My DS is 2.5 years old and I have wanted to be his mom forever. It took us over a year to get pregnant and we were sooooo excited (not that others aren't, but I just felt like we were really really grateful for everything, even the hard stuff).
DS is fabulous, amazing, wonderful, my favorite thing on this Earth, BUT... I am so overwhelmed with the role of mother/keeping the house and family running smoothly. Do you ever look at something - like toothpaste, for example and say to yourself, "My DH didn't have to think at ALL about how this got here, nor does he have to think about how most of the stuff that he uses everyday gets here," meanwhile us moms are making list after list of all the little things that we need everyday to make life work (toothpaste, toilet paper, diapers, coffee, oh and dinner...) Not to mention all the micromanaging of the day - snacks, potty, diapers, waters, wipes, etc.
I just am having one of those days where I feel like I had no idea motherhood would entail all of this - me being the manager of a "business". I feel a bit like I have a pair of handcuffs on. Heart shaped ones (not the kinky kind!) made of love, but handcuffs none the less. I am not free to go where I want, do what I want and sleep when I want.
And I am not mad a DH - he is awesome and supportive and an amazing father - but I just told him today that it is really hard to watch him walk out the door everyday and get to go back to a piece of his "old life" while I am on this deserted island, sometimes flailing. And, it does feel very alone sometimes because I know DH will never know what this feels like. He is with DS quite a bit, but it is always in small chunks of time with light at the end of the tunnel. Even if he's with him for an entire day (or even two, which hasn't happened yet), he still knows that come Monday, he gets a "break" whereas my time spent with DS is in long intervals with no real break. Like a 2.5 year interval as opposed to DH's 5 hour interval!
When we signed up to be parents, of course we had no clue what was in store for us, but I naively thought that WE would be doing this together, as in we both do everything equal. And I know that's ridiculous and impossible - one of us has to go out into the world to make the money - but I guess I didn't realize that I would have these heart-shaped handcuffs while DH wouldn't. I know it's stupid of me to not have seen that beforehand, but I just had no clue.
Sorry to be wallowing in my own self pity here, but some days it's just soooooo very tough for almost no apparent reason. And other days it's a breeze (or almost a breeze!)
I always wanted three kids, but quite honestly, I have NO idea how people have a second - especially so close to the first. I am still overwhelmed on a daily basis with dishes piling up, laundry everywhere, messes abound and me totally exhausted (and yes, I know none of that other stuff matters!), but starting over and doing it again sounds un-doable for me and I hope that changes because in theory, I'd love to have more.
DS will start a two-morning a week preschool in a month and I am so looking forward to a break. We don't have family close or a sitter and so I have literally been glued to DS for 2.5 years without much outside help at all.
Sometimes I think I should've been a working mom, but I know I would have been eaten alive by guilt (not that that's right, but I know I just would've been really upset by not being there and it has always been important to me to be there). But somedays the thought of having a few hours of time away from mommyhood sounds blissful.
Can anyone either comisserrate or help me see the light at the end of the tunnel? When do the handcuffs get loosened? (or do they?) And, how do you not resent your DH for his easier role?
TIA
DS is fabulous, amazing, wonderful, my favorite thing on this Earth, BUT... I am so overwhelmed with the role of mother/keeping the house and family running smoothly. Do you ever look at something - like toothpaste, for example and say to yourself, "My DH didn't have to think at ALL about how this got here, nor does he have to think about how most of the stuff that he uses everyday gets here," meanwhile us moms are making list after list of all the little things that we need everyday to make life work (toothpaste, toilet paper, diapers, coffee, oh and dinner...) Not to mention all the micromanaging of the day - snacks, potty, diapers, waters, wipes, etc.
I just am having one of those days where I feel like I had no idea motherhood would entail all of this - me being the manager of a "business". I feel a bit like I have a pair of handcuffs on. Heart shaped ones (not the kinky kind!) made of love, but handcuffs none the less. I am not free to go where I want, do what I want and sleep when I want.
And I am not mad a DH - he is awesome and supportive and an amazing father - but I just told him today that it is really hard to watch him walk out the door everyday and get to go back to a piece of his "old life" while I am on this deserted island, sometimes flailing. And, it does feel very alone sometimes because I know DH will never know what this feels like. He is with DS quite a bit, but it is always in small chunks of time with light at the end of the tunnel. Even if he's with him for an entire day (or even two, which hasn't happened yet), he still knows that come Monday, he gets a "break" whereas my time spent with DS is in long intervals with no real break. Like a 2.5 year interval as opposed to DH's 5 hour interval!
When we signed up to be parents, of course we had no clue what was in store for us, but I naively thought that WE would be doing this together, as in we both do everything equal. And I know that's ridiculous and impossible - one of us has to go out into the world to make the money - but I guess I didn't realize that I would have these heart-shaped handcuffs while DH wouldn't. I know it's stupid of me to not have seen that beforehand, but I just had no clue.
Sorry to be wallowing in my own self pity here, but some days it's just soooooo very tough for almost no apparent reason. And other days it's a breeze (or almost a breeze!)
I always wanted three kids, but quite honestly, I have NO idea how people have a second - especially so close to the first. I am still overwhelmed on a daily basis with dishes piling up, laundry everywhere, messes abound and me totally exhausted (and yes, I know none of that other stuff matters!), but starting over and doing it again sounds un-doable for me and I hope that changes because in theory, I'd love to have more.
DS will start a two-morning a week preschool in a month and I am so looking forward to a break. We don't have family close or a sitter and so I have literally been glued to DS for 2.5 years without much outside help at all.
Sometimes I think I should've been a working mom, but I know I would have been eaten alive by guilt (not that that's right, but I know I just would've been really upset by not being there and it has always been important to me to be there). But somedays the thought of having a few hours of time away from mommyhood sounds blissful.
Can anyone either comisserrate or help me see the light at the end of the tunnel? When do the handcuffs get loosened? (or do they?) And, how do you not resent your DH for his easier role?
TIA
I know that when I look back I will think, "Why did I complain so much, it was such a short time?" but it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to cope with while I'm in it. And yes to struggling to keep your head above water - this is how I feel so much of the time. Every morning I get on the hamster wheel and just keep going doing the daily tasks of laundry, dishes, etc. I constantly say to DH, "Why were we made to eat THREE times a day (or more)? How inefficient! If I had a say, we'd eat once a week and then have six days off from grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, etc.!" Of course DH always points out that we'd have the intellect of a bear, but some days that sounds just fine.
:
: - she's just constantly demanding and nothing ever seems to be good enough.)
