feeling like AP/GD is a crock. RANT/VENT - Page 2

[aspenleaves]

IT sounds like you are getting some great advice. From reading your post the first thing that comes to mind for me is it sounds like you think that if you put all of these certain ingredients together that you will get a certain outcome? I found myself thinking this along the way. The truth is you choose your parenting AP style for you, not for your children. I know that sounds backward, and of coarse your children benefit from your conscious parenting choices but you are choosing them because you believe they are the best way to raise and nurture your child.... not because you want your child (as a child) to behave like you wish. Right?

[Snuzzmom]

Do you need the MDC Vigilante Squad to come have a little "talk" with your husband? :

He needs to get with the program. That will help a lot, because then you aren't the Mean Mommy and he's the Fun Daddy... a totally unfair dynamic, especially since it sounds like you're the main caregiver.

Lack of sleep, Lord... I know how extreme the difference with my DS when he naps and when he does not, and that's only after one day!! It's truly awful when they won't sleep. My best suggestion here would be do find some threads about starting an earlier routine. If you really meant 10:30PM, that seems awfully late for BOTH of you. Sleep begets sleep. It's totally counter-intuitive to me, but my DS always sleeps better and longer and will NAP if he goes to bed early.

How's her sugar intake? That's the other thing that could be setting her off; somehow, though, I don't get from what you said that that is an issue.

Big hugs. You're doing great-- really.

[InMediasRes]

There are a lot of good ideas here, but I wanted to touch on getting breaks during the day. Mine is 28 months and he's starting to give up his nap too, and the sleep battles have been epic around here. I noticed that on days that he doesn't nap, I start trying to take little breaks from him all day. A few minutes on the computer here, a load of laundry there, a bathroom break that I don't really need, etc. On days like this, I'm not really getting what I want because I never get a real break, and he starts getting off because I'm not spending any real time with him. So you need to find yourself a way to get a break COMPLETELY AWAY from him and use some of that time to calm yourself about the struggles. Actively letting go of some of this (sleep, specifically) was the best way for me to deal with it.

And I also notice that I start getting really short with DS when I'm feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. It's really hard to me not to take all the screaming/whining/hitting personally. I get down on myself and all my choices, and then my son acts out because I stopped trying, and then I feel more lousy because he's acting out. To counter this, I try to find one or two things every day to do with him that I know I can do successfully. Then I try to look back on that at the end of the day and say, "I did a good job today," even when I don't feel like I did.

We do use time out for violence and some danger issues. My son has this table that he always climbs up on when he wants my attention, and time out is the only thing that has helped him stop this, and yes, we tried lots of climbing on other things, etc. For other things, like not putting feet in cat bowls (for us it is not putting toys in the potty ) using positive statements has made a huge difference for us. I feel like [I]I'm[I] more positive when I do it, and I feel like I didn't spend the whole day saying "no".

The thing you mention about choices making things worse seems to always happen to us when DS is hungry, and then it's a huge fit about what he wants to eat. I've started just putting something filling on his table that I know he will eat. I know it's not a choice, but he is so much better once I get some food into him.

Best of luck, mama. It sounds like you're having a really rough time. I know that having no help at home makes things really hard. I always feel like I'm in overdrive at the end of the day and then I fall into bed at night dead. ((HUGS)) to you, and please find some time to take a breath and take care of yourself.

----
Leah, SAHM to Andrew 3/31/07 and Jane 3/1/09

[lolar2]

This is so un-crunchy.... Sometimes when DS gets like this (though, thank goodness, the other adults in his life are more helpful than the other adults in your life sound), I give him some junk food and he has a sugar crash and falls asleep. Desperate times. Maybe that could count as "consensual living" or something!

Also is she missing her father a lot? Does she get to talk to him? W

[readytobedone]

thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support. i sooo needed it

i had a talk with DH on the phone the other night and he said he is willing to work with me on consistent boundaries, being on the same page about rules, etc.

he is a good daddy--but we just have far different tolerance thresholds for behavior, and different ideas of what's appropriate and what isn't.

i did get a break yesterday (my mom kept DD for ~4 hours) and got to work on my dissertation. working actually really helps me de-stress w/my parenting, because once i can cross off something on my to-do list, i feel more relaxed with DD, and it doesn't matter so much if she's being difficult, because i don't need to "do" something else.

i thought a lot about the whole sensory thing, which some of you mentioned.
i completely agree there is something to that with DD. yesterday i tried reframing all of her "misbehavior" as a sensory need, and it worked 95% of the time. like, if she was jumping on a chair, i told her let's get down and jump on this pillow, etc. if she wanted to press all the buttons on the DVD player, i'd give her an old calculator and let her press buttons to her heart's content. i just tried to think of it that way--she needs this sensory experience, how do i let her have it--instead of she's disobeying or not listening. and it really helped.

