stalemate

[transformed]

I HAVE to send my ds to school. He is 6 and will enter kindergarten. The last time I tried to take him to school, he would run off and I would be dragging his two baby sisters around campus searching for him. it was awful. So I withdrew him.

I am trying again. This time I dont have the option of pulling him if its not convenient and I'm scared.

We are going for a tour tomorrow and all he is saying is "I'm not going to school."

He wont discuss it, talk about feelings, nothing.


help.

[karne]

Is there more backstory or information you could provide for clarification? I'm not sure what you mean by 'has" to go to school? Does his desire not to go to school have some foundation you could elaborate on?

[transformed]

were plannin on hs.

[kmeyrick]

Does he go to any activities where you might leave him for an hour? A school like setting? Like Sunday School? Not assuming, just giving an example. It might help him get used to the idea of school. Perhaps put him in a structured activity where you are either not present or in the background?

ETA I would have a teacher or someone meet you at the car to take your son so he cannot run away or at least so you aren't alone if he does. Maybe someone cool, like the gym teacher, who can reassure him and give him some attention.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by transformed

I HAVE to send my ds to school.

Originally Posted by transformed

were plannin on hs.

I don't get it. If you're planning on home schooling, why do you have to send your ds to school?

I'm lost.

[sunanthem]

Sometimes folks plans change, S&O, maybe she got a job, or is going to school herself,...

Anyway, transformed, we were planning on hs too, and did for preschool and the like, then tried a private school that my son liked but was asked to leave.. which set up all kind of failure/ restentment stuff... so this year we are PSing, all summer he went back and forth about wanting to go to school, then right up to the end kept saying he wasnt going to school. I talked to him about what it would and would not be like, and to just try it and see what he thought- I knew he would actually like it thought, b/c he likes going anywhere there are other kids to be with...

So try to find any positives that he might like.. any kind of special things the school has, like a garden, or computer lab, or even riding the bus.. (my 6 yr. old ds was won over by the lab and bus, while I was won over by the garden) Also ask if he can have a tour of the school, and maybe meet his teacher, and the office folks, just whomever so he may feel more comfortable going in. Maybe read some kids books together with characters who go to schools like his.

Alot of kids and parents are nervous at first, but after a few weeks start to settle in. If it turns out to be more resistance then that, tell his teacher and perhaps school counselor.
I hope he winds up liking school, and if not, maybe another school??? Or counseling?? Sorry i cant be of more help.

[MattBronsil]

One question I've found that often works with children is "What would you do if....."

In this example, the question would be, "What would you do if you stayed home all day?" Get him to imagine all the things he would do. This will help ease him into a discussion of things he will do at school as well as a discussion of how those things will still be there at home when he has completed school.

I remember seeing a teacher do this to a child I was trying to calm and it was a lesson that really opened my eyes. She was 6 at the time. A minute or so after coming to school, she started screaming and wanting to leave to go with her mother. (Who wasn't there anyway at the time). I held her, to comfort her as much as not let her just run out the door. She was hysterical, not talking to me, and I thought it would just take time and patience to let her get it all out because no trick I was doing was working.

The other teacher came over and said, "It sounds like you really miss your mom. What would you do if you could be with her right now?"

The girl started saying stuff she would imagine she could do (as if working moms have time to drop their kids off at school then go to the park, eat ice cream, and swing on the swings for a few hours while they wait to pick up their child.)

The girl calmed down as she started talking about it. The teacher simply said, "That sounds like fun. Maybe you can write a book about it later when we have our work period and you can read it to your mom tonight."

Talk about an instant change in the child....

[sunnmama]

Call the school counselor and explain your concerns and goals. He or she should be able to help. They also need to be aware of the issue so that they can keep your ds safe while he is at school.

[GuildJenn]

I think you really need to model for him too.

If you feel defeated, like a failure, tired out, etc. taking him to school - he will pick up on that. Not that it's not okay to have feelings about it, but you can refocus on the positive:

- although you need to have a plan based on experience, assume that this year will be different. Talk up the good parts of going to school - new things to learn and experience, friends, recess, accomplishments he's going to achieve.

- talk about how excited you are for him and good thoughts you have about school

- discuss with him how the day will work and do a run-through or two

[transformed]

He acts like a smartass when I try to be clever like "What will you do all day?" He will reply "sit around and do nothing." or "watch TV."

aaahhh! LOL.

I just realized I need to read a book about power struggles. Seriously. Cause we got'em. Bad.

We have the choice of uber religious, public, and a montessori school here. The montessori school is off the table now because the administrator wont give us a tour without him and we wanted to check it out first before we brought him in. :

The uber religious schools are off the table because we arent uber religious.

So it comes down to the public school which it ok. just crowded! and I am going to talk to them about what special things we can do to help him get used to it. :

[laohaire]

Yeah, I'm confused too. Why does he HAVE to go to school? You were planning on HS, but what circumstances changed? And what, if anything, does it have to do with DS's refusal to go to PS? Your latest post makes me think HE wants to HS but you don't? I'm just totally confused.

