HB Attendants: childcare, friends, doula???

[tellmemore]

I am due in 2.5 weeks but expect to deliver earlier than August 16. Planning home waterbirth with my DH, MW and DS present. Other attendants are what are in question. 2 very close friends are prepared to be on call for my DS so that if he does become a problem it'll be taken care of and he'll have someone for comfort and all his needs so that my DH can be with me 100%. I do not plan to force DS to be in or out of the room during the actual birth. A 2 year old will likely not understand and will come and go as he pleases as long as I am OK with it in the moment.

The friends I have spoken with about this are also very comforting to me, able to assist with massage, etc. And it's nice that we are so close that if they did see me poop ... well... whatever. LOL! Not sure if I'll feel more comfortable calling on one or both. If they did both attend, I'd have 3 people besides the MW here (adults).

A friend is a doula in training and is willing to be here. She has attended the birth of someone I recomended her to and was described as "amazing" so I've been told I HAVE to take advantage. The doula has not attended a HB yet, but is planning to have her next baby at home and is definitely on the same page as I am when it comes to birth and many other parenting choices.

Trying to sum it up: I'd like this to go as well as my last birth (natural, hospital) where I'd describe it as completely enjoyable. I am so excited to give birth again, even though it might be crazier this time than last. My last was 25 hours after my water broke at home, but was in transition upon arrival and fell asleep for the last 2.5 to 3 hours of labor between EVERY contraction. Most of that was in the jet tub, but continued through 39 min. of pushing on my knees and birth ball. I just drifted off after each contraction was over, completely amazed at what was happening and enjoying every minute of rest.

So, I want silence and calm, just like the last time. I'm hoping my brain won't get in the way, and need to be sure my environment is calming. I'd better decide soon who I plan to have here, but now am wondering if the numbers are getting too large. Please let me know oppinions, experiences, etc. Thanks!

[kcparker]

I am having baby #2 at home after a fantastic hospital birth (many similarities to the one you describe). I am planning on having my MW, possibly her partner (not sure if she will come also, but they usually work as a team unless they have 2 moms laboring at the same time), my DH, my 2 1/2 year old son, a good friend who will be DS's point person. In a lot of ways, she's the most important person to have there as I don't want to have to worry about DS being scared/tired/hungry/bored. DH will call her to let her know when I am in labor, and depending on if DS is awake or asleep, she might come right away or come over when he wakes up. I am a doula, but I am on the fence about whether or not I want a doula, partly for $ reasons as the HB is totally out of pocket already, partly because in my last labor, I remember telling DH, "No touch. No talk." and mostly wanting to be undisturbed by anyone or anything.

I think attendees is partly a numbers game, partly a personality game. You could have only one very disruptive person in attendance who kills your tranquility, or 10 people who were so quiet and supportive you didn't even know they were in the room. Some people like to have a party and invite all their sisters, friends, the midwife, the doula, and the next door neighbor, plus kids and dog, others want just self, husband, MW in the next room and that's it...only you know what is going to make you feel comfortable, safe, nurtured, and happy.

[mamachelle]

I'll be having my homebirth in November, after a not-so-great hospital birth 2 years ago. I'm so excited! I'm not sure if I will have only one midwife there or if her partner will come too, plus my DH, 2 yr old DD, my mom, and hopefully my best friend will be here too. I feel the same way about letting my daughter come and go as she likes. I imagine that until the end she'll be pretty bored by the whole experience (my last labor dragged on for days), but luckily my mom is one of her favorite people so she'll have a willing playmate.
It's funny because until recently I thought I'd have to have this baby at a hospital again for financial reasons and I didn't really want anyone there. But know that it'll be at home I'm perfectly willing to have several people there, the more the merrier! My whole attitude is so different now lol. Instead of dreading the birth and feeling like I need to emotionally prepare myself, I just feel super excited to meet this baby!!:

[barcelona]

Such a great thread! I don't have advice for you, OP, but rather, am in a similar position. Actually came right to this forum about to post a similar thread (though a bit different, and will post after I reply here).

I will have MW and her assistant here, plus DH, and 3.5 year old DS. I have one friend who I will most likely call to care for DS (unless he's asleep), and then have one or two friends who I may or may not call to act as "doula-friends".

