Wit's end, overload, crisis parenting - advice please?

[sunnylady303]

A little background: I have a 5.5 YO and a 3.5 YO. The last year and a half have been so stressful. The little one has been in the hospital 20 times in the last 18 months with lung problems, not counting other ER trips and dr visits. Lots of upheaval, not much regularity. We just went out to Denver from KY for medical treatment for her for a month and I really believe (HOPE!) that we are mostly done with this really tough phase in our life. We got back Sunday night. It was a really hard trip. My oldest was mostly with grandparents who came out to tag team so we could be with the little one during surgery and treatment.

Lately my 5YO has been awful. I am generally a strong believer in parenting with discussion and working with your child but we are more and more running into what to do with hard and fast rules. This morning was a debacle. My oldest had a dr appt and we needed to leave. I told her in plenty of time that she needed to get dressed, repeated again. She wanted to wear a dress up dress that wasn't appropriate. I should have had her put clothes under it or wear a different one but I was in high stress mode and didn't think of it. Anyway she ended up flat refusing to get dressed. She's doing that more and more with things that she just has to do. "No!" "I don't care!" are her favorite phrases lately. She has started making threats too that I don't what to do with. "If you won't get me food, then I'll just get up out of bed and you can't make me get back in." Or "if you take that toy away from me then I'll just get another one." What do you say to that? I am out of my league. I am trying to watch that we don't make threats to her, but then how do I handle the "I won't get dressed even though we have to leave right now and you've told me 15 times!"

Can anyone help me with this stuff? I am so tired and it's been a hard year for her and a really hard month but how does a good mom respond? Thanks if you've read this far and thanks for any advice.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

It sounds like its been a really hard time for everyone, perhaps especially your older child. I would definitely say that you probably need to work on re-establishing your relationship with her before elevating your expectations back to "pre-crisis" levels. Can you get some one-on-one time with her? Find some time each day to cuddle and read with her? Make her bedtime special time with you or your DH? I would suspect that she feels rather neglected over all the attention that your younger child has clearly needed.

Also, have you gotten back into good household routines for the kids? Regular bedtime, good food at regular intervals, good transitions, enough outside time, enough playtime? How about yourself -- are you caring for yourself at a level that lets you be the best possble mom? If I had been in your situation, I know I would have shorted myself a lot and that would impact my ability to be patient and understanding. It might help to improve the overall big picture stuff before focusing on the little stuff.

Asking gently, but for the situation you describe why couldn't she just wear the dress-up dress? My DD loves loves loves dressy dresses. She has many because, frankly, they are fun to buy for her. But she grows so fast, she can't wear them often enough to truly get our money's worth. So she wears them to church, to dinner, out shopping. I can see the problem if you were going to the beach or hiking. But to the doctor's office? No dirt, no running, nothing unsafe about a dress. I would have let it go.

[LilyGrace]

First,

Second, I think that determining what we want to accomplish/our goals are a huge step in figuring out what to do in a situation. Your daughter made some good points, you can't control her body or what she does with it, but at the same time, you have a point, too, that there are hard and fast rules that need to be adhered to.

So then, what to do? Let her deal with the logical consequence (a child not dressed still goes to the appt as is or chooses from one of two agreeable options), or continue to try to control her body for her, eventually hoping she'll give in? Do I make a statement I can't back up, or do I make sure that whatever happens is going to be the way it is because it can't be any different?

I will say that I am not a big believer in parenting through discussion, not at this age. It usually ends up in both sides just arguing their rightness and I don't have the stamina a 5yo does, nor are the rules up for debate. I'm willing to work with choices, with ideas, but the goal is still the goal, you know? I tend to follow more of "this needs to happen, do you want to do it this way or this way, or do you have a different way?"

[bronxmom]

Wow! Your family sounds like it's in a really tough situation. I hope your younger daughter - and you guys - are okay. I agree with the pp who said that your older daughter is probably feeling really needy right now. In addition to feeling a need for attention, she may also feel really scared and not know how to process that. At the same time, she's probably developmentally desiring more autonomy and control - not necessarily a bad thing.

I would really try to focus on giving yourselves enough time that you don't HAVE to leave the house in 15 minutes and can maybe wait her out a bit. I would try to relax rules and try to say no as little as possible. Ask yourself if her request or objection might actually be reasonable. Eg., is there any real reason that she can't wear the dressy dress to the dr's? If not, perhaps you say "I see this is really important to you; you can wear the dress, but it's also really important that we get to the dr on time so I need you to help me getting out of the house." I also echo making sure she gets plenty of snuggle time and attention. I would tag team with your partner as much as possible. Try to take time out from things just to be with your daughter.

And remember that this too shall pass. For me, that's often the biggest thing to keep in mind.

[JMJ]

Read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." It gives you a number of tools that you can use when things get out of control. Also, focus on finding positive interactions with your 5 year old. Give her some extra special attention. When one child has medical issues, it's very easy for siblings to feel like the sick one is loved more. When she acts out to get attention, your frustration makes it obvious that you have a harder time with her, thus supporting her theory that you don't love her as much. The younger child is getting special treatment because of illness. The older one needs special treatment too.

[LynnS6]

I would start with connection: 30 minutes a day where she gets your focused attention, where SHE leads the play. If your younger child still naps, during nap time is great. If not, trade off with dh and do 30 minutes with each child, then swap. Your dd needs this time with EACH parent, each day. I would move heaven and earth to get her this right now. Actually, both your kids need it, but right now, your older child needs it more.

Second, I would acknowledge the feelings behind what she's saying, and just ignore the fact that you can't make her. In some situations, I'd just agree that I can't make her, and state matter-of-factly what will happen.

"I won't get dressed and you can't make me!" "You're right, I can't. So, we're leaving in 10 minutes (5 minutes earlier than you need to), and if you're dressed, great. If not, you'll just have to go as you are."

"If you don't get me food, I'll get out of bed and you can't make me get back in." "I do not get food for people who are rude to me." or maybe more gently "You sound really mad that I won't get you food."

There's great solace in developing a mantra too -- when she argues, repeat your main point and don't get side tracked. "It's time to get your pajamas on." "But I'm HUNGRY." "It's time for pjs. Snack time is after pjs are on." "But I'm too hungry to get my pjs on." "It's time for pjs." Calmly and boringly.

I would also institute a lot of Playful Parenting ideas. "Well, if you don't go to bed, mommy will get really grumpy and be replaced by the grumpy mommy who stomps all over the house." Then stomp really dramatically. That often defuses the tension in our house when we've got a power struggle with dd (who is also 5).

Finally, both of my kids went through periods where they asked me to help them do things I KNEW they were perfectly capable of doing. Dd still does this with getting dressed. The child has been able to dress herself since she was 20 months old. But, she likes help. Dh gets into a lot of power struggles with her over getting dressed. I've taken a different tactic. I get the clothes. On benevolent days, I give her a choice of 2 things. Then I go to where she is or ask her to come to my room. She climbs up on the bed, and I get her dressed, usually playfully. I'll lift her HIGH into the air to stand her on her feet to pull up her pants, for example. Then I'll lift her high and 'plop' her back down to put her socks on. She does sometimes get too silly and starts to kick/writhe away. When that happens, the fun stops and I get serious.

This technique turns getting dressed from a power struggle to a quick 3 minute connection. I expend much less (psychological) energy doing this than I do fighting with her to do it herself. (FWIW, dh is a much better parent than I am in many ways, so I'm not dissing his parenting with the comparison of how we get dd dressed.)