[transformed]

Here is what is going on:

-I have a wild 19 mo old
-I have a 3 yr old
-I have a fairly newly diagnosed mental illness that I am working on getting in check (it really messes with my ability to be consistant)
-I have a husband who needs me to do a cirriculum which I do not have the ability do do at the moment...especially with this child who is completley uncooperative in anything I try.
-There is not any support for homeschoolers in my community and we do not have the gas money to travel to a town where there is...I have started several groups - people are just not interested in fostering a community here.
-So we sit at home every day while my very social and active son has no friends.
(We dont have $$ for extras like karate and sports classes.)
Its not off the table completley but I need to get my ducks in a row and at the moment, they are not. in a few years perhaps.

[Freefromitall]

have you talked with the staff at all? I doubt that your kid is the first to try to run home. Maybe they would have some ideas, or at very least, they should be given a heads up.

[transformed]

I will talk to them. I need a free minute without A. following me around! LOL. I think issue # 1 is that he is always at my feet and so I tend to talk about stuff in front of him that I totally shouldnt. It gives him ammo to use against me because he hears my frustrations.

I am improving in that department...still swimming though.

[A&A]

Is he gifted? Maybe school is incredibly boring. My dd was ready to drop out in Kindergarten. A grade skip really helped her.

So, you had put him in Kindergarten last year (when you had to withdraw)? Why is he not going into 1st grade now? Maybe he feels the "failure" of having to repeat K again.


I'd suggest not making it a power struggle. You could say something like, "The first day, I want you to stay for five minutes. After five minutes, I will come and pick you up." And then do it. (Talk to the teacher ahead of time, of course.)

The second day you could make it 10 or 15 minutes, and so on. Eventually he'll want to stay, I think, because it will be his choice instead of you making him.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I think you really need to model for him too.

If you feel defeated, like a failure, tired out, etc. taking him to school - he will pick up on that. Not that it's not okay to have feelings about it, but you can refocus on the positive:

- although you need to have a plan based on experience, assume that this year will be different. Talk up the good parts of going to school - new things to learn and experience, friends, recess, accomplishments he's going to achieve.

- talk about how excited you are for him and good thoughts you have about school

- discuss with him how the day will work and do a run-through or two

:

Originally Posted by A&A

So, you had put him in Kindergarten last year (when you had to withdraw)? Why is he not going into 1st grade now? Maybe he feels the "failure" of having to repeat K again.


I'd suggest not making it a power struggle. You could say something like, "The first day, I want you to stay for five minutes. After five minutes, I will come and pick you up." And then do it. (Talk to the teacher ahead of time, of course.)

The second day you could make it 10 or 15 minutes, and so on. Eventually he'll want to stay, I think, because it will be his choice instead of you making him.

This.

I also think it might help you to change your frame of mind.

In the Op you said:

I HAVE to send my Ds to school.

Um, no, you don't. You are choosing to. Weighing everyones needs you have decided it is best for your family if Ds attends school. There is absolutely nothing wrong with insisting he give it another go.

Choice is empowerment. Feeling you have to do something is a bit victum-y. Reframe this action (sending Ds to school) for everyones benefit.

Good luck! I hope I am not being too harsh - I do hope school works great for your son and your family.

Kathy

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by transformed

He acts like a smartass when I try to be clever like "What will you do all day?" He will reply "sit around and do nothing." or "watch TV."

It is not a clever vs. unclever thing, though. What you're doing is understanding the child more.

"What would you do all day?"
"Watch TV."
"That sounds like fun. What would you watch?"
"The X-Men eat Dora because she has an annoying back pack."
"Yeah...I hate her back pack too."

Ok...so that's not the show he'd say he would watch. But you cannot convince a child he doesn't want to go to school. To do so is a losing battle.

Convince them that what they're feeling is appropriate. In reality, be happy that he doesn't want to go to school. It means he loves home. But realize he'll learn to love school, too. (Assuming it's the right environment).

I just realized I need to read a book about power struggles. Seriously. Cause we got'em. Bad.

2 books to recommend:

1) http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/detail/0380811960
2) http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/detail/1583940324

The 2nd one is more for elementary years, but I still see so much in how to view children in the ages I teach (3-6 year olds). It might be a great book that would help you as well. Either way, it's a fascinating read and probably the best book I have ever read.

Matt

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by sunanthem

Sometimes folks plans change, S&O, maybe she got a job, or is going to school herself,...

I read that post different, apparently. I guess lack of spelling/punctuation/full sentences will do that. It could have read "We were planning on homeschooling" or "We're planning on homeschooling".

[transformed]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

I read that post different, apparently. I guess lack of spelling/punctuation/full sentences will do that. It could have read "We were planning on homeschooling" or "We're planning on homeschooling".

yeah sorry - my keyboard is on the fritz. I try to type as little as possible.

[momtoalexsarah]

He sounds a little lke my 5yo - active, bright and a little bit of a handfull - I would talk to the school and see where they want to place him. At 6yo I would think that he should be in grade 1 - my son is a Sept birthday and he is going into grade 1 this year. Another year of kindy would be boring(he has had JK and SK). Talk to the teachers. why don't you want to tour the Montisory school with him? Get his impresion, see him in action to see if it is a good fit.