Is this a horrible thought? - Page 2

[Famatigia]

Here I am, back to answer some things.

First, I hoped to make it clear enough in the first post. I would NEVER deny her of her biological history. If she wants to meet him when she gets older, I am one hundred percent okay with that. I understand FULLY.. the primal bond that biology brings. I carried a baby.. and I gave him away. I learned first hand, that nothing ANYONE can do or say can take away the burning desire inside for your biology. It's why nature works SO well.

He can know her.. and see her, but I don't feel it's right to trust him to be the father she needs and deserves when he can't even take care of himself.

I never said I was going to pretend like my partner is her father. He would BE her father. When she gets old enough to understand, I will tell her the truth.. the whole truth. I would not even deny her biological fathers rights to see her, but he could not take her.. alone. It's risky and unsafe.. and just plain cant happen.

Right now.. I am facing her feeling neglected and unloved and unwanted by this guy. He has chosen his priorities in life and they don't include a baby.. It's all cash and some drugs in his pocket. I already shared that he gave up custody of his current daughter back to her mothers care so he could jump both feet back into the meth world.

When I met him.. he was turning his life around. He was raising his daughter, he was working, he was living in a place and supporting himself. Sure, he had a couple bad habits at the time. Smoking cigarettes and the recreational beer here and then. I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams expected or wanted to get pregnant by him. But when I did.. I took it as a blessing. Abortion was my only other option. Believe me, I considered it quite often, but how was that fair for her either?

I just want whats best for this little girl. I feel, in my heart, that its my responsibility to do whats best for my daughter. I feel like giving her security, stability and love.. is what she deserves.

[ElliesMomma]

i just read your second post. just do it mama! you don't need anybody's permission.

[Selesai]

I agree with Seasons.
Several times I have seen threads where mothers, under the guise of "protecting" their children, urge others to make it harder for a father to see or know their child. Some even advocate outright lying.

I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.

OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.

[Sharon, RN]

Marry your partner and protect your child. I believe NC has the same kind of law.

I could maybe see a difference if the biological father and/or his family had expressed interest in the child, but they haven't. You have opened that door and kept it open, but he hasn't walked through. I have been both a stepmother and a single mother, and I've seen and experienced women (including me) and children going through so much pain and expense to make the NCP (in this situation, the dad) "part of the child's life" when the NCP doesn't make any real effort to be involved. (In fact, my xh's interest in DS1 seems to revolve around whatever his current girlfriend wants. )

And unless he's currently in trouble for the meth, it may not make a difference in court. You can shout from the rooftops about his drug habit, but unless he has a current arrest or conviction, it may not matter- and then your child would have visitation with him.

Allowing your husband to be her father does not mean she can't or won't know her biological father if and when he shows a real want and need to be involved. I don't think you're making it harder for him- in fact, you've made it easy so far and he's chosen to ignore her. If he's not willing to accept the responsibility of a child, than I don't think he has a right to demand to be her "Dad," ifkwim.

[Rosehip]

IF you & DP are committed to each other, and would not otherwise be opposed to marriage because of problems in the relationship, get hitched! Go down to city hall tomorrow mama!

[Famatigia]

Thanks, mamas.

[BeckC]

I vote to get married!

You can have DP be DC's legal father and still acknowledge that he is not her bio father. I wouldn't lie about it to DC because that is just a bad idea all around.

If you had already been married to DP when you got pregnant he would be the legal father regardless. If BF (bio father) gets his act together and decides that he wanted to petition the court, he still can. You're not keeping anybody from anybody.

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by Selesai

I agree with Seasons.
Several times I have seen threads where mothers, under the guise of "protecting" their children, urge others to make it harder for a father to see or know their child. Some even advocate outright lying.

I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.

OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.

wow. opinions like this make me think the person has never been personally screwed by the system, and it happens ALL the time.
Unfortunately, the courts don't always get it right. You say that "of course you wont hand your baby over to him" but you know what??? If she doesn't marry her partner, and lets this drug dealing winner have his parental rights, all it would take would be one paternity test, some wool pulled over a social workers eyes, or a bleeding heart judge who believes all kids need to know their father, worthless as they might be, and she might very well be LEGALLY OBLIGATED, under threat of police intervention/criminal charges, into doing EXACTLY that..handing over her kid to a meth-addict.......would YOU want to hand over your completely attached, breastfed 1 year old for an OVERNIGHT visit with said meth-head?? Cuz in my state, chances are, you'd be ordered to do exactly that.


OP - you are totally on track. Protect your kid. Marry dp, get him listed as the father. Make it REALLY HARD for the bio-dad to attempt to enter your life and screw with you on a whim. Because that's all it would take..a whim...or someone puts an idea in his head, and he could take you on an awful ride.....blackmail you for money in excange for not pursuing his rights (ive seen this happen a lot) or just plain decide he wants to make you suffer by taking your kid away from you, etc.

if he does truly clean up at some future point, it sounds like you would not be looking to prevent him from an appropriate relationship at that time.

