Handling overstimulating family get-togethers

[Wild Lupine]

My DD is 30 months old, and is generally calm and cooperative. She does have her stubborn moments, but not any more than a typical two year old testing limits and being willful. She likes to play with us (her parents) but can also entertain herself quietly with books and toys.

But at family get-togethers it is a whole different story. The environment is very overstimulating, with a large, loud TV on in every room. Her older cousins shout loudly and run around. DD gets very excited by all this, to the point where starts doing dangerous things (like jumping down the stairs). She doesn't follow directions, doesn't respond to our usual negotiating/redirection, regresses on using the potty, and last time had a full-fledged melt down, complete with screaming, hitting and biting- very unusal for her.

To complicate matters, other family members think I should discipline her more harshly- put her on a sticker chart for pottying, send her to another room for the melt-down instead of holding her through it, etc... I agree that our usual methods don't work in that environment, but I'm not going to punish my child for being overwhelmed!

I'm starting to limit time spent in these contexts, which seems a shame to limit time with family, but I cannot change the environment and can't stand what happens when we're there. Anyone have any suggestions for helping my DD deal with such stimulation? I should add that she is fine everywhere else- daycare, grocery stores, playgrounds, even indoor play areas, so I don't think there are sensory issues at play, just an abnormal level of noise and activity.

[ssh]

Have you tried taking her for short walks to help calm her down? We take our 3.5 year old for walks when she has trouble behaving. We usually just ask if she'd like to go for a walk. It's distracting, we can talk to each other and she behaves better when we get back.

I agree with you about not changing your discipline style just because your DD is overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed isn't her fault and will get better on it's own with age.

[earthmama369]

We hit that on both sides of the family. On one side, there's always a TV going, lots of noise, lots of junk food, lots of activity. *I* get overstimulated and I'm an adult. I can't imagine being knee-high and surrounded by that. We take the kids outside whenever they shows signs of getting overloaded. It's both quieter (relatively) and more open, so they can run around in the fresh air and recenter a bit. I also bring a mei tai with me and either one can go up on my back for some chill-out time if they want cuddles or if they're not making safe choices. We also limit those visits in frequency and duration.

On the other side of the family, it's calmer, no TV going, etc., but there are usually more people and the kids are just really excited to see them. They're also the only kids there. Everyone else is 27-89 years old. Big difference! So in comparison to everyone else's behavior, they can seem pretty wild and loud sometimes and they DO get wild and loud about halfway through, more often than not, as they vie for attention and get restless. Again with playing outside (dh and I take turns so we also get some sit-down socializing time), keeping a mei tai on hand, but we don't limit these visits. We do remind the kids of what good party manners are and set the expectation ahead of time and that helps, too.

[NiteNicole]

I try to make sure mine eats well before we go, gets a good night's sleep, time outside and a nap if possible (even though she's mostly dropped her naps). Then we go late and leave early. We take turns going outside to let her run or walk it off, or we find the nearest swing and swing for as long as she'll let us. Those tend to help. Even at night.

I hate having to cut visits short because I love being with my family, but once she gets wild and worked up, it's unlikely she's going to calm down and usually by then, she's not even having fun anymore and I feel like we should have been paying more attention and left earlier.

As for "helpful" relatives - I don't know. I don't get a lot of direct comments but I don't invite them either. I don't complain about her and I try very hard not to feel flustered so people don't feel like they have an opening to make a suggestion.

[InMediasRes]

Could you talk to your family about turning off the TV or having those that want to watch go to another room? I know it is kinda drastic, but this drives my son bonkers too.

I say go take regular breaks when you can tell she's getting nuts. We went to a family reunion recently and my son was not himself until the last day when most everyone had left and there were only a few people there.

My DS was so withdrawn with crowds that I finally asked my ped about it, and she told me that the rule for this age ground is about 1 hour attention span and 5 people or fewer. I guess some kids handle being overwhelmed better than mine.

[Sasharna]

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

I'm starting to limit time spent in these contexts, which seems a shame to limit time with family, but I cannot change the environment and can't stand what happens when we're there. Anyone have any suggestions for helping my DD deal with such stimulation?

I think it's fine to go ahead and limit the length and/or frequency of these visits, if that's what you are inclined to do. I figure that the point of a party is to have a good time. If DS is not at a point in his personal development where we can have a good time in a particular setting, we pass it up this time and try again in a few months. It took me a few years to figure out that it's okay to say no to family gatherings if they aren't fun for us, but I don't regret missing anything so far.

[Wild Lupine]

Thanks for the suggestions. We have tried taking her to a quiet room or out for walks, and that does seem to help. The older she gets, though, the harder it is to take her away from the action. Last time I think I waited too long to take her outside- w have a new baby so I was distracted with him- and that's what precipitated the melt down.

I have some opinionated family members, who love offering advice, everything from how the baby in the sling will hurt my back to why they should be sleeping in their own rooms. Usually I can let it roll off my back, but when I'm stressed about how DD is doing it gets to me more.

[NiteNicole]

I don't enjoy the unsolicited advice and I don't like listening to other people get it either. I usually find urgent business in the other room that I *just* remembered. Or my drink has run out. Or I think I hear my phone. Which is in the car and turned off but still!

I also use the old, "oh, no one is even watching this, let's turn it off so I can hear you" works pretty well for tv. I don't understand why people have family gatherings and leave the tvs on. NO ONE is watching ALL of them.