Name calling and "talking back"

[greenbeing]

I need help!
My ds will be five in a couple of months, and for the last couple months or so, he's been calling me "mean" when he doesn't get his way, or "stupid" or says "If you don't let me do X, then I'm going to ____." Every time, I tell him we don't say those things or "You sound angry right now, do you want to talk about it." I'll tell him he needs to cool off if he wants to be around us. Sometimes he gets into a big fit screaming about not getting his way...I'm having a hard time curbing this behavior. And then to top it off my dh says I don't do anything about it or about his behavior. He tends to think ds doesn't just listen because I've allowed that and ds calls me names because I've allowed it. It's really frustrating. Any thoughts?

[NicoleCS]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds as though your DH isn't side-by-side with you on this one. I think your first step should be to discuss w/DH how you are going to handle this type of behavior. It is so important to be on the page. The second step is to eliminate the ultimatums. He needs to understand that is not how things will work in your home. As for the name calling, suggest other words that he can use. In our home we do not use the hate. So when DD1 says "I hate folding clothes." I ask for another word ex "I'm really tired of folding clothes." I tend to do that w/the word "Stupid" too. As for being told you are mean - boy I know how it hurts. I always ask if they like to be called and how would they feel if I said that to them. Sometimes I simply say "I am not mean, I am being a mom, now please pick up your toys." Sometime I insert the word "we and parents" even if DH isn't home or involved in the situation - just to remind them that Mom and Dad stand together. Oh the screaming - well as many times as I say "inside voices please" the screaming continues. I used to put DD1's toys or books in "Time-Out" when she would act-up. This was very effective (actually it still is - though it's things like her ipod and ds now). I would place the objects in plain sight, though out of reach. No threats or warnings - the items goes now until you can make a better choice. I would also remind her of some of her most recent good choices! I hope this helps.

[greenbeing]

Thanks for the reply! I'm going to suggest other words to him he can use. For the ultimatums, I'll keep telling him that's not okay. Hopefully, this will pass soon. It's just frustrating for DH (and my mom too) to say that I'm not doing anything about the situation. They think I should be able to say/do something that is going to immediately stop the behavior from happening. Maybe this is just going to take some time before it gets better. For awhile ds was doing the "I don't like/love you" line when he couldn't get his way. Once he realized that wasn't going to change my mind about anything, he stopped. Now, I'm dealing with the "You're mean" line.

[Green_Ma_4]

Hey ya!

Wow , I could of written this post. My 3yo is going through something right now very similar....Every time I tell him he cant do something, he responds with, "well if you dont let me do this, I am going to be mean to you and yell at you " and then he proceeds to do just that. It usually ends with me taking him to his room and sitting him down on his pain and talking to him and explaining to him why this is not ok. But it keeps happening, so clearly this isnt working. Any ideas ?
I could use the change in language, but then being only 3yo, I wonder if that would work?

I look forward to reading your responses!
cheers
phoenix

[Theoretica]

There's some cool books on Amazon about dealing with powerful emotions...would that be something to take a look at getting and cuddling up together to read? Go to amazon and look up buddhist children and they all come up. Even better, most are available gently used for pennies on the dollar

Good luck gentle mama!

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by Green_Ma_4

Hey ya!

Wow , I could of written this post. My 3yo is going through something right now very similar....Every time I tell him he cant do something, he responds with, "well if you dont let me do this, I am going to be mean to you and yell at you " and then he proceeds to do just that. It usually ends with me taking him to his room and sitting him down on his pain and talking to him and explaining to him why this is not ok. But it keeps happening, so clearly this isnt working. Any ideas ?
I could use the change in language, but then being only 3yo, I wonder if that would work?

I look forward to reading your responses!
cheers
phoenix

Your first official post!

[lara1828]

I have 5 yo ds who does these things. When he calls me mean or stupid, I just say "I don't think I'm mean." and move on. Really, he doesn't have the power to make me feel mean or stupid or whatever. I also like this response because I think it models for him how he can respond to name calling. I really do find that trying to talk about these things in the heat of the moment is fruitless. I do talk to him about how words can hurt people's feelings, but NOT when he's shouting them.

As for the ultimatums, I regretfully realize that he hears this type of wording from me sometimes, so I try to minimize it. Even if I'm really only trying to articulate a "natural consequence", it seems like his little 5 yo brain hears it as an ultimatum. Well, and I am watchful I don't let him complete his ultimatum "plan" (which usually includes hitting me or climbing up to reach something he can't have).

If it's any consolation, at almost 5.5 these behaviors have subsided for the most part. Just like a lot of temporary childish behaviors, I think not letting it ruffle you shortens their duration.

HTH.

Lara

[Green_Ma_4]

Thanks for the welcome!

Ya I suppose part of this is because he is getting a response from me. I dont remeber my other 3 doing this. I mean clearly they had their tantrums, but the your means and the like I am new to. I must admit that the first time it happened , it hurt me. I was shocked and upset. I am going to try now just sayin , I dont think I mean and moving on to my own things. Thats so simple, yet so complex
Whoever said this parenthing thing was a walk in the park...lol

cheers