Sperm Bank & Donor Selection help please

[Monarchgrrl]

A question for all you experienced mamas or TTC'ers out there. I need some help deciding what to do! Our sperm bank options seem to be limited since our donor has to be Mexican, not mixed, non-negotiable. It seems that there are so few banks out there that have more than one in their catalog that fits this criteria. So, if we're supposed to have our top 3 picks for availability reasons and motility reasons, then what do we do? I've only found one bank that has more than one to choose from (they have 3, but only 2 would work for us and on both it says to call because there might be only small quantities available!), but I'm not too keen on using that particular bank. I really don't want to register (and pay!) to be a client at more than one bank, so what should we do? Is it bad to use a bank that literally has ONE option of a donor for us? What if that donor doesn't work? Switch banks? Or do we pick a bank that has only two options? I'm confused and angry! : I read so many posts that say "as soon as we switched donors, I got pregnant". But what if you can't switch? Or am I worrying for nothing? So...how do I decide on the bank?

Thanks in advance!!!

[PixelDust]

If that's a non-negotiable must-have, I'd go with the bank that has more options to choose from, unless you already know you have a strong preference for the only donor at the other bank. It's a frustrating process, to be sure. Wishing you luck, though, and congratulations!

[milletpuff]

We struggled with this too, sort of. We wanted: 1. Jewish 2. Willing to be known and 3. Good numbers. We could not find a single donor with all three (well maybe but most of the banks that had a selection of #1 and #2 wouldn't give us numbers). So we had to pick, and for us, Jewish was the first thing to go. We opted for someone with eastern european ancestry with similar features to DP.

I'm so sorry you can't find more of what you're looking for Grrr white privilege. I have found it helpful to believe that we would get the right baby for us no matter what. I say pick the #1 donor that you like best and go with that. If you run out, or you decide you want to switch, you can jump off that bridge when you come to it

Have you tried calling banks and asking if they have any Mexican donors that are coming available soon? Have you considered a known donor? (I know it's a huge jump from bank to known donor, just thought I'd throw it out there.)

[Monarchgrrl]

Thanks for the replies! We would love to use a known donor for so many reasons. We've asked the only one that DW will consider (family) and he hasn't given his answer yet but it's almost 100% a no-go. So we are down to banks, unfortunately. I'm just so scared to pick the wrong bank or donor. It's just shocking to me that there seems to be less than ten Mexican donors in America! That can't be right. I thought that there would be more where I live too but there's not. There was one local bank I almost had my heart set on and then I checked and they have ZERO options! It feels like we have to compromise so much just to have him be the same ethnicity as DW. We really want a willing to be known donor, but it seems like even having that would rule out most of the few we could choose from. Grrrrrrrr!!! I'm just so sad tonight.

[milletpuff]

You WILL get the right donor! I PROMISE!

There seem to be some options at California Cryobank, is that on your list?

Also: can you talk a bit more about why non-mixed Mexican is non-negotiable? TOTALLY not minimizing or questioning your choice AT ALL. For us I felt the same way about the Jewish thing, so we initially decided on the one Jew that met our other characteristics...but he was like 6'4", super spindly, with red hair and super fair skin. And it just didn't sit well with either of us...till we realized that what we really wanted was someone who looks my partner, who's like the polar opposite of that donor's physical description! So that's what led us to our decision to opt for a non-Jew instead.

Obviously its different for everyone and you may well have gone through that process already. Just another thing I wanted to throw out there!

[Monarchgrrl]

Good question, MP. Also, thanks for taking the time to chat tonight. I guess the answer is that it feels like a way to have DW a part of the genetic makeup of our child in a way. DW is Mexican and I am Irish/Welsh. So we really want our child to be a mix of both of our ethnicities. She is very proud of her culture and it would make her feel even more in the mix, so to speak. I'm not making sense, but this will probably be our only bio child and she probably won't ever carry a child so we really want it to be as much of a combo of both of us as possible. I think that's what Most couples try to do. It's also because we know how most kids wonder where they came from and will wonder about their bio "dad" so we think it will help bridge the gap a bit. Example: if our donor is Mexican then at least DW can teach him/her all about the traditions and culture that they are half of, which is actually a big part of our lives. If our kid is half Salvadorian or Panamanian then we can't. We actually care more about the Mexican part than other looks. DW is short and fluffy but we would be fine with a tall and skinny donor if he's Mexican.

I did check out California Cryo. I think they were the ones with 3 available which was the most but it still only left us with 2 I think because one was listed as light hair, eyes, and almost white looking. Hehe.

[milletpuff]

You're totally making sense and I totally get it. I so wish it was different!! I know others on here have struggled with similar stuff and actually have kids now, I'll be interested to hear what their take is.

I hope hundreds of Mexicans are waiting in the wings to be released as sperm donors for you!

[Monarchgrrl]

Thanks, MP!! And I hope the job position in your womb is filled soon! Hee hee. That's so cute!

[AngelaM]

I know how hard this is. My good friends have a similar situation and are trying to find a donor of Indian descent. There are like 3 in the country.

The Sperm Bank of California has several 100% Mexican donors listed right now, and two are even ID-release. I used TSBC and was very happy with them, and, unlike some banks, they'll tell you the sperm counts before you buy. So, something to think about...

[Monarchgrrl]

Thanks, AngelaM, I've checked them out. I only see two listed and one is fair skinned, so that would really only leave one, yet again. I guess it looks like we'll have to just have one possibility at each bank and if it doesn't work after a few tries w/ one, then we'll have to switch banks. I wish DW was open to other known donors. *sigh*

[TTC1]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time finding a donor. Have you looked at Midwest Sperm bank? I think they only have one though, with brown eyes and black hair. You can email them and have them email you the long donor profile for free if you wanted to see about him.

[Snapdragon]

I just wanted to reply that I think finding a donor from a sperm bank at all can feel hard and limiting, in my experience. When we were looking- we weren't looking for a particular race, but we would have preferred Scottish/English since that is my partners heritage.
Well, for us the issue was that we wanted to do at home insem and wanted to use unwashed sperm. That cut down our options by like 90%! Literally! We were quite frustrated. Anyway, I started out with a list of the qualities I wanted in a donor. And it ended up coming down to must haves: unwashed sperm, baby photo, decent looking, good health history, and a certain height (important to me personally). Anyway- now that I am pregnant with said donor's sperm- I have all sorts of feelings of -did I choose the right donor? Is this right? Should I have done x,y,z? sometimes. And then other times it is just- our baby growing in there, just exactly as he or she should be.

I guess my point- sorry to hijak your thread with my long post- is that finding a donor from a sperm bank can feel very limiting. And requires more compromise than one might have expected. So I guess I would advise just choosing the best mexican donor you can find and going for it and hoping for the best. With the one that worked for us (third try) I didn't even ask the sperm count because it felt like- well, this is the one we are going to use so lets just hope it is good.
Good luck

[Monarchgrrl]

Thanks for your perspective, Katie. That helps. I guess it has to be all about re-framing my vision or dream. I just pictured it going differently. My ultimate would be our known donor, but beyond that, I just assumed the bank option would be different. Well, now it's gotta be just jump in and pick and go w/ the flow, so to speak.