My first birth was in a hospital (mostly positive), so this is a first for me. I'm not sure what I am going to want, if I am going to want that extra female support, or if I'll feel like being more private and intimate with just DH and MW around. I am thinking I will play it by ear, and tell my friends that I will have to play it by ear, too.

I don't see why you couldn't do this, too, OP...just have those friends who you feel you might like to have there "on call" and see how it goes...

Hope you have a wonderful homebirth experience!!! :

[tellmemore]

SOOOOO long, sorry. New developments, disturbed...

Thanks everyone! So happy to get replies on this! I have decided to go for the doula. Free to me, and I did have a doula (two actually) last time and it was the best $600 I have ever spent. This time I do not have the luxury of just putting it on the credit card, although I would reccomend my last doula who is now my hero to anyone. Portland area, anyone? She is the best! But the other friend on her way to full certification is great.

I am uncomfortable just relying on my MW for comfort, and someone to help my DH "get it" last time was great. My MW is more business, and some things have come up that make me slightly uneasy. So I should probably bounce some of that off y'all, too. New developments I did not expect at ALL! I trust her to catch the baby and do great with all that. She has been in the business close to 30 yrs and knows what she is doing. The problem is, she thinks she knows it all (I'm sure she practically does) but is quick to share that. Cocky about things really. Totally poo poohs things that are important and valid. But acts like she doesn't. Well, she does. Like I am just the client and my feelings are not important. Just a fact, I feel that way around her, and I should have paid attention to it sooner. I'm gonna try to sum it up, long story:

1. Yesterday I see on my facebook home that she is flying to NY that day, back on mon. I am 38 wks on Sunday. I post a lighthearted "what if" post, but she is offline. Keeping in mind this is a social networking site I begin to think and realize that she has no intention of calling her client. And I know of no backup details. Feeling like this baby could fall out any day. Finally free of all physical and social obligation (like my baby shower last night) I am hoping that my mind will just finally let go and my body can follow. Have lots of sex, get a massage, up my EPO, etc. Just encourage her and be ready.

2. Decide to call her. When I do she says exactly what I expected. Every question I asked I could feel the eye roll, and she responded to half of them with, "It's not gonna happen, Bethann." I'm not a child. I know it's out of anyone's control. Just inform you FULL TERM client, geez!! So then I feel like, and she responds like I am drilling her. Well, yeah. BC she didn't tell me a thing and I am stuck feeling like I am going to vomit since not only did she make me feel small and unworthy, but then rideculed me while I was down. So, I did ask questions I needed to know, and she coughed up single word answers mainly, with her oppinion (not gonna happen, yeah, you said that, I heard the first time) mixed in. So I found out I would have (had I not called to find out early) what would have happened IF. KWIM?

Scenario: I go into labor. Call, MW in NY but has left message saying where she is, etc. along with the backup MW info. Find out that the backup MW is not 1.5 hours from me (like my MW is) but 2.5 hours away! Gotta drive to meet in the middle at MW's house and deliver there. Hope I don't deliver on the freeway. Find childcare for son and have to pack for him and me and hubby before we can leave. Go out of my comfort zone, have baby, return immediately after and have to stick her in the carseat and miss my son and miss the experience I have fought for, deserve, planned, etc. You see where I am going with this.

So, it didn't happen that way. I saw a general post on A SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE and that's how I get informed. Okay. So I talk to her and dig up the answers to these things. First name, last name, location, so then you're saying i would not get my HB, WT*! Don't wanna swear, but my gut is in my throat at this point. Not only because of the principle of the matter, but that she is rideculing me for asking things she should have just told me about. The attitude is not comforting at all. I just told her that I understood that her oppinion was that it would not happen, but that only God knows really, and I needed to know. That she of all ppl knows how throuout this entire PG my life has been so up in the air, so many aspects unknown. Moved, house sold, lived with parents and in-laws with my 2 yr old and dogs, didn't know if we'd have a house or not before baby, going out of my mind and just rolling with it the best I could. Then it all fell together and I knew I could just start to relax. I have a home (rental, but it's mine!) and am ready for my HOMEbirth.

