GD response for hurting sibling??

[mikanmom]

(Sorry this is cross posted in the ages and stages childhood forum)

DH and I have been reading Positve Discipline for Preschoolers. However one situation keeps happening and we're wodering what to do from a GD or PD perspective.

3 y/o DS hurts 10 mo/o dd. Sometimes it's clearly intentional other times he is playing to rough, for example he likes to put all the couch pillows on her and then try to lay on top

lately he's been trying to pick her up and carry her or help her walk.

For the most part DS is gentle and plays well w/ DD but being gentle with his sister and not hurting her is something we have problems with. It is a button pusher for us, especially DH and sometimes we snap at him.

We usually try not to react strongly but calmly escort him out of the room while explaining that he hurt his sister and will have to leave the room until he can be gentle and close the door. He usually cries out in the hallway and says he needs a hug or is thirsty etc. he tries to think of something that we'll need or want to help him w/. I'm not sure about how to respond to those requests.

I understand when he intentionally hurts dd it's jealousy and usually when Daddy is playing with her or giving dd attention.

We do do special time with Daddy as the PD book suggests.

Any other ideas? I know it is bound to happen with siblings but wish to react in the best possible way.

[pumpkinseed]

We went through a lot of this. Both the intentional and not intentional. For the not intentional-we made a rule-she may not move her sister. Very simple. If little sister is in the way, etc...she is to call us to move her. A lot of this came from wanting to "help" a little too much

For the intentional-we did a bunch of things-not all correct-I snapped a bunch too-because like you this was one of my hot buttons. However, if I am in the right frame of mind-I will go over to littlest dd-pick her up-ask her if she is okay, etc... and remove her to another room with me. That would p*&# older daughter off to no end by 1. giving all the attention to the littlest one and 2. both of us going to another room. My intention is not to upset her but to show her that she will get no form of attention from her violent actions -positive or negative. This is what works the most-sure she is screaming at me as I am talking to the baby and leaving the room-but the incidents are getting fewer and farther between-my oldest is 4.5 - the baby is now 13 months. I have learned with her that if you try to talk to her in the heat of the moment she just starts screaming at you and gets totally out of control. Which sucks me in and then I start up-not good. For us, its best to disengage. We then talk about it in a much more calm state-sometimes its just a few moments later-sometimes its later that evening or even the next day-sometimes its not at all.

[academama]

We are struggling with this one too, but one thing that has cut it down is to teach the older sibling that we will deal with any problem she has with her little brother. "Remember to ask Mama or Daddy" is what we say, if she tries to take back a toy, etc.--and she's started doing it, which cuts down a lot on the occasions for her hurting him.

We follow through by being consistent about making him "respect" her space and things, although he's too young to understand it yet. Her special toy is sacred--he can't take it from her. He can't steal her food, etc. We stand up for her as well as for him.

[mikanmom]

Pumpkinseed Ill have to try leaving the room w/ DD. This would shift the spotlight off of DS and result in him losing attention rather than gaining it and also I can console DD right away rather than feel angry about not being able to help her cause I'm having to deal w/ him.

I tried to set up DS son's playroom so that he he has an area he can be in where his ds can't get to. I'll just have to be more consitant in helping him when she's invading his space.

THis stuff usually happens as I'm struggling to prepare dinner. Which takes about an hour for me I get so frustrated when I have to keep stopping to keep him from hurting her making her cry. I wish I could lower my standards but nutrition and healthy eating is not something I want to sacrifice. Cooking faster would be a nice option but I'm slow as it's hard to foucus w/ so many distractions. .....I guess I'm kinda getting off topic but just noticed last night that dinner fixing time is when the stuff keeps happening and the conflict is I just want to be able to complete the task.

Thanks for your responses i will try to use these ideas and se how things go.

[prothyraia]

Could you try to occupy your 3 year old by having him help you prepare dinner?

If you're willing to tolerate a little mess, there are a lot of cooking tasks that a preschooler can help with: pouring things you've measured out, holding items you need, mixing, etc. etc. It will still go slowly and you'll be distracted, but at least you'll be distracted by water being dumped on the floor and not baby-shrieks of pain.

[mikanmom]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Could you try to occupy your 3 year old by having him help you prepare dinner?

If you're willing to tolerate a little mess, there are a lot of cooking tasks that a preschooler can help with: pouring things you've measured out, holding items you need, mixing, etc. etc. It will still go slowly and you'll be distracted, but at least you'll be distracted by water being dumped on the floor and not baby-shrieks of pain.

thanks this is a good idea we did alot more of this before DD was born and had some great times and I like it a heck of a lot better than putting on a DVD for him.


Or maybe I could set up some water play or cooking and mixing stuff play in the sink. I like how sensory activites are calming for him. I forget that he needs sensory play.....it will keep him from wanting to squeeze out all my lotions and getting into my makeup Lol