she REALLY likes manipulating small objects with her hands (like beads). in fact at home we have to watch her very closely because she'll get a screwdriver out and try to unscrew things around the house

so i gave her a small box of beads and some jacks to pour, sort, hide, etc. that helped a TON and kept her entertained for a long time.

i think part of the problem is when she gets "off," and isn't getting what she needs from me, she tries to reconnect by jumping on me, crashing into me, getting all in my face (and sometimes bonking me, even just by accident) and i just HATE it. it doesn't bother DH, but it just makes me feel like i'm being assaulted. i really, really can't stand a lot of roughhousing, and i find myself shutting down and pushing her away

but maybe if i can help her meet her need for sensory stuff in other ways, there won't be as much of that? a win-win situation.

sleep is still an issue, but it's generally much better at home (like she naps pretty consistently and goes to bed around 9-9:30), so i'm just chalking it up to vacation.

plus, every few months, she tends to go through a period of not wanting to go to bed till really late--maybe it's a growth spurt/developmental leap.

thank you again so so much.

it really helped also to be reminded that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and the test of how well she's "turned out" isn't how she behaves today at age 2. i think i knew that, but i really needed to hear it again

[RollerCoasterMama]

Hooray! That's awesome! Isn't it amazing what a stepping back can do?? (And getting a little time to yourself can work miracles!)

About the assaulting you to get your attention -- totally been there!!! DS does it...but one thing I read that really helps...Big squishy bear hugs several times a day. They get extra mama touches, it fills a sensory need, and seems to help with the pokes, prods, crashes, hits, climbing, pulling, etc on the mama.

Keep it up!!!!

[Hedwig_Fly]

You've gotten a lot of really great advice so far. I have a couple questions/suggestions based on my personal experience with my girls (I have 3 and they are 5, 3, and 1).

* When your DD is hitting, biting, pinching do you notice a need/drive behind it? After she has accomplished her bite, pinch whatever do you see a sense of release or calming factor?

My middle daughter, when she used to get upset, would have an extreme drive to hurt someone (mostly me). We would try to redirect her - tell her if you really need to bit you are welcome to bit this pillow but you are not allowed to hurt people. This technique did not typically work for her and she ended up more frustrated. Sometimes, as terrible as it is, I would just let her bite me (at least she wasn't biting one of her sisters) and that is when I would notice her need going away. I don't at all think this is a great way to handle it - but after physically trying to keep her from biting me for a period of time I just needed to end the struggle. Oh and all this really started just after she turned 2. We started noticing other issues with her too that just kept getting worse - behavior and physical. She wouldn't go to sleep naps or night time, she would scream allot, she started having terrible eczema on her lower body, very rashy checks, and a distended belly. The now short version of her story is she has food intolerances that manifest in behavior issues. We have now eliminated ~ 24 different foods for her and she is doing 100 times better. We have been able to determine that gluten causes rage type feelings for her and corn causes lots of screaming. Now I'm not saying this is your DD’s issue but I just wanted to throw it out there for you to consider. DD2 is still a spirited child but we can at least try to reason with her now and her extreme need to hurt others has gone away (well she's still a now 3 year old so she has her moments of hitting and swiping - but now they are what I consider age appropriate).

* Is your DD the type of child that likes to take in her whole environment? Is she very touchy - as in does she have a need to explore and touch everything in her world? Does she have a hard time calming down when there are too many new things around? Does she have a hard time transitioning?

I have to answer yes to all the above questions regarding my first DD. She is a sensory seeker. She takes in everything new about her world and has a very hard time stopping and decompressing and she has always been this way even as a tiny infant. When she was a baby (and even now sometimes) you could take her to a party or shopping and she would be great, she may not nap but she would be relatively good. However, trying to leave was hard she never wants to stop. Then when we would get home where it was quite and things were familiar she would freak-out into terrible screaming temper tantrums and the only thing we could do was to sit with her, try to support her with comforting words, and wait for her to decompress. Once decompressed she would/will crawl up in our laps for lots of reassurance, hugs, and kisses only then could we move onto bedtime or whatever else we were going to do. Ways we have found to help her before getting to total freak-out - are physical touch is really important, connected time with me, spinning time, dry skin brushing. We have been working to teach her to ask for these things as she starts to feel out of control. For her I believe, she becomes overwhelmed as she tries to understand everything. She also goes through terrible whiney, needy, and just plain out of control periods right before a major jump in development (either physical growth or emotional development). It’s like her brain is trying to configure her new world - or as her preschool teacher said think of it like a puzzle she has all figured out - then a period of development comes and scatters all the puzzle pieces - they now have to be reassembled. During the reassembly period - she experiences emotional upheaval then all of a sudden she calms down and is able to show us all the new things she can do. I totally sympathize with you though because DD1 is sometimes so whiney and needy it takes every ounce of my patience. I have to remind myself - when she is that bad she normally just needs me to hold her and rub her skin. I try to ask her if she needs some mommy touch time - will that help her feel better - she almost always says "yes" but sometimes she'll ask for something else.