I got the info I wanted from my MW. Like pulling teeth. Googled the name. Called the backup and she is lovely and wonderful and supportive. She could tell I was totally feeling the injustice and asked a lot of questions. Told me she was happy to care for me and would be there if I wanted to call anytime every day. I told her it wasn't neccesary, but that I just wanted to make contact since I deserve to be informed and will just get informed myself if needed. She understood and did not give oppinions. Well, except that she thinks it's best if we meet in the middle at my MW's house should I go into labor. So that I'm not at risk of being unattended.

Here's my plan as of right now. NOT to change providers. Don't have the $$, and my MW is the only one who takes state coverage at all nearby. Can't cross state border I don't think since my med. coupon is not open. But, if I do go into labor I'll call backup and let her know that I'd rather choose a possible UC than be stuck on that freeway, and ask if she would please just get in the car, then keep driving. She is the backup for my MW and my birth is a homebirth. I'll be here. Why would that change? Especially if I didn't know until I was IN labor.

So, summing it up: the principal of it sucks. The attitude on top of it really sucks. But one way or another my baby and I will have our needs taken care of whether it's before or after this weekend. Lesson learned.

Any stories, advice, etc on the matter? Seriously not comfortable, but moving on.

[Hezzie]

Oh man, tellmemore, that BLOWS! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that baby will stay in over the weekend. At just 38 weeks, you've got a pretty good chance that baby won't come. Sending "Stay In Baby" vibes your way!

When I was choosing midwives, I scheduled an interview with one who has lots and lots of experience (longer than I've been alive). All that experience was an attraction to me, but when I talked to her on the phone I sort of got a funny vibe. She sounds a lot like yours, but possibly worse...doesn't really listen, sort of condescending, short answers, impatient, does things you specifically asked her not to do, etc. I did some digging and talking to other HB moms only to find out that some of them had used her for previous births and were unhappy with their experiences. "Great midwifery skills, awful beside manner and attitude" is all I heard. Normally I don't listen to other peoples' opinions and prefer to form my own, but I couldn't shake that funny feeling I had. When I called back to cancel the interview, she demanded to know why! I fibbed a bit and told her that we had made a decision on a midwife and she wanted to know who we'd chosen. I said, "I don't really think that's any of your business. Have a nice day," and hung up. I am SO GLAD we didn't go with her! We wound up choosing a midwife that has a third of the experience, but is so much more compatible with our personalities. We all learn from life...hopefully it will be much better for you in the future! I'm also keeping my fingers crossed you have a faboo birth, whoever winds up attending. :

I haven't even met our backup MW and that makes me nervous because I'm so very private about my body and who sees me nekkie (yeah, yeah...I've been told I won't care in labor but I think I just might ) Our MW lives 30 minutes away but there's frequently bad traffic, and the backup lives closer. I am ok w/ BMW being here and helping to set things up, but don't want her trying to examine me. Not. Gonna. Happen. She is here strictly in case of an emergency. My birth team is DH and my bestest best friend of 12 years who I'm cool with seeing me naked and vulnerable, also to give DH a break. My MW is totally awesome about me booting everyone out so it's just DH and me if I want. MIL also wants to come, but I don't know about that. She tends to fret and I worry she'll have her eye on the clock the whole time and make me nervous. *cough* May not ask DH to call her until I'm in transition as it's a 30 minute drive w/out traffic from her place. At that point, I don't think I'll care if she's there or not!

[tellmemore]

Good for you for running the other way. And hanging up even! NONE of her business. Yeah, condescending is another good description.

I would not make promises to anyone about being there. Anyone there besides your MW needs to be willing to leave at any time if asked by you. Do you wanna poop in front of her? Could happen! My mother and MIL are not welcome, and they know and understand and didn't ask. To my MIL I'm kinda a freak for "doing this" but whatever. We agree to disagree and are OK with it.

[mamachelle]

wow tellmemore your midwife sounds very frustrating. I hope your baby stays in for the weekend! The backup midwife sounds nice at least....I hope everything works out for you and that you have an amazing homebirth (at HOME)!