I really don't know what to do...

[welsh]

help me, please! Apologies for the ramble...

DS will be 2 in a few weeks and is very friendly, unusually sociable with peers, likes to share, give hugs and kisses. Generally, a sweet boy.

BUT, he hits, kicks and bites sometimes (usually me). We have always modeled 'gentle touch' with him which he gets and will sweetly stroke a friend's new baby or someone's pet.
When he hits out at me, during diaper change, or today in the car (I was in the back with him), I try to stay calm and say, 'we don't hit our friends', 'gentle, please' and show him how we touch gently.
But he knows this. If I sound sterner, he laughs!!!!!!!!

If DH is around when DS bites me, DH will comfort me and give me a hug and say
'there, there Mama. Are you hurt? DS - Mama's hurt. Do you want to give her a hug? '
And DS is upset by this and comforts me.

DS also bit his much-loved cousin recently. I had to remove him forcibly from her. Asked him to apologise to her. explain that we don't hurt our friends etc.

But he seems to be doing it more. I've tried looking at what happens before the incident and sometimes he seems to be really excited, he bears his teeth and I warn him, "We don't bite, please...' and he pauses like he's testing his boundaries.
I am getting really sick of hearing people tell me he needs a naughty step for time out!!!!!!! the fact is though, it's not acceptable and I don't know how to handle it further.
Today, he was kicking the driver's seat in the car and I was explaining simply, 'we don't kick others' chairs. M is driving, it's not safe'. But he was defiant.
If I think about what I've read in 'Raising your Spirited Child', I would call him focused instead of defiant! But I'm having a bad day!!!!

[kiwiva]

We haven't had a big problem with biting and hitting with DD (she's almost 3 now) but I think what you are doing is a good way to approach it. That is pretty much what we did. Calmly remind of the rule and comfort the person she abused, aplogize to the other child for DD. When we have resorted to a stern tone of voice it has been completely ineffective. From what I have read and experienced, when we do that we can make it a more important issue to the kid and can make them want to do it more. The reaction itself becomes interesting.

I think at this age it can be a combo of not able to control themselves (even tho they may get that they shouldn't do it) and testing the rule (is it really really always the rule?). The seat kicking thing is still an issue here and sometimes DD just really needs to be moving her legs, I can see that she is bursting with energy, other times she's got that look that says, "I am doing it because I want to and you can't stop me." I don't have a good solution to it, we calmly remind and take her shoes off if she continues and try to distract her. I try not to get in a battle of wills over it, but yk how that can be.

It is a normal phase at that age, I believe, though some kids seem to do it a lot more than others. It doesn't make him a bad kid at all, he just needs more time to learn that is not appropriate. I don't think time out or naughty chair would be helpful. Both would serve to just make the kid angry, I imagine, which may only exacerbate the situation. I don't do time out or punishment at all. So I don't have anything new to offer you but I think what you are doing will work eventually.

[kcparker]

If height and weight allow it, one way to fix their little wagons if they are kicking the back of the driver's seat in the car is to return them to rear-facing...ha ha, take that seat kickers!

[maddycakes]

My DD tends to only bite when we're playing/rough-housing or if she's teething, so it's largely unintentional (I think), but it still hurts. She has also witnessed a few "biters" at daycare so I think she is curious to test the waters as to how we'll tolerate the behavior at home.

Anyway, those times when she does bite (for whatever reason) two things that have worked for me is to give her the one soft teether we have left over from her infant days and tell her that if she wants to bite something, she can bite that, and then gently but firmly let her know that "when you bite mommy it hurts, so I'm going to give you a minute to relax and you can come get me when you're ready to play gentle again". Then I go into the next room where she can still see me, but I pretend to be absorbed in a book ("kind ignorance" I think one parenting book has called it). What usually happens is she bites that teether a couple of times, and then comes over to me and tells me she's ready to play (and lately that "I sorry"). That might not be possible if you're on the road, but you can probably do a similar version.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Been there!!! Doing everything you're doing!! We got the biting to stop by having a change in environment. His daycare was waaaaaay too chaotic and he was constantly right at the edge of stimulation overload. It still took careful control of his environment. Now, we're pretty much past the biting, but there's still pinching so that the skin breaks and hitting (the four year old at daycare taught him "smacking". awesome.).

We did a lot of what you're doing with very gradual success...taught empathy, make a fuss over the hurt person, demonstrated kind hands. He really feels badly when he hurts someone...it's really an impulse he can't control sometimes. And you said your child does it mostly when excited...which is DS too, but sometimes, he'll be playing quietly and just turn around and chomp/pinch/hit. On those days, it's like one tiny little thing was the last drop in the bucket of what he could handle and he overflowed. (Being tired and hungry seems to make that bucket significantly smaller!!!!)

Keep doing what you're doing for sure! Other things that have helped us:

-Work on more sleep
-Minimal tv (it just seems to lower the threshold to overstimulation by itself, plus makes sleep more of a challenge)
-start to teach emotion words and practice using them. I had a lightbulb moment this spring as I was restraining DS from scratching my face (FUN!)...I realized that he didn't know he was allowed to say that he's mad at me! So, after the moment had passed, we talked about and practiced saying "I'm mad at Mommy". He was intrigued. We worked on similar things and they've helped...if he's not quite over the edge he will say something before being aggressive with both adults and children. He's not super comfortable saying that he's mad at me, but he will say that he's not happy with me. The first time I heard him say "Daddy I NOT HAPPY YOU!" during an unhappy bedtime, I almost cried...it was SUCH an improvement. Proof that we'd get there eventually! Phrases that have helped us and he uses regularly--before he lashes out:
"I'm not happy with you"
"Please stop! That's not funny"
"I'm having a tough day"
"I just need a little rest"
I never ever would have thought it would make such a difference to practice those phrases, because he knew the words already. But being sort of given permission to express the emotions and practice doing it in a non-crisis situation helped a ton!!! Afterwards I told my therapist SIL and she said "Oh yes, those are social stories! Also try practicing 'When I'm mad I will [hit the pillow/sit by myself/hug mommy/etc].'"

It's not perfect now. But we're getting better and better and I can definitely tell if we deviate---watch tv on a weeknight, or do too many away from home activities in a weekend.

GOOD LUCK!!!