Well now that I've written you a book (Sorry). I'll send you lots of hugs - try not to be so hard on yourself these little people are just that little people learning and experiencing life for the first time. We are here to guide them and learn along the way how to help them and ourselves become great individuals. Lots of hugs

[One_Girl]

Have you tried laying down with her for a nap? It may help her to sleep better and it will help you to refuel your energy. You may also need to be perservearant and tell her that it is nap time now and keep laying her back down beside you for a nap. My dd really needed a set nap time at this age to be able to sleep well. Starting before or after 1 led to difficult nap times, but if we laid down at one she would be asleep quickly. I think that there are some situations in which telling makes more sense than asking and when clear boundaries are important. I don't think that clear boundaries and telling children what needs to happen at times undermines children's ability to grow up to live up to the long term goals that parents have for them.

[greeba]

Going through some similar situations as you --- biting, pinching, and it helped me a lot to read what everyone has written here. And also feels like if I have a lot of work to do (I work from home) that I want him to leave me alone so I can get it done.

I'll have to try the jacks idea. I think DS would like that.

Thanks everyone.

Greta

[alexsam]

I have not read all the responses, so... If I repeat, excuse me!

Whenever anyone says this, I always think "What is the alternative?" Like you said spanking, CIO, etc. And... do you REALLY think those kids are better? Some of the most wild, obnoxious and difficult kids have had CIO, spakings, the "limits" you are talking about, etc. The reason is that many of these behaviros are just what kids do. They have tantrums in the grocery store if you spank them or not. They pull the cats tail. They pinch. They go through really frustrating nap stuff. Do you REALLY think all those "mainstream" people don't have the same problems?

As for difficult, continual 2 yr olds... I can SO relate. I would end many days in tears. It does get better. 2 (and 3) is hard.

[Green_Ma_4]

I jsut wanted to mention something, and what I am about to say is in now way saying that you shouldnt correct the behaviour or that you are to blame or anything like thatt, but.....

children sence energy.....people sence energy. It doesnt matter how much sleep your daughter gets, if she is absorbing worn out resentful energy from you,I doubt that that sleep would do her any good.

I think that if you get your feelings of resentment , and create your oen boundries for yourself, you will find that your daughters behaviour will change immensly.

Its a hard thing, this parenting job.....but its also amazingly rewarding

hugs and support
Phoenix

[GradysMom]

I could have guessed your daughters age by the title, and I wasn't too far off.

Somewhere, I think in the stickies is a great list of how to do AP/GD and the one that has always stuck with me is FIRMLY INSIST. sometimes it's like a brick wall, just insist... use touch.... I remember a lot of yelling (ds now 36mo).. a lot of frustration that was cured by going backwards to what he needed at 18 mo, a lot of "let me help you make the right decision" while I took the item away or walked him by hand away, or picked him up and removed him.

She, you dd, regressed because dh is away, because your attention is split. I say this having spent 5 weeks homeless alone with ds, living with one relative or friend a week here and there back in March. After two or so miserable weeks feeling like I was failing and he was rotten... I snapped out of it. Bottom line - the only person I HAVE to be is his mother....not a friend, daughter, or neice... those 5 weeks his life was upside down too and he needed me to stay more centered in my role instead of trying to escape my own misery.

After I got that... I started having a nice time with him again.... consider it.

[sapphire_chan]

If it's any comfort, I've been told that the hard times with kids go in 6 month cycles*, so by the time she's 33 months (if not before) she could be totally easy to be with.

*Something to do with developmental leaps.

[schreiberwriter]

My DS was difficult at that age. It helped to show him what I was asking him to do or to physically stop him so he understood exactly what I was asking. It increases understanding and reinforces that I'm serious.

No one should have to parent a small child for more than 12 hours at a time. We're meant to have involved partners and a community. Don't blame yourself for not being perfect when so much is being asked of you. You need help.

[ghostlykisses]

I did not read the other responses so I am sorry if this is a repeat of something someone else said....

My former neighbor, a wise mother of TEN (some grown adults and some small children) always was big on sleep for small children. She told me all the time when my kids would act up that lack of sleep was the issue.

Sadly lack of sleep leads to more lack of sleep when they become over tired.

My neighbor would probably have suggested that you take a good two or three weeks and plan to just hunker down at home and do nothing but work on your little one's routines and sleep habits. She would tell you how it will be a lot of work and you will get frustrated. She would tell you that when it was naptime be firm and go in and lay with your child and have them stay the desired amount of time no matter how much they fuss. Same goes for bedtime. She would warn you that it was going to be really hard but worth it. She would remind you that you would have to sacrifice time outside the house for awhile because it was super important to stay on schedule with the nap and bedtime.

These are all the things she told me. I thought I would share them with you just for something to think about.