[momtokimari]

I'd do it. For all the reasons everyone else brought up. And for those people worried about "lying" to your child or the feelings of the crappy bio-dad.... They are wrong. Here's why:

My dad is a GREAT father. He's also not legally my dad because my mom got married to someone else after she and he split during her pregnancy. So for all intents and purposes, her new husband was my dad. For the next few years anyway. Until they divorced and he moved to another state. I continued to think he was my dad for years after that, but in that time my biological father showed up and started hanging around as "an old friend of my mom's" and I didn't even question it. What little girl questions why someone wants to spend time with her and spend money on her, right? And a couple years later my oldest sister spilled the beans that he was really my dad. And not too long after, my parents came clean. Which was funny since I couldn't act shocked so they knew I already knew. I didn't start finally calling him dad until I was 15 but I would never blame any of my parents for keeping it from me. It was the easiest thing to do at the time and it kept our lives as uncomplicated as possible. And my legal father (who is not a great guy) has still seen me a few times since then and never contested paternity to get out of the child support he owes my mom even though he knows I'm not his.... He's never told his family though. They all think that I'm his. Though none of them showed up to my wedding.... But I digress.

I'm saying get married if you and your DP love eachother and want to make your entire family legitimate.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Selesai

I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.

One parent can't unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are. The courts can get involved at any point, and they can override either parent...or both.

OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.

He knows she exists! She stated that he's not interested in her pregnancy and his mom didn't know about the baby until she got baby shower invitation. This isn't a mom trying to hide paternity from anyone. She's just trying to provide her new dd with some legal protection from a meth addict.

As for the stuff about making it harder for the bio-dad to parent. I don't even get this. My ex is a crack addict. I've never blocked his access to ds1 - only have a court ruling specifying that said access must be supervised by someone acceptable to me. And, in the 9 years since we split up, my ex has barely made any effort to see ds1. He hasn't even laid eyes on him in almost 3 years...and it was a year before that, and another year before that (Christmas Eve 2007, 2006 & 2005, and my ex-SIL's house, to be exact). There is nothing I could do that would affect his ability to "be a parent"...because he isn't one. Being a parent takes more than eating Christmas Eve dinner with someone once a year. The guy the OP was involved with seems to be operating on about the same level.

[Famatigia]

I have tried everything in my power to get her biological father, P, to be interested in her. Early in the pregnancy, he asked for ultrasound reports. I brought them to him. I also brought him the very first outfit I bought for my daughter. I told him that maybe seeing that outfit would make her seem more real.. I never heard from him again.

I saw him directly next door to my house visiting.. well, a past meth user. I saw him there TWO days in a row and he knows where I live and he saw me drive by. He didn't make any effort to come say hi.. or ask how his daughter is doing. Nothing. He never even looked my way. I found myself obsessively watching him from behind the curtains, desperate for some sign.. that he cared.

It seems to me that he doesn't believe she is his, which is ridiculous. I obsess over this sort of stuff.. her.. how she will feel about him or her lack of him, or the decisions I make. It's so hard for me to imagine that he doesn't want anything to do with her. I just think.. that he has such a hard head to think that I would choose HIM to be her father, you know? That I would try to pin my sweet, precious daughter on someone of his kind, like he is actually a GOOD thing for her, when it's actually the opposite that is true. I welcome him as her father, because he is.. and it is her god given right to know him, should she decide.

I just wonder.. why would I subject my daughter to being unwanted? Unloved? Full of hope and wonder.. for someone who can't give that back? Do I not marry my partner right now.. and let him fall into Ps hands, demand a paternity test, which will show she is his daughter, THEN he will decide it's a good time to come around? This doesn't make sense. How to you decide to suddenly love someone. He's missing the excitement.. the anticipation.. the hope.. the wonder.. and the.. love.. to build for this little lady.

Like his family.. they were invited to my shower, but they didn't come. Apparently they had a prior engagement.. to help a cousin move. BUT.. they said.. they would send a gift... and could they have my phone number so they could call and talk to me? I didn't ever want a damn gift. I wanted to know they cared. I felt, in my heart, that if I saw them there, I would know they cared. I would know they wanted to be a part of her. I also thought I might gain some insight on how P really felt about it all. Like I said.. they didn't come.. and they didn't send a gift.. and they didn't call. I have to feel like I get it. Like it's crystal effing clear.

I only want whats best for her... what, ultimately, in the end.. can be reflected upon and felt like it was the RIGHT thing to do.. the BEST thing for one very, very special.. and wanted.. little girl.

[ElliesMomma]

sounds like he's not interested b/c he *is* interested in the meth. (maybe his family is into it too?) i just saw a bill curtis special on meth users last night on cable. scary, scary stuff.

please tell me you are making your plans to get married to your long time partner already!

[amynbebes]

I don't think it's horrible at all.

[annie2186]

Originally Posted by amynbebes

I don't think it's horrible at all.

:

[meemee]

mama my concern would be your marriage.

why are you getting married.

because your DP and you want to get married and your dd just fit into the plans?

or did the marriage idea come up because of your dd?

in case dp and you decide to split later on - would he continue to parent your dd too?

[VocalMinority]

Reading the ongoing discussion, I'd like to reaffirm my support for the OP.

