Not how I pictured my life to be...

[JsJa2002]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly. Maybe just to vent, whine, complain...
Ever since I returned from maternity leave in November 07 from having our second, I have not been able to pick up the pace or enjoy my work or even what I do. I'm a secretary for a law firm in DC, but I have to commute 90 minutes each way. I can't stand waking up in the morning and coming in and I spend most of my day wishing I was somewhere else spending time with my family. The ONLY reason I'm here is because I'm the breadwinner and my income is crucial. A similar job making similar money closer to home isn't an option and in this economy, it's just not there anyway. I just want a different way of life. I want to quit this no where job, move out of the area, buy a modest house and work at a job that I enjoy and isn't 45 miles away, once that I can feel happy about doing. I want more kiddies, and I want to enjoy the outdoors with them instead of telling them "I'm sorry we have to wait for the weekend" and then when the weekend comes, we can't because I have to run the errands I wasn't able to get to all week or the house needs to be clean, laundry done etc. I can't stand missing field trips or events and feel guilty for calling out when the kids are sick - which seems to be more often than other co-workers. I'm miserable getting up at 4:30 in the morning and coming home around 6 just to rush the kids around for dinner, bathes and bed. There is no fun time - no time to just hang out, read books together, take walks, go to the park, take a day trip to the mountains, go hiking. If I want to have a day with the kids, nothing else gets done and I'm super stressed all week or trying to cram it all in on Sunday night. DH thinks I've lost my mind and thinks I complain too much. Maybe I do but this isn't how I pictured my life and the way I wanted to raise our children. I'm just an unhappy miserable wife and mother and it's starting to take a toll on the family. Am I the only one that feels this way???? I really thought I would get over it, but it's progressively gotten worse.

Lost and miserable in the suburbs...

[texmama]

Couldn't read and not respond. I have no words of wisdom, just support.

[mommyabroad]

Originally Posted by JsJa2002

The ONLY reason I'm here is because I'm the breadwinner and my income is crucial. ...

Just my two cents ...I think your income is crucial to afford your life as it is, where it is. Your happiness is crucial no matter what. Start making a list of all of your skills, creating a vision for your dream life, and then moving towards it. Think about what your kids will learn in the process -- that work should be an extension of your gifts and talents, that family matters, and that, with a little planning and flexibility, you chose joy.

[sarahtdubb]

Oh mama. Hugs to you!

If it's essential you keep this job, is there any possibility of moving so you're closer to work? Cutting down your commute could do a lot to improve your quality of life. If you moved in closer to DC, you'd be close to this job or whatever job you might have in the future. It might be more expensive, but maybe it would be worth it? You could go to a smaller place? Ditch a car?

And can you pass on any of the errands to your husband? So that you can play on the weekends? Can you hire someone to clean the house once a week?

[Catubodua]

can you start thinking of an exit strategy? even if it's 3 years from now, it may help with your stress.

decide where you will live when you sell your home, figure out how much less a new home will be in a less expensive area, so then you can figure out how much less you can make, which will help you make work decisions, etc, etc.

even if you can't make it all happen today, starting to plan now is not a bad thing to do.

[Snuzzmom]

Loads of love and sympathy for you . Listen to the wise ladies here... try to think creatively about what you want and take steps to make it happen. You CAN improve this situation, it just may take some time.

[nowthree]

I am in a similar boat in Seattle. One of the things that we did was get help with the things that were taking up a bunch of my time. We found a house cleaner to come in twice a month. We order most of our groceries online and hired an au pair for our child care needs. She does all of their laundry, preps dinner and can take them to after school activities. It isn't ideal, but for now it has taken some pressure off and I get more time with my kids.

[angelcollector1]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with life right now. Maybe a few things that would help-

1. You said you're the breadwinner, is your DH a SAHD? If so, is he able to do the errands and things that are taking up all your weekend time during the week so you can spend time with the kids?

2. I can understand about the long commute, when I finally got a job 3 months ago it was 40 miles from home each way and therefore it takes me about 75 minutes to commute and that's without traffic issues- which never happens. Are you able to take public transportation to eliminate the drive so you can do other things while you're getting to the office?

3. Can you telecommute one or two days a week at all? It will eliminate the drive, and give you more time with the babies.

4. I would definitely consider moving closer to the job if it's an option, especially if this is a position you foresee as a long term job/career.

5. Take some time to think about what you like and dislike about the job you're doing and if it's not what makes you happy, is there another option at some point, maybe not right now but possibly in 6 months or a year. Keep in mind that it won't be forever.

