Post-tantrum requests

[InMediasRes]

My DS is 28 months and has been doing a lot better with tantrums (meaning there are fewer of them and he calms faster). Sometimes I talk him through them and cuddle, sometimes just cuddle, sometimes I tell him one or two times why we can't XYZ that he's throwing the tantrum about and let him figure it out (usually doesn't take long, and I don't let him keep going if he's not calming down on his own).

I've noticed that after he's reasonably calm he starts asking for things. He almost always asks for juice or TV, two things that I say no to about 457 times a day. Do other kids do this too? Why is it always the things that he knows I don't want to give him? I hate saying no after I just said no and got a tantrum for it, but I also have to have limits for those things. Sometimes I can redirect him to milk reading books or something, but usually saying "no" reignites the tantrum.

What do others do in this situation?

Leah, SAHM to Andrew 3/31/07 and Jane 3/1/09

[GuildJenn]

Sometimes I think it's because the strong feelings remind them of everything they get frustrated about.

With my son what worked "well" (some of the time at least) was not saying no but just reflecting his feelings, and then (gauging the mood first) some wish fulfilment and fantasy:

"I want juice."
"You want juice huh?"
"I WANT juice."
"You really want juice! You'd like a whole bathtub of juice! An ocean of juice! With octopuses in it! Grape octopuses! And 20 million birthday cakes! And 50 billion tv shows!"
... "come here, I love you." *hug*

Mind you, sometimes it did not work.

[esmejoy]

Originally Posted by SactoMommy

juice or TV, two things that I say no to about 457 times a day.

Sorry, I don't have any particularly great advice for you on this. But I would say, in my experience (with a 27 month boy), is that trying to say no as little as possible is a key point in avoiding tantrums. (I know this has already been said 1000 times around here...) For me, the whining to watch TV (Signing Time in particular) was one of the things that prompted me to get rid of it, cold turkey. Well, not quite get rid of -- I still watch netflix after he goes to bed, but he gets almost zero TV with me. I think his babysitters occasionally use it (and I know, because the day after he's had a sitter, he'll look longingly at the TV and say "Signing Time?"). And while I've never had juice in the house, this summer I bought some Santa Cruz Organic mango lemonade (all of 11% juice) because it looked so good, as a "special drink." Well, "special" drink has become a pretty routine request around here I keep buying it, though, because both of us really like it. And basically I always give him a little when he asks, mixed with some selzer. He often won't even finish a small cup of it, but it definitely satisfies a need for a treat. I think it would be harder if he really OD'd on it (like I felt he would have with TV).

Wow, that turned into a long ramble. But I guess my point is -- if you find yourself saying no to something 457 times a day, maybe you want to reconsider your approach.

[flapjack]

"What do you think?" works for me.

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by esmejoy

Sorry, I don't have any particularly great advice for you on this. But I would say, in my experience (with a 27 month boy), is that trying to say no as little as possible is a key point in avoiding tantrums. (I know this has already been said 1000 times around here...) For me, the whining to watch TV (Signing Time in particular) was one of the things that prompted me to get rid of it, cold turkey. Well, not quite get rid of -- I still watch netflix after he goes to bed, but he gets almost zero TV with me. I think his babysitters occasionally use it (and I know, because the day after he's had a sitter, he'll look longingly at the TV and say "Signing Time?"). And while I've never had juice in the house, this summer I bought some Santa Cruz Organic mango lemonade (all of 11% juice) because it looked so good, as a "special drink." Well, "special" drink has become a pretty routine request around here I keep buying it, though, because both of us really like it. And basically I always give him a little when he asks, mixed with some selzer. He often won't even finish a small cup of it, but it definitely satisfies a need for a treat. I think it would be harder if he really OD'd on it (like I felt he would have with TV).

I do try to say no as little as possible, but these are the two things that I really feel need to have limits. DH isn't totally helpful with these two things in particular. I have been trying to convince him for 3 years now to get rid of the TV, and he's just now going for it. We are moving shortly and will be getting rid of the TV as soon as everyone is adjusted to the move (although I would rather just leave it behind completely). Juice I usually really dilute, but he still asks for it all the time. I'm getting ready to not have that in the house either.

I think he would still ask for something though. It would be grapes or apricots, probably if it wasn't juice and TV. I ultimately want to get the idea across that food is not for comfort but for nourishment, which I realize isn't totally practical. My family are big comfort/boredom eaters and big TV watchers, and I'd like to reverse that in my son's generation. I guess this is why I'm ultimately concerned about it.

Thanks for all the helpful tips.