How do you explain circumcision to intact boys?

[musikat]

I am not sure where to put this, so I thought I would start here. Amazingly, this has never come up before, but just today a friend of mine was changing her son and my older two (7 1/2 and 5 1/2) noticed the "difference" and asked me about it.

I really wasn't sure what to say. My oldest really likes detailed explanations and will keep asking quesitons until he is satisfied with the answer. If I explain that some people do that, he will certainly want to know why. I don't want to put any judgement on it, especially since boys that age are not known for their "tact."

So any BTDT advice? How do I simply explain why some parents circumcize and others don't??

[averlee]

I think it is really OK to just be honest with your sons. Part of parenting is imparting your values, your culture, your beliefs, your ethics, your way of life. You could say, "circumcision means, some parents, when their son is just a tiny baby, decide to ask a doctor to cut off the foreskin. they do it because maybe they think it is better or maybe they do it for other reasons. In this family we don't believe in circumcision..." etc and just keep answering the questions. You probably put a lot of thought into your decision not to circ, so you are probably more prepared than you think.

[liliaceae]

What I would say: "A long time ago, people thought it was healthier to remove a part of the penis of baby boys. Now we know that this is wrong; it is better to leave the penis as it is. However, some people don't know this and still think it is healthier to circumcise."

Judgement free: "Some people think it's healthier to circumcise, but we don't."

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by averlee

I think it is really OK to just be honest with your sons. Part of parenting is imparting your values, your culture, your beliefs, your ethics, your way of life. You could say, "circumcision means, some parents, when their son is just a tiny baby, decide to ask a doctor to cut off the foreskin. they do it because maybe they think it is better or maybe they do it for other reasons. In this family we don't believe in circumcision..." etc and just keep answering the questions. You probably put a lot of thought into your decision not to circ, so you are probably more prepared than you think.

That's almost exactly what I told my 7 year old. He's a very sensitive child and the thought that people do this was upsetting to him. He was mostly worried about us deciding to "have that done to him".

[rubidoux]

I agree, Katherine. I think I'd tell all of the above and also that even though I believe it is wrong and it obviously is wrong (lol), the parents who do it are doing it because they believe that they are doing what is best for their child.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Mal85

Okay, on the flipside... how do you explain circumcision to a circumsized boy?

I have one son who is intact and one who is not. My baby is adopted and came to me circ'd.

I think i'll just tell him that in our area of the country its still a common practice, though becoming less so. That parents believe they should do it for many reasons, usually because they "like how it looks" or "because its healthier" but mostly because its just a cultural norm, and most people tend to follow what they think is expected of them/what their family, friends, neighbors are doing. And some people might not know its an option to NOT do it.

I will tell him that i dont know for sure, but i suspect that it was one of these reasons that caused his mom to agree to have him circ'd and that likely she didnt get any info to NOT do it, they probably just brought her a form and said "do you want him circ'd" and she agreed. I will tell him that i wish that he was able to make that choice for himself and not have anyone make it for him. And that had i been the one making the choice i would have left him intact.

However, i'm sure this won't all happen in one conversation. Just like any question coming from a child, i will talk to him in a developmentally appropriate way, try to figure out the question he is really asking, and give more information the older he gets.

[Ann-Marita]

Is circing a baby girl wrong? In the US, it's illegal. In our family, boys get the same protection. Yes, to us, circing a baby IS wrong.

Adults can choose it for themselves, just like they could choose to have any other non-vital body part removed (if they can find a doctor who is willing to do it).

But to me, circ of a minor is a human rights violation. But because it has been part of our culture for generations, many in the US are not aware of this.

[LavenderMae]

My children know what circumcision (MGM and FGM) is and that it is wrong (and yes I use the word wrong).

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I am returning ths thread. I have removed numerous posts. It is against the TCAC guidelines to discuss or mention religion. Please keep this in mind when posting. Thanks.

[enstar780]

I think its important to be honest, to tell him that it is cutting off a part of the penis. I think it is important to make it clear that this is wrong, cruel, and unacceptable, and that you are opposed to it, and would never do this to a child, and that you believe it should never be done. Most children intuitively know its wrong to do something like that, support it, tell them there is no valid reason to cut off healthy parts of a childs body. I think its a chance as well, to show that many people doing something does not make it right, "Just because people do something does not make it right", for them to not give into peer pressure but think for themselves, and treat others with compassion and kindness, practicing non violence. The number of people who commit an act has no bearing on whether or not the act is wrong. In fact, the more people do something, the more likely it is that a cruel, inhumane act will not be questioned.

[bandgeek]

DS is 4 1/2 and hasn't asked or even seemed to notice any differences. I have to say, I'll probably be brutally honest when he asks. I don't want to sugar-coat it and leave him with the impression that it's an acceptable thing to do. As for WHY parents do it? I will also probably be honest about that too. They think it looks better and some think there are health benefits (even though we know that's false). But mostly I'll focus on the aesthetic reasons, because that's what it boils down to. Even if parents say it's for "health reasons" they almost always also do it to "look like dad" or the locker room thing. I've never met someone who truly believed all the health myths and didn't care about looks. If they were educated enough to know that looks don't matter, they also knew the health reasons were bunk. I want him to know that it doesn't matter WHAT people think looks better, it's not ok to do to a baby. And I'll also let him know if he prefers that look, he can make that decision when he's an adult. I assume at that point he'll be horrified and never consider it.

[Seasons]

I'd analogize to piercing. Just as I say

"Some people pierce little kids' ears because they think it looks pretty, but in our family we wait until a person is old enough - age 14 at least - to choose for herself whether to be pierced,"

I'd say

"Some people cut little boys' penises because they think it looks pretty, but in our family we wait until a person is old enough - age 14 at least - to choose for himself whether to be cut."

It's exactly the same situation IMHO. (Circumcision does more bodily damage but the motivation - looks pretty/hygienic, or everyone else in our family does it) is exactly the same.

[perspective]

I think its important to be age appropriate here. Also you have to remember your talking about his genitals, or the genitals of boys like him, so its important to be sensitive and NOT bring in any personal bias, or anti-circ passion/rhetoric into the explanation. Right now they want the basic facts, not lesson cultural practices and moral values.

To a younger intact boy, simply explain that some boys get circed, and some dont. This happens because some parents think its a good choice to make for their sons. Less people think like that now, and mommy/daddy knew that there was no reason to do it. You were born with that ear, and that finger, they are all fine as they are, why change any of it?

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by perspective

I think its important to be age appropriate here. ...its important to be sensitive and NOT bring in any personal bias, or anti-circ passion/rhetoric into the explanation. Right now they want the basic facts, not lesson cultural practices and moral values.

I disagree that teaching value judgements should wait. In our family, value discussion regarding questioning cultural practices is constant and started early. For instance, my 6yo this year lobbied [she suggested and dictated, I scribed and added postage]:

-her local grocery store manager to bring back the kid-size carts (her postcard worked w/i a week!)
-the city's park director to stop using diesel-powered leaf-blowers; he disagreed but wrote her an awesome letter back
-her congresspeople to provide free health care (she said "doctors") for "kids and poor people" - let's hope it works!

Not only do I think value judgement conversation shouldn't wait until kids are older, but also I think the pre-tweens have a fleeting ability to actually listen to their parents' views and consider them with respect instead of instantly rebelling - why not take advantage of this teaching time? Not JUST to try to inculcate certain values (for instance, anti-cicumcision, or the meta-value of questioning majority social practices), but to help them create their own values.