[aran]

Originally Posted by mommyabroad

Just my two cents ...I think your income is crucial to afford your life as it is, where it is. Your happiness is crucial no matter what. Start making a list of all of your skills, creating a vision for your dream life, and then moving towards it. Think about what your kids will learn in the process -- that work should be an extension of your gifts and talents, that family matters, and that, with a little planning and flexibility, you chose joy.

ITA with this. FWIW, I made changes I never thought possible. I was feeling like you were, and lost a lot of sleep thinking and planning an escape, and then executed it. As a result, we are living with a lot less material wealth, but we are soooooo much happier - well, I am anyhow, and DH is supportive, though we skate on the edge of financial troubles because of my choices. So - make a plan and execute... find a path to a more satisfying life.

[Dukey25]

I agree, make an exit plan. You may not be able to change your life tomorrow but it may make yourself feel better knowing that you are headed for change.

[LuxPerpetua]

Oh, honey, you sound so miserable.

I absolutely would not stay in that situation. I know one of the worst feelings is feeling like you don't have options, but in your case, I think you actually do, they may just not be perfect.

One thing, you live in DC which is an expensive place to live. I'm from the Deep South, but I have since lived in lots of different parts of the US. I can tell you from experience that living is SOOOOO much cheaper the further south you go. You can get a nice house or apt. for a fraction of the price of one here in PA, and property taxes are a lot cheaper. You may not want to relocate, but I would give serious thought about it. If not the south, there are lots of other places that have a cheaper cost of living than in DC. You are a secretary, so the great news is that your skills are very transferable and liquid (meaning, you aren't tied to a specific geographic location). I would be doing lots of internet searching for a place to relocate and then contacting of different law offices (or govt. offices or businesses) to start job searching. I don't know what your dh does, but I'd be having him do the same. Another thing, you may want to reconsider your lifestyle. I grew up in a nice, two story house with two nice cars, country club membership, two income family, and to be honest it was miserable. My parents worked all the time, if not AT work then at home. My dh and I do not want that. We currently live in a really nice apt. complex in a 2 bedroom. We pay $895 a month for a really, really nice apt. Our complex also has a children's playground, a nice heated swimming pool, and a workout area. There are lots of green spaces for running around. We have friendly neighbors from all over the world, which is really neat since we live in the suburbs in a pretty "white only" area. We have one car, so we save lots of money that way to do other things like zoo memberships, children's museum memberships, and letting me stay at home. We don't have cable or the latest electronics, but we're happy.

The only reason I'm saying all of this is that it may be helpful to look at your standard of living and see what you can change to meet your goals. There are lots of different options but they may require drastic changes (like moving to a new state, moving into an apt. or townhouse, downgrading to one car, getting rid of expensive things). In the end, though, it may be worth it. You definitely need to get your dh on board, though, or it will never work.

Best wishes!

[Mrsboyko]

. I understand. I work an hour from home at a job that pays well, but that is a mental turn off. It is not what I thought I'd be doing and I am kinda confused how i ended up doing it. Like you, I am the breadwinner in the house, so I can't just not work. And DH doesn't drive so moving closer to work 9away from his work) isn't an option right now.

I was stuck in that same pit you are. Weekends are for doign the stuff you can't do on week days, no time for fun, stuck inside all darn day. It was awful and my mood took a major hit from when DD was born in Nov 2006 till very recently.

What i did: really evaluate how your houseohld runs. My old appt was so dificult, everything too so much effort. We didn't have a washer/ dryer, so a whole day was spent at the laundromat. We didn't have a dishwasher so there were always dishes in the sink. The layout of the place was just awful. We moved and it is like the lights turned on in my world. We are no closer t owork, but having so much effort taken out of hte everyday tasks has made a huge differance.

Also, I decided that i only have one life and i need to start doing what i like, at least some of the time. I started reading before bed, I am getting back into photography, I decided to run a 5K (I haven't run in 9 years, since HS).

Remember what used to make you happy and DO IT. Your happieness will spill over into your familys happieness. you need to make a change though. Start making a plan for what you DO want your life to be. Small steps over a period of time really add up. Again, hugs hun. You can be happy!

[DariusMom]

I'm sorry. What a frustrating place to be in.

I'm not getting why your DH can't do a lot of the errands and cleaning. If you're the breadwinner, isn't he a SAHD? (or doing something flexible/freelance which would enable him to help out more?)

Having your DH do more might not solve things long-term, but it could make the short-term easier.