A PP mentioned how awful it is for one parent to unilaterally decide to restrict the other parent's rights or access to the child and to justify it by saying they're "protecting" the child. Nobody hates that more than I do!!! My husband was tormented by that kind of crap for 8 years before he finally got sole custody of his son - and it cost him every cent of his life's savings.

But there's a very important difference between:

* A Mom who just doesn't want to share her child with an ex who is a competent parent, so she twists every trivial thing she doesn't like about him into something the child needs to be "protected" from, to justify her own selfishness; and

* A Mom who conceived a child with a man who doesn't want to parent, or who makes life choices that a child unquestionably must be protected from.

Assuming everything the OP has said about her ex-BF is true, she is not trying to keep this guy out of her daughter's life. There is a more stable, more willing alternative father-figure for her daughter and she's wondering if it's OK to cement that relationship, so that guy can actually be "Dad". (Or look at it this way: If, God forbid, something happens to Mom in the next few years, this baby can continue to be raised by the guy who has actually been her Daddy, without worries about bio-dad or his family deciding to take her away, when they hadn't been involved before.) How can that be wrong, especially when the OP seems pretty clearly willing to let bio-dad and his family be involved, if they were interested?

And the idea of a baby that a woman conceives with her lover being the legal child of her husband is by no means a novel bit of manipulation. Laws like that have existed since the Victorian age, at least. They're a bit curious today, in that they give a certain implication that women are the property of their husbands, but the bottom line is that such laws are meant to defend the sanctity of a family - ALL the members, including the existing children - and they presume that an intact family is a more stable environment for the new child than being raised by a man who impregnated someone else's wife. Today, that may not always be the case. But it DOES seem to be the case, for the OP. And it's not like she got a new boyfriend and is marrying him to spite the last one. She's already been with her common-law husband for 15 years and they have other children together.

You're doing the right thing, Famatigia. But quit stalking your ex-BF through the curtains. If you're going to do this, you have to try to focus on your husband and work on letting go of any feelings about the other guy, even anger, resentment or rejection. Any emotional energy you direct toward him is destructive to your family, at this point. He's made his choices and you've made yours. Be strong.

[MadiMamacita]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

quit stalking your ex-BF through the curtains. If you're going to do this, you have to try to focus on your husband and work on letting go of any feelings about the other guy, even anger, resentment or rejection. Any emotional energy you direct toward him is destructive to your family

:

and another vote to marry DP!!! asap! baby could come early, get thee (and thine) to the courthouse!

[Mom2Joseph]

If I were in the OP's shoes I would not be rushing to marry *anyone*.

The OP's judgement obviously hasn't been the best as of late and I'm not sure racing into a marriage right now is going to 'fix' much of anything....and actually may complicate things unduly for all parties concerned. Just imagining the legal fees alone at this point gives me the heebie-jeebies.

To the OP - I do commend you for making a choice that is right for you - having the child - when in all actuality it might have been easier to do otherwise (and no judgements if you had). I also commend you for wanting to make choices now that are good and protective of your unborn child. Unfortunately, there is almost nothing you can do to remove the rights the father has. That choice was made when you both had unprotected sex and produced a child. He is the father. You can marry who you want, call the baby what you want, etc. etc. But that man is the child's biological father and nothing is going to change that.

[Selesai]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

One parent can't unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are. The courts can get involved at any point, and they can override either parent...or both.

As for the stuff about making it harder for the bio-dad to parent. I don't even get this. My ex is a crack addict. I've never blocked his access to ds1 - only have a court ruling specifying that said access must be supervised by someone acceptable to me.

Then you obviously didn't "unilaterally" deny access. But you were married, and paternity had been established. That's different from this situation. When a woman chooses to leave off biodad's name from a birth certificate, that's unilateral action that severely limits biodad's ability to at any point take "responsibility" for or know his child. I think that is wrong, EVEN WHEN the mother says they will "let the father in" when THEY determine it's appropriate to do so.

This is a slippery slope. OP is defining (for us) the nature of her baby's father-- a meth addict. She's contemplating actions that would legally identify someone else as her baby's father. Many people here agree that OP has to protect her daughter from this addict. But divorce and custody are ugly, and oftentimes what one parent says about the other is biased and sometimes downright false. That's supposedly why we have courts.

A PP apparently believes me to be naive regarding the legal system, given my opinions. I'm an attorney, and my husband and I spent a lot of money on a custody battle that we lost. I know what the system is like. I know it doesn't work perfectly, by any stretch. But no system does. I don't think that means that we get to maneuver around it based on some sense of moral correctness. The implications of that on both a large and small scale are huge.

And we're not talking about a custody fight here-- the biodad wouldn't even get the opportunity to fight because he wouldn't legally be considered the biodad.

[courtenay_e]

I agree with a pp who said that the law exists for a reason, which is to keep the sanctity of the intact family, well...intact. It assumes that a father who is around, parenting all of the children, will be around to continue to parent this child. And in this case, where the father has already given up custody of another child, a precident has been set for the court, anyway, esp now that he is back into drugs.

I would marry your partner. I would work with HIM on being excited about the impending arrival of your daughter, and I would enjoy the family that you have around you.

Good luck.