Problem with step father in law (long)

[cocobean]

I need advice about my step father in law. We don't get along very well, but I try to be civil for everyone elses sake. My mil is offering to pay for my dh and I to stay at an inn at the state park, that is right by there house, for our anniversary. While we stay there she offered to watch ds. They live 4 hours away so they don't get to see him often. I trust her completly to watch my child. The problem lies in her husband. He owns guns ,which I don't really have a problem with if I knew that he had them locked up at all times. I know that if we asked him to have all the guns locked up he would tell us that he did and even lock up most of them. But I don't believe that he really would lock everything up. A few years back when mil moved to another city, after they sold there house the stayed at sil house. Her husband has bipolar disorder and was having a very rough time with it then. They asked sfil to not bring any of his guns in the house in case bil was having a bad day. He said no problem. When they were moving them into their permanant home they found that he had a loaded shot gun under the bead the entire time. So no matter what he says he is going to do I can never believe him. I also don't know him very well. I'm not saying that he is a child molester or anything but I don't know that he's not. I get a very bad feeling about him and I plan on trusting that feeling. My problem is that my mil is very very sensitive. We don't know how to approach this topic with her. That she can never have her grandson for overnights if her husband is still there. We were hoping to be able to put this off for a long time since they live so far away, but she keeps bringing up our anniversery and doing this for us. We don't have any money and haven't had a vacation in a long time so she thinks there is no real reason why we wouldn't want to do this. sfil and I got into a HUGE fight at christmas after he continued to call the then future president of this country the "n" word. So tempers and feelings are still a little raw for everyone. Hopefully this all makes senes and someone can shed a little light on what we should do. Sorry if it's confusing!

[tanyam926]

Hugs to you mama! Yours is a tough situation. Please listen to your instincts, they serve a purpose!

If I was in your situation I would probably come up w/a reason why it won't work out. Maybe that your son would have a hard time w/out you, etc. so you would rather keep your son w/you at the hotel. Then maybe MIL could come to the hotel and watch kiddo while you go out.

Hope you guys figure out a way to get some much needed alone time, while still protecting your lo.

[Jessy1019]

Your MIL's husband sounds like a real

That said, your babe isn't even a year old. I wouldn't be worried about him getting into his guns or even really picking up on nasty, racist things the guy might say, and without any other indicators, I wouldn't assume that MIL's husband was a child molester. I would be more worried about how your son would feel being left with people he doesn't see often, over night, at such a young age.

I agree with the above suggestion to have him at the hotel with you at night, and let MIL watch him (maybe she could take him out, take him swimming at the hotel, etc) while you and your husband enjoy some time alone.

[swd12422]

Guns or no guns, your baby is still very small and I'd NEVER let my child (any age) be around someone who uses that word freely (esp after being asked not to in my presence). So, three strikes and it's a no. Get a babysitter for a night or a weekend, or invite you MIL (w/o her hubby) to stay at your place for a weekend while you two take it easy.

[Quinalla]

I am a gun owner myself, but it is absolutely unacceptable to have loaded guns just laying around (or unloaded guns and ammo not locked up), especially if children are present. A locked up loaded gun or properly carried on his person would be fine (and there are plenty of safes and carry options that allow quick access if home defense is his concern). If you feel you can't trust him to lock up the guns properly, then yes I would not leave my child there. In my case, I would tell them why as gun safety is a huge issue with me, but it just depends how you want to handle it.

[cocobean]

My only other problem is that mil knows that my parents have kept ds overnight once for my husband and I to go to the movies and hang out with friends. I'm afraid that I'll still hurt her feelings. But I guess hurting her feelings a little and hurting them a lot are my choices I guess. I do like the idea of her maybe coming over and watching him at the hotel while we go and do some things. It would be on the weekend and her husband works weekends so that's a plus. Just feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place with this. My mil is a great lady she just has horrible taste in men. This is her third marriage and I think she won't divorce him because she doesn't want to go through that again. Sucks! But at least they live far away so it is not to much of an issue most of the time.

