than 2.

I have a child who will be 6 in October. I feel like I've had issues with her since she hit about 2 or 3. She can be really sweet at times, and almost maniacal in her happiness, but can be angry, rude and have tantrums and insult me and hit me. And then when I express any kind of unhappiness at her poor behavior, she seems to take it as total abnegation. I can sympathize with that because I felt like that as a child, but the difference was I was a people pleaser. My 5 year old will consistently do things I've told her are not good to do, and right after being talked to and told what the consequences are, she deliberately does it, as a kind of defiance. Sometimes she'll laugh and say how funny it is and how she loves to do it. And then, when met with the consequences, it's like she totally thinks that I am being mean, and she reacts as if she is both angry as hell and completely bereft. One time she was crying and crying and said she hated when I punished her. I said, "How did I punish you?" I was really confused. She wailed, "You told me I couldn't hit my sister!!!"

Part of my problem, I think, is I'm always trying to define her and her behavior, so I have certain expectations. She was a completely different child than her sister. Her sister was a fussy, hypertonic baby who nursed constantly, it seemed, didn't sleep well, always needed to be facing out in the sling, but wasn't as emotionally reactive to people. She was very cautious, clingy, didn't put things in her mouth, didn't run away, very hard to separate from her. She was a late talker and very literal to the point of really not getting certain things; she could be very proper about things, and wouldn't draw on the walls or go past certain boundaries. And yet she could be very obstinate and basically just didn't understand consequences. So she could act in a way that was contrary to her own best interests and it felt like it was because she just couldn't calm down enough to really understand it. But in general she was aware of being criticized or perceived a certain way, and she learned how to act in the ways that people liked her to act even though certain social things confused her.

Then my second daughter seemed much more typical. Talked on time, was a bit of a late walker, but physically seemed much more competent and aware of her body, slept really well, needs a lot of sleep, was a thumb sucker to the point of not wanting to nurse. She was happy and would explore and liked other people and would stay with them, not really clingy, liked making messes, explored things with her mouth. Just a generally happy mellow baby, who became a daring adventurous happy toddler. But when she had temper tantrums, they seemed so much different from my firstborn's. It really seemed like she was testing things out. Yet...she is hypersensitive to any kind of criticism and physical pain. I would have expected her to be much more able to just shake it off, but it's like she takes it all very personally.

I don't know why it surprises me so much, but I keep thinking that when she does something that I hate and which upsets me, and I explain to her why I dislike it and why it is negative and what my needs are, she does the exact same thing again. It's like she is daring me to react negatively, and when I finally do she can say, "You're mean, I hate you." And I have such a hard time understanding it, because, you know, you can't come up and kick someone in the leg and then get upset when they don't like it. Like she HAS to know that if she kicks me or calls me a fat ass bitch that I'm going to be upset at her. She knows that she doesn't like it when people do it to her, and she knows how it will be received, but she gets angry when I express disapproval, and that floors me.

I have come to the conclusion that she just wants to have complete acceptance for her behavior. The only time she has stopped doing certain things is when I just stop reacting. One time she called me a bunch of names and I laughed about it, then she laughed and we agreed it was funny, and then the name calling stopped. Although later on she moved onto drawing me dead, with X's for eyes and a wolf eating my guts when she was angry with me. I remember I was lying outside after having told her she needed to clean up before she could do something, and she came out saying sweetly, "I drew a picture of you." When I looked at it, I was confused, and then she explained it, I was horrified, especially when she said that was how she wanted me to be. Sometimes she is a hard child to like, and I feel like she doesn't have a lot of friends and it makes me sad. But she actually seems really smart and aware of social nuances in some situations, if only to disregard them, so the whole thing confuses me. It may very well be my perception of her understanding.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by Viola

I have come to the conclusion that she just wants to have complete acceptance for her behavior. The only time she has stopped doing certain things is when I just stop reacting.

Not to hijack but the tricky thing that I have found is that just because I stop responding - that doesnt mean my dh, mom, dad, teachers, in laws, and others close to us stop...

So then what?

It continues.

[meemee]

see my dd has always been hard. intense. needy. handful.

however this tops the cake.

and i found out what it was. thru my friends.

didnt really find anything online.

its what i call childhood 'angst'. the emerging of self and my dd struggling to discover what self is. my friends tell me this was the hardest time for their children.

sometimes dd and me are like screaming banshees. its hard on her, its hard on me. however on our good days we sit and talk and share we ARE having such a hard time, and yet we are so grateful that each of us even exist. that even through this struggle we are grateful for each other. we dont try to disect. we dont try to fix things. we just share our intensity of emotion.

it is hard. however i hold my dd with a lot of compassion. a part of me feels like its watching the whole event.

my dd says sometimes she feels there is another person inside her struggling to get out. however it is something she has struggled with since she was little. at two she wanted to be a toddler AND a big girl. except i could not figure out when she wanted to be what.

IMHO, i feel this needs to continue. within reason of course. it needs to get out and not be bottled inside. i see it as a journey my dd has to go thru to discover herself. and when she has a grasp of it she will automatically calm down. when the situation has passed i revisit the situation with my dd and see if her reality has changed. she went from 'i want mommy and daddy to go with me to beat up that girl who hit me' to 'no i want to go and talk to her and let her know how much her hitting me hurt me.' in a matter of two hours after cying hard, expressing anger and going thru a myriad of emotions.

i have sometimes given 'in' to particular moments because she was so hysterical. it worked for us. because she saw it wasnt really giving in but respecting her emotions at that time. so when the same situation happened next time seh did what i wanted her to do. in fact many times she comes over and apologises for being so mean. i think she goes thru momentary 'freak out' when she loses complete control.

it has been sooo stressful for her that she even started urinating v. frequently.

there is no easy answer out there. what i feel they need is lots of understanding with an understanding firm hand.