[frogautumn]

Stick to your guns (sorry, bad pun intended )! For me, loaded guns and lying are dealbreakers. If you can't trust that your SFIL respects you enough to lock his firearms away properly (and you know he has lied about this in the past), then there's no way I'd let a child of any age out of my sight in that home. Your DS's safety comes before your MIL's feelings. Trust your instincts...

[LynnS6]

Trust your gut! Your dh (it's his job, not yours) will have to be upfront around your mom: We cannot leave our ds there because step-dad has guns that he doesn't lock up, and we can't trust him, even if he says he will."

How about this? How about have MIL come alone to your house and you two rent a hotel room somewhere for an evening away? You can tell MIL that your ds will be more comfortable in his own home (true).

[cocobean]

I guess we're just gonna have to suck it up and talk to her about it. I just needed to wine about this crappy situation! Thanks guys!

[alexsam]

Yes, I thinnk you have to talk to her about it. It will just get more akward in time, keeping track of your white lies and most likely, you will have to talk about it sometime anyway. I would do it now while all of you are still laying the groundrules for the grandma relationship. And I would have dh spearhead the conversation.

[cocobean]

I plan on putting it on dh shoulders. I will be there for support but it is his mom and therefore his responsiblity. I know that some of the awkwardness will trickle down to me though. O well, the joys of having chlidren and being the first grandchild on that side.

[birdie22]

He sounds exactly like my mother's husband. Absolutely reason #1 why I moved far away.

It's very tough. We stay in a hotel to visit, we don't accept her offers to babysit; and once I had to tell her that if she was coming to visit she needed to bring someone else (like my aunt) instead of him. That was really hard to do, but I won't have him in my house, period.

[RiverTam]

You're completely 100% right. I wouldn't want my kids in the house with someone who doesn't put up their guns. We have guns at our house, but they're in a locked gun safe.

You don't really owe anyone an explanation. Just have your husband tell her that you don't really feel comfortable doing it. Your baby is young and you can just say "I know it's silly, but we're just not comfortable."

My family has finally gotten use to the idea that I'm NEVER going to be comfortable with some things. I leave them to speculate on the reasons.

BTW, my mother was NEVER allowed to watch my children alone. She has a drug problem. I never felt the need to explain it. We just made other arrangements and I said that I wasn't comfortable with it.

[spicyrock]

oh, mama. It sounds like you guys could really use a break and like you love your mil and want her to have some time with her grandson, but in this instance, I have to say that I don't think it is a good idea. Even though your ds might be too little to get into your sfil's guns right now, letting him stay in a house with unlocked guns sets a bad precedent. It is better to address the subject now than to wait until he is old enough to figure out how to get them out and mess with them. And if you suspect that your sfil is lying to you, and you don't absolutely trust these people to lock away their guns and take all appropriate safety measures with your ds, then please, please don't leave your son with them. Ask mil to visit you guys and spend the night, and take some time away then- or leave ds with your own parents, if you trust them more. Guns are dangerous, they can lead to tragedy, and any gun-owner should have more respect for safety than your sfil seems to have.

[peainthepod]

Listen to your gut and don't apologize for keeping your child safe. His security is way more important than anyone's feelings, including your own. You're doing the right thing.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by cocobean

My only other problem is that mil knows that my parents have kept ds overnight once for my husband and I to go to the movies and hang out with friends.

That doesn't have anything to do with it. If your MIL and her husband behaved equivalently to your parents, then I could see a correlation, but I'm assuming your parents don't have loaded guns lying around or drop the n-bomb freely.

If she brings it up for some reason, I'd just say, "The concerns I'm addressing with you are not concerns at my parents' house" and leave it at that. She'd have to have a screw loose to insist that you give her equal access when she's not providing an equally safe environment.

[cocobean]

thanks guys! this is all very helpful! :